12:21pm
Library
I was waiting outside since...9am? A little after 8? I thought the library opened at 10.
It's Tuesday - that means open at noon and close at 8pm.
I could potentially just be here the rest of the day without leaving unless I want food.
Oh good, it stopped. There was some undulating bass noise ... no idea where it was
coming from...outside? Inside the wall behind me?
Last night I woke up around 1am to a sound in the walls
that stopped when the shift changed around 2am.
Like someone beating a drum slow and steady or bouncing a basketball maybe.
It stopped and I went back to bed.
....I am really trying to write exactly what I mean to say, but consider everything a rough
draft unless I say "this is exactly what I want to say, how I want to say it"....
Should we go back to Hasan? I could say "important stuff happening" but ... oh my god ... when isn't it?
I am still thawing out a little bit. I was colder than usual this morning.
Don't you just love warmth?
Before we dive into our ever present doom - thoughts and feelings?
I still just deeply want to have already had a solid partner to share my life with
and I continue to feel pain I don't think I would have been feeling if:
a) I had been taken care of differently since childhood
b) I hadn't been under duress in my own home for five years
c) the social order had a better grasp on pain management and stigma and worked out all the details about people using cannabis as medicine
Suddenly disassociatingly tired.
Yeah, maybe I am just barely hanging on but I will remain intellectually dignified. Cool.
Let's turn on Hasan.
12:44pm having sound trouble
1pm
I look at Marche and I see someone I so easily could have been myself... I pretty much was a version of him in high school for Yearbook
These people are making so many moves and are part of such important shit and I ... am just alone.
No idea where I belong in the equation of human rights and I don't want to be a sacrifice or used for something I never realized or a long term plan that ends up in a nightmare I didn't realize or anything else I didn't want but didn't realize....
Why am I not someone's photographer oh my god what a waste.
They made you want to start all over, didn't they? Starting to make you fantasize about a time when this will be a nightmare I had and in my new life things are better.
See a scenario where you've been exiled to the woods and you start your own revolution and then Hasan shows up and the world actually changes ...
Girl, you are never going to acknowledge that you worried ... I WORRY ABOUT A LOT OF THINGS ... no I do not want to give up on the understanding that Hasan is a hero person.
As opposed to what?
I love him. I don't want to put it into writing.
But don't you think it's important to recognize the possibility of someone like him - who would sound like him or get the attention of his followers - who doesn't actually care? What if someone was just a rich, well spoken, joker who thought he was making fun of politics and ended up being the only leader anyone respects - what like Jon Stewart? I mean, Jon Stewart genuinely cares too doesn't he?
"You don't trust human do you?" - trust humans to do what?
"If COVID was a curriculum don't you think part of it wanted whoever was going to link up to link up and wanted whoever wasn't to become isolated?"
Am I trying too hard to figure things out and creating unknowable narratives isn't actually helping?
Watching him reminds me what I was doing anything for - what I was trying to do period...
"our downfall is imminent" he said
again, I love him, but what are the chances this pocket of the universe is meant to do something to people who cared and would watch him every day?
what am I supposed to do?
figure out if you think he's fucking with you or helping the world and then respond appropriately
I want "helping the world" to be the answer.
Why the fuck did I ever think people were watching me or paying attention - unethically or whatever - to anything I was doing?
Should I be trying to get more political at the shelter?
I am so tired when I get there I just want to sleep. It is a sleeping place.
Maybe at the day shelter. I could also create some kind of program and actually teach it at the library if I wanted to get real competent real quick and turn into my best emo. mz. frizzle.
I have had a soft spot for carhartt.
I have a soft spot for competence.
Doesn't have to be all the time or I wouldn't even like myself - but competence - that thing that makes me think you got this and I don't have to do anything but listen or wait or watch you work and you're right and shit will be fine - I could learn from you - that's a relief.
foooooood pizza
For sure, getting to see behind the scenes of these speaking events has been so cool of him to share with people. Who knows what younger person might go out for politics or even a play and be so much more ready because they've watched how these things go.
GENOCIDE IS NEVER IN MY NAME
YOU KILLED THE PEOPLE, YOU TAKE THE BLAME
Goddamnit all of this is to keep people busy while the ones who make the real money keep on with their businesses
...and some people would have loved he said 'fuck' on Easter... if he was someone else, even I would have thought that was rad - so who wrote this fucking passion play?
Do you care more that your kids don't say fuck or that they don't go off and commit genocide?!
Exactly - again - how many people are dead since COVID, since 2020, and now they need to have these "wars" to account for the population differences
... just a loop of "why is this happening" and the people who could have answered are gone
.... what do people want?
.... what do these specific people want?
.... why couldn't you find the people who would have wanted you?
.... you needed to be a teacher or something Laura. You're not really considered a professional adult.
my response: 🖕🖕
2:03pm
Oh man. I miss college.
He always wings it. Or says he is.
- fuck genocide booooo
come on, does this feel like we are on the brink of a war like nothing we have ever known or ....
some shit happened five years ago and this has been damage control....
2:09pm "I am no longer alone. Neither are you."
2:14pm "WHAT IS THE FUTURE OF THE WORLD"
Third time's the charm? Talking about impeaching t*ump again
HOUSING
HEALTHCARE
EDUCATION
FOOD
SLEEP
.... feeling again of "how bad do you wish you could go back to 2020 and just have a re-do"?
AND DO WHAT
WHAT DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND WAS GOING ON?
THE THREAT LEVEL WAS TOO HIGH AND HAD THREE PARTS:
- COVID
- Military takeover during the protests
- Neighbor harassment
Where are the protesters now?
How much was an excuse to control the population?
How much of this will always be about bringing people together so you can easily dispose of the people you don't like - never letting the truth win, only act as a magnet
The idea I shouldn't even mention it - just hope everyone is legit and nothing fucked is happening - but come the fuck on - how much do you need to be told to know for sure something fucked is ALWAYS going on - even with good intentions.
RIGHT?!
"doesn't matter who you are, where you come from, you deserve to live a long and healthy life ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD"
The image of candyland capitalism comes to mind again where they wanted the loop to go this way - wanted people kept in poverty and forced to fight for a chance to establish yourself into the system and turned against the dissidents that knew it was all bullshit
2:33pm
A guy was sitting in the chair next to me and lost his spot - left and came back - and I don't know him at all and this is so overblown but it's making me tearful
I am overwhelmed
It feels good to hear this rhetoric again, to feel like I am somehow still actively connected to this world because I paid attention ... but I don't know people, I am not like Summer Lee or even Hasan Piker ... I'm practically an oracle living in a cave - even unhoused - compared to being "actively connected" to a community this way
And wouldn't they love to get people to romanticize being some lonely figure when they isolate us and make us do shit
Yeah but hasn't there also been a fucked pressure to be social and in community and useful to others and all that?
How could it be both?
Good question: WHY ARE WE THERE 2:37pm
And Abdul's response is "Netanyahu has wanted to have a war for 40 years and he found a dumb ass horrible enough to do it"
Remembering The American Israel Public Affairs Committee (AIPAC) as an example of what a PAC even is
And then "WE LOVE OUR JEWISH NEIGHBORS"
Which weirdly still feels alienating because I'm an atheist religiously speaking.
I'm half jewish genetically speaking - and half a bunch of other stuff.
Two tests came back about me being jewish too, by the way, it's as official as I could be.
Wonder if the whole structure of categories would be different years from now.
Man what do the people do who we never talk about?
Actual morality:
"Righteous opposition to the destruction of people"
Believe in people
Stand up for the values of people
Not which people
People as a species
Basically, thou shall not kill, dumbass
Just as he was ending his speech a mom and her two kids come into the library and the kid goes "hey mommy" in a textbook little kid voice and I remember I never really had a mom and there is no memory of "hey mommy" or "explain this to me" or anything even close. Gram was my legal guardian. I suddenly feel a lot less like "people" - like a person who understands what anyone else wants besides to enjoy their own one life. I don't have the same memories, I didn't have the same situations, but here's what we have in common as human beings - anatomy, basic psychology, needs, wants, how we can be fucked with, what we could be doing with our time and energy - isn't that enough just to understand people on a regular day to day basis? And to want the best for everyone?
I don't hate anyone as an individual. I am wary. There are some people I hope I never cross paths with on earth again, unless they were there to say sorry. But I don't seek them out or look for revenge or want to do something to them - I just let everything go and try to navigate the memories. Some might think that means you don't really love anyone either because you'd hate anyone who hurts anyone you love, but that can be used to turn people into security dogs and that's not love either...
Imagine just being some girl person with cool hair who shows up and does photography of progressive political candidates...
What have you been working for? What have you been fighting for? What has everything been about?
You have your own sandcastle and you're trying to make it worth building.
Friends might have gone spinning off into the multiverse and I hope they're doing what they think is important too...
honest, direct, specific
....what do I think about, and who is talking about it?
Everyone hates everything and just wants to feel cool and better
A little kid voice over an image of the planet and every city and town: Hey guys, did you happen to kill everyone during COVID and now you're just trying to waste time until we get past this point in history or you're trying to make the numbers look right so the future won't figure it out?
Laura, how did you forget these people wanted to induce the second coming? Remember? That's why they were obsessed with the apocalypse... They wanted to be "The Last Generation".
Well now what? Are we all just waiting to die?
Are we the only people who are left?
Is there enough to continue the planet or is the horrible hollow feeling part of knowing so many more are gone than I could ever calculate? Are there some grandparents rubbing their hands together and saying "Oh good, they'll be more worried about each other forever now and we have given people the gift of giving a shit and having community"...
You could see where that might have been the point of COVID. One of the points. I don't travel. How or why would I? Am I kind of trapped now? I wanted to see the world, but I didn't want to spend my whole life in another world - I wanted to have friends and be cool which meant being a kind of hero I guess - our idea of cool got intersectional and way more kind than some bogus idea that the "cool" kid was a jerk. Instead of "popular" they should just be called "known" kids. The popular kids and the cool kids were not always the same kids - our school had some groups of friends that tended to hang out but we didn't really do the breakfast club thing - the idea was to be everything at the same time - "a brain, an athlete, a basket case, a princess, and a criminal".
I'm getting hungry. It looks like they have some kind of program scheduled in the big room.
It's 3pm and I am super cold. Oh my god and my phone has been charging since I got inside at noon and only has 16% battery right now....
3:14pm Heeeeey why didn't you tell me I looked .... strained
Whether I would ever know shit about DC brain or NYC brain or Michigan brain or even Portland brain .... when you put it that way sounds bonkers but what do I know? Hunter S. Thompson should have been president and he died instead. I'm kind of kidding, but you know the absurdists had a point.
....oh.
What did they say? RuPaul's what?
And they are leaving. It is over. They had an important day. I watched.
Yeah there's a massive disconnect between my notes and following along with Hasan's stream. Guess you're just gonna have to keep me around lol ....... long stare .......
Henrietta Lacks
It's not that a corporation raised me...but....what, am I supposed to just explain the school owns the company instead? I never met anyone who ran the company I'm pretty sure. Then there's the trust company in the middle of it.
Moral Injury: I am anti war and against predatory capitalism and sometimes it looks like my life was raised by the military take over of this school I went to.... how do you not take it personally unless you're braindead? Or just never knew what to know to know what was up...fair.
..... misunderstanding machine .....
please don't make me cry in public
3:43pm
take time
take your kids to the science center
play educational games with them in the middle of the room for a couple hours
take time
Kinda feels like voting was bogus right now but it's supposed to be real some day
3:47pm - "we are going through authoritarianism" ...could someone stop the evictions into homelessness please holy fuck....especially for the elderly - LET PEOPLE DIE IN THEIR HOMES
Fucking pull someone out of their home and make them die in a homeless shelter
or at the hospital
you're fucking evil
I've seen the ambulance come to the shelter five times since I started sleeping there in February
When the fuck ever do people sleep in the same great big room?
The military, shelters, maybe a refugee camp ... but even the hospital and college dorms limit number of roommates
Someone screaming FASCISM!
But they can't reach me
I just hear them
for years
and eventually I lost my home
and wasn't there anymore
to hear what was going on
one way or another
most people are good people who want to be good people
cool, good people
What makes someone good gets confusing sometimes but yeah
robbed of potential
"No more or less human because they were born in a different geopolitical boundary"
Thank you.
If there is anyone from Iran in America what the fuck do they think about this?
Same question as when the Venezuela shit went down.
And - again - see how we switch around and continue forward no matter who dies?
4:04pm
I totally get anyone who thinks this whole life is a nightmare
Inevitable self-feedback here:
Have I been courageous?
Not to them - not to the people who get someone like Summer Lee into office - if I was "courageous" to their standards I think I would have simply gotten vaccinated and found a new job mid-pandemic-war-zone-thing and never stopped going outside and I guess they can't give a shit - or? - that I was tortured inside for five years. Maybe it was retaliation because they lost an investment in me or something and now I've been thrown away. Or it's just another phase of their fucking plan. If I knew their fucking plan I could navigate better.
So, I think I am courageous but I feel like some unknown people with a lot of power might just want to humiliate me
Did they ever care when you were in pain?
You wish transphobes wouldn't be transphobic once they had their needs met - but I'm idealistic.
You could not want chocolate cake and not spend a moment of your time bitching about people who do, you know.
I had one big political discussion with a couple people my first day at the library and that's it so far.
I think: why don't you seek people out and deliberately start discussions?
I'm tired all the time.
Wake up - tired.
Leave the shelter - tired.
Wait in line for a shower and laundry - tired.
Be in the shelter, waiting, maybe eating - tired.
Leave when they close and find a place to be - tired.
Just exist - tired.
Go to the library - do a stream - catch up on news - charge devices - tired.
Go to the grocery story - go to the bathroom - microwave, hot water - tired.
Go to the storage unit - tired.
Wait until I'm allowed to go back into the shelter at night - tired.
Sleep - wake up - sleep - wake up - sleep - wake up - imagine someone is holding me - tired.
BITCH I DID BOTH.
I DID THE LONG SPEECH FOR 10 HOURS AT A TIME.
GODDAMNIT THIS WHOLE FUCKING JOKE SOMEONE STUCK ME IN IS SO STUPID.
"Whole room lit up" - remember I had some art concept of a house and every room was supposed to be what goes on in someone's head. One person has static TV, one is an art room, one is just a chair and a recording, one blinks and it's a different room and then blinks again....contrasts of chaos and music and screaming and silence and textures and elements. "Every head's a different world" is a bright eyes lyric.
you're so bold, you're so beautiful, you're so brave
you did it
Some asshole sees ALL of us as just kids learning how government works, even them
She's 38, I'm 36
Abdul is 41, Hasan is 34
Gatorade reminds me of swim team
Wait - what does oonga boonga have to do with racism - wait what?!
****
The image of me going outside and just screaming through the streets "TELL ME THE TRUTH" over and over again
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4:51pm 25% battery
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"I could talk endlessly"
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I would absolutely love the veggie tray
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stahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhp
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YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO "TRAIN" UNTIL YOU THROW UP
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LOVE MARCHE
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Feeling tearful....again.... 5:19pm
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AHHHHH GRAMMAR! RUN AWAY!
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"asking you to believe in you" - summer lee
****
it does sound like church - but about universal human rights and political strategy
****
so this is my church - as a humanist - that's fine
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5:48pm she wants you to tell people about this
****
"our time to shape the next world"
and the people she is talking to are average 18-22 in age, yeah?
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Oooo doctors science knowing things oooO
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YOU MAY CHANGE THE FACE BUT WILL YOU CHANGE THE BRAIN?!
****
...there is a worry that this is all working in coordination to create the "power class" and it's another morbid form of population control - sheeps (I know it's not a typo, I don't care, I like "sheeps"), shepherds, sheep dogs, and people labelled wolves
...you totally get the idea if you had just been permissive and not given a fuck about anything, someone would have loved that - but you were all complicated and had shit to say (of course) lolz
....of course I want another doctor to show up and have input in this universe ... what if COVID happens again? What if they do it while I'm homeless? While anyone is homeless? What happened last time when I wasn't outside? ....
Absolutely would need multiple screens to show all the different possible scenarios.
****
All these little tells sometimes, maybe if you're reading too much into it...
but when they talk about healthcare for all - what happened to the people who were vaccine hesitant?
Talk about families - what about anyone who didn't get to have a family - and seems they are valued less?
There's that word - LOVE - again.
I JUST WANT TO BE TOLD THE TRUTH
WAS THIS JUST A PROGRAM TO MAKE PEOPLE COME TOGETHER
ARE YOU SERIOUSLY LETTING SOME PEOPLE DIE
IS EVERYONE BEYOND AWARE
EXCEPT THE OUTSIDERS WHO ARE DYING OR BEING MADE FUN OF TO KEEP EVERYONE ELSE IN LINE (I WOULD GUESS)
WHAT THE FUCK HAS BEEN GOING ON
I didn't really hear that - a joke about his beard
....random thought but I am going to miss Jon Stewart when he's gone. There's a whole list of people who - when they're gone - the world in general might feel - stupid. It already does.
Who did that? Who used kids as bait?
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
YOU MUST REFUSE ILLEGAL ORDERS
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the quiet now it's over is getting to me a bit
just feel so - exploded
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Imagine someone telling me "we just wanted to get you and your family together for a full on jerry springer shot and then we could throw you away forever because one thing EVERYONE in power has in common is they have SOME KIND of family while you have a disaster no one wants replicated ever!"
****
what did I eat today?
- plain donut (I like the plain ones)
- pb&j
- oatmeal bar
- matcha popcorn
*good life is just farther away*
please don't make me cry
6:30pm
TWO KIDS AND A MORTGAGE
okay adult man
I was just tortured alone for five years and then I lost most of my stuff and my home and I have no one who is stable, in my personal zone of respect, understanding, trust, closeness and is anywhere near me or is possible to talk to.
Fucking monsters who did this to me - just taking everything I said and amplifying it. I already said this - already said "oh no what will it be like when no one is around who even knows you enough to remember anything about you" oh no.... and fuckers just wanted to crush you together with someone else to see what they could get out of it - was that it?
The guy next to me has gone in and out on a smoke break a couple times. It's making me want to buy cigarettes.
....I would really need to just smoke like no more than 3 a day.
If I bought a pack and had one tonight - 19 left. Might last to Tuesday if I could actually stick with it.
Or just don't buy them at all. Buy medicine instead. You need medicine more.
***
How about re-doing the umbrella so it says something about disobeying unethical orders?
***
It's almost 7pm. Hasan usually gets offline around 7ish.
The bathrooms will close and internet will shut off at 7:45 today.
I don't have to be back technically until 9pm.
Wish I could carry you around and just stream all day outside.
At least then I can keep spiritually feeling connected and like I am making good important necessary trouble.
***
There's this whole scene in my mind:
someone asks what my mother was like, looking at this lady
and I'm like, what mom?
and they say "who raised you?"
there's a montage of news clippings and ads
OKAY - THAT STORY WAS SO.... SYNCED
and then someone screaming as if coming up from hell itself
wild bat scream
and you just listen to it and see the footage and go "yeah, sounds about right"
WHAT DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO DO?
No matter where the fuck they are and what state they've been held in - possibly for years - are you trying to get everyone to - I dunno - go to DC and specifically scream NO WAR? Would that help? Like they give a fuck what the people think or as if impeaching trump twice already went anywhere.
But sure, yeah, get everyone to say they don't want war and they are vulnerable people possibly being socially murdered by their own people in the first place
Better than nothing
It's nauseating - you get that sense someone just want you to DO ANYTHING so they can ruin it and manipulate it and find a way to get "rid" of you already - I really needed to feel more unconditional love my whole life if you don't want me to be constantly worried about being a burden or thrown out or whatever - and "god's love" DOES NOT COUNT
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My account is $0 and my life feels like it's - somehow - getting a little worse and I can't handle it. Numb out mode.
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Oh my god why am I sad the guy who was sitting next to me left?
I don't know him at all. Have never talked. Might not even be able to talk to him - I don''t know.
I just - I think he's unhoused too and he falls asleep a lot. I just felt a little less alone.
Oh my god my emotions are stupid.
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who...works...at the corporations? if they make armies of all their employees at every corporation you'd see why you end up dead even when you're right over and over and over and over again
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Oh my god I need someone to care about me who knows how shit works so bad
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the stuff I wanted to buy years ago when I had money from my dad dying....
....who expected me to ever go outside again? why?
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oh and on the charger all fucking day but it's 7:19pm and I have 18% battery (it went down because I played chess) THAT IS BAD YO.
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I dunno, the modeling thing feels kind of out of place but sure.
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So I gotta think about packing up and leaving soon. True - top down lighting sucks.
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7:21pm
stupid sexy hasan lol right
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Come on Laura, just pack up and go to the bathroom before they close.
I must have written "oh my god" 10 times tonight for some reason.
Again, this is meaningless drivel if you weren't watching the stream, which won't be available to re-watch after like a week. He might post the day on YouTube: https://www.twitch.tv/hasanabi
My body wants to cry, needs a deep romantic hug that just lets me plunge into the void of their being, and probably food and medicine. I peed less than usual today. Also drank significantly less coffee.
****
7:27pm
Love you for bringing people on the journey so they have a chance to see everything and what shit is like...
GET MONEY OUT OF POLITICS remember?
Fuck. Nothing makes sense.
*****
I guess that's it for me too. If I was home I'd watch democracy now and PBS NewsHour probably. I miss my apartment. I miss my cat. I miss what I was doing with my life. Yeah, I needed physical therapy. And probably a lot of things I never got - but am not allowed to bitch about - because of what I DID get in this life, even if it came at my own expense.
Fuck.
*****
