6:33am
Feb 2, 2026
I am trying to charge my phone with my computer.
My feet hurt very badly.
You can feel the new callouses rip again with every step.
I am so close to my old apartment it’s ridiculous
I want it back
And I want my stuff back
And there is nowhere to put it in the shelter I am staying
One lady had a hand cart and could squeeze it in
But I’m not sure
If it’s gonna be a problem
You get in at 8pm
And can sleep right away
But people start waking up at like 2am
So you’ve been up about four hours by the time you leave at
6am
This feels so set up
Like someone wanted my sister to show up here and force me
to go with her
It makes no sense
Even if they drove out here today, they might not make it in
time unless they’re speeding
I did not want to leave in the first place
I was absolutely tortured for five years and then forced out
of my home
I could wait until maybe 8am
And see if they accept the motion I filed
But I have pretty much no hope
The week at the hotel feels insane compared to now
People sent me a little more money but not enough to just
get a room there for the week
They have a fourth day free thing
I could try to get my stuff and stay a night at a hotel but
after that no idea
I don’t like how other people have described my situation
I feel used like a puppet
I am trying to figure out today
My feet hurt so bad, I think I need to buy a transit pass
Go to where I can charge my phone
But I need to email them today about when I am getting my
stuff I think
Sleep another night at the shelter
Want to write an essay about how impossible this is
How would you expect anyone to do…what exactly?
Be isolated and have muscles deteriorate for five years
Then be thrown outside
Lose everything
And have no where to keep your stuff
No where to go
Feel locked into some shit you never signed up for
Never agreed to
Eaten alive
Unsure who is friend or is going to fuck with you
Constant sense of negative shit coming at you from somewhere
all day long
Like people being threatening around you – they might be
talking about something else
But in just the past couple days it has been one verbal
threat after another
Talking about hitting people with hammers
Talking about cartels coming after them
Saying fuck you bitch and so on – at some point – all day
Not even at you
Just around you
I did listen to Hasan Piker every day
It’s not like he doesn’t curse or say shit
But it didn’t feel like this
I curse
It’s not about cursing
It’s like just …. Violence that’s too close
The battery is gonna die on here real quick
I need to hurry up if I am gonna look anything up
Oh my fucking god thephoen isn’t charging at all.
This is dumb
Shit is not clicking
Everything is bullshit.
I should see if closing the computer makes it charge faster
10:27am
My feet are killing me
I can barely walk
I left the shelter at 6am
There is no where for me to go
I find a place to sit down
My phone is always dead at that hour
I figured out my Hop Pass doesn’t work
It expired in 2021
·
Someone just sneezed. God I feel so much better
with a face mask on
·
I sleep with one on at the shelter
Anyway
I get to the trimet office
Pain, slow walking
They are all over washing off the sidewalks
Everything is bird shit and rain
I eat a couple sandwiches I made yesterday
Waiting for it to open
Fuck I need a shower
They open – a guy is nice and lets me go ahead – recognizes
I was there forever
In line he likes my boots – says females and trans people
like to wear them
I just say, yeah people and go ahead in line
Realize later I guess they were asking if I was trans
Shrug
The lady in the window kinda makes it hard for me to give
her what she needs
Maybe I just felt pressured with a line behind me
I told her my phone was dying and she needed me to make it
brighter and zoom in and she seemed really severe about it
But she printed me up a new card
My feet were killing me
And then she says the card doesn’t work
I notice it says number 161 on it
She prints me a new card with 0s and a 9
I deliberately made a comment about liking the other number
more
What the fuck joke is this and why do they have time for it?
I go outside
Immediately an aarow garbage truck doesn’t just pull up but
comes up on the side walk
Guy gets out and says something I don’t remember now
I just remember Aarow was the company that used to pick up
trash on my side of the street
I don’t know if they do anymore
Everything feels like some idea people had a plan for you
and they don’t need you anymore
No fucking idea what’s going on
I pay for a hop pass to test it out
Honored citizen so it’s discounted fair, that helps
But I wasted $1 whatever on a pass that will expire at 11
something
I just wanted a day pass – I guess it doesn’t work like that
anymore
Can’t just get one and use it whenever
Feels like a time warp
Haven’t really been here for five years in a way
Don’t remember exactly how to get places
Which way to look to cross which streets
Fucking sad
And everything hurts
I should just tell them I will get my stuff tomorrow
That means another night at the shelter after the library
And my feet fucking hurt
And there’s no time to heal or get help
Why would someone want you to just lose everything
So tired
Everything seems kinda closed or dead – there is one
building boarded up downtown and covered in graffiti like they left a monument
to cool shit that might not be here anymore
Oh right, the trimet
lady
Said I could take a new picture or just keep the old one
I looked better in the old one. Same glasses, just before
they broke.
She said she thought I looked great but okay.
I don’t know how she meant it.
Great is such a loaded word
Fuck oh no I think I need to pee again
I am sweaty, rained on, unshowered
Everywhere people openly cough out loud
I am done thinking it’s normal
It’s a signal
They just don’t care
Like the think they’re marking territory
But that’s just not how sickness works
Maybe it seemed like a joke for a while
But there will be a day that doesn’t make sense
Maybe what covid uncovered
Is a lot of people really wouldn’t care if the world ends
They want it to
I don’t know
Maybe they just think they do but wouldn’t actually
I am going to have to load up all my shit again just to go
pee
What time…
6am they let you out
7
8
9
Might as well just do it as early as I can I guess
They never accepted my motions to the court
I couldn’t submit to appeals court without some kind of
waiver
I didn’t figure it out and how could I have
Still can’t believe this is happening
And how adamant my sister is about coming here and getting
my stuff
As if she is rubbing her hands together and can’t wait to
pawn my things
Your own community
I don’t have a community
I have been medically isolated for five years
I don’t have a family
Being a milt means people are scattered across the planet
I don’t have a circle from Ithaca
What was here?
An artist community that disbanded
A sense of intersectional solidarity with a bunch of people
I never got to meet who seem to have left
Someone told a big story and I don’t even know what it was
Absolutely fucked – the stupid usb cord isn’t working
I would just get a hotel room and shower and stuff but I
don’t have the money to figure that out fast enough
I seriously feel like people didn’t listen to me for years
and kinda want me to suffer and I am scared
Was this life a waste of time?
It is painful to say the least
I can’t think to figure anything out
It makes me go back to my sister and ask for help even
though I know it’s a bad idea
I just can’t think of what else to do
I don’t want to lose or give up my stuff
But I see how I could get a cart full of things
And then be terrified every moment of losing it
I guess I was always feeling scared of losing my apartment
This has just been so cruel to feel so many people were in
on it
I need to pee
I need to email management
I am trying to figure out if earlier is better
I guess
When does my energy pick up?
It’s 11am and I am already exhausted
I needed friends
In the middle of the night last night
Like 2am
A girl got up and started making weird motions over people’s
beds
Like violent gestures
It just sucked
Feels like everybody already has some concept of you before
they ever met you
Everyone keeps liking my boots
I like them too
I just wasn’t ready for them to be the only shoes I had
after not walking for five years and then thrown outside
I should email them right now
I’m just in so much pain
And have no idea about tomorrow
All this stuff goes on and on about cognitive issues but
have like no understanding you need help to file paperwork and stuff – even
just regular stress on a not disabled person would mean you needed help
It feels like if I wanted a chance to get my stuff I was
being forced to let my sister come out here and pretend to be a hero
Was my life an undo burden because it feels like I am gonna
die now because they took my home from me without helping me stay – get rent
assistance – etc
Maybe they just wanted you to be someone else’s problem
I am on a severe time crunch, in pain, and running out of
options. I need an advocate to help me get more time to get my stuff from my
unit, if not help me get my unit back entirely. I lived in a low income
apartment building since 2015 that was designed to help keep people housed.
After a new property management company took over in 2024, they started to try
to evict me. I have been medically isolated since COVID and surviving on
assistance programs, besides the year after my dad died where I lived off a small
unexpected inheritance which is gone now and mostly spent on non-tangible
items, like rent. I feel they stopped helping me even though it was the duties
of the building, had denied my disability issues, denied harassment issues from
neighbors (which was documented at least a couple times) and did not give me a
timeline of eviction after the judge lifted order to stay on Jan 6. I have
evidence I didn't have anything on my door up through Jan 17th and they were
supposed to email me communications anyway. This has been cruel and I was
forcibly removed when I had not walked in 5 years. I am in pain and need help
and have no funds. I filed motions with the court that seem to have been
ignored. I am supposed to make an appointment to get my stuff and they are only
giving me one chance for two hours with a security guard - which I think is
wrong too. I lived there a decade. I need help. Please text or email
laura.gamari@gmail.com
https://d.docs.live.net/899bf0efb0c0b3bd
Oh my god I have no idea what to do now
Count on them coming through with the motions
Get my room back
Or
I just want my room back so bad
I don’t have to hear anyone cough
I don’t have to be worried I will get sick from someone else
That they’re gonna hurt me when I’m trying to sleep
I could shower a million times a day if I can get soap
I have art supplies
I have internet
I have found ways to keep paying for internet – I guess
that’s still a thing
You’re gonna need to do something outside your room
Yeah well it’s different
I need to pee
4:06pm
I’m so tired I can’t stand it
What the fuck do I do now
Don’t expect anyone to rescue you – I don’t
But fuck it would be awesome if they did – with no strings
attached
*
2:42pm Feb 13, 2026
At the library
Place is nice
Clean
It started raining a little bit outside
I’ll be here until 6pm I think
I have no idea what I’m doing or how much time I might be
wasting or whatever
I am tired
Let’s see if the news works with the headphones
Tried to talk to someone on the phone with them and could
barely hear them
I don’t know if they’re totally broken
Should have tested them out before I left the hotel
Trying to stay in a shelter tonight
What if I don’t get a bed
I’m just really glad I’m not on my period
Was probably the shortest period I ever had
Like my body was listening – okay we aren’t gonna do this
for a week, just like two days this time
Thanks body
What the fuuuuck
Hasan’s stream:
You have no idea how much people are trying to make me leave
Portland and I feel the same way
Riight – I also said this myself like years ago and he is
always repeating things I said myself but whatever – still true
Right – tourists and unloved people – leave – that’s been
the memo for a while even here
Love this man
Horrific
Whose reality?
Jesus bro – it’s okay to be fat
How the fuck did this man just praise two of the worst
presidents who ever lived and then …. It just doesn’t make sense
*
It is February 14, 2026
Happy fucking Valentine’s Day
I am exhausted
I have a tension sinus headache
I am so tired
Ahead of me are some parents and their kids – some kind of
workshop
I’m not wearing a face mask and it’s making me feel weird
but my face feels even weirder
I should probably go splash water on my face
It’s just such a hassle with the cart
I was able to store a lot my stuff though – this is the
downsized version
I have a tarp for the rain but it pools and you need to dry
it off when you go inside anywhere
It’s not so bad
There is an air of judgement but I am also using it to lean
and it helps me walk around so anyone judgmental can double suck it
A little nervous about getting stuff stolen but at the same
time it’s so locked up with tarps they’d have to try to run off with the whole
thing – hopefully someone would stop them
The new shelter is extremely nice compared to the other one
The staff were nice at both – but the arrangement of the
sleeping situation is very different
The first shelter was really squeezed in together – it felt
like the definition of cacophony come to life with everyone coughing.
There are still people coughing in the new shelter but
everyone is spaced much farther apart, the ceilings are high and well
ventilated, it’s not totally dark – everything is clean – it had big bathrooms
with both multi and single stalls – even though it doesn’t have showers, you
can tidy yourself up a bit. People are disabled in ways that everything is more
difficult for them and I’m surprised there are not automatic doors on things
and the toilet flush is a bit difficult and you have to hold it down – there
was a back up problem with one – but it’s far from the end of the world. They
need hooks in the walls so you can hang your stuff up off the floor to get
changed
I just coughed – might as well put a mask on – I don’t want
to get other people sick – that urgent care said I wasn’t viral but hey, it
does bother me people don’t even try to cover their mouths when they cough – I
don’t know if it bothered me before but yeah, just all over the place
I use hand sanitizer a lot – if there was a scientific
equivalent to holy water, that would be it
But yeah, we got really good snacks – everything is snacks –
pb&j and a bento box of nuts and cheese and grapes, a muffin, they had
coffee and water. Someone had something that smelled like apple cinnamon this
morning it was so good.
So yeah, the new shelter is clean, feels really spacious,
has storage you can leave there during the day, and a bin you can keep things
with you under your bed. One girl just had a ton of stuff and used the empty
bed next to her to sort it out. Another has two cats she is carrying around in
one of those peek-a-boo bags I got for my cat before he died. It was nice to
hear cats again. I think another lady had a dog there.
They don’t mine my cart at all and had plenty of room.
It feels like another city, just a few blocks away from
where I used to live.
Each area is its own ecosystem.
Hmm, I’m surprised Hasan isn’t online yet.
Actually, I’m surprised Hasan isn’t in love and spending
Valentine’s day with someone. Maybe it will be a short stream – or better, he
could do a double stream. Fantasizing about him got me through a really lonely
period but I always remember we have never met. Keeps me sane.
They have a place I can take a shower and do laundry on
Monday.
Mail services too. Once I work that out a lot of things will
fall into place. They said they’d help me with my disability application as
well which makes me wanna cry. If I could have just gotten disability
assistance this wouldn’t have happened. If the city had distributed that $106
million for rent assistance, this wouldn’t have happened. Now there’s – yes
please donate to paypal.me/LLGamari or if you’re more comfortable with my
gofundme – oh my god I don’t know what I’m gonna do I am seriously deteriorated
and I can’t work like I used to. I am stronger than I was on Jan 21st
at least – and the bottom of my foot is healed though I am still having some
swelling problems.
Thoughts just crossed my mind about how I seem to people – I
don’t smoke now. I don’t drink now. I am worried about going pee a lot. I am
not all the way there – just in this shock mode like autopilot – where do we go
next? What now? Keep walking. I haven’t had a lot of conversations about really
deep issues, they haven’t come up yet. That thing about the money was the most
political conversation I’ve had I think …
Oh yeah, I didn’t even finish saying: So they found $106
million that was supposed to go to rent assistance. Then the Trailblazers need
like $65 million to redo the moda center or something and I guess they want to
used that money. I didn’t remember until just now that the mayor wanted to use
the money for a general fund – suddenly just got really, really cold…
I don’t want to be pitted against people who would rather we
funded the moda center for a redo instead of rent assistance – but it seems
like the conversation will be set up that way. And there is a weird point – I
didn’t talk to the people at the last shelter very much. There wasn’t time.
Everything was really dark and we never
spent time outside of the shelter together. At the new shelter there was a lot
of conversation – or a lot more anyway – while waiting in line to get inside
and then one of the staff brought people out to services buildings – felt like
a field trip kinda. Well, so far it sounds like a lot of people are not from
Portland. They just got here or they don’t know their way around. I said it’s
embarrassing I don’t know my way around better – I’ve lived here since 20
fucking 12. I can’t explain how to get somewhere to save my life even if I
could get there myself. And after being inside for 5 years seeing what has and
hasn’t changed has been a trip.
There’s a guy downtown who will ask “hey do you have a
dollar?” – same guy, looks the same, like he’s frozen in time. Says the same
thing the same way. I’m sad I forget his name. I knew it at one point. But
yeah, he doesn’t even look five years older. And he asked right across from
some people giving out free bibles. The irony is timeless at this point. This
guy has literally been doing this for years on end and you’re worried about
giving people free bibles…
There are a lot of services, but like one of the staff even
said – who started their own organization to help people too by the way – the
system seems built to keep you in place. And you can see how easily that would
happen. You get into a shelter for the night. You have to keep coming back or
you will lose your bed. You get inside and pee and get a snack and then you
sleep. You hope nobody is gonna fuck with you – again it feels pretty safe and
secure but I thought the last place seemed safe because of the cameras and then
someone made a violent gesture over my bed with their arms at like 2 in the
morning and someone else got inside and made it into the beds and had to be
yelled at that if they didn’t leave they’d be trespassed – there was a lot more
people talking to themselves and saying kind of violent things. The new shelter
also has coughing and some people talking to themselves but it’s so spread out
it doesn’t feel the same. It also has lighting all night that makes it feel a
bit safer.
I am really hungry and want a muffin.
Oh my god my body is so fucking sore.
Saving every zip lock
baggie they give me. Useful as hell.
Leaving no messes anywhere.
It’s awesome there seems to be food – but if you had
diabetes, you might be kinda fucked. I thought I might be pre-diabetic and have
had a lot of zero sugar stuff for a couple years now. Being vegetarian has
worked out okay so far. Makes sense, meat is expensive and goes bad way easier
than pb&j or cheese.
What else – oh they had a bunch of people say there are
cameras in the showers at one of the places where you can go and then we ended
up going there for a minute – that was awkward and I’m not sure how to feel.
You can’t verify if there are cameras or not. It was a lot like a campground. I
guess that’s a really good lesson and I can thank my dad for it – but a lot of
this situation is not only familiar but almost nostalgic – between camping,
living at MHS, and then living in college dorms I am totally familiar with
wearing shower shoes, showering in semi-public spaces, peeing at truck stops
and campgrounds and group bathrooms – possibly do bird baths washing up in a
sink. All that kicks in like riding a bike. But you can’t really do anything
about virus fears. You can have hand sanitizer. I like the smell of tiger balm
and cocoabutter and it feels like something that would kill germs.
Anti-microbial. But there are buttons on elevators and train cars. There are
people who are being kind and will shake your hand or put a hand on your
shoulder or pull your cart over a curb. There are points of contact everywhere.
You end up having “covid blindness” – you just need to keep living your day. I
have said for years I’m worried this is what will destroy people when or if
there is another shut down and they just keep doing what they did last time.
And next time it’s worse and people needed to be even more cautious and will be
taken off guard. It’s too bad I don’t have my own medical team who could prove
anything about the virus having had me isolated for five years and if or when I
will get more sick. I hack up some gross yellow green even brown stuff when I
brush my teeth in the morning, one big clump, but then it’s clear. Green snot,
get it out of my face first thing in the morning – but then it’s pretty clear.
On an off with the snots.
Yay Hasan is on.
It looked like intestines.
I lost my train of thought so hard.
What else would be good to document about the situation?
I want to be rehoused.
Don’t know how that’s ever going to work without an income.
I had been umm… aww…
That was honestly kinda terrifying, but I’m in a very
different situation where if two people suddenly started doing that it would be
horrifying.
Is there something I should be doing with my time right here
right now?
Thought:
Why don’t you get a job Laura?
Answer:
Best case scenario I can think of – outside of suddenly
selling a bunch of music from my bandcamp or someone offering me a book/movie
deal – which is absurd – would be budtending. I have been medically isolated
for five years. My muscles are killing me right now and I would be asleep if I
had a place to sleep – brain is the farthest thing from Customer Service Mode ®
™
His friends do seem fun – they have a whole orbit – I feel
sad because my orbit is more like a meteor belt
This library rocks. I love this place.
I’ve seen two guys today who look like my old friend who
died. It’s like seeing my cat around on stuff – feels like a good omen – I’m
sure they have no idea.
I can’t wait to never hear about pedophiles ever again.
Went from 1989 to 2020 and the subject came up like twice in
any context.
From 2020 to 2024 Epstein’s bullshit has been a cycle like
every three months.
And from 2024 (when I started watch Hasan) to now it’s like
almost every day some reference to it.
Fucking ew.
I’m about to learn how to sleep with my eyes open.
So goddamn tired.
The great value tiger balm is pretty good, but the real
stuff – ultra – has more spices to it I think.
Okay so yeah – why not working
-
Body deteriorated and need physical therapy
essentially and no idea what I’m capable of now
-
Wonder if I was slowly falling apart in the
first place or if I was just starving when I was working
-
Mentally don’t know – just tired and on
autopilot
-
Horrified at the idea of saying I was good at
stuff and not living up to it now (thinking of the computer system the used at
the hotel and what it might take to learn it and be on my game and I’m just not
there right now)
-
Feeling totally torn away from a mission in life
– it’s not just “what I wanted to do” it felt like I was supposed to be
commenting, archiving, making art about, repackaging, analyzing, what’s the
word I’m looking for? Holding space and keeping record of the ongoing potential
genocide of dissidents that we’re living in today.
Oooh, gum. Good idea.
-
Oh nice it stopped raining.
-
Wonder if I should go to the supermarket at some
point today or just chill.
-
If they had avocado rolls that would be so
badass.
How are you like this?
Big scale genocide
Small scale avocado rolls
Big scale economic population control
Small scale I’m sleepy
I am sitting on a sciatica cushion. I tried using it to
sleep. It was pretty trial and error.
The beds at the old shelter were made of metal and barely
had a mattress – it felt like sleeping on a sheet on the ground.
The new beds are actually something to land on – of course
not as comfy and soft/firm as the hotel – butt way better than the old shelter.
The other people even said don’t tell anyone where you’re
staying – I was like, sure, I don’t have anyone to tell anyway.
I was painting watercolors here at the library yesterday. It
was nice.
People wear facemasks here too – I was worried I would be
the only one but there are people everywhere with facemasks on.
Maybe you should give some words to homelessness and mental
illness – or behavioral health like they call it out here. People who just act
different than you would expect and their unpredictability tends to make them
seem scary to people – whether they’re harmless or not. How much should you try
to control someone’s behavior before you’re a fascist psycho who needs to be
controlled so you don’t keep trying to control other people yourself?
I’m sorry, I’m tired and my body keeps wanting to eat.
I want my home back.
Maybe not literally that apartment.
I held onto it for so long just to be thrown away.
It makes me so sad and so rejected I just… want my own
space. How will you ever feel “safe” someplace?
Like someone isn’t going to try to rip you off and take your
home away?
I lived there for a decade. A decade. A decade.
I think I’m still in shock about it.
I lost two thirds of my stuff.
Even three quarters – beyond most of it.
I should have been helped. I feel dicked for life because
someone wanted to control a narrative.
Remembering a lady who was waiting outside the shelter last
night. She starts telling me she felt gangstalked – that’s even the word she
used – and that people were “pimping her out” and putting her face in an AI
generator tool. She was an older lady, like 70 maybe. I have no doubt she knows
what’s she talking about but it almost sounded like someone else told her to
say this. Oh and that she has a chip in her head – a line in the back of her
head with a scab – couldn’t have felt creepier and triggered – what do I want
to call it? – someone is playing a sick little game with you pretty much. It’s
like someone telling you people were doing the same thing to you but pretending
it was them. I have no idea what people were doing to me – but the idea that
MAYBE someone fucked with my head the same way and MAYBE people were using AI
or had a camera in my old unit and MAYBE it was a sex thing I did not consent
to and MAYBE I was being gangstalked and MAYBE this was a joke in a joke to
even say anything to me about it….
I think I need a snack
Firefox isn’t responding
The only direct connection I see so far is the same security
company that was hired for my building is also the security company for the
shelter and I wouldn’t have noted it in the first place but people online
directly said it was a fascist company back in 2020
I think I got the idea that people or a place have it so
good they don’t care if you like them, they can gatekeep things with a “bad”
reputation. For example: saying the best place on earth is awful to keep people
away unless they’d be will to go through hell to be there but at some point it
becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and it really does start to suck because you
make people go through hell
How desensitized the news can make you and how quickly
At some point your brain says
Oh no another war
War means people die
War is stupid
No matter the war
Just more random thoughts from the past couple days:
The way Portland looks overgrown and forested in a
deconstructed fairy tale sort of way
And then you have these new glass skyscrapers and those
1980s feeling business buildings
All mixed together
God that’s so fucking threatening
The “program” right now
-
Making you stay awake pretty much from 6-7-8am
to 8pm
-
Finding a shower – when and where
-
Finding a bathroom – also big enough to take in
a small cart and not make a mess or get anything stolen
-
Reducing everything you own to bare minimum
-
Not freaking out because other people are
sneezing or coughing
-
Eating enough to stay awake and gain muscle and
have good poops
-
Walking
-
The only way to feed your brain is to do it by
yourself
Norway has a monarchy? What?
-
Not gonna lie – a lot just washes over me and I
take it in like a washcloth that reaches capacity, dries out a little, and then
takes it in again
“Live without borders as citizens of the world” – fuck you
for calling it a delusion. Only the “owners” care about keeping things for
exclusively for themselves and their “chosen ones”.
I kind of know who Marco Rubio is – but someday I might not.
Someday I might be totally out of the loop again, like I was in high school –
it’s like a TV show with ever changing characters and recycled remixed plots
That Greenland thing – what the fuck are you doing? Just
trying to get people to pay attention – well here’s a clue – if that’s true,
it’s about way more than the desire to know what’s going on. How am I supposed
to even hear this rhetoric if I don’t have access to Hasan Piker or even
someone like him? Where do the people at the shelter get their news? When? Some
don’t have phones. There’s nothing on a radio or a TV – Hasan Piker isn’t just
playing out loud anywhere.
I hate the phrase “know your place”
Anyway, I need to see if they have a water bottle refill
thing in this library.
Where would anyone get their news?
Wake up 6 – 7 – 8am
There is no radio, no TV, barely time to check your phone.
You’re tired.
Some would go to another place – a day shelter – I don’t
know if they have more access to TVs or computers there. People don’t all have
phones.
If people steal my stuff they’re absolutely cursed : random
thought : people were just talking about getting all their stuff stolen – twice
they said – the first time they found it and got it back but didn’t a second
time – people are disabled and some have processing issues – they don’t seem
like they’re all there or hear what you said or respond in a way that makes
sense – how much knowing the news is a human right and what the fuck are you
going to do with an entire population living in another world?
I’ve actually been gassed less that I felt like I was while
I was in my apartment. People smoke a lot – there was a guy with no license
plate sitting in a car outside the shelter this morning with some kind of
broken diesel engine. I tried to get away from it. You could see the smog
coming out of his tailpipe. Ran his engine for a while too and then drove away.
How on purpose was it? Seriously feels like a hate crime but also like I was
the only one who noticed.
I love the library and I don’t want to leave – but I am so
tired. It’s 1:30pm. I will be here until close and then go to the shelter
again.
Goals:
-
Figure out if I need a homeless ID or not
-
Get a place to have my mail sent
-
Get laundry done
-
Get a shower
-
Build up muscle and brain stamina
-
Get an income – unless I can’t build up the
stamina – still try to get disability
-
Why couldn’t the world just be nice?
-
Get rehoused
I don’t have drug use issues to keep me out of opportunities
– I don’t drink. I don’t smoke cigarettes anymore. I don’t use anything. I am a
medical patient but haven’t bought anything since October. Someone shared their
weed with me a couple weeks ago but it was very mild. If anything I still have
my budtending license and would love to use cannabis again (can’t afford it
right now). I wanted a medical license from Portland Community College. https://cannabised.pcc.edu/medical/
Fuck business as usual for sure
“godless”
Do you not speak about America for me
“we in America” my ass
I think what killed my faith in the UN was A) how COVID felt
like an “operation” that has still gone unacknowledged and B) when they
supported Trump in the Gaza “golden construction” project
I need to pee and I’m debating how I could just lock my shit
up and leave it here or if I need to lose my seat and take everything with me
This place seems so much less busy – and carefully watched –
I don’t know – if I lock everything up it should be fine
Whhhhat bitch – no one should clap at that.
Oh my god what bullshit.
If anything, it’s a country full of EVERY other country in
the world.
Not just Europe.
Dreaming of having a kid and having a home to go back to –
come on let’s go home and eat lunch and you go back to your home with your kid
from spending half a day at the library and you make some sandwiches or ramen
or potatoes or whatever the kid likes and then you paint watercolors in the
afternoon or watch a movie or something and tuck them into bed and have some
time to yourself and wake up the next day and go to a park or some other really
chill, really wholesome thing and just take care of your home and your kid and
hopefully you have a person too who loves you.
“we all have the same interests here” and he says “death and
destruction” – the juxtaposition is hilarious
Mayor of Chicago made me sneeze
Crap now I really need to go to the bathroom – and probably
put on another facemask ugh
Wonder if the podcast would reach the bathroom if I just
leave it on
Ahahhahahahahaha the shade
Chicago has that wind that cuts right through everything
Would love to know the cost differential on housing people
and helping them just stay in an apartment vs. paying for shelters, workers,
bagged food, sites to shower and use the bathroom, cleaning those sites, and so
on
It sounds just so much nicer to go to a “day shelter” than a
“mental health clinic” when you’re worried about corruption in the mental
health industry
WHAT DID THAT EVEN MEAN
RICH PEOPLE NEED TO PAY MORE IN TAXES AND WE WOULD ALL LIVE
SO MUCH BETTER
Yeah?
AND TAXES HAVE TO ACTUALLY GO TO WHERE THEY SAY THEY WILL
*cough* $106 million dollars *cough*
“Repopulating” sounds terrifying
How many “owners” want to live in the same building as their
tenants?
Sounds interesting for a lot of reasons
I want to do something with my hands … maybe draw
I just think maybe people should directly buy whatever they
thought they were giving to schools – I don’t know – that middle space between
taxes or donations and where they end up – if they end up where the money is
supposed to go… just… again - $106 million dollars
Load of horseshit
Crime just has different definitions when rich people commit
crime, when crime is obvious a visible, when it’s blatant vs conspiracies
Someone stealing bread because they’re hungry vs someone
ripping off the entire country and letting people fall into homelessness
The classist level of bullshit – people who supported police
and under what circumstances clearly rule the world
Jekyl and Hyde
I feel so fucking tired but in a whole different way
It really feels like no one is free to genuinely speak their
mind
SEPERATION BETWEEN CHURCH AND STATE ASSHOLE
Ultimately, they fucked my generation
Right, it’s like saying OH NO WEALTH INEQUALITY! Let’s keep
the rich people.
If that was true you know I would NEVER listen to him
I.
Am. So. Fucking. TIRED.
Resources I had before Jan 21st:
-
A roof
-
Heater, ac, fan, dehumidifier
-
Running water, hot and cold
-
A toilet
-
A shower
-
A fridge
OH MY GOD EVERYONE NEEDS TO BE MADE HOMELESS AT LEAST
TEMPORARIRILY JESUS FUCK
-
A place to make food
-
An address for delivery (though I was being
harassed and wasn’t getting my mail)
-
Food stamps
-
A mailing address that wasn’t viabox
-
Stuff that I bought to build a new life and
barely got to use and a place to put it
Swear they make people more poor sometimes to make rich
people happy
Nah, people are religious – homeless or not – a lot of
people are just religious
How the ball got dropped through many hands:
-
Disability assistance (PTSD made worse through
2020)
-
$106 million in rent assistance not distributed
-
Being terrorized on a daily basis and (almost)
nobody backed me up
-
STRA / Short and Long Term Rent Assistance via
“coordinated access”
Resident Services Coordinator gave up on me since 2024
-
Having been in love and had a family a long as
time ago? That seems forced though. And does not guarantee you wouldn’t become
unhoused as a family for some reason.
DO NOT BE NORMAL
BE WEIRD AS FUCK
JUST BE KIND
You start talking about Milton Hershey School
Other kids who had nothing
Less than nothing
Growing up that way
Then later in life you lose everything you had
Because people stop giving a fuck about you I guess
It really feels like they thought they made an investment
Possibly in something you would have not consented to
And when it didn’t work out they dropped you
And you end up unhoused as an adult
Whole life was spent sharing bathrooms
Meal times
What a luxury to pick your clothes
To pick your food
To pick when you sleep
To have your own sheets, your own bed, your own private
space
I said this before I got evicted too
I have known this since I was 10 years old
My sister’s ex boyfriend did a fake eviction too, when I was
like 7, before MHS
What. The. Fuck.
Dork.
There are times when I think I was just supposed to argue
with Hasan about everything and I loved him instead
It’s cold and I just realized they close sooner than I
thought they would
Feels like even more of a betrayal now that I am also
unhoused
I am sober and stuff and have no friends or anything so I
guess it’s easy to make it to the shelter. Now that I have a bed I will have a
bed every night I show up. But if I had friends – or what if I get a job like
the ones I used to have? I would work second shift – the store, cleaning,
budtending – almost everything closed at 10pm or I was working overnight.
There’s no fucking way I could do that now.
How much this bullshit was about not letting you have a home
unless you either do the regular 9 to 5 or are some kind of night security
because I got fucked with when I was a cashier and a janitor.
Universal human rights or everything is bullshit
*
2:12 pm Feb 15, 2026
Wow, time flies when you have a write an extremely long
email saying a lot of the same things you have already said for the sake of
keeping the truth in focus and not being drowned by bullshit.
I got inside at noon. Almost immediately started writing the
email. I can’t believe that took two hours.
I made a sandwich. The libraries have this awesome water
bottle fill machine – it’s the best thing on earth. My phone is charging –
really slowly for some reason – I will try to take a picture before I go. I
don’t really know what I want to take pictures of anymore. The usual – wow,
look at the nature – or interesting moments of irony – but otherwise I am
mindful that I don’t want to just post where I am all the time.
Gotta stay vague, I guess.
It does feel dumb. Why not just say exactly what I am doing
when and where – I dunno, “people are strange when you’re a stranger” – yeah
yeah – people are strange when some of them seem like they’re in a cult you
mean.
I am kind of excited to get a shower and do laundry
tomorrow.
I kind of want to make another sandwich.
Don’t get sleepy. Energize – water and that energy mix.
I have so many little solutions for things right now – don’t
know what I will do when they run out.
Do you see yourself still unhoused:
-
In a week?
-
In a month?
-
In a season?
-
In summer?
-
Next winter?
-
Again in your life, later, after being rehoused
– oh my god please no.
What would improve this situation?
-
NOT HAVING BEEN EVICTED IN THE FIRST PLACE
-
There seems to have been a few awesome resources
that popped up and a few I know I missed out on over the years – there used to
be something called Sisters of the Road than came and went. I don’t know when
Oasis showed up. I’m sad because people directly said there were cameras in the
showers there, then said it was a rumor, then went and took me there… like,
what? Is it supposed to be some joke about MHS? The news put it out there that
a guy was arrested for putting cameras in a bathroom – I think they were a
boy’s sports coach – but it’s obviously it’s not supposed to be happening ever
anywhere. It’s not like school policy. I had houseparents that said there were
cameras and microphones in the fire alarms and then gaslit me and said they
never said that (I would never have had it in my head otherwise) – I don’t know
if this is just a sick joke people play on someone, or a test, or a way to ruin
the person because you repeat the idea and then you have no proof. But it’s
definitely not supposed to be happening. It’s not okay or something. And I
don’t know what to do about it now. Those houseparents left the school before I
graduated. The housedad apparently died in 2018 (which I have said was too
young and that alone seems important). That coach or whoever they were got
arrested. There have been some issues since – it’s almost like life became a
kind of hell that destroys you if you care but are powerless to stop something.
That sounds like a scam.
-
Like someone yelling FIRE! For years until
eventually you’re desensitized. You couldn’t put the fire out, the alarm kept
going off, and now you’re exhausted and scared and whatever is left of your
life just turned to dust.
-
It has felt – for way too long – like I was
supposed to bitch about pedophiles one way or another. Either how wrong it is
(which it is but it must only effect like 1% of the population – I just don’t
believe you have an entire city worth of people who identify as pedophiles or
something. Just seems bogus) or advocate for these people who had relationships
when they were young with someone older and now they feel weird about it, or
older people who liked a teenager and they want you to say that’s hebephilia or
something. Is that where the word “hebe-gebes” comes from? Because it does feel
creepy and sad. I hate this. I just hate all of this. I want to be in love with
someone like Hasan Piker – someone smart, and a human rights advocate, and who
gets my generation and the stuff I like and who I am because they are too – not
some off power dynamic thing where they think of you as under them - and just
live my own goddamn life.
-
I am so sick of this fucking conversation. I
should have been working for NASA. Yes, very literally.
2:49pm
My shit is charging reallllly slowly…
I do not use discord
4:20pm
When Hasan gets to the interpersonal commentary I get really
sleepy
I wonder if it’s supposed to be timed with a different part
of the day
I need to update the songs I guess
It feels too weird to hear shit from before I got evicted
while I am sitting in a public library wearing a face mask
They forced me out – outside my home, outside my situation
Some way of telling you to get a job – bitch you don’t even
have a job. The people who run the apartment building steals money from poor
people and orgs that are set up to help them. You have property. That’s not a
job.
I should have gotten disability.
I should have gotten rent assistance.
I should have had an advocate who would help sign me up for
programs.
Whatever the fuck coordinated access is.
I still feel like my sister is lying about having nothing to
do with this situation.
4:43pm
Oh my god no I do not want a cigarette
Being outside has really made it more obvious how harsh it
is – and people running their engines …
I thought Hasan was cute chubby
My voice feels like it’s gone down an octave but you can
measure it in my archives – the streams captured when people were gassing my
apartment and it would make my voice hoarse
I got sick Feb 4th too when I had to get the
stuff from my apartment – the urgent care said it was from stress – not a virus
– and the person who helped me didn’t get sick
It’s almost 5pm
I’ve got to pack up by 5:30
Find somewhere to go from 6 to 8
Sleep
Hope I can get laundry and mail and a shower tomorrow
Maybe help with disability assistance
Hate it when my lyrics fit with the words of someone I don’t
respect
But that’s the universe all at once I guess
Played this already
5:25pm
Almost time to go.
Anybody out there that can help me – I DO NOT have money and
am fucked:
Paypal.me/LLGamari
Time to go
Until tomorrow
I get nothing. Seriously. Please help. ------------Ã
*
11:51 am 2/17/2026
I got a shower! Yay!
They have internet and food and laundry and gave me a pair
of sweatpants
My legs are swollen from the ankle to the thigh…it looks
really fucking weird
Like suddenly I have a different body
This place has mail services and hopefully tomorrow I can
get some help with disability assistance.
I wonder how many days I should try to go between showers –
same problem I had while I was housed – I can’t just do laundry every day so
you run out of clean clothes
Trying to figure out the logistics of what I can do and what
I should be doing
Everything kind of feels like you can’t do it until
tomorrow, every day
They have a water bottle fill up water fountain too, just
like the library
It’s supposed to snow
Twice last night people started talking about meth is a way
that was upsetting – I have said a million times I supported measure 110 but oh
my god what the fuck – maybe they aren’t even on meth, maybe they’re on some
research chemical designed to destroy their brain
The second one was going off about wanting meth and then
being raped and then saying their son was killed by police and I was
overwhelmed and upset because I would have wanted to have a full conversation
about their son – if it’s true – but I have no way of knowing that and then I
was angry. Earlier, someone said “there must be something wrong with you if
you’re homeless and NOT on drugs” which pissed me off too. There is no way to
have this conversation that full encapsulates how people are drugs and need medicine
but they’re taking who-knows-what and the wrong way and they get adverse
effects.
I asked to change beds at the shelter. I kind of wanted to
ask before this happened but it was a tipping point. There are plenty of beds
open – no reason to feel sequestered into a corner. The bed they were
originally going to give me was right next to the wall. There’s no one on
either side. I think that’s better. But they wouldn’t switch me to it. They
switched me to a different bed. Someone showed up and was in the bed across the
way. In the morning, they were gone and left a playing card in the bin under
their bed. I was walking to work one night years ago and there were playing
cards all along the path in front of a bar. I think it’s supposed to mean
something. Just being an intimidating bitch. I took a picture of it in case it
matters later but didn’t bother saying anything about it.
People do really fucked up things just to feel more
powerful.
Lame.
What else?
I want to get rehoused.
I want to get disability assistance.
I need to pay to get my mail sent here I guess.
This place is nice. The showers are super clean. They have a
lot of resources.
You can sleep here, if you feel safe leaving your stuff – it
shouldn’t be a big deal but you know how things can get if someone just doesn’t
like you.
Waiting in line we started talking about politics. It was
pretty awesome. I forgot how much people do a half-reference – they mention
something but it’s kind of half right and I wish I had an instant google look
up or something - fact checker system.
It’s hard when I need to look something up that they’re saying that isn’t quite
right.
A lot of people are lonely. And don’t seem to have a lot of
politics in their minds. I don’t know what they think about all day. But some
are trying to keep up – even if we don’t get everything right.
I just realized the mic is on. Sure, go off.
Trying to figure out if it’s better to be here or try to go
to the library.
This feels a bit like a community center. Or a cafeteria. It
was a lot busier earlier.
My brain wants to put the different people into different
categories – rather than knowing their names and stories I guess. Just a
natural instinct though obviously you see how that doesn’t really help anyone.
Some people just don’t make sense and you can’t talk to
them.
Some people seem to be lying every other thing they say.
Some people are politically aware – that was the best
conversation.
A lot of very friendly people who are kind enough to help
folks every day.
They sanitize the showers between people. They’ll be patient
and try to help.
When they talk about health care and nursing homes – I guess
a lot of people I’ve seen would be in an independent living facility if they
had the money. Nurses on call but they still do whatever.
Had a really awesome conversation with two people about My
Chemical Romance today.
That was the best.
It’s nice to know it’s okay to feel sleepy here.
Someone thought I worked here and her bag of snacks got
stolen
I tried to give her some stuff but I don’t think she wanted
it
It’s okay
I made sandwiches
I shouldn’t have – I put spinach on them and I need to eat
them faster
12:28pm Hasan
STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
No one in my current orbit is talking about this. You would
have never known Jesse Jackson died.
You know the music just syncs up randomly – sometimes it
says something interesting sometimes it’s nonsense.
Awkwarrrd
Sorry – having trouble making the screen look good
There are a lot of terms that sound fine coming from people
who are part of a certain community but other times it gets confusing.
Hasan is supposed to be an ally so it’s fine but still took
me off guard a little – people rarely say crossdresser anymore unless they’re
being ironic and usually they’re gay or trans themselves
When summer comes and if I’m not housed yet I don’t know
what the fuck I’m gonna do – it’s going to be so stupid to be inside by 8pm
when it’s light until 10pm.
That’s when you’d end up sleeping outside the most probably.
And then never end up going back inside – I don’t know. It still rains. Right
now I have to come back to where I’m staying every night to get my bed again
the next night.
Everyone just started lining up for something but I don’t
know what
People need to get over whether someone is trans or not –
people do fucked up things sometimes – race, class, sex, gender, age, ability,
national origin – they just do some shit that ultimately takes away the rights
of someone else and they shouldn’t
They have hot food and I haven’t had hot food in a long
minute
I made all those sandwiches though
I guess I should sign off and go talk to that guy.
I feel resistant. What if they can’t do anything for me?
What’s the point.
And then I’m supposed to walk somewhere and just wait there
and pee when I have to pee and probably come back here again tomorrow – I
didn’t shower since… um… Feb 13th?
14th 15th
16th
So you could go three days I guess when you’re not on your
period.
17
18 19 20
So the 21st? But they aren’t open on the
weekends. Add 22nd
So the 23rd? Maybe take one on the 20th?
I like the people who work here
I feel tired in my soul
Bernie should have won
Just feeling really empty and tired and like I barely got
anything done today
I showered – that’s cool – but I’m not sure that’s actually
something you can bank on doing every day
I wonder if the showers here would be cleaner than showers
at the gym
And I would have to dump my cart off at my storage unit and
then go to the gym and come back and get the storage unit again
A lot of time is spent getting my stuff from one place to
another
I just see teenage souls everywhere
Well – that’s nice
Who is this guy?
This place closes soon
I need to pee
When I was waiting in line this morning someone started
telling me she was internet famous, but didn’t know where, and she wanted to
write legislation and was a peace activist. That was cool but something about
the way she said it made it feel like she was making fun of me more than
telling the truth about herself. I’ve said – a lot – I don’t think people are
always paranoid – they’re being bullied in weird ways.
I’m tired.
Could you imagine a story of a demented high school class
who took over a town like 50 years ago and they still function on all the same
stereotyped movie dynamics – popular, nerd, “cool” etc. but they are like 70
years old and how fucked that would be taken to an extreme.
I’m gonna log off and be back.
When this song is over.
“The starving children was god screaming at me”
Jesus fuck – they needed basic human rights. All over the
world.
3:49pm 2/17/26
At the library
Just hearing Hasan’s voice relaxes some nerve in my spine
Took a shower and already feel a little … it’ll be okay
Everybody has snacks. Fun.
There wasn’t dinner at the shelter last night – they ran out
of sandwiches.
It was fine for me because I made so many but tonight I
might want to try to grab something.
I only have like $34 in EBT for the rest of the month.
Talked to some reps from TPI – they said they can’t rehouse
me unless I am in their shelters.
What the fuck.
Where I am right now is too new I guess to have rehousing
services.
There’s another org – maybe they will help me.
My clothes feel weird – they’re sticking to my skin funny.
Someone mentioned AOC this morning. I remember when she said
she wouldn’t run because they would never let her win.
Fox News just says rage bait shit – they can’t possibly
TWO WORDS: BODY DYSMORPHIA
5:06pm
Yeah I’ve been called a “fag hag” since I was a kid
This is one of the most annoying conversations in the world,
PS
GROSSSSSSS
That has to be the most unattractive thing I have ever heard
Whatever Maxing this dude has ever done is so out the window
just for saying that one thing
Wonder why he stopped listening to music
I miss just playing music and remixing it with other songs.
It was fun.
Miss my cat too.
Actually, he’s right about Mother Teresa – except that it’s
because she was an
abusive villain not this angel person …
And honestly, I could be listening to other news right now
maybe I should… but I like hearing his voice in my head
before I got to bed
*
Feb 18 2026
I think I need to restart the laptop
Bernie – for the millionth time – should have won and we
would have housing, healthcare, education, food, internet, and even cannabis
for all right now
The chaos – just hate everything and say fuck it and it
clears the way for rich, well connected people to have whatever they want no
matter what they say their politics are
It’d not the ogres – it’s the seventh heaven type people who
might be the problem in PA
I just don’t understand how people became republicans
DANGER LAI
Earned
So fucking proud of myself for finishing the sleeping bag –
washed for the first time
In three years and then sewed back together
3:19pm 2/18/2026
Starting to have a really bad day
It’s fucking cold
Might snow tonight
Post office wants me to show up in person to do my change of
address now
I don’t know what the deal is with my address
I just want to be rehoused
I feel like they threw me outside because they didn’t give a
fuck I had been inside for five years
And they think it’s funny I am in this position
I mean, if you get paid $50,000 a year to help people and
you didn’t help me then you
Don’t do shit either
If you were saying I didn’t do shit – and I feel like I work
every day and don’t get paid for it
Just having – what’s a good word – thunder thoughts might be
good
I might just be getting hungry
They have bagged sandwich and snacks sometimes at the
shelter at night
But they ran out the other night
It didn’t matter because I still had something to eat
But yeah…I only have like $34 left in food stamps for the
rest of the month
No real sense of regularity – need to be near a bathroom
somewhere in the morning
Can’t just keep eating snacks
Needed to find an outside plug maybe and I could make like
ramen noodles
I am tired
It’s pouring and my nose won’t stop running
You were supposed to ask where all the dissidents have gone
since 2020…. everywhere in the world
My left arm is sore – that’s supposed to be a bad sign
right?
I should see the nurse tomorrow
I want to put words to the situation but it’s so bland that
not having anything amazing to say almost describes it better
I have a sandwich but it’s a couple days old and I’m not
sure about it
Yeah the sandwiches went bad ☹
4:02pm
THIS IS A PEACEFUL PROTEST feels pretty … quiet … at the
library
I haven’t had my own stream for a long ass time
Mentally ill doesn’t always mean … it’s hard to explain just
how healthy your thought process can be and still be labelled mentally ill
Some thought process about
Well yeah, no one wants to “organize” anything – they wanted
leaderless revolutions and stuff
Some thought process about … I forgot it already.
Just tired.
What if I don’t get rehoused?
Wake up in the middle of the night. Someone is talking on
their phone at 4 in the morning and not even trying to whisper in a room full
of people trying to sleep.
They turn the lights on at 6am even though we leave at 8.
I guess that’s fine.
It’s still a lot more chill in general.
I try to get dressed and brush my teeth. Can’t poop yet.
Sometimes there’s a bit of breakfast – a muffin. Sometimes
not. Usually coffee. I need to clean out this thermos … he’s talking about
fundraisers and activism and I’m worried about when I can poop in the morning.
I feel weird about living with other people my whole life. I
feel too prepared to deal with someone else’s turds in the toilet first thing
in the morning. People around me are like 60 or 70 years old and they feel like
kids if I had my eyes closed.
It’s been the same shit since I was a kid.
Rooms full of strangers. Just doing a thing. Coordinating
your morning around each other. Groggy.
MHS. College dorms. Now they have me living in a shelter.
Feels like people wouldn’t let me have a home my whole
fucking life.
Don’t forget people were terrorizing me while I was in my
apartment the last five years. It was like fighting to survive every day in its
own way. Just another kind of survival.
Don’t say that Hasan. What a fucking betrayal – would be so
goddamn awful if that was true.
(talking about “secretly being an asshole”)
What else is there – oh yeah, getting my cart together. I
need to take my bed apart. Put stuff in storage. Figure out what I am going to
need for the day. The time I need to spend trying to figure out what I’m gonna
need… I have a list of questions for whoever I can find to ask and they don’t
really get answered. I’ve been told I don’t really need an unhoused ID right
away. Just keep the ID – but… they’re not like, setting me up for failure, are
they? I don’t know if it matters. A lot seems to not matter that much unless
someone wants to be strict about it. My dad was hype about it before and it
didn’t matter then either – when I was in college. I still don’t know whether I
was a resident of New York State technically or because I was just a student
and went back to PA a lot to see my friend if it mattered or whatever.
Is he gonna log off early? Oh no.
Wait, I guess not.
So yeah, wake up.
Pee. Get dressed. Brush teeth. Take bed apart.
Get the cart. Repack. Put stuff back in storage.
Leave for the day. You can snooze at Rose Haven but I
haven’t.
Caffeine levels have been all over the place.
Taking Naproxen randomly – trying to space it out but if my
body hurts I’ve just been taking more.
Expectorant. A generic Benadryl. Rubbing generic tiger balm
and cocoa butter on my body helps a lot.
So yeah, the day shelter. The grocery store. The park. The
library. Where else can you go?
When it’s nice it might be super different. But until then –
it’s rainy, might snow tonight or tomorrow. It gets dark early. Let’s say April
18th before it stays light until 8pm. I really want to be rehoused
by April.
Are you “getting your life back”? I feel held captive and
then released into a void.
So fucking unloved for most of my life in general. Unloved
as in there wasn’t someone who could ever tell me they would be there for me no
matter what and knew what the fuck they were doing – who I loved back – who had
a brain, a soul, and who wasn’t some conservative or nihilistic nightmare.
Someone you can always call for help or advice or who would
know what’s up and isn’t also fucking you over somehow or whatever.
I am hungry. I have no idea where to go. It looks like it’s
raining. I have protein bars. Kinda makes you feel ick after a couple.
I think a friend from the shelter left their hat. I wonder
if they want me to go find them to give it back.
Just feel braindead.
Yeah yesterday was about getting a shower. Today was about
washing my sleeping bag – for the first time since I bought it three years ago.
I talked to a resource advocate person. They said they set
me up for March hop pass – but I guess didn’t add money to my card? Just
checked my balance. Said you could enter a lottery for potential money for a
storage unit at the start of the month. That could help. The showers there are
nice and they clean between people. The shower shoes were a really good idea –
probably the best thing I bought besides the tiger balm, sanitizer spray
bottle, and cocoa butter. I used that shit every day. I still have some face
masks left. Certain smells come through the mask – it smells like pee a lot. I
can’t tell where it’s coming from. I hope I don’t have a failing organ or
something – I don’t think it’s me but it was hard to tell.
How much of the world is piss and shit and there’s no way
around it. Even if you were rich living in a really nice house around here,
you’d still walk around piss and shit – dogs if not humans – on a regular
basis. Rain and places you want to clean off before you sit down. I figured out
how to turn the cart into a seat – that’s helped a lot. I have everything
wrapped in plastic and tied to itself.
Life right now feels like some constant punishment for some
shit I either didn’t know I did wrong or wasn’t actually “wrong” in the first
place – like they wanted you to do something well, in 2020 maybe, and then it
went on for three-ish years. And then three years passed and people are trying
to “teach you a lesson” about waiting – why?! So you can make me do some other
shit at another time
– fucking bullshit.
Some experiment about motivation and how to get people to do
things – I don’t know.
And of course talking like that – without knowing who “they”
are – sounds a lot like feeling persecuted. And you know how dismissible expressing
that feeling without knowing exactly “who” can make you.
Haven’t heard someone say My B in a while
5:29pm
Wow what a treat.
It could mean the library is going to close before I can
watch the whole interview ☹
It will always feel better that at least there is some sense
in what he’s saying if
– for whatever reason –
Everything keeps getting covered in a thick layer of irony
Which was Bernie’s entire platform pretty much – if you
didn’t notice
*
Feb 19 2026
Measure 110 was sabotaged
Shit is designed for social murder: the premature and
unnatural death of members of an oppressed class caused by the deliberate,
structural, or negligent actions of the ruling class and state.
Bernie should have won or at least been considered for vice
president
Crime: actions that hurt and take away the rights of another
person (ie killing someone)
Crimes are committed by people from all backgrounds –
deporting someone for using weed for example is a xenophobic excuse while
someone considered to be “from here” also gets fucked but is allowed to stay
here – where is supposed to be safe for anyone or considered home?
Maybe talking about how dangerous it is to send someone out
of the country also detracts from the dangers for people in the country – by
creating a relativity where it would always be worse – it’s wrong to imprison
people – especially for things that aren’t even “crimes” – or by setting them
up in a for-profit legal system
Kamala Harris wasn’t the worst person who ever existed but
she was not Bernie Sanders and her main draw was being the first possible
woman, and woman of color, president – otherwise she was more centrist than
leftist and had no clear goals like Bernie did
Remember there is Pennsylvania – and then there’s
Philadelphia – and I don’t want to downplay how radical Philly could have been
by my own personal memories of a very conservative central Pennsylvania
experience
Whole thing feels rigged – based on what the common
consensus was back before 2020 – before 2016 -
Bernie. Would. Have. Won.
Sorry, I keep getting distracted – my headphones won’t
charge…
It all sounds bogus if you feel like it’s way out of these
guys hands…and that sync was creep
I want to say people in the unhoused community that I’ve met
so far do seem very engaged politically and trying to keep up with the news –
though most of them are not from Portland and that seems to matter to people
who consider themselves to be from Portland
I have lived here since 2012 and it seem like I still
haven’t met and had a full conversation with almost anyone who is actually from
Portland – maybe like one person, and then two people who said they went to
high school here
Chaos Party – they both suck and we want a third, or fourth,
party option.
Though there should have been more solidarity with the
democrats don’t you think?
Something split and now the people with money and
connections just hate these kids who think everyone is bullshit (which I get,
thinking almost everyone is bullshit myself, even my favorite people are
bullshit from time to time) How much can you expect people to know and then
what are they supposed to do? Hasan dedicates his life to talk about this every
day, which I thought I was doing too – and he gets to interview Bernie and
travel the world. I am now unhoused and feel even more powerless against a system
that is going to eat me alive. How much power could either of us have ever had?
What could we have ever done?
Someone who tells you to “burn it down” literally is trying
to get you in trouble to silence you.
“Burn it down” metaphorically – like a song – is a feeling
anyone can identify with on a non-literal level.
But it ends up being meaningless when you have no idea how
to “rebuild” what you want to “burn down”. It just clears the way for the rich
to keep buying up now less expensive property and keep controlling the people
who have less – which increases as they get in trouble for trying to change
things “the wrong way”.
“Relocated” is a terrifying concept – how dare you.
Why wouldn’t you just have someone go through the court
system locally and be released back to where they were living most recently at
least instead of dropping them off into a place they haven’t even been
sometimes in decades. So fucked up.
Picking and choosing once again who can do what where and
for how long – this life is based on exploitation and temporary treats.
When I describe what the world is like I hope you realize
how much it doesn’t need to be that way – it can be different – that’s just the
impression of how it is right now. It could change.
Yep. Everyone is an immigrant except the colonized
indigenous and the kidnapped descendants of slaves.
Immigrant implies they wanted to come here.
Brainwave * Wishing people understood how much alternate and
invisible powers had/have a hand in whatever goes on in America today – like
remembering that Spain and Portugal had also colonized South America, and how
much England still had/has a hand in whatever went/goes on after the
revolution. And that’s the tip of the iceberg. We have people come here running
away from evils in their countries, then we go to war with their countries and
everyone is super confused because they told us to just go shopping.
A record is better than no record.
How about nobody should be scared someone in a uniform or
with “authority” is going to kill them.
America is defined by its diversity – I like that concept
anyway.
The cops with a conscious are quitting and needed to form
their own human rights protection force or something. It just leaves the
fascist ones in power when they leave and no one is there to keep them in check
– especially if they don’t listen to accountability oversight boards etc.
Do you see how many times this was cancelled? [CRC@info.portland.gov]
9 out of 25 times
Where is Cori Bush?
AoC Ro Khanna Chris Van Hollen
Talib omar Summer lee
Jon stewart – yeah, wow – the secret president
Shawn Fain Jon Ossoff
Other guy likes JB Pritzker
A billionaire just made the library cold
Kamala and Zohran – makes people feel better about the
future but at the end of the day, go back to work
“Teams” are gonna get us all killed. Political chess makes
us all pawns in the hands of people we do not know
“we don’t need you” sucks
Tired. Powerless. Need to pee.
Because people are bouncing us around while they hold onto
power
Republicans (generally) look out for number 1
Democrats (generally) were about human rights
And they figured out they could just make money either way
and fuck everyone who doesn’t support whatever they’re trying to do
Hasan should write out what he thinks America should do
So should I for that matter
It does end up being largely – would you listen to 2016
Bernie Sanders please
*
Feb 20, 2026
Exactly – if someone is telling you the only way to change
something is to get people killed then you know they’re fucking with you –
“nuke Washington” or whatever – that’s what’s gone wrong with every movement –
it turns into genocide
Reverse plug for CNN
You could grow anything anywhere now
How dare you
…
5:25pm
After this song I’m gonna go pee again and leave I think
Day shelter is closed over the weekend
Don’t know what I’m gonna be doing
It feels like I have to take one step at a time – can’t just
get a bunch of shit done in one day
… get the mail
…try to get rehoused
…get help with the swelling in my legs and ankles
…get food over the weekend when stuff is closed
…maybe laundry on Monday and another shower
…so a trip to the storage unit at some point
They don’t want me to use my roll out pad to sleep on so
gotta bring that back
Will need it in the future of course
There was some other shit that happened yesterday but
whatever
Just glad I got my radio back
Hope nothing else is missing and I just didn’t notice
Depressing
Anyway
Until tomorrow
*
2.21.2026
10.14am
In the library now. Can’t really talk again.
Gonna wait for Hasan to come online.
Not sure where the mic is picking up sound from – there are
little bits in the monitor.
I kinda like the background noise in the stream. Better than
total silence.
I sorta want to eat but I don’t want to break out my food
stuff right away. It’s a little embarrassing.
Feel like I should secure the stuff in the cart more. Ever
since someone jacked my radio it’s felt … more concerning.
It sucks when you gotta pee but you already settled into a
spot and are worried about your stuff.
I wonder if I should write into words what I was talking
about earlier.
It was so much easier to talk about it.
They make downtown sound so scary and it’s just some
bullshit about clearing the area
10:38am
I am sleepy.
10:57am
Wonder what you needed to learn to work somewhere like Intel
I have a degree in writing. Minored in women & gender
studies. I have a CELTA. Obviously didn’t take a lot of classes in computer
science outside of high school but I love science and could see myself doing
something more scientific than just writing science fiction – psychology
probably.
11am
Someone gave me a free sub to his stream – I guess a month
ago. It’s sad to see it’s got one day left.
Just realized KGW glitched on me
11:13am
ouch
chaos.
Bernie said we would lose the fight against climate change
if Trump won again but people can wake up at any time and try to help make
resources more renewable – unless it was double speak and they meant something
else by it
There is something so much more complicated going on with
freedom of speech – if I can hear you, can’t know you, and there is no way to
hear you exist – they could let you say whatever online but no one will ever
know about it
All IQ tests are made up though
If the IQ test was math based and you tested a population
that was never taught advanced math obviously they would also do worse
And exactly – being tired, hungry, cold, in pain, unloved is
going to fuck with you – duh
Hazing is stupid. Fuck whatever.
4:50pm
So, yesterday me and someone from the shelter were sitting
outside the library. A guy seemed to be taking a picture of us. The security
guard was in the doorway. No one said anything to us.
Today, I was filling up my water bottle. The security guard
– a different guy – looked like he took a picture of me. I asked him if he did.
His voice was defensive and he said “no, he was just doing his job”. I turned
around and there is some kind of black circle on the wall by the water
fountains. I don’t know maybe it’s a check in thing and has nothing to do with
me. But it was two days in a row and felt very – not cool.
Got rid of the murals of people and just show photos of real
estate – yeah that sucks
I need to make new music for the stream but it will cost me $10 and I can’t
afford it right now
Everything is depressing beyond words – I am just trying to
tough this out
Emergency calls only mode
Did they forget … wtf
*
Feb 22 2026
Sunday
12:24pm
Did a live stream outside of the library earlier. Gotta
remember to save those.
This shit just makes Trump’s followers more intense – gives
him some kind of martyr status.
Need more good reasons why non-violence and art as an
activist response is the way I choose.
Anyway, I went to the supermarket. Bought some bread, cream
cheese, apples, and bananas.
Hungry.
Big ass thing of now cold coffee.
Sad the guy was only 22 – whole life got wasted over
whatever this was.
UHHH, HELLO Luigi is pleading not guilty… just saying
Are these things possible to do today?
-
Find housing?
-
Disability Assistance?
-
Figure out what kind of job you might be able to
do?
o
Physical limits – allowed to sit down and pee
o
How many people and interactions can you handle?
o
Learning new things/systems/programs
o
Hour limits
I have learned to hate fire now
Debating
if I want to make some kind of fruit and cream cheese snack
for the stream
Important things:
-
….Getting rehoused
-
Disability assistance
-
Getting financial assistance
.Every day:
-
Showering
-
.Laundry
-
The Cart
-
Staying out of the rain
It is the third time Trump was um threatened
A coordinated social story and bad ideas of what makes
something “historic”
Oh yeah, and never trust “polls” – one day they will tell
you how many people they asked and until then everything is bullshit. Right now
50% could mean they asked two people and one said yes and the other said no.
I had nightmares last night:
A trip with strangers back to my gram’s house – or what was
supposed to be her house in the dream. Everything was like post-apocalyptic.
The surrounding town was empty. Then inside had been turned into a complex maze
of people and stacks of stuff – like a punk hang out spot meets Saturday’s
Market – a place that closed back in PA. Apparently in the dream my dad had
turned the place into some kind of music studio place. Don’t forget he was
super separate from my gram - my mom’s
mom – which makes it even more strange. Just a dream. And before that I woke up
in a panic and all I remember was something about “all we care about is temp
agencies” – like someone wanted to investigate them for corruption or something
You talk about a vision for the future and the world
suddenly started fighting and feeling very chaotic
Fuck 1955
“never complained” bulllllllshiiiiiiiit
They super want people to “take themselves out”
Been talking about this shit for years
Talking about “health care”
Okay…..um…..no.
This has been way too relevant for too long. I just don’t
want people to be encouraged to kill themselves.
Someone would say “how fun and radical of him” to have done
something illegal and now he’s governor
If I am dead I was murdered
Not a soulless monster but not the choice I would make and I
worry how people could be exploited
Heaven’s Gate shit
We can manage pain in so many ways, forcing them to live
through pain is part of the BS.
I remember when I wanted to be a death doula. This would
have been part of that. But there’s a good TV segment that illustrates more of
the vibe than – again – encouraging people to die or something.
I would want to encourage cannabis use to manage pain way
before I want to encourage that they just die.
What if you were the only person actually watching Hasan…sci
fi
Looking around the library wondering how many people here
genuinely want to die
Or if Hasan ever wanted to
Or if there is some strange disappointment that I don’t want
to and I intend on living as long as possible – even 100 or older
Is he saying he doesn’t actually want the viewers? Or the
boost? Even if it’s fake?
His last name means “bet”.
How would you know if people were acting like bots in real
life?
They don’t really care about you, I guess. Scripted.
What makes someone a real human being – or just someone who
is gonna say whatever you wanted them to?
What the fuck is a leftist trump? Isn’t he – by
definition…he said awful shit and people liked him because he was some rich guy
from TV. So someone who seems like a success…defined how?... and says … um …
good shit that they won’t say themselves?
Issues I can define myself by:
Poverty
Childhood poverty
American poverty
Human rights awareness = what should not be happening
Had one financially good year out of 36
Mental health world
21st century feminism (not a terf)
Forever tired
Musical psychology
Artivisit
Been unhoused for a month
PTSD
Medical cannabis licensed budtender
Big non binary girl problems
Ancestry.com / 23andme
Jewish English Italian Irish Scottish Anatolian Cypriot
Coptic Egyptian Austrian German Welsh and who knows back to Africa
Jewish (central / southeastern / eastern / Russian)
Celtic & Gaelic Itrland Wales
Western Euro Germanic
England
Italy
Levant
Jewish European Levantian American bitch
Mostly woke but very sleepy
36 going on 16-30 forever
Just realized I am really fucking dumb and didn’t plan ahead
for Monday
-
Laundry
-
Shower
-
Bringing the mattress pad back to the storage
unit
-
What to do with the extra food?
I want to eat more but I feel kinda full
I have apples, a banana, Hawaiian bread, and cream cheese
I have protein bars and that rice and garbanzo beans,
lentils, split peas mix
I am tired
Should I play more news like at the same time?
Does….he…not….do….both??
I finish watching Hasan at night at the shelter but I can’t
get the end of his streams into my streams
These are just diaries to be buried and found 100 years from
now anyway
Hope this helped someone for real someday
*
2 23 2026
Monday
At the library
Did laundry
Washed my coat
Took a shower
But…
It’s raining
I didn’t get very much food today
And the coat is wet again
I am trying not to sweat
And ruin everything
I need to charge things
And repack my stuff
And it feels like so much work
That kind of does nothing
I am not going to get rehoused any time soon am I?
I probably should have seen an primary care provider type of
doctor
My ankles were less swollen this morning
I have been staying off them
Kind of just keeping to the same small area
I use santizier every day
There is no way to really stay safe from getting sick
Everyone else must have gone through this thought process in
2020
No one talks about COVID
No one is sharing stories about how they got evicted too
It’s strange … you think people would match whatever you’re
talking about
Oh you got evicted? Me too. You got harassed by your
neighbors? Me too! You got fucked over by something? Me too. But you never hear
that. Some of the younger people were kicked out of the house – but they don’t
say much else.
12:21pm
Let’s watch Hasan for a minute. Eat a snack.
Ugh – the security guard at the library last night flashed
an OK sign at me – I don’t know what he meant by it and of course he would
never admit if it was a white supremacy “joke” – told him it freaked me out but
that was about it
Unspoken things: cults
I think every single person I have interacted with since Jan
21 has been disabled in some kind of way
They took someone out on a stretched early this morning at
the shelter
I have no idea what happened to them or who it was
Whole world is everyone all at once get over it
Thia Is isn’t absolutely morbid given what has been
happening to me for the last five years and what was said in 2019 about the
“camps” and what kind of sick joke everything is right now
For the last five years I was straight up tortured in my
apartment
And now I’ve lost two thirds of my stuff
And I have no idea how I am supposed to get rehoused
No. No hitler.
“Archive your stories” is really good advice
Who said the N* word?
There’s someone who says a lot of random mean things – I
think they might have Tourette’s I don’t know
It feels like it must have come out of being abused or
something and internalizing so much cruel shit to say
I absolutely hate this
Someone wrote the word recently in an email and it makes my
brain explode
A reminder of everything horrible that has ever happened
Cracker will never be as bad.
My body suddenly hurts really bad like it feels bruised all
over
The person who says stuff says Whore a lot and then a bunch
of stuff that’s harder to understand
I wonder if there’s a therapeutic way of controlling what
words someone says
It’s odd it wasn’t edited I think – but of course he could
still attend
I feel disturbed
What the fuck – you promise this wasn’t on purpose?
Yeah no shit – it’s not like it was for the movie Titanic
How about seeing the guy apologize personally to them?
This timeline sucks.
I’m disabled.
Differently abled.
Divergent.
There’s worse, but I function better with accommodations.
There should be a word for it that isn’t disabled the way
someone who has a harder time is disabled but I am no longer as functional as I
used to be and never was the way I think I “should” have been due to things
that are not my fault.
Becomes an existential conversation about how life “should
be” and how much I should have been able
to accomplish in this life.
My hoodie is damp and cold. ☹
Just remembered the laptop gets warm.
You can put it on your lap and it feels better.
Chaos demon child logic “let’s just see what happens” or
a publicity stunt to generate conversation
maybe they want us talking about this instead
of how that cartel guy got taken out yesterday and whether
it’s going to start a war
Gavin Newsome
People are tired and aware of how things should be
And how powerless they are trying to get there
I don’t remember what my SATs and SAT IIs were
They changed the point system the year I took it too I think
I took naproxen only a couple hours ago
I don’t understand where this pain is coming from
My hand and wrist are fucking killing me
Haven’t even typed that much today
Wtf
This matters about as much
As knowing it’s going to rain today
Yeah, can be really important information right now
But five years from now it probably won’t matter at all
1:20pm
Handwarmer takes 15-30 minutes. Hopefully that will help.
Doesn’t it feel like you need to do something?
Yeah, but what?
What a stupid fucking thing to say – every student is
different.
Period.
They just kicked someone out of the library for sleeping
They aren’t bothering anyone or taking up space someone else
needs
It’s totally random if you get kicked out or not
It’s all rainy and shit too
They’re nicer here than at the central library –
They were nice enough there but they are louder about waking
People up
I like the way the security guy
Said “my friend, try again tomorrow”
But it still sucks she got kicked out for the day
If the day shelter was open she could have snoozed there but
they
Close in the afternoons on Monday and Fridays
Hate that goddamn song
…. Are they unhoused?
Were they confused?
They are letting people use alt addresses for all sorts of
stuff
I don’t watch tv
*
2 24 2026
Stay weird
That’s the one point we always disagree on
Trying to say make cool “weird” what’s normal and make hate itself
“weird”
4:57pm
Gotta remember to put the time code at the top – don’t
remember when I started the stream today. Must have been around 11am I guess.
I am so fucking tired. Caffeinated and tired. And I want
real food. All I have is snacks.
Of course I’m here trying to watch Hasan watch the state of
the union.
Had a dream last night. Was mostly a nightmare but at the
end someone I knew from a long time ago kissed me in my dream. That was weird.
Made me miss friends who would have even cared about it. No one knows who he
is. No one would care now. No one to tell about it or how strange it was that
of all the people in the world I dreamt about them.
Woke up feeling like my muscles are being crushed in my
sleep or something.
My right side hurts. My hand, wrist, arm and then my hips
and back. Mostly on the right side. So weird.
I think I’m just getting adjusted to sleeping on a bed after
three years sleeping in a hammock inside.
I’m gonna take this moment to restart the laptop.
5:10pm
Aaaand we’re back.
State of the Union hasn’t started yet I guess
5:28pm
Feeling really fucking sad
Down
It could be worse
But yeah
I got the blues
*
2 25 2026
8:42am
Happy unbirthdae to me
Every 25th of the month is my unbirthdae
Someone said it was because of the cold but I don’t know – I
keep feeling like my muscles are being crushed on whatever side I’m sleeping
on.
Shower today – need to figure out how I was to coordinate
this. Nothing guarantees you will get a shower or a laundry spot. But I think
I’m gonna try to shower three days a week? And then do my laundry once (you can
only do it once) but I need to coordinate what I have to wear and what …. Yeah
it seems kinda stupid but it’s not.
I am eagerly waiting to hear back from this housing
assessment I took – they said if you had no income they could still get you
into housing.
The wheel broke off my suitcase – I was pissed for like five
minutes but I found the wheel – at least I can fix it with strong enough glue
or something.
I need to bring stuff back to the storage unit anyway – we
aren’t allowed to have our own pillows and blankets now. I emailed the person
who runs the shelter but they didn’t respond.
12:17pm
Library time
Got a shower, got some food, got another pair of compression
socks
Had trouble sleeping – laying on the bed makes me feel like
my muscles are being crushed in
Would be nice to hear them – that never seems to happen
I don’t think I’ve heard any Epstein survivors speak for
themselves once this whole time
It’s really nice outside today – the sun came out
I had to fix my umbrella – I was kinda proud of myself that
I figured it out
Lots of stuff got broken because it wasn’t meant to be used
this much or this way
Was thinking again about how it’s a blessing there are
showers and laundry and food somewhere but this is a band aid on a gaping hole
in our system – many of the people at the shelter should have a private space
and a nurse on call. If they had money that’s what they would need.
12:36pm
Feeling anxious
Wondering if I should try to draw or something
Feels like there’s gotta be something else I should be doing
I smell wonderful, so that’s nice
Xfinity said they were sending me a refund but I haven’t
gotten anything
Simon and Garfunkel song – Saginaw – America – love that
song
I-ran
I-rahn
Ear-on
I’ve heard all different pronunciations
Food from the night and day shelters:
If you ever wondered where all the snacks in the world go, I
guess you found out
Lunch was real food – salad and ziti – but they need to
invest in hot plates that keep the food warm while they serve it and it would
be nice if the only thing available wasn’t…snacks. So much snacks. And loads of
sugar.
Real fruit from breakfast at the shelter – kinda old but way
better
Apple sauce – but it’s 12 grams of sugar
Everything in the fruit bag is good except the bananas
So the Kirkland and the quaker bars are from the shelters.
The Walmart one is mine bought with food stamps. The Walmart one has 10 grams
of protein (why I bought it). The others have 1 gram. They were probably free
but obviously the Walmart one would be better for you.
The two bars have 7 grams of sugar and the Walmart has 6.
I guess the chewy bars are easier to eat though – feels like
it has marshmellow in it maybe
If anyone dares say “beggers can’t be choosers” BITCH I AM
DISABLED, TORTURED, AND ON FOOD STAMPS – I should be getting groceries that I
can space out over the course of the month. It costs like $10 a day to eat
(bread, cheese, spinach, and maybe a fruit) when I was eating ramen with
mandarin oranges and spices every day for … I’d have to calculate how much
cheaper it was.
Getting coffee every chance I get and just holding it in the
bottle all day and adding to it. I try to mix some chai spice but you can
barely taste it.
I’d like a laptop lock that you put on the table and can
attach your computer so you can get up to pee without worrying it won’t be
there when you get back. I like the security guards here for the most part but
they step away sometimes and I don’t know if they will catch someone fucking
with your stuff. Lots of things going on at once.
I try to keep it all together but it’s hard.
When these get damp do they re-energize? They’re super warm
and they were dead earlier.
This life is a trip.
Not a fan of the ableist joke voice but also like – hey what
the fuck – was I having aneurisms when I was stuck in my apartment?
It can so easily feel like the last five years almost didn’t
happen – the cut off is so severe and sudden and the situation was so strange.
Being back in the world like you were for the first 30 years of your life just
with a facemask on most of the time… it’s so fucking strange. Hard to explain.
Like being in a kind of shock all the time.
1:44pm
Need to peeeeee
But don’t want to have to pack up all my shit just to go to
the bathroom and come right back
Someone is kinda fighting I guess
Fighting around me is really upsetting – the energy rubs off
on me
Politically, I am just waiting for Trump’s bullshit era to
be over and we get the DSA in charge of everything again
I’m gonna go pee and play democracy now when I come back
PLEASE DON’T
STEAL MY STUFF IT’S ALL I HAVE
1:58PM
I’m back. Super fast.
It’s nice outside. The sun is out. Dunno if I should
try to go outside before the sun goes down. I’ve got a room reserved from 5:30
to 7:30 tonight. I have some snacks. Hopefully get a PB&J tonight. Just
gotta make it to the 1st and I can get food again. Wish they hadn’t
told me this one day shelter place had cameras in the bathrooms because I don’t
wanna go there super much – they said it flat out, then said it was just a
rumor, then brought us there like the first day. Felt messed up. Everywhere
takes a photo of you and stuff too – feel so labeled and tagged. Whatever. When
we die we all go to the same place (says me).
No one else is here today. Or at least I haven’t
seen anyone.
It’s nice to be alone again for a minute. I feel so
much – lighter.
I do wonder if I will ever run into someone I
actually recognize from before 2020 ever again though.
I don’t know what’s going on with everyone else who
is unhoused – so many different situations. Never just group everyone together
in one big lump.
Some scuffle going on – a loud guy and a quiet guy.
Dunno the situation. Trying to mind my own business. But just noticing things.
I guess one guy feels judged. Dunno if they’re
together. The staff put up with a lot of shit and they are clearly practiced in
it just maintaining composure and trying to be nice and then they catch hell
from somebody on a regular basis – I see that. And then you get judged because
they’re used to dealing with all sorts of bullshit.
Staff at the shelters. Staff at the library. Staff
at the grocery store. Staff at the urgent care.
I guess that’s all I’ve gone to. I haven’t gone to a
dispensary – I don’t have money for medicine right now and I don’t feel safe
enough to get stoned around anyone else anyway.
I have a budtending license – I just don’t feel
ready for customer service. Physically or emotionally.
You can see how divides happen – so sick of putting
up with bullshit on one side, and so sick of being rejected by society on the
other.
I can see where you might not even be doing anything
wrong and you get kicked out of places – it’s not always just bad behavior –
but does seem to be a connection between people getting kicked out of wherever
and them having a total meltdown and saying racist, sexist, homophobic, mean
shit or getting super loud and angry, not just like – oh no they’re having a
panic attack. It’s like, oh no they’re being abusive.
I feel tortured and then ripped off. If anyone knows
what the fuck that’s about, please help me.
I am so fucking hungry.
Back to Hasan:
I hate how much time I have spent listening to
people I could have never known existed….
Let’s watch democracy now.
Suddenly just got really cold where I am sitting
Still don’t really believe we “abducted” maduro more
than we “extracted” him
That shit just gave him cool points, right?
Why are we even …. Nevermind
What…the….fuck……
Release valves
I would rather be fucking someone I love right now
than doing just about anything else
I heard most of this on the radio this morning
My back and hips are fucking tight – what’s the word
I want – like glued together
It could be worse but it suuuuuucks – scale of 1 to
10 it’s like a 4 or 5 pain, at night it’s a 7
A lady at the shelter has really nice holographic
press on nails – I had those same ones once, maybe a cheaper version. My nails
went to absolute shit when I became unhoused and stopped being able to get
those protein shakes. They had biotin in them I think.
I worry a lot that I’m somehow wasting my time. I
feel like I woke up one day and was 36 and I don’t know what it means but it
sounds older than I should be.
Oh my god shut up the country isn’t going to die.
They just want people to think it’s the end of the
world so they act different.
Hi, your friendly neighborhood unhoused artivist
here.
When I was housed I used to say if Portland was a
school the only option is to graduate into homelessness. That’s all I learned –
and it’s probably not just Portland. It’s probably the same no matter where I
would have lived.
Trying to save the potato chips and the apple for
when I have private room in like… 3:30 to 4:30 to 5:30….two hours…. right
Suck.
Wish someone would buy me a pizza. Pineapple and
peppers. Olives and onions if you wanna be super about it.
Mmmm sunshine.
Comes right into the library – isn’t that nice.
I want a nap and a pizza
And a new home that I will never lose
Random but I’m just thinking about how I got head
injuries and never got to see a doctor about it
Can’t tell if they’re just kidding about the CIA
agent
Whatever
Everyone with power is either:
-
Dead
-
Under duress
-
Dumb as fuck
-
Or in on it
Stop talking shit about jobs poor people end up
doing
Super oh no.
It’s almost like we lost a war and no one ever
explained it.
Kinda just realized there must be a bunch of food I
don’t even know about and nobody told me where to get dinner besides the
PB&Js at the shelter. Whatever.
You’ll know we live in the future when the polls
actually say how many people they asked.
I’m sorry. I’m just hungry.
4:16pm
Maybe when I get the room and can talk out loud
again it will be different but right now I don’t even know what I want to say
in about an hour. If I had money I’d get delivery to the library.
“Housing groceries and healthcare with money left
over”
How nice.
It’s like they know this already for the last
thousand years and just never got it done except for the friends, family, and
favorites of the powerful – like I’ve been saying for years now.
Oh my god. Sometimes I’m like, shut up Hasan. You
just want chaos. No one but a select few can “say the right things” and they
are “saying the right things” sometimes just as much – I’ll let you know when I
have a home, food, healthcare I can trust, and whatever else you’re supposed to
have as a human being without being tortured every fucking day either. Or
feeling like you’re being used for some shit you never consented to and no one
will be honest about or explain to you.
The blueberries they were giving us were fresh (not
frozen) I’m pretty sure but this is sad. What a waste.
And it says it’s a class I recall so they could
literally kill you.
Pretty sure this lady is saying the same thing as
the younger lady but I am honestly just hungry and sad – I can give my own
speech about what’s important and I’m having trouble focusing
Well that’s fun
Gerrrmz
I don’t think all conservatives voted for trump but
whateves
I hate when he wears that
See that’s more obviously ironic
Noo bring back the cowboy hat
Someone came in – I want fooooooooooood
I have been saving chips and an apple for when I
have the private space because they’re loud and annoying to eat
And probably pb&j at the shelter tonight if I’m
lucky
Sometimes they have extra bags of food
It kinda looks like this is it for tonight
Maybe I should just save files or something – dunno
– sad
Lalalalalala not playing music today
I need to make more music – new music
It’s $10 for the monetization rights
And the AI is better I think when you pay for the
subscription
It’s gonna be 30 minutes of total bullshit sorry
Unless I watch PBS newshour or something
I wonder if you reserve a room and no one needs it
they let you stay when it’s the end of the day
The vibe of the library felt really different today
A couple walked in and they look like they’re from a
movie
Fun
I could reorganize the cart and show you what’s in
it
I could do language lessons
I hope the room is warmer – my arms are freezing for
some reason
I have my laptop on my lap – it’s warm
Too bad the need for electricity is so hard to
fulfill
I am a moron and knew I needed to buy a power
generator and didn’t
I got that one back up battery that had a plug but
it never worked
Little boat
Atmospheric
God I hate that fucking hat so much
It makes me wanna puke for him to even wear it
ironically
Super sense of betrayal
Yay he took it off
Cool and oh no
Oh my god just let the story play
It’s pretty
I don’t wanna drink more coffee right now or I might
have trouble sleeping
Is it a prison?
Hasan’s stream looks good
Adapt feels like a kid – I guess he’s 10 years
younger but … weird
Not 10 like 7
Oh come on Hasan
What kind of spy? Spy for what? How are you a spy
and you watch publicly available streams?
Right – do you even want to go inside? Lol
My head trauma is suddenly itchy for some reason -
weird
This did get way more fun real quick. I needed the
dopamine.
Oh man there needs to be captions
Oh man so much exploring
I haven’t seen bleach … or one piece … they talk
about them a lot. So behind.
I just saw mushishi really and loved it.
I figured they would die a couple times first
oooOOoooo triangles
so mysterious
I am just watching the clock tick by – dunno if I
could just go in early
Puzzles! Well, that’s a lot more fun in videogames
than irl usually.
Oh man I finally got the headphones to hold a charge
too
Danger isn’t an enemy ☹
Whoops
Just gonna get reaaady to leeeeave la la la
They got eaten by a monster
Random horror
I bet there’s nobody in that room and I could
totally just go in – I need to leave my stuff for a second and wanna get it
over with
No suicide please
Eeeek
This is a better training thing for how to play the
game than a designated area thing like in Lara Croft
I just wanna explore and look around
It feels like they skipped so much shit
Okay Imma go to the room now
Chaos Horror
*
2 26 2026
Rose Haven
9:23am
Haven’t gotten a routine down quite yet. Already read
through some news and watched a memorial
for Jesse Jackson – how do I make it not capitalize things
on the start of the line? – I guess I should
be saving everything for the sake of the archive.
Mic is off otherwise you’d hear the sounds of the day
shelter – I don’t know whether it’s okay to get
samples of atmosphere or not – I made the video extra small
so it’s harder to see anyone behind me too.
I would sit so it’s just a wall behind me but someone is
sleeping and I don’t want to disturb them.
It’s nice you can sleep here – they won’t let you sleep in
the library.
when it’s not raining you could nap outside somewhere maybe
at a park but you always run the risk of
being fucked with while you’re sleeping.
Overheard someone talking about the first shelter I stayed
at – it’s nice to feel like other people agree
it was rough there – just such a small space – like 50
people squeezed into a little room – and the beds
were like sleeping on metal. Lots more coughing very close
together and a lot more – chaos.
The shelter I’m in now has really high ceilings and people
are spaced farther apart. You don’t have to
get toilet paper from the counter before you go into the
bathrooms and three of the four bathrooms are private with just one toilet and
you can take your time. There’s sometimes food in the morning and you can sleep
a little longer. I was in shock when I first got thrown out and it felt like I
stayed at that first shelter a lot longer than I did. I remember being put out
in the rain at 6am with no idea of where to go. Things are a lot better now –
even when it rains, I have some idea of where I could go and you don’t have to
leave until 8am.
Everything feels a lot like school again – and early MHS,
like 5th and 6th grade – waking up to the lights being
turned up – though that was at 5:55am/6am. The sleepy clusterfuck of girls
hazily getting up and getting ready for the day all around you. As if you just
knocked the walls down between the rooms. Getting in line for breakfast –
though this is much slower paced and in that way nicer than needing to do
everything as fast as possible like in school. And there’s coffee. I guess it
makes sense they weren’t giving 5th graders coffee, but it just
didn’t exist at MHS – I associate the smell with college.
Today there’s peanut butter toast, so that’s funny. I would
eat that when I had swim practice as if the 5 grams of protein was going to
help a lot.
It’s just me and the wall again so that should be good –
again still figuring out how I’m gonna put the stream together. It’s what I
live for pretty much – this protest / archive / artivist project is the “thing
I do”.
I hate feeling like people are following me around and
judging me – like they’re having conversations with me to decide if they’re
going to do stuff with me. A couple people have made me feel that way. Like
they work for the military or they think they do anyway.
What else – waking up, just not such a strict schedule –
having people around you all the time. You are swimming alone in a sea of other
creatures. It feels familiar to me but I also feel like my independence and
privacy was taken from me – my room didn’t even feel that private when I did
have one.
Someone trying to define what privacy even is or means and
using me as an example…
You are supposed to have a right to privacy. There’s also a
fucked up trick where people silence you with that concept.
I’m debating whether I want to get food. I have a bagel at
the night shelter. It’s kind of the same things – a kind of bread with peanut
butter. I like lunch where they have salads just about every day. Even when I
had food stamps I wasn’t getting fresh fruits and veggies – if I get rehoused I
don’t know if I will leave the apartment more than I did. I wouldn’t be outside
right now if it hadn’t been forced. I can’t wear the face mask 24/7 – it feels
protective at times and harder to breathe at other times. I seem to be out of
breath by the time I get anywhere – the day shelter, the library, the grocery
store, the storage unit.
They might let me use the squishy pads I have again – don’t
know yet – but I guess I need to bring my sleeping bag and pad back to the
storage unit. They don’t want us to use personal blankets and stuff. I kind of
understand – though someone pissed the bed the other day, and I know getting my
period is going to be a nightmare. The point is, something kind of gross that
needs cleaning happens on a regular basis. My blanket just got washed and
stuff. It might take them all day to wash the bedding they give us – I have no
idea. The blankets come packaged so it’s confusing if they do that in house or
send them out for cleaning. I’ve seen the heavy duty washers and dryers though
– so I know they have some on site. I get it though, there are new people every
day and who knows. It did feel cruel just because they let me use my stuff for
a few days and then kind of took it away. I just need rules laid out on day one
and when they get changed it feels like people are fucking with you – I’ve felt
the same way at school, at work, my whole life.
I wonder what it would take to get showers and stuff there
but Rose Haven is nearby and really nice. They clean between showers and
everything feels almost like a hospital or hotel standard – you get a fresh
towel and everything and they have soap you can use. I have been using my
peppermint soap and I am pretty attached to it because I think the smell sticks
around longer and makes me feel fresher – it clears my sinuses. Someone said I
push people away because of the minty smell but I don’t care. I need it. It
smells clean. Citrus might also smell clean but it’s not my favorite. Minty and
cinnamon/spicy smells like it kills bacteria.
I mix tiger balm and cocoabutter – something cinnamon –
maybe apple cinnamon – would be awesome too.
I have been adding hot coffee to my big jug and then a chai
spice packet sometimes.
Talking about people messing with pets or messing with you
when you’re sleeping if you’re outside.
It’s the second person I’ve heard of who had someone kick
their dog at the library – maybe someone is targeting people. A new friend I
made was excluded from the library because someone kicked their dog.
A lot of people have pets. I miss my cat.
Talking about the services here and how good they are – I
want to say there should be something like this for people everywhere but at
the same time there should have been housing in the first place and a society
designed for people’s needs to begin with.
I guess it’s a good hub for things – though the alternative
would be to have in-home care or delivery services. Let you choose what you
need and just give it to you directly like it was an amazon order. The reality
of having so much stuff in the world and this is where people could get a coat
and you’re just glad you got a coat now – that’s part of the situation too on a
large scale. All those snacks…
That’s just not a good story – someone bragging about
hurting someone, knocking them out, and taking their stuff. Sometimes people
feel scared so they act scary to feel safe. It sucks though.
I don’t feel so awesome. Anxious and my body hurts.
Can you herniate the muscles in your legs?
Foods! I was really hungry.
Today they had pasta with veggies, salad, and garlic bread –
I have been eating mostly ramen for like three straight years or something –
which is delicious for inexpensive food – but doesn’t feel like a hot home
cooked meal at all. Of course the only “home cooked meal” I know is like school
food but still.
I mean, school food could be really awesome – I dream about
that salad bar.
I had nightmares last night – speaking of dreams – of a bus
full of people going over a highway and crashing and being turned into a sex
slave because I didn’t have money.
11:21am
Feeling anxious.
Full though. Had plenty to eat.
I think I should go pee.
Tourettes is one of the more interesting issues I’ve seen
anyone have. It’s a shame in a way because they seem so – talk-to-able – and
then suddenly just start going on a rant from hell. I wonder who they think
they’re talking to. If it would help for them to even just speak their mind
directly. If it’s a way to indirectly speak your mind. If it’s a bunch of pent
up feelings they never got to say just suddenly pouring out.
I really need a new pair of noise cancelling headphones.
These jlab ones are so good but this shit is falling apart and one side doesn’t
work. I can wear earplugs but it’s not the same. The ANC headphones like calm a
nerve inside your body – it’s hard to deal with all the shit people say all day
too. I needed them before just for the torture sounds people were doing to my
apartment.
Too bad you can’t prove if whether or not that shit was
deliberate. What was the point? To annoy you to death? Not let you live in your
apartment? Set you up for whatever this is maybe. I don’t know.
They close right now until 1 when they reopen.
11:56am
I feel a little I don’t have a word for it – shock. Um. It’s
like COVID blindness. You gotta just keep existing and there’s nothing you can
do about it. Like the dog in the fire meme.
There’s someone with cats and they’re just wonderful to have
around. Make things feel better. The dogs are cool but I love the cats.
I don’t know what to say. I am full. That is good.
I am caffeinated. That is good.
Coffee isn’t exactly hot anymore but that’s okay – coffee is
good at any temperature pretty much.
As long as you’re expecting it.
It is a good question of whether it’s better or worse to
have the face mask on.
I don’t know.
I don’t feel like I can relax. I am super tuned up.
I am not thinking about how to make money somehow at all
really. Not a new idea anyway. I have my gofundme. I have the paypal link. I
just do this stream like I do every day – even when I was housed.
What changed?
Maybe that’s what was wrong – I wasn’t watching Hasan.
12:21pm
Technical difficulties
Back again
12:25pm
Sometimes the weather is the most important news you’ll
actually hear all day.
Every time we are supposed to go to war we end up talking
about Epstein – notice that?
Celebrities are not a species. Homeless are not a species.
We need to change the common mentality to accommodate for individual
personalities and to expect individual people to think for themselves and have
their own personal takes and choices and behaviors. Otherwise it’s just putting
people in boxes and lying about what you should ever expect based on a label.
You could argue the only “celebrities” all end up being
servants of the state because “the state” would never allow them to be “known”
unless it served some dual purpose – even if that person is legit, they get
used.
Oooh my god. What the fuck.
I would be upset if my person came home with STDs.
Everything is something difficult you’d have to decide for yourself if you’d
work through it or if it’s a deal breaker. That would be a hard one.
Don’t feel good at other peoples’ expense – I guess that’s a
good point to make.
Do you have any idea how much it feels like a joke in
everyone’s face – like these people think they were “cool” and just “partying”
and their idea of fun was to fuck 14 year olds and raise them to be monsters.
That’s who is so pissed about the situation – they thought they were in the
cool kids club. Meanwhile the cool kids of the 21st century are
being taught to fucking hate pedophiles so this is only ever going to end in
some generational war shit.
I think a bunch of people are confused too because they were
the 14 year old and they thought they had fun – not the 50/60 year old who was
trying to fuck the 14 year old. I’m not mad at the kid. The entire culture is
fucked. Someone saying “well that was American culture” is also deeply
confused.
The store was called “American Apparel” – remember? That
should have been the only example you needed. And showing how the rich get away
with shit the poor might copy and then get fucked for doing.
Wow, and their name was Charney. What the fuck.
If someone wants to donate to my shit, that would be awesome
*
2.27.26
8:36am
I’m at the day shelter
Met someone else from Pennsylvania
Gotta figure out if it’s a thing where people who are not
from Portland are getting fucked by some system
Hard to tell though – no one seems to think so
They know who Hasan Piker is though! Cool. First time.
Happy birthday to the birthdays – today, tomorrow, and the
first
The bathrooms were broken at the shelter this morning
But I’m getting a shower later so that’s okay
Artivism
Artivision
Also, I lost another part of my broken tooth today. Crunched
right out of my mouth.
It feels fine in my mouth right now but it sucked.
Almost shower time.
I need to ask about compression socks again quick
12:28pm False Alarms
Whatever kind of good day I could be having got derailed.
I am just waiting for the room I reserved so I can talk.
Someone set off the fire alarm at the day shelter.
Made everyone pack up their shit and leave.
They wouldn't let me back inside after - I guess new people came and they got full.
I wasn't exactly ready to go yet.
It's 12:47pm now and I'm honestly still upset about it.
I'm
upset someone set off the alarm 50 times since 2020 in the building
where I lived and I never found out who they were. I couldn't stop it.
No
fire truck showed up - not that I saw anyway. It's only a couple blocks
from a fire station. It wasn't a drill. They said they don't know who
set it off yet but they think someone might have done it. I wonder how
the fuck - they pulled a thing on purpose or they were smoking somewhere
- what, the bathroom? How?! It didn't smell like fire or anything. I
wonder if it was just a fucked up way to make people leave the building.
I don't know. Yesterday some woman came over and used a blow dryer at
our table like she was trying to drown out our conversation. I have no
time for mean girl shit, tell you what.
I got a shower. That was
nice. I need to have at least three changes of clothes and something to
wear when I get out of the shower on laundry day.
It hasn't been super full. I don't know if that will change.
I
said something to someone like "the only people it wouldn't make sense
to be here are billionaires" and she made a face like she had a secret. I
don't know, the vibe felt weird.
That shock induction story
where billionaires think they're buying off poor kids - that rang in my
head. Still haven't listened to it yet. I think the audiobook is 6 hours
long.
I gotta make a plan for the weekend. The day shelter is
closed Saturday and Sunday. I am out of food stamps pretty much. I think
I have $5 left.
I lost part of my broken tooth today. I felt it
crunch in my mouth and had to pick out the bits. It doesn't hurt or
anything, so that's good.
The bathrooms were broken at the shelter - I have no idea what's supposed to happen if they aren't repaired tonight.
I
have been having a really hard time sleeping - it hurts really bad.
From my hips down my legs. The urgent care person - kate - never came
back to Rose Haven. Or I haven't seen her so far anyway. Right, she was
there last Friday - that's how I got the compression socks.
I am
kinda pissed they wouldn't let me back inside after we all got pushed
out from the fire alarm. That was really bogus. I might have seen the
medical person - I would still be there now.
A lady went out of
her way to tell me they were giving out sandwiches too - can't help but
feel lightly bullied. Like people don't really like you or they're
testing you. Were nice at first but then they play games. What the fuck
have you been doing with your lives to become experts in harassment?
It's 1pm. Friday March 27
I have to waste time essentially until 3:30.
I am trying to save files.
I guess that's productive. It seems to be going pretty quickly.
1 to 3:30 [saving files]
3:30 to 5:30 [stream]
5:30 to 6 [get ready to go]
6 to 8 [fuck around for two hours - the park? the supermarket?]
8pm to 8am [sleep]
Feb 28 Saturday
8am - 9 [grocery store?]
10 - 11 - 12 -1 - 2 [library]
3:30 - 4 - 5:30 [stream]
6 - 7 - 8pm [do something]
8pm to 8am [sleep]
March 1 Sunday
8am - 9 - 10 - 11 [grocery store? food stamps renew]
12 - 1 - 2 - 3 [storage unit switch out clothes?]
3:30 - 4 - 5:30 [library]
6 - 7 - 8pm [do something]
8pm to 8am [sleep]
March 2 Monday
8am - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 -1 [food, shower, laundry - if I get a spot]
2 - 3 [post office?]
3:30 - 4 - 5:30 [stream]
6 - 7 - 8pm [waste two hours]
8pm to 8am [sleep]
March 3 Tuesday
8am - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 -1 [food, coffee, budget reset day : storage unit cost?]
2 - 3 - 4 [library]
5:30 - 6 - 7:30 - 8pm [stream]
8pm to 8am [sleep]
March 4 Wednesday
8am - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 -1 [food, coffee, shower]
2 - 3 - 4 [library]
5:30 - 6 - 7:30 - 8pm [stream]
8pm to 8am [sleep]
March 5 Thursday - hope for housing list
8am - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 -1 - 2 [food, coffee]
3 - 3:30 - 4 - 5:30 [stream]
6 - 7 - 8pm [waste two hours]
8pm to 8am [sleep]
March 6 Friday
8am - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 1 [food, coffee, shower]
2 - 3 [library]
3:30 - 4 - 5:30 [stream]
6 - 7 - 8pm [waste two hours]
8pm to 8am [sleep]
March 7 Saturday
8am - 9 [grocery store?]
10 - 11 - 12 -1 - 2 [library]
3:30 - 4 - 5:30 [stream]
6 - 7 - 8pm [do something]
8pm to 8am [sleep]
March 8 Sunday
8am - 9 - 10 - 11 [grocery store?]
12 - 1 - 2 - 3 [library]
3:30 - 4 - 5:30 [stream]
6 - 7 - 8pm [do something]
8pm to 8am [sleep]
March 9 Monday
8am - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 -1 [food, shower, laundry - if I get a spot]
2 - 3 [library]
3:30 - 4 - 5:30 [stream]
6 - 7 - 8pm [waste two hours]
8pm to 8am [sleep]
March 10 Tuesday
8am - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 -1 - 2 - 3 [food, coffee, budget reset day : storage unit cost?]
4 - 5 [library]
5:30 - 6 - 7:30 - 8pm [stream]
8pm to 8am [sleep]
March 11 Wednesday
8am - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 -1 [food, coffee, shower]
2 - 3 - 4 [library]
5:30 - 6 - 7:30 - 8pm [stream]
8pm to 8am [sleep]
March 12 Thursday - hope for housing list
8am - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 -1 - 2 [food, coffee]
3 - 3:30 - 4 - 5:30 [stream]
6 - 7 - 8pm [waste two hours]
8pm to 8am [sleep]
March 13 Friday
8am - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 1 [food, coffee, shower]
2 - 3 - 4 - 5:30 [library]
6 - 7 - 8pm [waste two hours]
8pm to 8am [sleep]
March 14 Saturday
8am - 9 [grocery store?]
10 - 11 - 12 -1 - 2 [library]
3:30 - 4 - 5:30 [library/stream]
6 - 7 - 8pm [do something]
8pm to 8am [sleep]
March 15 Sunday
8am - 9 - 10 - 11 [grocery store?]
12 - 1 - 2 - 3 [library]
3:30 - 4 - 5:30 [library/stream]
6 - 7 - 8pm [?]
8pm to 8am [sleep]
It's 2:19pm
I saved a bunch of files. I am fucking tired.
Can't sleep in the library.
Must stay awake.
My hair feels soft and I smell nice so that's good.
If I had food stamps I'd go buy fruit or something at the market.
I have like an hour before I can hide away into my private room until the library closes.
I have 15 free gigs of space on my hard drive.
I
have a handful of snacks - not a lot but if they give us food at the
shelter tonight it will be enough to get by - just don't wanna be hungry
or tired.
Maybe work on a plan for the stream itself
.... talk about homelessness, how the budget got fucked up, how there
are apartments open, ask if anything is going on that no one has
articulated. Look up the covid death toll. Watch Democracy Now, PBS
NewsHour, Hasan Piker. Play my protest music. You know, the usual.
Debate if I am going to eat snacks now or later. Just gotta make it
through the next hour without falling asleep. They give you a chance to
wake up but if you don't stop sleeping they kick you out of the
library.
Remembering someone asked me if they could give me a hug
earlier today. Nice of them to ask first - so I could say no - but wish
they hadn't seemed so out of it. It was just super uncomfortable to see
them like that. I don't think I've ever been that way unless I was
drunk maybe. They didn't seem drunk. I don't know how to talk about it
without sounding judgemental. I guess the reader has to be the one who
isn't being judgmental.
2:30pm
Talked on my blog a bit – not sure if I should switch over
then…
2:37pm
Just experimenting with having the computer read out what I type. It seems better. More interesting.
I need to use the bathroom - so I'm gonna do that and come back in a minute.
*
2.28.2026
12:55pm
Library
Have only had a few sips of coffee and a carrot cake muffin
so far today
I have some potato salad, bread, and blackberries – but it’s
not a lot.
Some left over granola bars of various brands – that should
carry me through tonight – if there’s dinner tonight. There only hasn’t been
like once, but still.
There was absolutely nobody over here when I first sat down.
Now the whole place filled up and everyone is sneezing and coughing. Fucking
god.
I need to take some naproxen or something – my body is
aching.
A woman asked to take my photo on the train. I feel like I
was unfriendly, but she kept saying she couldn’t hear me. I don’t know maybe
she couldn’t – but it felt more like an excuse to look at my face and then
decide if she wanted to take a photo of me. It felt weird. Vibes were off.
Maybe I was upset too because some people were talking
loudly about the homeless on the train just before her – people talk like
“homeless people” are a different species and as if you could lump them all
together. Fucking annoying.
I’m in a super bad mood, can you tell?
My umbrella is broken and I can fix it with the right
materials but I don’t have them and can’t afford them – same with the suitcase.
I need some kind of super glue stuff or something. I think the bitch at the end
of the row might be the same person at the shelter who keeps like “scream
coughing” – they are so goddamn obvious. It’s just like, WHAT IS YOUR FUCKING
PROBLEM? DO YOU HAVE NO LIFE OF YOUR OWN?? ARE YOUR UGLY GODDAMN GRANDPARENTS
PROMISING YOU TREATS IF YOU FUCK WITH PEOPLE OR SOMETHING JESUS GET YOUR OWN
LIFE.
Fuuuuuck.
What else happened today?
Some days it really does feel like “who cares if the world
explodes everyone is an asshole”
Hope the cool people survive – cool like they have a mind of
their own and know right from wrong and aren’t bootlickers or idiots or people
who have some warped sense that distorts the experience of everyone around them
– like a cult.
Just dumb.
I swear the library was pretty much silent when I walked in
– it would be easy enough to prove too that people are paranoid because you
don’t do the same shit they do and they’re scared of getting caught so they
harass you to death – get over yourself asshole.
I have a whole life of my own I don’t give a fuck what
you’re doing. If you don’t like me, leave me alone.
I should have sanitized my hands before I started eating.
I’m just so fucking hungry.
I think they’re practicing being terrorists and I hope the
future hates their guts.
Makes you hope for another COVID thing but this time have it
be worse. Fuck this.
Some people aren’t just broken and need help. Some people
are straight up deliberate terrorists and they make everyone else’s lives turn
to bullshit because they’re bullshit and then everything the interact act with
becomes bullshit too.
They let me in the room like a half hour early last night
but probably doesn’t make sense to ask to go in this early. There’s a big
enough gap that someone could want to use it too I guess.
I need a new spray bottle for sanitizer. I need some laundry
stuff.
I need to remember to leave early enough to get a laundry
slot.
I’m looking forward to having food stamps again tomorrow.
$289 divided by 31 days in March is….$9.32 a day.
Which is actually right around the right price – it’s been
like $10 to get bread, cheese/lettuce/potato salad, and some kind of fruit. I
mostly need it the days the day shelter isn’t open or when they close for the
afternoon.
Isn’t it amazing who he gets to interview and who respects
that he exists? That’s awesome.
The one girl is walking back and forth from the bathroom and
if she’s just trying to get in my line of sight and coughing as loud as she
can. What is wrong with y’all and who is telling to do shit and why are you
listening to them?
God, go watch the news and care about something important
dumbfuck.
I have no idea if one army is stronger than another or
anything like that. Feels like we live inside something we don’t understand.
Like the world is run by something that is global and people get sucked into
nationalistic thinking to make them easier to use as pawns of war.
Why is their shit orange?
Those videos on tiktok that show orange stuff falling in a
glass – feels connected.
Just horrible shit.
I want someone to just say how full of shit everyone and
everything is.
I am tired.
No, don’t die.
I’m sorry but I’m more worried about 5:45pm and not having
somewhere to go for two hours while I wait for the shelter to open.
I’m fucking tired. It’s been hard to sleep – my back and
legs hurt so bad.
I did get permission to use the squishy silicone sciatica
pillows I have – so that helps.
Do I have a stronger sense of oh my god the world might let
me die so whatever now than I did before I became unhoused? Not if I think
about it – there have been a couple really good safety nets that I’m glad I
fell into even though I worry they want you to leave too – someone will be
brave enough to explain what the fuck is going on eventually….
Oh and Shelly, who owns the shelter – or is the main person
anyway – said she never got my email. Even though people directly asked me if I
wrote an email. So someone either deleted it before she saw it, she lied, or
she really never got it and maybe my email isn’t going through to people
period. How is that possible? I have no idea.
Thinking about how much the people on the train who were
shit talking about “the homeless” don’t have important shit on their lips at
all – not today’s news, not anything that needed to be said. Just talking about
being from California and whoohooo the weather is nicer here and their
expensive lives.
Fuck war
I have no idea how to do a dual stream without fucking
everything up
“our apartment is completely ruined”
Feel you
Just so excited for a whole new generation of totally
destroyed people who need constant medical care because they’re broken and out
of their minds from various wars – whether they’re soldiers or victims or their
kids or whoever
WHAT. THE. FUCK.
… he is telling them to stay inside, America will drop
bombs, and if they live they need to “take their country back” – which means
what exactly? … this is fucked up
Do they have unhoused people? Aren’t people outside living
in tents? Oh my fucking god.
Makes me think of people who imagine they “run” anything but
it’s a farce to make them feel empowered while someone they don’t know actually
controls everything.
For all I would know, everyone is dead all over the world
and only a select few people are even around anymore and they need to make up
wars to account for the loss of life.
I don’t understand how someone who is banned could write
anything…..and it always triggers me a little when they unban someone and I’m
still banned for asking about “all the other genocides” – I guess people could
have been talking about COVID this whole time and that’s one thing that will
never get brought up again.
Did you trust science and “know too much” about disease and
also didn’t get a stress lobotomy? You got fucked. I think I ended up with a
stress lobotomy. I am very aware of how I could get sick and I can’t do
anything about it. Just keep existing.
Just keep existing.
Just keep existing.
Sure, the shelter could fill up. They could miss the hours
to get into another one. But no one should be freezing to death here.
A woman was at the streetcar stop this morning. They asked
me to call them an ambulance. I genuinely think it was a weird way to get my
name and phone number, but whatever. Someone else from the shelter seemed to
have called for her before as well. I have no idea. It felt weird as shit
though. I was also in pain myself and feeling pressured and annoyed. I missed
the train because I didn’t know where I was going. Then I had to miss the next
one because I was “helping her” – she wasn’t supposed to drink or eat anything
before they showed up and she did anyway. And then they didn’t need me after
they showed up. If people keep “testing” me I am just going to hope we get hit
by a meteor.
Oh yay Cori Bush….oh no I just remembered she was the only
person there who had ever been homeless…oh nooooo.
You definitely need someone who has been “formally unhoused”
but holy fucking shit I am done with whatever someone keeps doing to me.
Since I was a little kid. YOU SHUT UP. Power hungry fucking
scammers just using me so you can have power yourself and I’m just a puppet.
Big sick joke – oh you cared? We are gonna use you.
Amazing the commentary that has died down and stopped over
the past month.
Just amazing.
Well the area I sat down in is almost empty again. Just
noticing stuff.
I need to pee. I will probably have to shut off my stream
and come back in like 10 minutes. I could keep it running just shut off the
camera.
Tired.
*
3.1.2026
FOOD STAMPS HORRAY!
I also got some stuff on sale that smells awesome and
laundry pods.
It also seems like I’m starting to get my m*th%!f*ck&#g
period and I have pads but all but one is 30 minutes away in my storage unit.
Greeeeaaaaat.
Hopefully it’ll hold off until tomorrow. Or they have pads
at the shelter. They must have something…
Has no one else gotten their periods there yet?
Also noticed there’s no pads in the trash cans.
Anyway, went on a trader joes / fred meyers adventure with
someone from the shelter.
One of the staff was actually at the grocery store.
It was a pretty nice day weather wise.
I kinda fixed my umbrella but not sure the glue will hold.
I will keep trying to fix it forever probably.
I bought pretzel bread and nacho cheese.
Blueberries.
A dragon fruit.
Ginger – both crystalized and uncrystallized.
Coconut creamer I was super excited about until I realized
it didn’t taste like the coffee mate one.
I really want them to make smaller versions of that one.
Something that’s like $1 and you could just buy one every
day.
How much of these snacks are actually for the unhoused
community?
People who need like one small thing a day – and would never
buy stuff in bulk.
Just realized how much more convenient it is and who it
would be convenient for…
There’s no fridge and no way to cook – so anything that can
be fresh for a few hours helps.
My body has hurt all day in new ways – I think the muscles
are trying to get stronger
but I don’t actually have the protein needed to build muscle
(as a vegetarian) and
…you know what I should try to order from Walmart right now.
Just to test it out even.
Kinda nervous.
What can I get that gives you protein but isn’t going to be
some big bulky thing or needs to be
refrigerated?
My devices all need to be recharged too.
You know what – I already got food today. They have a
delivery window but it cuts it close to 6pm. I might as well just wait until
tomorrow. I don’t think there’s anything I desperately need tonight. I have
both tiger balm and bob cat balm, peppermint soap, laundry pods, and ginger
foods. I don’t actually know if I started my period yet or what. It can be
tricky sometimes. I can put plastic wrap down on the bed too maybe if I’m
scared of leaking.
Fun girl stuff.
So now I can just chill until 3:30 when I have a private
room. Then I can talk. Then at 6pm we have to burn two hours until the shelter
opens. Then tomorrow try to go early so I can get a laundry spot and a shower.
Hopefully there’s food and the fire alarm never goes off ever again. It’s gonna
rain later this week which is kind of a nightmare. Debate whether I want to
wash my coat again or not. I washed it last week. It dried pretty fast. I have
a new spray bottle too if it doesn’t break or anything. I guess just worry
about getting a few pads in case my period starts before I go back to my
storage unit. I could maybe go today but I am tired. It took a lot out of me
this morning. I am so embarrassed by how much I don’t know my way around –
where the fuck trader joes was. I was lost. I have gone there a dozen times.
Not as much as Fred Meyer’s but still. Once we got to Burnside I knew where I
was. It’s like living in a totally different city just a couple blocks away
from where I used to be.
I need something – caffeine – something. I am so tired.
That coconut creamer with the peach mango energy mix – hell
yes. Orange Julius.
A lot goes on in the world every day.
I want to make a visual understanding of the geo-political
nightmare we live in and then the person attempt at survival we engage in every
day.
How much more fucked I would be without certain safety nets.
How much we need those to stay in place.
What happens when we turn 70 and some asshole makes us
homeless.
When I get the private room today I think I want to talk
about what it was like to be inside for five years and what I expect to be
different if I get rehoused
I love that he’s eating with chopsticks right now.
It makes everything better.
Just saying.
2:26pm
This really falls flat without being paired with the music and news I have been watching while making the notes but might as well keep it all somewhere....
