12:44pm
9.13.26
library
The room has a friendly tone but I am so tired and it's hard to think. I'm overwhelmed by everything I need to say.
I got fucked with again last night.
I'm unwillingly collecting police case number cards.
I made it clear I didn't want to have to call the cops but these kids would not leave me alone.
I'm still pretty traumatized about it and need to say it out loud and I can't do that right now.
The fuckers came in a few different sections but it was 40 minutes of 15 year olds swarming me.
Two walked by saying the N-word with a hard R vicious tone and saying shit about me being homeless. When I popped out from under my tarp they looked surprised like they thought I would be black. It was a hate crime. They were brown but unknown background. Must have thought they had a card to say it - but no way man - no one says it like that unless they're committing a hate crime.
Another group of kids showed up later and said PTSD wasn't a disability. It's hard to describe the mix of wow this kid is badly programmed and wow why the fuck is this even a thing - like you should be begging these kids go scrub toilets at MHS and what good that would ever do - which is NOT what I wanted. To scout jerks in need of a wake up call.
Everything is cops and the people who gave a fuck are just being used like dogs.
Why don't you just fall in a pit of lava calling each other names and saying it's the 4th amendment while people who could save the world and have better shit to talk about get on with it. The game is just to fuck you so they would build a bad faith response about something you've ever said .... it's not worth anyone's time.
Moreover, that particular slur is harsher than say "cracker" which the kids also called us, though I don't really give a fuck about - maybe because I know in my soul I would have never been a slave owner.
Throughout the night two other groups of kids drove by saying the N-word in different ways as if this was the highlight of everyone's fucking conversation. The how and why they can get away with saying this word. No one was black appearing except one of the cops who showed up later and did not push that it was a hate crime but I hope maybe they have ways of letting people know shit is rotten up in this bitch.
No one reads my blog and I have no influence on anyone - so.... now the background conversation changed tone so obviously and this asshole is talking about zoos or safaris and pretending he's teaching someone how to use a computer.
I don't care what this place is and I want them to leave me the fuck alone.
Worse, someone threw a full cup of soda at my head. Drove away in a weird black van with like a squat hatchback. It bounced off my tarp and was just pathetic on the sidewalk. The cup spilled away from me - no hard done - when I picked it up and then dried on the ground before I fell alseep. It was just cruel and stupid. The officer Stillwater says he took my complaint but who knows.
Stillwater was the guy's name last night. They also pushed repeatedly that I should "just leave Portland".
This isn't well written and I am stressed and hurting. I need to write out a big long argument about how I was forced into homelessness and am being killed - but you know - I WAS FORCED INTO HOMELESSNESS AND AM BEING SLOWLY KILLED SO....
These fucking assholes - whoever they are - made it impossible for me to write, to do my work, to live my own fucking life.
The shitty things that have happened since I was wrongfully evicted January 21 2026 that list through my brain:
- having people harass me at the shelters which fucked me out of resources.
- in Milwaukie someone gave me a tent and then people showed up at night and deliberately threw a firework inside which exploded at my feet and my hearing went out - my stuff has burn holes in it.
- harassing me out of resources around town by not letting me bring my cart inside where there a bathroom, internet, plugs, even the New Seasons supermarket that had hot water, a microwave - these fuckers hate Portland and hate things that helped people survive so they follow me around and fuck it up forcing someone else to "help". Imagine they just work for Trump and the Salvation army and then abuse me to get a supreme court soap opera out of it. I hate this.
- There's something in the air at the central library that chokes you out - they want to hurt you for being here.
- Yamhill max station they put out a couch to sleep on like a trap and then came at me with a gallon of rotten milk at 5 o'clock in the morning
- At the roundabout across from the Waterfront Park, fake "rapid respopnse" showed up without any notice and told me to move and they threw out someone else's tent of stuff - they were there for hours for one simple tent and then watched these people who were a block down from where I had to go to sit, spray me in the face with pepper spray, and then I had to cross the road again and flag down an ambulance (also threatened with a knife and the cops who showed up deliberately let them get away - it was staged).
The ambulance had three drivers - one looked like Hasan and that guy and another blonde person stood above me and washed my face with saline solution. Yeah - it was obvious and fucked up.
The two cops who showed up were worse as they WATCH the person who had sprayed me in the tent switch clothes and walk away and just blew it off.
- then last night someone threw a soda at my head and called me the N-word
- two cops and a handful of other "adults in authority" telling me to leave
I have a lot to say and no where to say it now.
I need to physically be able to speak.
Everyone and everything knows I am here so what's the fucking point of this?
I feel like I'm being used strategically and worse by people who don't give a fuck about anything I care about, who would have me die if it made their fucking story what they thought they wanted.
What "wrong" is.
I hate being homeless and I hate they can't give me my home back if they wanted to - someone has to let me live in an apartment that isn't going to kill me and is anywhere near where I've lived in Portland (3rd and Burnside) without being exactly the same apartment I was tortured in since 2020.
Cool, they made you live a story everyone KNOWS IS WRONG that you've heard in various combinations a million times - cool, cool, cool.
Is Hasan coming back online today?
I try to prepare myself for anything. I can't let anything ever break me so badly I don't carry on no matter what. People might try to hurt you your whole life - half of that needless cruelty would be punishment for not giving them something they should have never been asking of you...
My brain screams "this is just to waste your life while everyone else carries on making tactical moves, Laura. What kind of monsters wouldn't let grown ass people who love each other, love each other? Would prefer to watch some girl die in the street and used as a political gatekeeping token because she wouldn't babysit your grandkids or scrub your toilets or suck your dicks and clits or some shit.
Sundays are supposed to be some kind of Secular Sundaes Social thing where we could watch Star Trek and sing along to deep tracks.
Does it matter if I say how I much I just want to be with this guy -
"love in public" vs. "love in private"
was this ever really private?
The feeling of being punished for being too smart.
Only someone bizarro backward wants to hurt you like that.
That someone hurt both of us - both me and Hasan.
I will never see him as my enemy - I think we are being used in a psych op.
I should say more.
I feel like I need to go to the bathroom and I have to pack all my shit again - this library is essentially making me sit in a room where someone could just run out the door with your shit. I can stream on my laptop and use it as a security camera - if I didn't feel so fucking hated I would be fine.
If someone only like it because you said no maybe they need to go away.
(Some random ass dude moaning in the room I am being forced to sit in).
UGH again the idea a conservative religious community ABUSED ME to get me to explain shit for this.
1:59pm
Bathroom is clogged at the library. There's a reasonable amount of grace you give everyone and everything every day but it's been a psych op since 2020 and it's stupid and fucking killing me.
Is my face bruised? From the pepper spray?
They want me to play Lois Lane when I was always sci-fi poet who needed long drives, favorite music, good food, and quality cannabis. I needed vibez.
I need to be able to communicate when I'm not having a good thinking day - good processing day - and am just not as articulate as I would normally be - it means I can't tell you all this important stuff in a perfect way at the moment. People have been torturing me for years.
Without Hasan to be a universal human rights protest with - I am just so tired. I need to sleep.
No, I do not want just some new body to be a protest with. They are going to own the fuckers who don't have boundaries and the future needs them to do that very much.
I said that because some creep keeps making Hasan's sounds like he's stalking me for loving Hasan.
This will fucking end.
Cough your goddamn life out.
Today I seem like someone who has very little going for me, but there's a lot. It's just - a lot.
