4:11pm 

library

 

It's so fucking hot.

It has been for days.

If I get a shower, I'm drenched through my clothes. 

The clothes are getting ruined.

People peed on my stuff.

And then I seem to smell like it.

And then it's hot.

It sucks. It all sucks.

 

People fuck with me where I sleep.

Wake me up at 3am with no where to pee.

Like they're fucking waiting for you - fucking creeps.

 

I'm bound to get an infection if I haven't already.

I need to bathe for a week.

I don't want anyone near me.

 

Hasan Piker isn't online this week and he's been a dopamine source so ... he probably has to make it up to whoever ... I guess that would take a week

 

[you're delusional laura, you're fucking delusional]

whatever. this was done to me on purpose. 

 

I want to eat something.

Everything is too expensive.

I ended up buying pumpkins seeds that were on sale, marshmellows, and some bananas. 
They had multigrain cheerios but all that cereal gave me a stomach ache just looking at it.

 

Looking at the books in front of me - who wrote them? Who let them write it and publish it and have it be seen? Why?

 

Why would you bitch about "wHeRe's HaSaN" when you need to keep yelling everything since 2020 has been a tactic of genocide and we are being used to kill each other off until all that's left are some asshat's family, friends, and favorites

 

I think the librarians here might be ... not anybody's friend.

 

Worried about it.

 

The ones at the Northwest Library fucked with me, these ones are talking about fucking fire drills and told some lady she couldn't keep her bike someplace or something - it's so chill here like why worry about anything, you can feel other peoples' energy so hard and too many are like up your ass for some unknown reason - meanwhile the central gave me sneakers when the skin peeled off the bottom of my foot in February but they had someone else there who was like leading a cacophony of coughing once. I do like it there though.

 

I am traumatized and sore. My brain might as well be bruised. Stop acting like I'm not good enough because a perfect book hasn't conveniently spilled out of me - you'd have to rip me off and ruin the point of everything. Fuck you for that.

 

 I'm trying to charge devices, upload files...I am so tired. 

 

They're killing me you guys.

This whole thing has been slowly fucking killing me.

Playing it off like something worthwhile will ever come of it.

They're just fucking killing me.

 

And they're disgusting and not funny and full of hate and stupidity and it's not worth anyone's fucking existence.

 

"They" are all the people fucking with me and they know it. 

Some interconnected conglomerate of people from everywhere with every background so they can play off anything.

Fuck you for hating me.

Fuck you for every fucked thing you're ever done and would just do again because you don't care about anyone but yourselves. NO ONE WAS BORN TO BE USED BY YOU. 

 

I have three hours. 

Three hours and back to trudging up the get my stuff, hang it up - I've had TWO death threats about hanging in a tree COOL - they stole my fucking rope too - it's like these dipshits do fucked stuff to you 

23yuuuuuuuuuulike it will drive you into their friend's fucking house but you don't get in cars, don't go in houses, and aren't going to become dependent on anyone like that.  Everything is a program trying to get you to do shit or go somewhere. GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME and STOP MAKING OBLIVIOUS PEOPLE THINK I AM JUST CRAZY.

 

I am hungry.

I can't think.

I don't want to physically leave this space I am sick of being in the hot.

 

All of this is a cruel and unnecessary power move only monsters would do to people.

Only monsters would let happen to me and NOT STOP IT.

 

I guess I am going to try to set my stuff up so it can stay charging and go outside and play some chess on my phone.

 

 

 

 

 

 5:10pm

library

 

so. tired.

 

[that's all you ever have to say] 

I know, I know.

 

 ...

 

I went by my old building today for the first time since I got evicted in January. 

It's fucking empty.

They didn't need the unit.

Didn't need the money.

I could still be housed - though true, in desperate need of physical therapy.

This was torture.

 

This is torture.

 

I'm sleeping in a fucking tree where people seem to think whoever is there is up for grabs or something.

I wrote "NO" on a piece of paper and pinned it to my broken umbrella, which sticks out at all angles to let whoever the fuck know not to mess with me when I'm sleeping.

 
This morning some asshole walked so close to me I could hear their foot falls and they put trash bags in the tree "for me" like it was something nice to do. There was a blue tarp on the ground nearby like someone had spent the night right next to me but I hadn't noticed.

 
There's a guy with a white van - apparently looking for another bike even though he just fixed up a black one he had to show me, which leaned on a big photography reflector that had palm trees on it. Felt fucking obvious he was playing the talk in code game. And somehow I ended up cutting my finger wide fucking open after he sat down next to me - reminds me, I've been putting toilet paper in the bathroom at the storage unit twice now and they don't clean it and the floor is sticky. I feel absolutely prompted to be like "I cOuLd cLeAn ThIs fOr yOu" and everything else in my is like "NO FUCKING WAY. SEX TRAFFICKING. LABOR TRAFFICKING. NO FUCKING WAY." 

 

COUGH

IT

OUT

BITCH

 

Oh, someone pissed on my stuff as well.

She came right over and directly on top of a tarp, just fucking - yep.

I yelled and she ran down the hill a bit.

It's like the world's a movie and you just keep making evidence of yourself being an asshole.

You can't blame me.

Don't do fucked shit to people.

 

....I am so tired.

Hungry.

I bought a new vape today and it's the freshest one I've gotten - you can absolutely tell the difference.

Mellow Mood.

Really good.

 

But apparently I miscalculated funds and have a lot less than I thought I would have left over.

My stomach is fucking growling.

 

This is the nicest I've felt in a while though. 

Way more peaceful here.

 

6:06pm 

um.... 

my brain is wiped for right now.

 

the library is open until 8.

hungry.

debating when where how

 

um...

yeah, one of the poets of a future age right here

 

 

 

 

7.18.26

There's a lot to say and I'm not trying to re-traumatize myself about it at the moment.

 

I deeply need battery life and I need it to last through the night.

 

Getting a power generator when I first got evicted would have changed everyone's life.

 

I could not afford one.

 

Everywhere I go I see people who only give me reason to believe whatever sub-section of the population this is - they're going to die. They're being exterminated. I am being exterminated. Slowly so it doesn't seem like it. Social murder bullshit.

 

Someone pissed on me. They pissed on my stuff.

 

I wonder if I am being fucked with by a group that hates the unhoused so they pretend to be unhoused and ruin shit for people.

 

Nightmare universe we are living in - nightmare universe so many people for a comfortable spot and considered themselves lucky and stopped caring. Nightmare universe where it's so clear to me 2020 was a genocide and everybody is just getting "owned".

 

Universal human rights or everything is bullshit.

Universal human rights or everything is cointelpro.

Universal human rights or everything is lying.

Universal human rights or everything is genocide.

Universal human rights or everything defeats the purpose of existence.

 

I'm so tired.

I want to listen to Hasan but my headphones are charging. I'll have to wait and listen later.

Might even have enough battery life tonight to actually enjoy myself.

 

I am out of food stamps.

The gym wants $70 for me signing up so I could take a shower and not be deliberately pushed into another community of people, some of which are harassing me - only to be screwed with a bit there too.

So many easy outs people have scripted in their minds to throw at these situations - just call someone mentally ill and not even have to take a second to know anything about them, or whether they're just fine and of their own mind, thank you.

A hundred thousand important thoughts.

I need my apartment back and I need time to just wring them all back out again.

Someone is using me, hurting me, and ripping me off. I don't know who the fuck they are.

But I get the picture that you should think twice about everyone and everything. 

Who is getting used? Find the designers of this situation or they'll have to die in a fight against a pawn.

It's 5pm.

No, I am not having fun.

I am being forced into a stupid, painful, gross fucking position for someone's fucking amusement.

They make you feel like everyone around you every day watched you suffer in your room and won't help you - of course, that's what someone would want you to think - someone who hated everyone regardless of how much they deserved it.

 

I know how to write a powerful speech too and I mean it. 

What is the joke?

The joke is they broke you down and made you question why you'd bother.

 

They're going to bother no matter how evil someone is - that's THEIR family.

 

I never thought I was going to be anything like that - I'm a sci fi poet - they gave people a false expectation and then I have to deal with their nonsensical and vicious disappointment. Sometimes like are alike - they have commonality and parallel - but there needs to be an understanding how things are ALSO very DIFFERENT no matter what you were trying to fucking explain by having ONE PERSON represent anything more or less than themselves.

 

We need a self-represented system.

I'm guessing it's only possible with internet and trust of the internet. 

 

What's holding me up?

I finally have a place to sit and charge my devices and think and I'm winded sitting down.

Like I've been running - for days.

 

Hungry enough, tired enough, hot and sweaty enough, and you just go on auto pilot. 

 

The image of someone handing me keys as a guardian when I'm like 60 but I will have missed out on a whole life and love and my own story...they kept you separate and learning all these awful things so they felt secure someone knew. Must be millions...

 

They have an old fashioned but electric pencil sharpener here. Haven't seen one in years.

 

I am so tired. 

 

My brain keeps prompting  - hey lets talk about this, lets talk about that and then it goes blank.

I'm just too tired. 

 

until tomorrow