3:15am
night shelter
phone has 13% battery left
Maybe an hour ago, I woke up and a few minutes later the phone died. People have been coughing and it hits the walls and triggers my sensory issues - whether it really is that bad or just sounds like it to me.
I want to keep track of how I ended up smoking again. I quit for five solid years. There was a lady who I spent a little time getting to know - somewhere in there I bought a pack of cigarettes. I don't think I have gotten a single pack so far that wasn't shared with someone else. So when I say I smoked a pack I mean it just got finished one way or another.
Not sure when exactly I started but I know it was a Friday. It must have been the 4th.
Then the lady disappeared - after a pretty awkward drive to the woods where they wanted to catch up on their bible study while we sat in the car and then to the supermarket where the staff made her show her recipet and accussed her of not paying and she said she would file a complaint. I haven't seen her around for a while now but she did have a car and other friends to crash with so I think she's probably okay.
Recently I started hanging out with a trio. Two are siblings from another state who ran into some bigots and one has been unhoused on and off in Portland pretty much her whole life. That girl has ended up smoking half of every pack I've bought. She offered to share, even offered to buy my brand, whenever she has some money. I think she's fun and looks exactly like she must be the cousin of a friend from high school. It's been trippy. It has been nice to feel like I am connecting with people more into videogames and alternative religions and pop culture that was made for our generation. But at the same time it feels a little like I need to supply the cigarettes for us to talk for so long - and I'm not sure anything I say really gets a point across or if they're just hanging out to be nice and have friends. I need to talk to - like - Obama - the way I have been talking to this new friend - I want to know what he genuinely thinks about all these dots I've connected. Only someone like him could ever really know enough to tell me even a partial truth anyway. To give a fully informed response.
We have almost no power over this world and we try to feel better with simple shit.
The other two in the trio don't smoke. All three don't drink which is awesome for me because I don't even want to have to worry about it. I still haven't drank at all since 2020 and I don't see that changing unless I get A) more depressed, B) more money, and C) end up feeling desperate to feel like a mature social regular person or something. I never think about drinking - I just miss having friends and the social atmosphere, alive with potential, that would surround me in Old Town. Minus the psych ops and torture techniques of course.
I'm gonna put this to the side for a minute. I feel sleepy and nauseous.
6:39am
Everyone's noises are making me sick.
Didn't want to wake up yet.
My hands are numb.
I need to pee.
I need coffee and a moment to try to poop.
Apparently there's a cat on the loose.
That's kind of sweet at least.
I should charge my phone in the station. It has been connected to a power bank the whole time and only has 20% battery.
Now a dog's losing its shit.
I think they do this on purpose in the mornings to "get people going" but whatever.
Maybe I just want to be alone today.
I need to bring the cigarettes down to like two a day. I am gonna feel out of sorts. I can't keep sharing so much. Every cig I smoked, someone else smoked one too. So I've really only had half a pack per pack - I guess that's good.
It's gonna be easier to taper off alone.
And how unserious is this? I don't do hard drugs - this is just about cigarettes and the energies you get from other people.
My leg is going numb and is sore from the hip bone. I haven't gotten my period yet this month. Last month I think it only lasted two days or something.
So glad I had headphones and a battery and internet and the phone.... the binaural beats really helped me. I need new ANC headphones though.
I need anyone out to fuck with me to hop off too .... if anyone needs to hear that.
*
I guess I have cycled now through a couple little friend groups. Maybe that's how it will always be? You meet new people, hang out a couple weeks, talk, then something gets dispersed for whatever reason and you're alone for a bit and then you do it again.
*
When I have my alone time, I feel more like myself. I feel more like an adult. I guess I feel stronger. But also more lonely, more devastated, and sometimes more "hopeless" in the sense that having anyone to talk to is a chance someone would understand everything even better than I do and maybe I can get real answers to what the fuck has been going on...
I told the new friend this has to be the last cig I give her until I can be more generous and I worry we will not talk as much or there won't be fuel to keep conversations and good feelings going .... how many times this has played out in my life when I think about it.
It's not like we have done something wrong or are bad friends- we just can't afford what it takes to keep our chemistry up.
I was also sick for about 10 days/2 weeks. I remember sitting outside letting the rain pour on me because I didn't want to be coughing and aching in the library - I was sick outside trying to find a way to sleep.
The compression on my body still happens and my limbs will go numb or burn, or both, with nerve damage. Everything is slowly adjusting and seems to be getting stronger. I just realized how much someone should have been in my life to get me connected to a good doctor and document every aspect of my situation. Sick of being told to do it myself like it's an experiment in making people be independent, then have it thrown in my face that I am isolated, alone, and have no one who would save me.
Also, on that note, as always - fuck cults.
My wrist is starting to go numb just from the position I'm writing this in.
I should try to go back to sleep. They will turn the lights on at 6am. You don't have to leave until 8.
The first place I stayed they had us wake up at 5 and be out by 6 - sometimes into the rain and nothing is open.
There is a day shelter nearby. Often people sleep here and go right there in the morning for food and showers and laundry and resources. Then the library opens. One of the grocery stores has a microwave and hot water. There are a few different spots with some kind of greenery and benches that are nice.
I am still in some kind of shock. I am still in a state of healing. I am still waiting for a chance to get disability assistance. I am angry when I get worried about people fucking me over. I just don't want that to happen.
I wouldn't have fucked them over.
I don't fuck around. I shouldn't have to find out.
✨️
You have no idea how much more important the shit I had to say was earlier. But I can't access that whole thought process - jump back into it - right now.
I am hungry but want to wait and eat the salad I bought for dinner for breakfast. I need a hot water maker so I can just have some fucking tea in the morning - slowly, with a cigarette - push everything through my system - so I can poop. I clearly have constipation problems.
They have coffee but it would be better if I could just make my own shit all day no matter where I went.
(wow, that sounded gross)
Well whatever, everybody poops. I have to do so much just to manage bathroom issues.
Again, frustrated I am talking at length about cigarettes and pooping and not about the movements of global politics that I thought I was puzzling together into some kind of truth.
It's all part of it. All interconnected. Highs and lows. Yeah, I know.
12:27pm
Library
We went to the grocery store. Bought breakfast. Went to a different grocery store. Bought blackberries and monster energy drinks so we could sit there for a while - they have a seating area with a microwave and hot water and ice. Can't tell you how big of a deal that was when first discovered.
I had been sitting outside for two weeks to hide from the rain when I found out about the seating area. Took another month before I found out you can use the to-go containers.
It's nice to have somewhere warm to sit, with wifi and power outlets and a bathroom.
Everything has been reduced to the most simple comforts. Warmth. Nice soap. Food. Hot food. Hot coffee. Cigarettes. A bathroom.
Right now I am full of salad, berries, a microwaved bun with cheese and hot sauce, coffee, and a sugar free monster.
I should be feeling pretty lively. I am still tired.
Time for Hasan!
5:49pm
Library closes at 8pm today. Might as well stay inside and warm as long as possible. I'm tired. What else could I accomplish now? I am hungry. I have $56.46 left in foodstamps. That's $3.50 a day. I feel fucked.
Why aren't I just going off writing essays of all the shit I have to say? I say part of it like every day.
My body needs fuel.
*
6:26pm
They took away Oregon's protections for Roe vs Wade that they said would protect the state even if the rest of the country went to shit.
fuck.
*
The others want to leave early. I could stay by myself until 8pm. I could do a live stream. But I would be stuck in the rain one way or another and would rather be with new friends than trudge through alone right now. I have also enjoyed a walk in the rain by myself but - - - - - - this timeline is so fucked up.
8:47pm
I sang today!
It kinda sucked!
I couldn't get the belt up for sink florida sink by against me! That's the song I measure my ability with. I used to be able to "match" the whole song.
Oh well and Paper Bag by Fiona Apple went all right.
Bright Eyes always sounds good because he was always so raw and the beauty comes through the lyrics - like an attractive friend who becomes supernatural when you find out they're smart too.
I am down to only two cigs.
I just need like $15.
Swear to go about to try and make a sign ans ask tomorrow.
A guy gave me a $20 out of nowhere - wasn't asking, was just sitting there hiding from the rain - last month.
I want to sing. I want to do art protests. I want to keep streaming. Keep up with Hasan.
Tomorrow is shower day. It's supposed to rain anyway.
My sister is being obnoxious, controlling, domineering, and mean - again.
I know all she wants is to twist this so she seems like a hero. That's all anybody wanted. They'd become even bigger monsters if they thought it meant maybe no one would realize they've ever been fucking monsters.
....
It looks like something spilled on somebody's bed. I don't know - not my business - but oh my god I can't complain about this place at all.
If I was deliberately made unhoused - that's fucked up.
But this place has been beyond generous. Sure, I could always add things that would make it more comfortable but remember it isn't your home - it's a clean, ventilated, warm place to sleep. Sometimes it's not so warm and it sucks we can't have personal blankets. Sometimes the toilets get clogged. Okay, every day the toilets get clogged. But there is almost always coffee and something (vegetarian) to eat. I like all the staff and see them as highly pressured in a situation where they are literally catering to the needs of up to 70 people a night, many who really needed personal nurses. I don't want to go somewhere else, especially when it looks like shit keeps getting closed down. Someone referred us to the delta park motel shelter in February. Their company is being sued and now they're closing. While we've been here another shelter nearby closed because of complaints. They just had us fill out another application to a different shelter service that give you your own - what I call as storage shed - to live in. But they're very far away from downtown and the part of the city I know and have called home for over a decade.
Things are getting quiet. I am gonna try to pass out. Usually end up awake again sometime after midnight or around 3/4am.
I really need to get some cigarette money and just sing. My body got stronger, though it still needs help and time. I want my voice back too.
