3.2.26
2:10pm
Library
I have been trying way too hard to have a nice day. My laundry smells nice at least. I took a shower. I had a big sandwich and still have half left over. I've used way too much food stamps already though (173.17 left) It should be okay if I just go to the cheaper grocery store more often but I like the one nearby and they were playing Built to Spill inside today. I wish they played the music outside too because it was so quiet by comparison it kind of stressed me out and it didn't feel right to play my own music - all I have is my radio - I'm out of data apparently. It was warm when the sun was out - I just wanted to feel like a person. I left feeling well fed but still stressed out.
Trying to just be in the library now and someone is making such a big show of coughing and hacking so fucking loud the whole entire place is being subjected to them. It's been going on for like 10 minutes....20 minutes...
I wear a face mask - that should be enough to protect me from anyone coughing or sneezing whether they're doing it on purpose or not but I shouldn't even have to question if it's on purpose - this shit is so stupid.
Last night it was freezing cold - they were out of extra blankets - they should have let us have our own blankets that night if they were just out of extra on accident. Said the company didn't pick them up to wash them or something. I don't know why they have the giant washers and dryers if a company picks up all the laundry. They must wash the sheets and pillow cases and the company does the blankets or something. Surely it makes sense I just don't know the thought process...right? I had to use like 8 hand warmers to sleep and I was still woken up at about 2am just cold as fuck. I feel like people are trying to pressure me into leaving - they should just leave me alone.
How could you prove a situation was just a scheme to get information out of people and then dump them with somebody else? I get that vibe from my apartment building, from all these temporary situations I have ever lived in - they just wanted to observe you and then make you somebody else's problem - what the fuck is that about?
Someone brought up the idea of "the 13 families" which I hadn't really heard before - apparently there are "13 families" who think they run the country. Sounds bat shit but who knows - maybe no one ever told me because I am on a branch of the family tree they wanted to "prune". Growing into the power line - a metaphor from my childhood.
Maybe there's just always some shit about making people feel "special" to make them into puppets and make fun of them. I don't know. I just know everyone is special and you need to be cautious about anyone making you feel like you're extra special. The bubble usually gets burst after someone inflates your ego.
It is so cold my hand is starting to hurt.
I bought this protein powder that's why I went through my stamps so fast - I thought it was a good idea. It's supposed to be 20 servings with 20g of protein per serving. I figure I can't build muscle back without it.
A lot of static in my head - who are my friends, how would I know if they were my friends, how did I make friends before, is a religious cult following me around, why don't people have something better to do? - just a lot at once. "We're doing this bullshit to you to try and prove a point and we will be dead before the point is made and then you'll be left alone on earth with no one having a clue what the fuck our thought process was...."
It's 2:40pm
The person is still somewhere just hacking their face off. So tired of it. You've heard this shit everywhere for so fucking long now. It's not funny or clever or even all that intimidating - it's dumb and annoying - just shut the fuck up and fuck off. How doesn't everyone have something better to do? If you're gonna pretend to choke to death would you get it over with?
Oh, is that too mean? Yeah because deliberately doing this bullshit is just so nice.
Fucking worthless distraction.
It happens in the shelters. It happens at the library. It happens all over the goddamn place. It can be hard to tell who is genuinely coughing and sneezing and who is being a terrorist. But the terrorist becomes pretty obvious after a while.
2:58pm - still going
If they just wanted to make everyone uncomfortable who isn't like suicidal then I guess they're doing an awesome job
I put hand sanitizer my Meyer's spray I just bought - makes me feel better anyway. Eventually the idea is that it will only be hand sanitizer - it was on sale.
As long as I have sanitizer and face masks I guess I feel better.
Just disgusted that this has been an ongoing joke and people get a sense of community out of fucking with someone. So dumb. Anyone with half a brain who ever reads wouldn't be into that entire concept.
Sick of feeling like I can't do anything without a whole big song and dance. It's exhausting.
It feels weird not to be listening to Hasan right now. I bet it's all Iran and I don't know what more he could say that he hasn't already said.
In response to Oregonian "Readers respond: Home sharing can help Portland’s homeless response" No fucking thank you. I should still have my low income studio apartment right now. Maybe I needed physical therapy - so my body wasn't just atrophying in my apartment under the stress of being terrorized every fucking day - but that was a medical issue and should have been handled way differently.
About adding hand sanitizer to my cleaning spray: well it should help temporarily at least. This sucks though. I gotta buy Lysol again I guess. Still better than nothing. And what an ugly soul to think this shit is funny. Wow, nobody wants to fuck you hey buddy? Why are you making that my problem?
Some imagined headline: "some rich grandparent's favorite new celebrity grandchild that they wanted to turn into a money and legacy factory - pay attention to them now!"
How many people did the militarized government cult get hooked on bullshit so they'd spend their time playing fake blues clues instead of anything remotely worthwhile? Demented babysitters' club but it's for adults who they were afraid would cause chaos left to their own minds.
Another bit of dialog: let's make them miserable all the time so they don't focus on what they're actually miserable about...
What do I want to do with my two hours today?
Hasan. News. This stream is always asking for donations if possible. I think I got helped twice - once for $56 and once for $22. Mostly I got help through my gofundme. I need to be rehoused. I wanted to talk about what that might be like - what I could possibly expect or predict. It's so disorienting - what if people fuck with me inside again like they did with my last apartment? Am I going to ever get a sense of justice out of what happened? I felt constantly fucked with by unknown people but at the same time totally alone in what happened to me.
3:42pm
Feeling a headache coming on. Super tired. Air feels kinda stagnant. Maybe in the future you should just reserve the rooms based on what's been open and unused for a while - I don't know. I kind of want a little fan in here or something.
Just air the room out a bit - it is starting to feel better already.
You can feel the difference in the air - it's a bit cooler like it is in the rest of the library.
I'll just wait until 3:50.
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