12:21pm
Library
I was waiting outside since...9am? A little after 8? I thought the library opened at 10.
It's Tuesday - that means open at noon and close at 8pm.
I could potentially just be here the rest of the day without leaving unless I want food.
Oh good, it stopped. There was some undulating bass noise ... no idea where it was
coming from...outside? Inside the wall behind me?
Last night I woke up around 1am to a sound in the walls
that stopped when the shift changed around 2am.
Like someone beating a drum slow and steady or bouncing a basketball maybe.
It stopped and I went back to bed.
....I am really trying to write exactly what I mean to say, but consider everything a rough
draft unless I say "this is exactly what I want to say, how I want to say it"....
Should we go back to Hasan? I could say "important stuff happening" but ... oh my god ... when isn't it?
I am still thawing out a little bit. I was colder than usual this morning.
Don't you just love warmth?
Before we dive into our ever present doom - thoughts and feelings?
I still just deeply want to have already had a solid partner to share my life with
and I continue to feel pain I don't think I would have been feeling if:
a) I had been taken care of differently since childhood
b) I hadn't been under duress in my own home for five years
c) the social order had a better grasp on pain management and stigma and worked out all the details about people using cannabis as medicine
Suddenly disassociatingly tired.
Yeah, maybe I am just barely hanging on but I will remain intellectually dignified. Cool.
Let's turn on Hasan.
12:44pm having sound trouble
1pm
I look at Marche and I see someone I so easily could have been myself... I pretty much was a version of him in high school for Yearbook
These people are making so many moves and are part of such important shit and I ... am just alone.
No idea where I belong in the equation of human rights and I don't want to be a sacrifice or used for something I never realized or a long term plan that ends up in a nightmare I didn't realize or anything else I didn't want but didn't realize....
Why am I not someone's photographer oh my god what a waste.
They made you want to start all over, didn't they? Starting to make you fantasize about a time when this will be a nightmare I had and in my new life things are better.
See a scenario where you've been exiled to the woods and you start your own revolution and then Hasan shows up and the world actually changes ...
Girl, you are never going to acknowledge that you worried ... I WORRY ABOUT A LOT OF THINGS ... no I do not want to give up on the understanding that Hasan is a hero person.
As opposed to what?
I love him. I don't want to put it into writing.
But don't you think it's important to recognize the possibility of someone like him - who would sound like him or get the attention of his followers - who doesn't actually care? What if someone was just a rich, well spoken, joker who thought he was making fun of politics and ended up being the only leader anyone respects - what like Jon Stewart? I mean, Jon Stewart genuinely cares too doesn't he?
"You don't trust human do you?" - trust humans to do what?
"If COVID was a curriculum don't you think part of it wanted whoever was going to link up to link up and wanted whoever wasn't to become isolated?"
Am I trying too hard to figure things out and creating unknowable narratives isn't actually helping?
Watching him reminds me what I was doing anything for - what I was trying to do period...
"our downfall is imminent" he said
again, I love him, but what are the chances this pocket of the universe is meant to do something to people who cared and would watch him every day?
what am I supposed to do?
figure out if you think he's fucking with you or helping the world and then respond appropriately
I want "helping the world" to be the answer.
Why the fuck did I ever think people were watching me or paying attention - unethically or whatever - to anything I was doing?
Should I be trying to get more political at the shelter?
I am so tired when I get there I just want to sleep. It is a sleeping place.
Maybe at the day shelter. I could also create some kind of program and actually teach it at the library if I wanted to get real competent real quick and turn into my best emo. mz. frizzle.
I have had a soft spot for carhartt.
I have a soft spot for competence.
Doesn't have to be all the time or I wouldn't even like myself - but competence - that thing that makes me think you got this and I don't have to do anything but listen or wait or watch you work and you're right and shit will be fine - I could learn from you - that's a relief.
foooooood pizza
For sure, getting to see behind the scenes of these speaking events has been so cool of him to share with people. Who knows what younger person might go out for politics or even a play and be so much more ready because they've watched how these things go.
GENOCIDE IS NEVER IN MY NAME
YOU KILLED THE PEOPLE, YOU TAKE THE BLAME
Goddamnit all of this is to keep people busy while the ones who make the real money keep on with their businesses
...and some people would have loved he said 'fuck' on Easter... if he was someone else, even I would have thought that was rad - so who wrote this fucking passion play?
Do you care more that your kids don't say fuck or that they don't go off and commit genocide?!
Exactly - again - how many people are dead since COVID, since 2020, and now they need to have these "wars" to account for the population differences
... just a loop of "why is this happening" and the people who could have answered are gone
.... what do people want?
.... what do these specific people want?
.... why couldn't you find the people who would have wanted you?
.... you needed to be a teacher or something Laura. You're not really considered a professional adult.
my response: 🖕🖕
2:03pm
Oh man. I miss college.
He always wings it. Or says he is.
- fuck genocide booooo
come on, does this feel like we are on the brink of a war like nothing we have ever known or ....
some shit happened five years ago and this has been damage control....
2:09pm "I am no longer alone. Neither are you."
2:14pm "WHAT IS THE FUTURE OF THE WORLD"
Third time's the charm? Talking about impeaching t*ump again
HOUSING
HEALTHCARE
EDUCATION
FOOD
SLEEP
.... feeling again of "how bad do you wish you could go back to 2020 and just have a re-do"?
AND DO WHAT
WHAT DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND WAS GOING ON?
THE THREAT LEVEL WAS TOO HIGH AND HAD THREE PARTS:
- COVID
- Military takeover during the protests
- Neighbor harassment
Where are the protesters now?
How much was an excuse to control the population?
How much of this will always be about bringing people together so you can easily dispose of the people you don't like - never letting the truth win, only act as a magnet
The idea I shouldn't even mention it - just hope everyone is legit and nothing fucked is happening - but come the fuck on - how much do you need to be told to know for sure something fucked is ALWAYS going on - even with good intentions.
RIGHT?!
"doesn't matter who you are, where you come from, you deserve to live a long and healthy life ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD"
The image of candyland capitalism comes to mind again where they wanted the loop to go this way - wanted people kept in poverty and forced to fight for a chance to establish yourself into the system and turned against the dissidents that knew it was all bullshit
2:33pm
A guy was sitting in the chair next to me and lost his spot - left and came back - and I don't know him at all and this is so overblown but it's making me tearful
I am overwhelmed
It feels good to hear this rhetoric again, to feel like I am somehow still actively connected to this world because I paid attention ... but I don't know people, I am not like Summer Lee or even Hasan Piker ... I'm practically an oracle living in a cave - even unhoused - compared to being "actively connected" to a community this way
And wouldn't they love to get people to romanticize being some lonely figure when they isolate us and make us do shit
Yeah but hasn't there also been a fucked pressure to be social and in community and useful to others and all that?
How could it be both?
Good question: WHY ARE WE THERE 2:37pm
And Abdul's response is "Netanyahu has wanted to have a war for 40 years and he found a dumb ass horrible enough to do it"
Remembering The American Israel Public Affairs Committee (AIPAC) as an example of what a PAC even is
And then "WE LOVE OUR JEWISH NEIGHBORS"
Which weirdly still feels alienating because I'm an atheist religiously speaking.
I'm half jewish genetically speaking - and half a bunch of other stuff.
Two tests came back about me being jewish too, by the way, it's as official as I could be.
Wonder if the whole structure of categories would be different years from now.
Man what do the people do who we never talk about?
Actual morality:
"Righteous opposition to the destruction of people"
Believe in people
Stand up for the values of people
Not which people
People as a species
Basically, thou shall not kill, dumbass
Just as he was ending his speech a mom and her two kids come into the library and the kid goes "hey mommy" in a textbook little kid voice and I remember I never really had a mom and there is no memory of "hey mommy" or "explain this to me" or anything even close. Gram was my legal guardian. I suddenly feel a lot less like "people" - like a person who understands what anyone else wants besides to enjoy their own one life. I don't have the same memories, I didn't have the same situations, but here's what we have in common as human beings - anatomy, basic psychology, needs, wants, how we can be fucked with, what we could be doing with our time and energy - isn't that enough just to understand people on a regular day to day basis? And to want the best for everyone?
I don't hate anyone as an individual. I am wary. There are some people I hope I never cross paths with on earth again, unless they were there to say sorry. But I don't seek them out or look for revenge or want to do something to them - I just let everything go and try to navigate the memories. Some might think that means you don't really love anyone either because you'd hate anyone who hurts anyone you love, but that can be used to turn people into security dogs and that's not love either...
Imagine just being some girl person with cool hair who shows up and does photography of progressive political candidates...
What have you been working for? What have you been fighting for? What has everything been about?
You have your own sandcastle and you're trying to make it worth building.
Friends might have gone spinning off into the multiverse and I hope they're doing what they think is important too...
honest, direct, specific
....what do I think about, and who is talking about it?
Everyone hates everything and just wants to feel cool and better
A little kid voice over an image of the planet and every city and town: Hey guys, did you happen to kill everyone during COVID and now you're just trying to waste time until we get past this point in history or you're trying to make the numbers look right so the future won't figure it out?
Laura, how did you forget these people wanted to induce the second coming? Remember? That's why they were obsessed with the apocalypse... They wanted to be "The Last Generation".
Well now what? Are we all just waiting to die?
Are we the only people who are left?
Is there enough to continue the planet or is the horrible hollow feeling part of knowing so many more are gone than I could ever calculate? Are there some grandparents rubbing their hands together and saying "Oh good, they'll be more worried about each other forever now and we have given people the gift of giving a shit and having community"...
You could see where that might have been the point of COVID. One of the points. I don't travel. How or why would I? Am I kind of trapped now? I wanted to see the world, but I didn't want to spend my whole life in another world - I wanted to have friends and be cool which meant being a kind of hero I guess - our idea of cool got intersectional and way more kind than some bogus idea that the "cool" kid was a jerk. Instead of "popular" they should just be called "known" kids. The popular kids and the cool kids were not always the same kids - our school had some groups of friends that tended to hang out but we didn't really do the breakfast club thing - the idea was to be everything at the same time - "a brain, an athlete, a basket case, a princess, and a criminal".
I'm getting hungry. It looks like they have some kind of program scheduled in the big room.
It's 3pm and I am super cold. Oh my god and my phone has been charging since I got inside at noon and only has 16% battery right now....
3:14pm Heeeeey why didn't you tell me I looked .... strained
Whether I would ever know shit about DC brain or NYC brain or Michigan brain or even Portland brain .... when you put it that way sounds bonkers but what do I know? Hunter S. Thompson should have been president and he died instead. I'm kind of kidding, but you know the absurdists had a point.
....oh.
What did they say? RuPaul's what?
And they are leaving. It is over. They had an important day. I watched.
Yeah there's a massive disconnect between my notes and following along with Hasan's stream. Guess you're just gonna have to keep me around lol ....... long stare .......
ARE YOU SERIOUSLY LETTING SOME PEOPLE DIE
IS EVERYONE BEYOND AWARE
WHAT THE FUCK HAS BEEN GOING ON
Again, this is meaningless drivel if you weren't watching the stream, which won't be available to re-watch after like a week. He might post the day on YouTube: https://www.twitch.tv/hasanabi
