4:14am
Night Shelter
I am awake and outside.
I probably have ten minutes of battery life.
There is no where to plug in the laptop.
I was hoping to sit out here and think at least.
Make the most of it.
I am being harassed.
I am being "taught" to "defend myself" - or provoked and then studied to see my reaction....
In one timeline they think they're getting me to stand up for myself.
In another, that's the shitty excuse people use when they want to bully you.
Or trying to prove a point there is no way to defend yourself without somehow becoming an asshole?
It was so blatant, I don't know why I'm bothering to write about it.
There's some psychological effect to needing help, asking for help, still not getting help, and then somehow just sucking it up even when it's not something you should have to suck up.
I want to plug my laptop in - this is making me anxious.
I'm trying to write short little lines because the laptop is going to die on me - I don't want to get into big poetics. I have no time to think.
I have so much I want to say.
It's never this quiet. This alone. Like right now - at almost 4:20am.
All day long I have to sit somewhere in public, tired enough to fall asleep but there's only a couple places I found to take a nap.
How enormously socially pressured I feel to "be part" of something - to be somehow linked up to something or someone I didn't know before - something that feels designed - and I just keep seeing myself getting tortured in my apartment from 2020 until they wrongfully evicted me January 2026 - not knowing who anyone was - not knowing who anyone is now that I'm unhoused...
The feeling someone - lets say the news - wants me to just "MOVE ON" and whatever was done to me just gets forgotten - as if it was all just an information gathering fucking thing anyway and now they're like thanks for the info, and misinfo, we pulled out of your brain via torture tactics
Information gathering, doll making, "chicken spicing" bullshit.
They want to piss you off. They want to get you so mad you make a fool of yourself. They want to get you so mad you do something they wouldn't do themselves. Or they think you can do something they can't, even if you can't either.
You could measurably feel the sense of people's hopes and expectations - how did they have expectations? - rise and fall from February to now.
I feel like someone keeps trying to "buddy me up".
I feel like people have been bullying me just to have any interaction with me at all.
I feel like I have explained enough how much I think everything since 2020 was some kind of genocide tactic. Some respond they agree. I am not totally alone in that - but ....
fuck I forgot I was streaming.
I don't feel safe, but what is safe? Someone wanted me to be prepared for anything.
I wanted to feel prepared but not actually have to go through more hell.
If I could just sit out here and write and vape though - especially when they wake me up - and then find somewhere to crumple over for a couple hours during the day....
Not sleeping has fucked my mental health - and I worry they want it that way...
"they" - whoever they are.
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