4:44am ✨️ night shelter

4:44am 

More like 4:52am

Quiet chaos

Got woken up. It was dead silent. Peaceful.

People start making stupid noise.

Plays a song randomly at a distance.

I was worried staff had turned on the music again over this PA thing by the bathrooms.

Maybe I should have pushed more for binaural beats.

Anyway, might have been a cellphone.

I go pee. Someone has pissed on the floor and it made a river all along the edge of the wall.

Told staff. Got the vibe I could go fuck myself.

That's okay, they have to put up with a lot.

Then a lady starts watching something so fucking loud on her headphones I can hear it from my bed with earplugs in.

She didn't turn it down until a few moments later the bed of the girl next to me collapsed.

It looks like someone loosened a screw.

The timing was crazy. 

That lady shut off her sound though.

Now it's 5am.

My body is nauseated. 

Running through my brain: hey you gonna buy a pack of cigarettes today?! When? What about the talent show? Should I leave and come back? You don't lose your spot, you just have to wait in line again. .... oh, wait, but didn't they tell me .... when there was that god awful fire alarm, they said they were at capacity and I'd already gotten services for the day....but you know what, whatever. 

* someone is just saying shut up to someone but there was no one louder than them to say shut up to .... *

Ahhh whatever

Maybe I was just more new before...

....there's a nasty taste in my mouth. 

Feeling incredibly sad. 

There's a lady I've mentioned before because all she seems to do is laugh and fart. Like she isn't all there. She was interacting with someone, just kinda laughing, and the other girl says something like "oh I just love you....there's someone in there right?" And giggle toots just drops their expression completely - looked a bit like my mother with that sad, long face - and clearly they can register  more than it would appear. Their feelings were hurt. 

It's hard when you don't say anything. 

It's hard when no one expects you to, either.

They need to give that cat more fucking litter or something - it keeps cleaning off its paws...

I should really be asleep. Four more hours of sleep. But I get woken up almost every day. I just worry about not getting enough sleep and then having a bad day - pain, emotions, bad interactions - and something fucked happens. I worry this shelter will close and I will have no where better to go. I worry the Trump cult thing will end up with a third term. I worry I could never understand the level of narcissism, greed, and unchecked brat shit that runs through a bunch of people in power. And a bunch of so called "powerless" people. They're just committing their own mini-genocides. Totally underestimated. 

I should go ahead and put the phone in the charging station I guess. 

I talk about genocide and the responses are...well maybe that's the best they can do. I have people say they agree. They think so too. But that's it. Someone made a joke about McDonald's. It feels like having an older sibling who fell for some dumb jokes in the 80s that you'd never fall for in the 21st century - but they think you just don't "get it" or something. This was just hilarious to them or something. Nightmares about secret cults of Germans who were not Nazis but grew to resent being called Nazi so much they went and had another holocaust. 

Like people were just sick of being told they were oppressors who hadn't been through anything so they stomped on all these actually oppressed people. 

Some story that goes like ... here's this guy. Guy had a bad day. Guy wants someone to talk to. Otherwise Guy is fine. Has what he needs, can dream of a future, is allowed to complain and might even be heard. 

Here's another guy. Another guy is being exploited and harassed at school, at work, even in his home. His whole life is being defined by some asshole with bigoted baseless notions about him who sees him as a tool of productivity, not a friend. 

And another third guy is straight up being tortured in a work camp as a slave with no idea of any other future or escape. 

But that first guy is sick of hearing about the third guy when nobody cares about the first guy's shit. 

***

They've got a bunch of ladies, of a similar age, all awake and one said "get out". I really think some of these people know EXACTLY what the fuck people were doing to me the last five years and THEY ARE STILL FINDING WAYS TO FUCK WITH ME. 

UGH THE WORLD FEELS SO DISTORTED.

***

What happened to the idea that no one is in charge? 

They're not. They just act like they are.

***

Almost 6. Wonder how tired I will be today. Should I take a shower? It will be the third day in this dress if I don't. Not sure how the talent show will go. I had three cigarettes left. Kind of want a smoke and coffee first thing and then try to poop. I don't think I'm eating enough to really take a proper shit right now. Then over-smoking because I'm actually hungry. I could pop over to the gas station before the day shelter. 

They said the cigarettes are going up in price again this summer. Something about permits and the cost reflecting back on customers. They can afford the permits, they just want an excuse to raise prices. 

Stupid fucking cruel psychological warfare bullshit - maybe they should have a cut off but if you've been smoking...I mean, marlboro should practically sponsor me. Irony? Dunno. Not feeling my best right this second. Please excuse any time when I am not being much of a genius. 

I think I'm running out of space. Running out of battery. Clunching my jaw in anticipation. Do I need to pee again? I hope there's not piss all over the floor. 

Oh and to set the tone - I am pretty chill. Sleepy. Needed to use handwarmers to sleep last night. But I was warmer than other nights. I am greatful the shelter is here at all. You needed to let me be both greatful and critically record my genuine experience - how obvious no one wanted a younger person's input and expected you to just do what you're told from cradle to grave. 

Not all the older people are in the same cult but clearly to be running things you must be someone older...

How seriously do I think there are people here "in on it"? Probably. Or they have a clue about something. There can be red herrings too.

I'll wait. 

Gonna be colder today I guess...below 60 most of the day.

Gonna put the phone in the charger station - don't let me forget it before I leave.

6:07am