2:16am
This is a bad idea. I should just try to sleep while I can.
But I want to scream through the screen. I have so much I need to fucking say - my hands hurt while I am trying to write this and I don't have anywhere private I can talk out loud.
Someone is snoring loud very near me.
If I charge my phone and make a plan of it, I can spend all day Sunday explaining how I feel. I would normally want to talk now though - let myself flow with words until I was too exhausted to string a sentence together anymore.
I feel pressured to try and sleep now before one of the ... 50? ... people here makes it hard to sleep... yes I notice it seems like the room is silent except the two people directly near me but maybe you just don't hear unless you're right next to somebody.
There's that overwhelming feeling of just not being loved by whoever ended up in charge of the current social order and because of that your life will suck just so they can make a joke of you - they weren't right, they weren't better, they weren't smarter, they had amassed power and thought things should be their way.
I have written a lot of things. I need the chance to just free flow whatever comes out and also mean what I write or say - don't let it get twisted.
.... a worry about religious extremists fucking with me
.... a worry about nihilists in some cult fucking with me
.... a worry about some asshole who just wanted me to stop writing or something - who wants to take all my worries and make them worse instead of better - to make you think you just shouldn't explain your worries at all
.... a sudden image of how I grew up...wondering if they had taken the model of the student homes and made them "unhoused houses" ... how that would be both better than the "one big room" and worse than letting people have private apartments
I want to know the truth about my own life. How much did anyone know what they were going to do to me? What would happen to me? What happened to everybody else? How much of this was some military experiment? How much of it is some kind of cult - but not of the world's smartest professionals (by whose standards?) - just a bunch of people who happened to be friends and whatever their agenda was...
What life am I going to live? Am I being placed? By who? Why? Will I be further displaced? Why do I suddenly feel I need to beg for a life I want to live and to stop being used for whatever...
There's someone who works at the grocery store. I see them almost every day. They are usually cleaning. I wonder if they feel a sense of community ... like they are growing up here and I am just some outsider to them. If almost every job I've had - was I seen as an outsider? Someone who swooped in and was expected to swoop out. My entire concept of a city is different. Maybe my entire concept was always just a child's point of view.
I feel tearful. Remembering a van playing music driving down the otherwise quiet street earlier Saturday. How hard it is for me to find the harmony between the calm chirping birds and that aliveness and friendship and love that is wrapped in the songs. How the ghosts of friends are in the cigarette smoke and at the same time part of me thinks I need to quit again...
A) can't afford it, only money I get right now is from donations/help
B) I was way more secure and things were "going slower" ... my sister had unexpectedly sent me a little money out of the blue and this felt like everything evaporated
...would I have gotten more help if they weren't sending me anything? Does it make it look like I don't need help as much as I do? I shouldn't have to factor that into the thought process...
How do I explain the way it feels I am getting emotional .... interference .... and it's making it hard to think to write this. Like I am surrounded by all these people and all their fucking feelings are just in the air and I can't even hear myself think. Just feeling the atmosphere of 50 people collected, sleeping, in a giant room.
Do I think some people have been here fucking with me/the shelter or it's even some tactic that ends up being abusive ... like let's say they had something bad happen and they go have someone stay at all the shelters who says some warped shit at 5am meant to trigger whoever the fuck did whatever....but no one there did shit and you're fucking with the experience of my day and life.
How much of your life should ever be full of people being mean? Not just angry and frustrated and human but just fucking mean?
Story of your life got kinda warped. Who was writing it? Are they still alive? Is life going to drain out or will I have ... another chapter ... a family of my own? A partner and maybe a kid? Someone could love me but would they love me like - for the rest of our lives? Would they want kids? What if I can't even have kids? Is someone really stopping me from ever having real love? They wanted to make my life a tragic warning story - for religious purposes? Or someone is only fucking with you because you say this stuff - because you explain it. And the more you explain it the more you're stuck with the same one asshole who is trying to just make a joke out of you.... this is all vague and not a finished thought process. I am just trying to exist and exist better than I was.
An old friend comes to mind. Sometimes I worry they died and the years since have been a trick. Imagine when we are all 70, what will feel like tricks. I don't want bill gates to be a bad person and I don't want to lose that kind of father figure of intellect of understanding - seems like 100 years ago anyone was even talking about it.
Whatever is happening to me must be so predictable. If you are forced into a state of loneliness your brain has to compensate for it. So I ended up with a bunch of theories to explain things I could not know - typical human, at least I'm aware of it.
It's 3:10am. A lot has happened. Something in me screams hey bitch what about black lives matter?! What happened to all the protesters?!"
Everyone around you has only been here a couple years they said, sometimes a couple months. Not a single person has mentioned being part of the protests or having any investment in them in any way. I do see a range of diversity both in the shelters and outside. At least on a surface level.
I am starting to feel nauseous. There's too much that could just wake you up tonight if you weren't dead asleep. I can't relax. At all. On a deep physical level. I need to relax. Even the sound of the water running from the bathrooms...a crash of something from somewhere else...people having bad dreams....phones going off....everyone farts but farts loud enough to wake you. It's not a complaint against the shelter or human beings - this is a nice, peaceful night mostly compared to how it could be - I am just irritated and awake and having trouble even writing this thing that will go with the hundreds of other posts...the feeling that you thought maybe someone out there was going to care if they didn't already but maybe there was never anyone "out there" ... the way everyone needs "care" but different kinds. The image of titanic sinking and people trying to hold onto each other not to drown and they both die.
I need someone I can trust.
I want to lay down to write but it's going to make my arm go numb.
Feels like I am crying out for help...but from who? I need a minute to collect myself. And someone starts moaning weird. I just want to be alone to think right now and I miss my apartment. Deeper, I miss having someone I love with me and I could have just hugged them closer right now...
3:26am
3:38am
Someone is yelling out for help and sound like they're in pain. Staff is not coming over to check. They aren't getting up to ask or calling out for staff. It's not a hospital or the health center, it's just an overnight shelter.
I can't help them. I also resent feeling trained and man wouldn't it be awesome if I was useful maybe someone would have "given me opportunities" if they could use me for something they couldn't or didn't want to do.
I feel threatened kinda constantly but that's actually scary - they did all this shit to me to try and get some use out of me. Or to make you wonder who will ever be there for you in the night when you're in pain. I have been alone and in pain - I would have rather had someone who loved me. Like a partner, like my person.
I see how many people are lonely - need nurses - but they are not my partner person. It's emotional manipulation to create an expendable workforce for the benefit of people who - honestly would they have ever given a shit about you either? "Answering the call to serve"... the air is starting to smell stale and farty.
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