Sooooo.....it's 4.20! Whoo hoo.
I got woken up by someone - sounded like they were playing music off their phone - at like 4:30 in the morning. Then a minute ago someone left, I think by ambulance, but they just walked out (there were red flashing lights outside).
I remember having friends in Portland who woke up at 4am to celebrate - just passed around a joint and laughed for a bit. So wholesome.
There's no activity here. Funny how there is always SOMETHING waking me up - familiar pattern from back at the apartment. "They" - the cult that has nothing better to do - "they" have so many "super cool" ways to just fuck with a person.
I do not care that some dumb fuck out there doesn't like cannabis. I don't like you, asshole! Get the fuck out of my life.
Fuck you and your sad excuse for a life where you spent a huge chunk of your personal time being a wretched monster on purpose.
This happened constantly at my apartment. Like someone wants to make jokes about pot and then torture you with them. They're fucking brain dead. Here, you live in the 21st century and a state where pot was legal, we are gonna try and make you regret your educated and conscientious choice to use cannabis even though you would never want to live our lives!
That's why I am upset I guess. It wasn't celebratory, it wasn't people having fun and I just wasn't included - these psychos are trying to annoy you about weed. Wake you up at 4:20am because they fucking hate weed. That's what is fucking stupid.
This is usually my really "busy" day. The anxiety I am having over when to leave to wait in line at the day shelter is ridiculous. They had the entire line starting with the person behind me move ahead the other day saying everyone else was there too early. I must have shown up at 6:59am if I was there too early. I even had camera footage on accident because I was doing a stream earlier that shut off but the camera was still on. Wasn't even getting audio. Anyway, I just don't want that to happen again. It did completely feel like everyone else here has been connected for years and they just wanted to fuck with me - see what I'd do. Maybe hope I have a breakdown because everyone is bored or something. Maybe they get treats if they make me have a panic attack - that's what it felt like was happening at the apartment. Maybe just make you look like an idiot who would think anything is ever "about you".
We didn't learn science. We learned how to be assholes to each other instead.
And I say that as someone truly greatful! I like the places I'm staying. They're the best. Better than what could have been, for sure. The day and night shelter, the library, the grocery stores, the little places I can sit - the staff that help keep things nice - the staff who will leave you alone to do your own thing. I have started just fulling falling asleep in public. I am too fucking tired and I am so sick of everybody's bullshit.
So who am I mad at? Who are the fuckers deliberately harassing me vs. who are the people who seem to be so cool and so helpful? Can't pinpoint a single person and say they were fucking with you right? They might just be a victim too, they might not have a clue what they're doing, they might be used, they might be trying to help in a backwards way.... Besides my neighbor from the apartment building. That was the only for sure person. Banging on my walls. Lying about it. Following me out of my unit and blocking my path. Bullrushing my door. Potentially gassing my unit or knows who did it. Acting like terrorists. You couldn't even misinterpret what they were doing as nice in any universe.
But people outside of that situation have been nice and then not and then nice again - and frankly I need interactions to be decent or so help me...it's just some random unknown person playing music in a 70 person shelter at 4:30am. Are they staff? Friends with staff? New? A regular? One of these planted actors? Or it was a genuine accident? Everything becomes vague.
5:33am
Lay for 30 minutes.
6am they will turn on the lights.
I sneezed - some bored person threw tissues across the room or something - I am not your sibling or your kid lady, jesus christ, leave me alone.
I am also the last person someone should be taking their bullshit out on - if you're mad, it ain't at me, leave me alone.
I want coffee and breakfast.
Then a cigarette.
Then a poop.
But I only have one cigarette left.
And it never works out in that order.
You can get some coffee, but not food.
Smoke a cig but need to rush and then maybe the bathrooms are locked already so you go to the day shelter and wait in line for an hour ... then poop.
I end up constipated.
Cool now someone is running their mouth... they do this around the same goddamn time almost every morning...it makes it feel like some of the people see themselves as shepherds and the rest of the people here are just sheep for them to play with. Their idea of "waking people up". They said all sorts of horrendous shit at the other shelter - practically couldn't sleep at all. Then they used to have a lady here who would scream "whore" first thing in the morning. She did that for like a month and then evaporated. A few different "regulars" have already come and gone. Then there was a lady talking about burning people's houses down. A girl who would laugh without context, fart as loud as she could, and then masturbate openly with the lights on (was not asleep). Other people with the waking up yelling at no one calling people a bitch thing. Yesterday it was "you're lucky to have a bed to sleep in". This is obvious psychological manipulative warfare shit. Have you atart your day with a bad memo.
Are they seriously trying to eat tuna right now? They fucked with nail polish and popcorn yesterday. It is normally so ventilated you can't smell if someone farts. People think if they ruin something for other people it will make it more "theirs".
Oh and don't forget the "jobs" program where they just have people who don't know you at all or your job history sit around and talk about getting a job like it's going to change anything that just happened to you. They are put up to it - it's just to keep the vibes shitty. Act like somehow you're the one who needed to get off your ass. Fuck that.
I can and would just keep living regardless of what happens. Some things are just inconvenient. But what the fuck - everyone had better things to do than whatever the fuck this forced homelessness cult bullshit is.
How many people have nothing to do with any cult shit and why can't we be friends?
Can't even think - all I smell is fucking tuna. At least it's not cat piss I guess.
I am a little sad I will be alone for 4.20 even when "they" forced me outside. Someone needs to realize it's not just happenstance that I moved to Portland and eneded up with no secular or pothead or even activist/artivist friends. I should have my own cult of secular pothead universal human rights friends by now. I will get over it though. I always get over it - if getting over it means numbing out and remembering 100 years from now. Whatever. Would rather be alone than fucking around with anyone who might have fucked intentions about me anyway. Nicer to not even have to worry about it.
This feels like a shitty way to start my day today - hopefully the air will clear and everything will be a bit better in a couple hours.
6:10am
Someone has a phone alarm going off since 6am.
Let me make this super clear: I HAVE FUCKING EARPLUGS IN. LOOK AT MY FACE. YOU SEEY EXPRESSION? FUCKING. EARPLUGS. DUDE.
So if I hear your shit, you should quit.
This whole stupid blog post is going to sound like screaming when it's really sleepy grumpy rambling. I will try to add the video version too.
Yeah I can stretch.
Do I wish I had 4.20 friends? Yeah no shit. I am looking at what is right now an empty day alone. It might rain. I don't have money for more cigarettes. It was a giant fight just to get that last pack. No one is going to listen to my needs - they're too busy with their agendas. Their scams. Their duplicitous plans. Schemes. Bullshit. Forced political passion play legacy garbage.
They weren't "uncovering" truth, they were manufacturing it - which will always be fake, always be flawed, always be a version that does not tell the whole full story - so it can never be truth.
I need to charge my phone - this seems to have drained the battery too.
Too bad I think I have one more day left on my period. Not a fan of the smell.
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