3:15am
night shelter
phone has 13% battery left
Maybe an hour ago, I woke up and a few minutes later the phone died. People have been coughing and it hits the walls and triggers my sensory issues - whether it really is that bad or just sounds like it to me.
I want to keep track of how I ended up smoking again. I quit for five solid years. There was a lady who I spent a little time getting to know - somewhere in there I bought a pack of cigarettes. I don't think I have gotten a single pack so far that wasn't shared with someone else. So when I say I smoked a pack I mean it just got finished one way or another.
Not sure when exactly I started but I know it was a Friday. It must have been the 4th.
Then the lady disappeared - after a pretty awkward drive to the woods where they wanted to catch up on their bible study while we sat in the car and then to the supermarket where the staff made her show her recipet and accussed her of not paying and she said she would file a complaint. I haven't seen her around for a while now but she did have a car and other friends to crash with so I think she's probably okay.
Recently I started hanging out with a trio. Two are siblings from another state who ran into some bigots and one has been unhoused on and off in Portland pretty much her whole life. That girl has ended up smoking half of every pack I've bought. She offered to share, even offered to buy my brand, whenever she has some money. I think she's fun and looks exactly like she must be the cousin of a friend from high school. It's been tripping. It has been nice to feel like I am connecting with people more into videogames and alternative religions and pop culture that was made for our generation. But at the same time it feels a little like I need to supply the cigarettes for us to talk for so long - and I'm not sure anything I say really gets a point across or if they're just hanging out to be nice and have friends. I need to talk to - like - Obama - the way I have been talking to this new friend - I want to know what he genuinely thinks about all these dots I've connected. Only someone like him could ever really know enough to tell me even a partial truth anyway. To give a fully informed response.
We have almost no power over this world and we try to feel better with simple shit.
The other two in the trio don't smoke. All three don't drink which is awesome for me because I don't even want to have to worry about it. I still haven't drank at all since 2020 and I don't see that changing unless I get A) more depressed, B) more money, and C) end up feeling desperate to feel like a mature social regular person or something. I never think about drinking - I just miss having friends and the social atmosphere, alive with potential, that would surround me in Old Town. Minus the psych ops and torture techniques of course.
I'm gonna put this to the side for a minute. I feel sleepy and nauseous.
6:39am
Everyone's noises are making me sick.
Didn't want to wake up yet.
My hands are numb.
I need to pee.
I need coffee and a moment to try to poop.
Apparently there's a cat on the loose.
That's kind of sweet at least.
I should charge my phone in the station. It has been connected to a power bank the whole time and only has 20% battery.
Now a dog's losing its shit.
I think they do this on purpose in the mornings to "get people going" but whatever.
Maybe I just want to be alone today.
I need to bring the cigarettes down to like two a day. I am gonna feel out of sorts. I can't keep sharing so much. Every cig I smoked, someone else smoked one too. So I've really only had half a pack per pack - I guess that's good.
It's gonna be easier to taper off alone.
And how unserious is this? I don't do hard drugs - this is just about cigarettes and the energies you get from other people.
My leg is going numb and is sore from the hip bone. I haven't gotten my period yet this month. Last month I think it only lasted two days or something.
So glad I had headphones and a battery and internet and the phone.... the binaural beats really helped me. I need new ANC headphones though.
I need anyone out to fuck with me to hop off too .... if anyone needs to hear that.
I guess I have cycled now through a couple little friend groups. Maybe that's how it will always be? You meet new people, hang out a couple weeks, talk, then something gets dispersed for whatever reason and you're alone for a bit and then you do it again.
When I have my alone time, I feel more like myself. I feel more like an adult. I guess I feel stronger. But also more lonely, more devastated, and sometimes more "hopeless" in the sense that having anyone to talk to is a chance someone would understand everything even better than I do and maybe I can get real answers to what the fuck has been going on...
I told the new friend this has to be the last cig I give her until I can be more generous and I worry we will not talk as much or there won't be fuel to keep conversations and good feelings going .... how many times this has played out in my life when I think about it.
It's not like we have done something wrong or are bad friends- we just can't afford what it takes to keep our chemistry up.
I was also sick for about 10 days/2 weeks. I remember sitting outside letting the rain pour on me because I didn't want to be coughing and aching in the library - I was sick outside trying to find a way to sleep.
The compression on my body still happens and my limbs will go numb or burn, or both, with nerve damage. Everything is slowly adjusting and seems to be getting stronger. I just realized how much someone should have been in my life to get me connected to a good doctor and document every aspect of my situation. Sick of being told to do it myself like it's an experiment in making people be independent, then have it thrown in my face that I am isolated, alone, and have no one who would save me.
Also, on that note, as always fuck cults.
My wrist is starting to go numb just from the position I'm in writing this.
I should try to go back to sleep. They will turn the lights on at 6am. You don't have to leave until 8.
The first place I stayed they had us wake up at 5 and be out by 6 - sometimes into the rain and nothing is open.
There is a day shelter nearby. Often people sleep here and go right there in the morning for food and showers and laundry and resources. Then the library opens. One of the grocery stores has a microwave and hot water. There are a few different spots with some kind of greenery and benches that are nice.
I am still in some kind of shock. I am still in a state of healing. I am still waiting for a chance to get disability assistance. I am angry when I get worried about people fucking me over. I just don't want that to happen.
I wouldn't have fucked them over.
I don't fuck around. I shouldn't have to find out.
✨️
You have no idea how much more important the shit I had to say was earlier. But I can't access that whole thought process - jump back into it - right now.
I am hungry but want to wait and eat the salad I bought for dinner for breakfast. I need a hot water maker so I can just have some fucking tea in the morning - slowly, with a cigarette - push everything through my system - so I can poop.
They have coffee but it would be better if I could just make my own shit all day no matter where I went.
Not to be gross, but I have to do so much just to manage bathroom issues
Again, frustrated I am talking at length about cigarettes and pooping and not about the movements of global politics that I thought I was puzzling together into some kind of truth.
It's all part of it. All interconnected. Highs and lows. Yeah, I know.
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