8:15am
Day Shelter
I have until 9am to just sit here and wait for my shower.
After the shower I'll do laundry.
After the laundry I might go to my storage unit.
I should walk around that area. See what's close.
Thoughts going through my head that I'm not writing down.
....telling myself to relax - and how much it used to feel dismissive coming from someone else.
....the feeling I had people set up waiting for me when I became unhoused and I don't know who people are or what they're part of...
....you can make groups out of all sorts of combinations of people - maybe it's a circle of christians who have some atheist friends and that's why I'm confused I don't know
....Someone has to know I'm in this situation right? Someone who worked for Milton Hershey. Or my college. Or the state of Massachusetts - the mental health division, the poverty division, the foster care unit, primary education? Not that those are actual categories...but something like that?
....just how alone are you? (the constant joke between me and the religious)
A lady was singing something kinda vague and christian this morning about being "restored" - I wanted to blast "God's Dick" by Laura Jane Grace so fucking bad. But it would just be too - mean? What about MY personality, or MY sense of spirituality, or letting MY light shine through? Feels selfish. Don't fuck up the lady's vibe - I didn't have headphones though. I seem to have misplaced the micro b cords that I need to charge these headphones.
If you could rewind to the start of March and if I had gotten those fucking headphones I bought but never arrived - would everything be different right now if I'd just had the headphones a month ago? Someone else pulled out a little speaker - it made such a big difference. How expensive could they be? But I have no money. I won't say I regret buying those cigarettes because it was good to see how they made me feel - but it was an expense and I could have used the money for headphones or an electric kettle or ...
Part of me says "Laura, you needed to go to the doctor. A real full doctor - a primary care provider who is supposed to be assigned to you and would do a full body exam or something. Now you've been out for two months and it might be more confusing. I could document trying to find a pcp - I don't know why it seems hard and frustrating and like I had asked for help before but the ball got dropped and nothing made sense when I couldn't leave my apartment. What is someone going to stay to me? Will they say that I should have just left - they will discount my experience and not understand what I was experiencing almost every single day? Again, how do I know this wasn't on purpose - that this wasn't a holocaust of its own - how do I prove it if it was a holocaust?
The insidious way it gets twisted around into some idea of reverse psychology - of false flags and proxy war tactics and ....
Having a hard time concentrating.
Why are you even still here to complain if this was a holocaust? Why are any of these people still here? It doesn't seem like staff did this to them - the staff would have been swirled in with the chaos too. I want to say "stupid fucking left behind books" though I never read them - I watched the one part of the movie on Hasan's stream. The comment someone made to me about "the difference between me and them is they leave and I get left behind" - am I left behind? Are we all left behind? What does that even mean - is it just a way to force a group of people to "link up" which is actually just a way to force a non-religious community to be wrapped up with a religious one from my point of view. It could be explained as more intersectional probably. I don't know. Something hurts deep in my lower stomach and I haven't had coffee and my senses are filling with the sound of other people talking - next to me, behind me - it was otherwise a really quiet morning. How do they pay the staff here? Should I expect this place to always be here? What if everyone gets old and dies or moves away or they give up on it or it loses its lease? Someone could hand you a home for free and you'd be scared of the same shit - what if.... how long with this last?
I want to be someone that someone I love would fall in love with - I've become preoccupied with thinking that if I had just found someone who wanted me sooner, I would be with them. Maybe we would be homeless together. Maybe it would ruin everything and we would become bitter and cruel to each other. Maybe we would survive together. I already said my life felt like someone was deliberately picking who would be in it - are they trying to play match maker or are they never going to let me really fall in love or I'm not allowed to fall in love with anyone they don't want me to match with or... whatever the fuck is going on. True, and what if NOTHING is going on. Account for all possibilities.
Feels like I said a lot and nothing at all.
Spinning a hamster wheel to nowhere.
My headband looks very Twilight Zone - that's cool.
Some thought processes are just toxic and I don't want to pick myself apart - I like me. I need to find someone else who likes me too. Who I like as well. Who is never going to give up on us or just go with someone else and isn't religious. I sound like I did since high school - nothing very deep or evolved about who I imagine I could be with - how that would ever work - what kind of family we could ever have - what kind of life - what I contribute - what they contribute - how long it would ever be expected to last - if you would ever find a human being that wants to spend their last moments with your ass, and you want them with you, too.
8:47am
I need to shower soon - the vibes at the day shelter are pretty cool and quiet - like the dynamic shifted. There was a lot more fighting, almost like people were acting more tough, back in February and March. There's 1000% less coughing in the shelter at night. I have mixed feeling about what happened with the girl who was sleeping in the bed next to me the past few days. One hand, feels bad - don't know where she went - don't know how much she can take care of herself - a deep sense of empathy. Then again, it felt like they put her there deliberately and she was possibly playing up what she was doing - and it's even more obvious now that it's so quiet there without her. If she was there last night, she had changed her behavior completely. I looked around and saw about 20 open beds last night and didn't see her though. I would think the shelter would be used even less in the summer when people would rather be outside with their friends laughing into the early morning.
Lady who was singing this morning said people sleep outside to wait to get in here during the summer - that makes more sense. Maybe that's when I will really need to get a gym membership. I feel dependent on my sister to continue existing and it's upsetting to wonder if that was by design. For me to "need" her and the people who have been messing with my life get me to move... I should have been at home in Portland. I feel the same old speech coming on - I have already said this before. But I this should have been my home. Who the fuck do I need to yell at or ask - who is playing the wizard of oz in this bullshit? Why doesn't anyone think this was a horrible idea? My brain says "it's not over yet - you don't know the plan" and yeah you're right I DO NOT KNOW THE PLAN and I have no way to know if people carrying out any kind of plan have good intentions or if I would stand by anything they think. It's easy to just say "there is no plan" and end up gaslighting myself as if nothing odd has been happening to me or the world I see - as if "there is nothing to see here" ....
I want to cry out to everyone "would you please just admit it - tell everyone what you did to me - tell everyone what the fuck has been going on!" ....
I gotta take my shower...
I plan on coming back online in about 30 minutes
12:31pm
Library
Got a shower, did my laundry, sorted out my cart (pluto though it squeeks like a fucker now)
Walked to the library
Just remembered I have a snack bag yay
Something smells like...burning? But faint and hard to pinpoint and it just keeps coming and going...
Let's go through the snack bag!
Granola bar
Goldfish
There are a couple flavors I will fuck with but mostly I hate Capri Sun. Love the name, but the juice is fake. It's such a big item that it feels like something cool - like pumpkin bread - which was delicious - but then you end up with fake juice with 8 to 11 grams of sugar.
Oranges that would go good in ramen with spices (but I'm probs gonna eat it now)
and a granola bar
I like these - they have a strong marshmallow element
I have $7.16 per day for food until April 30
and a whole ass potato in my bag
I can get sour cream, microwave it.
Make iced coffee.
It's 12:46pm - on a Monday. I'm "free" until 8 or 9pm.
What is this kind of freedom?
In my apartment I could lay down in my hammock, or sit up in my hammock. There were chairs but that was more comfortable.
..... side note.... everyone is dressed like a teenager today. It's cool and weird. But like everywhere I see people visibly older wearing like...it's back to the future or something.....but in the 90s. Like if that movie was set more 90s than 80s. So like, darker colors or more jerseys - backwards baseball caps - cool socks - it's fun. Like 5 people so far.
I had something else I wanted to say but I spaced. Haven't really eaten that much today.
I'm trying to charge my devices and shit - 27% battery on the phone.
Gotta admit, I like the big blue chairs better. This is killing my back.
Wanna see the ceiling?
It's harder for me when I'm not talking out loud.
Listen to Hasan for a minute - it's just super nice outside.
I do have less cravings to smoke in here than if I was outside - I quit for 5 years, bought 4 packs, and am quitting again mostly because I can't afford it. If I have any extra money, I need medicine. I don't have super bad cravings now and I took a shower and washed all my clothes - maybe I could figure out how to just smoke on the weekends or something.....mmm, probably is something I personally need to just pick yes or no and when I pick yes I know myself and I will smoke when I fucking want to and that's it. Or just stop. I could see the smoking on the weekends working out until I find a person and then if they smoke too we are going to smoke together all the time. And if they don't smoke at all, we won't smoke at all I guess. Unless I already got so reliant on cigarettes I smoke even if he doesn't - but I think I'd rather he smoked too if I smoked.
Wow, not dwelling on his political understandings or what mistakes I could potentially have to forgive or what he wants to do on a moment to moment, day to day, lifetime basis ... nope, just gotta worry about his smoking patterns (just kidding).
Video about Socialism was pretty good.
1:11pm
- Find a place and sleep outside
- make iced coffee
- just chill in here for a minute you have like a hernia thing in your stomach and your ankles are fucked up - just fucking chill, Laura
- A movie that would have shown religious people how it feels to be an atheist
- they put you through your own personal holocaust why not "a movie" about that
-
-
-
1:46pm
missed the speech today - watching Hasan
I could do anything that doesn't cost money or require me to be super physical
2:18pm
Must be getting hot outside because it's getting kinda cold in here
2:46pm
I want to just watch him outside
I am fighting a sudden urge to smoke - I don't want to buy another pack - could possibly go to that event on April 22nd - not sure ...
- you can't stay out late
- wanna meet someone else who likes him, possible friends
- how will you know they like it for the same reasons?
- going there with people from MP5. One of them is dead. No clue how the other two are. I loved those people. Was there even a clue in any of our minds that one of us would be dead, one would be unhoused, and who knows where or how the other two are?
You know - I've been very tearful ... FEELINGS UNLOCKED
If someone showed up right now and asked "do you want to go back to the night you and your friends went to see Chuck Palahniuk at the Bagdad and live everything over again - with the chance to make new choices".... but will all the same shit happen even with new choices? What new choices would you make? Will you never know a world with Hasan Piker? Will you never know a world with Donald Trump? Would you tell everyone what's about to happen and then they think you're psychic and....oh my god stop.
I could see myself waking up on the way to the Bagdad - pretty sure we took the bus or the max, unless a friend drove - and being so fucking glad I can navigate every single day the comes next so differently and know what's going to matter and what's not and maybe I'd even save my relationship or at least friendships ... it probably means I would have never moved though and so I wouldn't have had other chapters of my life at all. That's where I got hesitant. You just can't cut yourself into parts and say who you could have ever been if some variable had been different.
Talking about war in Iran
Aren't you listening? Yes. I listen. I wait. Another thing happens. I feel relatively powerless.
It's 3pm. I feel a sense of fear that is like TV static in my bones. Just anxiety.
I haven't listened to Hasan for like two weeks, I haven't done these streams for like two weeks.
The day moves funny - I haven't gotten a grip on anything.
I am constantly tired and then I think of things to do and have to put it off - put it off - put it off...
like uploading all the streams to the way back machine - but it's 3:01pm and I ...
oh, sorry is this boring?
yeah, it's boring because it isn't all about you
whoever you are
if I have been waxing poetic about you for years
would I have had any sense of love?
of protection?
of freedom?
of a future?
was that all dependent on how well I kissed your ass?
Even now I am not even memories for you? How is that possible?
Do you miss me at all? Honestly?
We have no idea if some people went and made up everything we thought we knew was going on with wars around the world since the 40s...no real clue, and no real way to find out if we can't know the source is legit.
Sounds like 2020 again.
- I need food
- I need medicine
- I need sleep
- I need love - physical, romantic, I'm the one here for you kind of love
....what if you're there for someone but can't do anything for them?
....just don't leave
- I need to know what the fuck is going on (I need good information)
- I found a place to sleep - to be out of the rain - to have a bathroom - usually a bag of some kind of food
- I found a place to shower - to do a load of laundry once a week - bathroom - food (salad)
- I found a place with hot water and a microwave, a bathroom, and I usually buy something but I don't think you have to buy something to use the bathroom
- found another bathroom where you do have to buy something
- a place with internet, out of the rain / elements, a bathroom, and they gave me shoes and headphones
- what happens if any of this stuff closes?
I am just getting older
staying untouched
is my body going to get better?
are people planning on pairing me off with someone?
even if - ideal scenario - I loved them - what the fuck?!
just a sad concept
Will I be someone I want to be - someone who helped advance humanity for the better somehow?
Aren't I already who I want to be?
But will I be known that way - or will I only think so myself - and never have the love I want...?
My body is uncomfortable. I can't sit still long enough to be intellectually impressive today.
I am fighting the desire to smoke that stupid cigarette.
Just go for a walk. Come back. Get some coffee. Library closes at 6pm. Then you have two hours, or three depending on how you wanna swing it.
8 9 10 11 12 - sleep zone
1 2 3 4 - sometimes sleep sometimes chaos
5 6 - trying to get more sleep in before wake up
7ish - last call for wake up
7:35 - last call to poop before they close the bathrooms at 7:45am
8 - be out
- go to the day shelter, wait about an hour until they open at 8am
- oh no, did you get some coffee and you need to poop now? go to a grocery store
- is the library open?
- stay within range to poop, stay within range of charging your phone or laptop or internet connect etc
Thoughts of friends - how much nicer life is with people to check in with and tell good news to and share fun things and feel possible together
She has a spooky girl shirt!
...but also how people tend to let you down as human beings and you end up in some petty shit where you are trapped and sometimes people aren't even really doing anything but petty shit and you are exhausted and they don't even listen to anything you say anyway
Oh man how nice it would have been to have a memory of going to a library with a grandparent and they show me around and tell me who everybody is and get you all interested in books - a guy and his grandson just walked by... just really wholesome
someone walked in with pink shorts
nice
EVERY WAR EVER "THIS WAR IS STUPID. WE SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THIS."
You know I haven't left yet because I feel like I'm hanging up on Hasan and I know what he talks about is important enough to keep in mind - walking around paying attention to only the rain or sun or whether I'm in pain or sad today is not going to end well... not what I want or want to be.
Everywhere my whole life there have been people who don't pay attention to the news and spout off about feeling better for just not watching. I have no idea how to have a conversation when they haven't been on the same page hearing similar things - if they agree with what they hear or not.
I'm sorry to say this again - but I need a hug. A hug from someone like Hasan. A really long hug that lasts for hours, forever, and they just love me and I can hold onto them like a lifesaver while lost at sea.
I'm sure there are plenty of people who would give me a hug if I asked - but I don't want that hug. That's not what I need. Makes it kinda awkward even. Like, no offense, I just want a hug that feels like a superhero holding you away from the void and they would never let you fall in.
Makes you wonder what it would ever take for him to genuinely have loved you if he met you.
Maybe talking about it less and finding a way to show solidarity for oppressed people and creating programs that might save lives ... being someone you think someone like him would respect and want and love (it doesn't really work like that but you know....)
Oh my god, you don't have to be mean to people to be right that they're wrong about shit
How much harder it is to reach communities of religious people as an atheist when you sound like a jerk, even if you're right. How much harder it is to reach anyone if you're a jerk. Being fake nice isn't exactly helpful either of course. What a flaky explanation - I just don't like being an asshole and if I ever am you must've fucked up.
Do you think I'm insulting to Christians? Maybe sometimes. But why can't I express how my life was completely hijacked by something I don't subscribe to?
I am getting nauseous now. I need to eat. I need to pee.
I need to pack up my stuff even if it's just to come back.
I needed a hug for a long time - a hug like that - a lover's hug.
I would just curl up and sleep in my room. Pretend someone was holding me.
But I can't curl up. It's hard to find a place to sleep and you wake up every few minutes checking to see who or what is around you. Bent over forward like you do when you can't lay down. How many goddamn people have been tagged as "being on drugs" and they were literally tired and just sleeping? Fuck you for thinking it's awesome to stop making people get any sleep. How obvious is it Laura? How obvious that this world is run like a futuristic plantation, a factory, and someone decided you "didn't want to work" at some point? WHEN?! I was an overachiever kid. I was a 4.0 visionary award bitch. I did my chores. I gave a fuck - when I shouldn't have and would have had better mental health. I have been working since I was 15. I got paychecks. I paid my rent. I did well in school. I did everything I was supposed to do and I did it well.
Everyone was more than right about how evil capitalism is if this really is how they dealt with everyone bitching about capitalism - they sent them to and through hell and used them as examples for their kids who would never know the whole story.
That incentive to be ... sorry, got distracted by how awful ... he made a bad joke and it was taken serious
There is a core to Hasan that is what he genuinely believes and then he spins around it making jokes and if it got some people to pay attention, I see where it helps - would I say a lot of shit he said as a joke? No.
4:04pm
Goddamnit I don't want to leave I just want to go pee.
I need a real IQ test.
Like 10 questions and depending on how they answer you really know where they stand, where they are coming from, and how much you should trust them with what... if they can even respond, remember anything, actually care about anything, are going to choose the dumbest possible option or the most unique option or just goes with whatever the people in his life think...
I know baby. I know you don't think it's okay to drive drunk and wouldn't recommend it - he's a teacher daddy of the generation. I like that about him. Also feels like I got tuned into this guy's personal dimension where the biggest joke he ever makes is that you don't know him enough.
I should spend more time actually going through the books in here
is my body ever going to not feel fucked up somehow?
Don't I spend enough time thinking about "yesterday"?
Whole life getting wasted on certain jokes - not all jokes.
Some jokes were pretty good. The cosmic joke helps a lot.
The cosmic joke - we just didn't know how to do what we wanted
to live the lives we wanted
Sometimes hand holding helps - sometimes there wasn't something better to do than to hold someone's hand and explain shit to them no one else did
I need a master list -
ALL YOU HAVE IS TIME
AND YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH
BEST WAYS TO SPEND YOUR TIME
4:20 glitch it
A reboot. It got weird.
Again - just gotta speak up - don't think we should have made the emphasis "fuck Israel" as much as "fuck genocide" though I appreciate you can critique a country without demonizing its people. You can also put a stigma on people that lasts decades and new babies born in 20 years could face discrimination because of shit people did that they never knew
Oh right, you were supposed to help me
Love me
Support my rights
My country
My country was supposed to protect me
My country was supposed to help me cradle to grave
My country was supposed to have all the best advances and teachers and doctors and .......
My state, my town, my school, my clubs...my home....
Don't cancel Hasan....and does anyone out there feel like "being cancelled" isn't even really a thing anymore either?
People have been called war criminals, charges have been brought, and they are still killing everyone as far as I'm being told
Supposed to fight them. Sure. Probably be a five minute conversation though, wouldn't it?
Let me think about it.
How bad I'd love to debate Hasan and we both shake hands at the end like we agree about what's most important no hard feelings with some sense of mutual respect
not just...a fight.
boxing for brains
...Someone wanted me to hate him, didn't they?
Man, they didn't know me.
Must have thought I was some stereotype of a feminist or I had anything to do with Israel or I wouldn't need him .... he's one of the smartest people I have ever been exposed to - talking for hours - all this kind of esoteric information about politics delivered in a fun way... You imagine a writer's room and they all yawn over a script for the political timeline that they find boring and were just trying to "spice it up".
DO NOT TRUST POLLS UNTIL THEY TELL YOU HOW MANY PEOPLE THEY ASKED
vote for who represents your values the best - oh you know - just figure out what YOU think and let us know and the new world order will get back to you when you end up evicted or something
Don't forget - I'm a scifi poet. Who are you?
4:55pm
I don't want to go but I need to.
If anyone watches anything I have ever posted online, I hope it helps.
Until tomorrow....or whenever...or .... if you're out there and you care about me please email me or something:
laura.gamari@gmail.com
✨
I don't want "what the hell is wrong with you guys" to be the last word
....4:57pm
...... this whole thing has been such a circus and EXCUSE ME for not being important enough to be TOLD THE TRUTH by whoever the fuck is in charge on this planet
fuck - we are watching a documentary?! NO! I need to pee. Fuck.
Fine, I will risk it and leave it on the table.
Cuba documentary 5:08pm
Want to articulate the sincere terror of being "outside the language" - whatever the language is. Imagine trying to learn to be a doctor anywhere and everything is just in another language and you have to work with old stuff... what the fuck is this planet? How aren't we spending time just making the standard of medicine the same everywhere?
Why aren't I surrounded by intellectuals who can talk to me all the time about what the fuck is going on in the world. I need help.
What does this mean when you're homeless?
Wonder who is getting all the revenue from cobalt and nickle for example...
SORRY CONFUSED - can this guy please explain how Cuba is socialist and how capitalism does and doesn't inevitably play into this - I'm confused. You want the revenue for nickle. Explain it to me through that....
5:49pm
Email to someone:
Stuff isn't working so .... until tomorrow
https://www.twitch.tv/hasanabi
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