11/20/2020: Running [II]

We wanted to fly so badly

but didn't realize flying was like running with your arms

six miles high in the sky

and our wings would get tired

and sometimes we might even pass out

and fall through the clouds to our deaths

11.9.2020: 10:07pm

gonna be so mad if I find out I didn't need to be half as nearly as whatever it is that I am

skin peeling from inside my mouth

maybe too much medication

mixing toothpaste and orajel (20% benzocaine) with these benzonatate pearls 

brushing my teeth seven times a day

they've never been cleaner

oh my god does it hurt when the numb fades

should be the happiest I've been all year otherwise

biden won so there's that

there's at least four years of that

and kamala harris

would still be cool if she passed nationwide legalization and then released and gave money to everyone incarcerated for cannabis and non-violent drug offenses (at least that's a start)

hey multiple states just passed a lot of new laws 

who knows what kind of future is possible if love can get ahead of greed

if enlightenment can catch up before ignorance twists the view

got help with my electric bill - grateful these programs exist

wonder what makes them tick

hopefully will get help with rent too

still don't know yet

amazing really that's even an option

and if it isn't for everyone

why not?

could that be something good

to come out of this mess?

is it so weird that I'm hellbent on helping the planet

or weird that absolutely everyone else isn't?

just that I don't do shit

lemme know when you get something done, bitch

maybe it's not the wanting to

but the thinking I could

but isn't that what we instill

isn't that what they tell us

you could be the one 

that changes everything

someone will be

why not you or me

why not both

11.8.2020: can we get them back?

I'm someone with dreams

watching the potential in my life

being plucked out like bright stars from black sky

my world slowly dimming

as other people

who do nothing that I can see

keep annoying and distracting me

takes everything to not let the frustration consume me

it's difficult

but I do not want to be that person

I don't want to let them ruin that for me too

where did their dreams go?

can we get them back?

Alex Trebek Forever

Alex Trebek died

I need gram to still be alive

I need to talk to her

to go back to the house where we used to live

with her sitting there on the couch

a cloud of lubriderm and cigarette smoke

where she'd watch wheel of fortune and jeopardy

where she took her last breath

and just suddenly shout

what the fuck, gram?!

but I'll probably settle for just rolling over

and going back to bed instead

you start to realize all your heroes

won't be around to see you make it

if you ever do

if ever

11.8.2020: loneliness is its own kind of painful

wake up alone

sore teeth

snot tinged with blood

wonder if anyone who ever said they loved you

still does

or did

or if you could trust them again

either way

is this really what someone wanted for me

to be alone

to be broken

to be struggling

to feel like such a nothing?

not that I'm complaining

not that I'm saying I don't want to live

(I do want to live.)

feels as if I can't complain

no longer allowed somehow

can't say anything

or that's just another reason I'm a pain in the ass

things went from personal preference

to life and death

really fucking quick

I wouldn't wish these feelings on anyone

why would anyone be so vicious towards me

just because they could

how could anyone who ever knew me think I deserved this

it must be in my head

just afraid that's what they think

but if it's true

where are they then

where are my friends?

how did I seem to misplace them?

and so many?

starts to get easier to think

maybe they never cared for me at all

but that's insulting if they did

and I miss them

and wish they were still around

does anyone wish I was still around?

(you'll never get an answer if you only ask the air)

is it really just time to go it alone

or am I kidding myself

look at my broken teeth

my thinning hair

swollen feet

as if to say

look at how unloved I am

        I'm falling apart

why is it like this

                 I will be gone and no one will notice

there must be some mistake

                                     how could you not love me at all

why is it like this

                                              how could I be so stuck on people who didn't even like me

for anyone?

11/7/2020: something healing

6pm 

Feeling a million times better, oh my god

How do I convey the relief? The difference between this and that agony?

I'm talking about both my toothache and the election

Just as I shouldn't take this to mean I can skip seeing a dentist

we shouldn't think everything is fixed now that Biden's president

but on both counts I prefer right now to how it's been

that's for certain

the pain is exhausting

but now that I feel better

I don't want to waste time

couldn't think

couldn't draw

couldn't eat

couldn't sleep

tried sitting up

with water in my mouth

that did not work out well

finally caved and bought some orajel

lucky to have the means

thought it wasn't working at first

but it's just been a dull discomfort for at least an hour or two

far reduced from the way the pain would grow up my face

like when characters get poisoned in superhero movies

the way it shot through my gums

top and bottom teeth

drilled through my ear

up around my sinuses

carving into my head

how could anyone suffer through that for long

hurts so bad you can't see

I told him he made me feel expendanble

and he - being who taught me the word and the concept - replied

that he felt expendable too

but I just needed to hear that people were not

we don't live in soylent green

that's not the episode of twilight mirror limits that we're watching

If anything today should be celebratory

I suppose it is

I only just started being pain free about an hour ago

maybe I just need time to adjust

and I can feel my full happy

6:25pm

what will the next four years

or even just one

bring us?

this is why I wish for

as little pain as possible

oh man no one should have to

ever feel that

go through that

ugh it's awful 

all my joints are swollen on my right side

well that's not good

already taken between 12 and 15 naproxen today 

2 ml of rso

orajel 

I don't want to 

but I think I should try to 

go back to

sleep again

something healing

like a cat purring

11/6/2020: toothache [at least PA turned blue / at least Georgia turned blue]

6 o'clock this morning

PA turned blue

then Georgia turned blue

Will they stay that way?

Don't want to call victory just yet.

But almost there.

*

I'm in tremendous pain

but I've found an easy fix

just keep rinsing the left side of my mouth

with water

every 2 or 3 minutes

otherwise the pain grows up along my face

it shrinks back and subsides almost instantly when I do this

just doesn't last as long as I wish it would

I'm going to have to see a dentist

oh my god I hate this

*

at least PA turned blue

at least Georgia turned blue

wish I could enjoy it

longer than 2 or 3 minutes

*

why now?

went all summer

had a filling fall out

been in my mouth since I was 7 years old

but there's been no pain until now

stretches up along my face

digs into my ear

reaches into my forehead

and like magic

disappears 

as soon as I rinse again

what is with that?

so much important stuff going on

and I'm distracted 

wish I had never eaten

whatever it was 

that caused this

*

at least PA turned blue

at least Georgia turned blue

11/5/2020: wait

7:30 in the morning

Been staring at the same numbers for what feels like two days now.

264 to 214.

It was 213 for a while and I don't know where the last number came from.

People are still able to submit fixed ballots by 5pm today, at least in Florida.

I can't imagine they can say with true officiality anything until at least Friday night then right?

And it could all be different again by Monday.

Hell they could drag out the results for months.

Contest it, go to the supreme court.

The most fucked up tv show on earth.

I'm in pretty severe pain

It's bad

I've been taking naproxen 

at least I got more of that

but it was meant to be for cramps

I've taken about 10 since yesterday already

I manage to fall back asleep

I wake up and the pain is gone

but it comes back

and stretches through my face, into my ear

the whole left side of my head hurts

I don't really understand what makes it come and go

should I just not eat?

was it the sugary treats I brought for the election?

does how I've been feeling have to do with too much salt?

a sudden change in diet?

I've been dizzy to the point I couldn't stay standing

so thirsty

did the fuckers get me sick?

or no 

I did that

just couldn't stop eating

if the food had been cigarettes

I would've smoked a whole pack

and felt just as awful

in other ways too I'm sure

the way it'd coat my throat and lungs

whenever I'd over do it

These feel like the last moments

before the world changes

one way or another

something's gotta happen

someone's gotta win

be declared the victor

This could be the last time

for the next four years

that you held your breath

hoping

not to be let down

for something good to happen

a best possible outcome

please

don't flip to red, Nevada

please

stay true blue

11/3/2020: running [poem]

 running

You either run for office

or you run away from cops

who want to beat someone up

give em a reason or sometimes not

or you run away by plane or train 

never stay in one place too long

to make enough friends who would be there for you in the end

run like a stocking

like paint on a wall

a festering sore

something you might find ugly

but I've always found beautiful

like water, like rain

swing batter batter, swing

run home

like someone terrifyed

by the booms outside

why do we have to live this way

this can't be all

this can't be everything

Nov. 2, 2020: no such thing as normal anymore [tangled up in moonbeams]

Uniquely quiet today for the most part.

Sad that good things can be so unnerving when you're not used to them.

Might be getting a letter later this morning or afternoon about whether I qualified for rent assistance.

Wish she could have just told me if everything would be okay or not.

Election coming up.

They boarded the windows to the apartment. 

You see things online. They did that in most every major city.

Expecting a fight. Expecting chaos. Will people take to the streets in joy or only anger?

Should we have been stricter about staying home, either way?

Curious how the protests did not lead to more deadly outbreaks, but the *rump rallies did.

Is that supposed to be a testament to the effectiveness of masks?

Or will the protesters be riddled with cancer in 5 years from expired tear gas?

Don't you see how it's the most defiant being punished?

Black Lives Matter, Antifascists, and their allies are just disobedient for much better reasons.

But isn't it suspicious all the same?

Not forgetting there are three months between now and inauguration if Biden wins.

I don't want to even try to predict what will happen.

There are multiple possible bridges and I don't know which one we will need to cross yet.

The important stuff: the virus, the election, police corruption, a lineage of white supremacy that is entangled in the fabric of our government. Social murder. 

And I, like some kind of perpetual teenager, just want tasty foods and cannabis, if I'm being honest.

I just want parts of my old life just before this.

Walking to work all independent and strong. 

Smoking cigarettes and singing songs.

Clean clean clean and think think think.

Go home and do it all again tomorrow.

I called it when the world shut down:

They'd have us experience something worse for long enough

that whatever we had before would seem like a dream

even though it wasn't all that great to begin with

but compared to this

hell yes do I miss it.

Now I'm embarrassing myself

attempting to ask strangers for money

in exchange for picture I took of the moon.

Why I thought that might work, I don't know.

Should have probably tried to do that sooner.

Might very well be getting an eviction letter.

Which reminds me there's another chance for help with the electric later today.

I wish I didn't feel like I'm only really useful

as a sacrifice.

That just isn't right.

That can't be right.

I can do so much more than this.

I care so much more than this.

november 1, 2020: why can't something good happen? (for you, for me, for us)

rouge garbage men

people coughing outside again

wake up feeling like sludge

fearing everyone

will my vote be counted

will I get help with rent & electric

will I just slide into obscurity

no one really got to know me

ugh my stomach hurts

why can't something good happen?

Pandæmonium

October 28, 2020 and I'm full of pizza.

This feeling is now a treasured luxury for me.

Had to beg strangers online and someone heard my plea.

Probably should have considered buying groceries, or art supplies, or something else with the $20 they sent.

But I had asked for money for pizza, and pizza was what I truly wanted. 

11 slices left, so it isn't as if it went as quickly as it came. 

Things that last are more important to me than ever now.

Reminded of someone telling me, years ago, about energy and how some people who are depressed finally get a boost and that's when they end up killing themselves. 

What a horrible concept.

I don't want to die, but with the sudden energy I do have, I can see a little more clearly the darkness ahead.

I live day-to-day knowing in the back of my mind that one day there will be no more days like these.

I will wake up in January with a $10,000 bill and an eviction notice on my door (or so I fear).

If my electricity doesn't get shut off first.

What was I supposed to do differently?

Started this year with a job and a Netflix account, even got a subscription to the New York Times.

By February I was out of work - for bogus reasons frankly.

If I were someone else I would sue them.

I think by March the news was talking about the virus.

Pretty sure the shutdown started at the end of May.

Feels like I lost a month of time somehow. 

Someone died in my building and for three days I gagged on the smell of their death - building managers said they'd been found after three days or so and an ozone fan was spreading the smell around. 

But something is off, because I can't remember if the lockdown came before or after that.

I just know the shutdown was when the screaming started. 

The street was filled with people it seemed.

One girl in particular - I know her by her voice now - and even people who live in the building - were outside just screaming horrendous things.

They are still doing that to this day - she was just kicked out of the building earlier tonight - no clue how she's getting in.

I have recordings.

Maybe my neighbors hate me but I have no idea why - no legitimate idea why anyway.

People can be paid to do all sorts of things I guess.

Some kind of resentment or jealousy?

Sometimes my pronoia kicks in and I want to believe it must be for a better reason but I've yet to pinpoint just what that is - they've literally been screaming "get out" "go home stay home" among other things.

Like "I hope you die" and "kill yourself bitch".

Is this some kind of psychological experiment?

It's all a bit too overwhelming for me but I'm trying to succinctly summarize what I've been through this year.

My apartment has been turned into a torture box that I still don't want to give up.

I have nowhere to go and no way to get there even if I did want to move.

I need to explain these things properly so that anyone can understand me.

I know how easy it is to sound like you're just overblown and dismissed as "crazy".

There's been screaming. There's been noise that I don't remember ever being a problem in all the years I've lived here. There's been pollution filling my apartment. There's been banging and clanging and awfulness at all hours, involving all sorts of people. Garbage trucks, city vehicles, even sirens from the firefolks, ambulance, police. My PTSD is worse than ever and these sounds are not just an annoyance. When they get me at just the right frequency, it's like being hit in the brain. I can still feel it long after the sound has come and gone. It hurts, and I feel like I'm being stressed to death.

One day I might have some kind of aneurysm and be the next lady found dead and alone days and days later.

It's a horrible thought.

I don't deserve this, but I suppose it's safe to say no one ever does.

I need to take a break from this, but that's a start to explaining. 

I'm distracted by doors slamming and water running.

Like I need to publish this quick or else risk never getting it out at all.

***

Frustrated and distracted, there's so much more to say.

The bigger things that aren't just about me, but about the world at large, at play, all around me.

The endless banging garbage trucks draw my attention to their necessity.

The screaming folks outside, actors as they may be, represent people who need help desperately.

Help from people who are not armed and would not even "accidentally" kill them if things get wonky.

Fearing eviction itself is something millions of people are going through right now.

Don't even get me started on the protests.

All of this could be channeled into dreaming up new policies for a better future

things to ask of our elected public servants

things that need to be changed.

My anecdotal experiences are just one example of much bigger issues.

And that's where there's any importance in sharing them beyond trying to save myself.

Or at least leaving behind some clues as to why the future may turn out for the worse.

***

There's got to be more to say but I need to write it elsewhere and then copy paste

afraid to lose what I've already said

I don't know why I'm filled with dread

hoping I'm wrong for the millionth time

and I promise I didn't mean to rhyme

a surprise to me as well

call me Persephone

there's no such thing as perfect

but I feel like an angel trapped in hell

Death Roulette

Death Roulette 

someone offers me groceries

but what if they make me sick?

someone screaming outside

"hope you die" "kill yourself bitch"

but what if I call the cops and they end up dead?

someone needs my help

but they don't care if it kills me

what's worth the risk to live?

O quarantine O quarantine

O' quarantine O' quarantine

stuck in a box for months

starting to smell like onions and 

my back begins to hunch

hope I don't get evicted when

memorandum ends cause I have no friends

O' quarantine O' quarantine

don't wanna die from covid

PTSD

sometimes I get lost on odd parts of memory lane

unsure how I got here

as though I never left

the longer I stay

the more I see

no one listened to me

the way I needed them to

maybe that's why I keep coming back

to tell myself who I am

to be someone 

who could get to somewhere new

This place is a classroom: Portland 2020 Analogy

 

day of rage

The world's a whole lot more like bullies than friends

They want you to be a superhero

but they don't really give a fuck about you

Group projects where you're left to do all the work

we all get an A

and they don't even say thanks

just bye

Growing to hate this place

Feeling like a prisoner in my own home

People screaming awful things

Waking me up - screaming

All summer long

I love to sing from time to time

but now it feels forced

and I hate them for that

October 2020

 11:55pm

I've got the blues.

Figured I'd try writing here again and see if that helps.

This used to be everything to me.

Something I've noticed about myself while stuck in quarantine: 

As a human creature, I'm constantly seeking comfort. Even the things that start to feel like work - important work, but still - circle around my brain as if I'm trying to sort out a puzzle box filled with 12 different puzzles. Even in this I'm seeking the comfort of understanding - or imagining I could ever figure it all out.

When I'm not doing that, I'm eating. Or sleeping. Or I want something - RSO, a cigarette, socio-economic revolution, love. 

I've practically quit smoking, and the few cigarettes I've let myself indulge in this summer weren't really that satisfying. But there're a lot of connections in my mind with cigarettes and old times and people that I enjoyed and miss so I still end up wanting one. Yes, I realize the hypocrisy, as I've been terrified of the virus (not to mention bullshit like expired CS gas or climate fires or the general pollution from outside that has at times filled my apartment and turned it into a death box). 

If I had to pick between the two, I'd choose RSO instead, but I haven't had a consistent supply and I'm down to my last $40. While that medicine makes all the difference in the world, I need to hold out. I can't seem to make it last longer than a couple weeks. Been sucking on the ends of empties when I've been desperate for relief. 

There's been a major issue with sound here and the RSO puts a cushion between me and the noise. Without it I am increasingly raw, and someone just closing their car door right outside my window at just the right moment can send shock waves through my body. It's awful. When someone comes ripping by, it isn't just annoying, it's painful. The shutdown completely changed the area where I live. Sonic booms during the protests haven't helped. Nor the strange parade of garbage trucks that were coming through nightly for a while there. That's lessened now though. Hope it stays that way.

Haven't had a consistent supply of food either - but I've got 40lbs of pancake mix, 20lbs of rice, about 10lbs of beans, 48oz (3lbs) of hot sauce, 5lbs of frozen broccoli and spinach, and I'd say 3ish pounds of potatoes. The potatoes will probably go first. Might sound a bit dramatic, but I was straight up starving for a solid month this summer with no idea what was going to happen because of the virus shutdown or how to properly prepare. Only through trial and error did I figure out the pancake mix and rice and beans were the least costly way to go. There were other issues with accessing my bank account that I won't get into. If I didn't cook and eat for comfort, that stuff would last even longer. But of course, I tend to do that. I really love food. My weight has fluctuated drastically. Almost helps to stop eating when things are bland and there's no cheese or sweets, but then my mind seeks other outlets. 

Just constantly seeking.

I posted this for Day One of Inktober:

It's been hanging on the wall next to my bed all summer. I miss feeling free, and thanks to all this bullshit, I don't know if I will ever feel that way completely again. I've always been a more anxious kind of person, but after seeing how people blatantly disregarded the virus, can't help but think that if this scenario was worse, we'd all be dead. Having to second guess everyone from the police who are meant to protect you and the elected officials meant to care about you and even friends who just aren't there and I don't know why - not to mention anyone else you'd expect to give a shit - well yeah - trust is in limited supply with me these days, too.

Thank everything for my cat.

I got back online with facebook on September 18th and posted this:

The last three months have been surreal.

Pandemic shutdown. Eerie quiet punctured by roars of sound that have ripped out my ear canals and sent shock waves through my system. People screaming - horrible things: "go home stay home" and "I hope you die". Fear of getting sick. Fear of deliberately being made sick. Fear of "tracers". Protest infiltrators. Police brutality. Snatch-and-grab kidnappings. Garbage cans being set on fire. False flags. Severe injuries from munitions. Dangers of CS Gas. Dangers of expired CS gas. No one knows the long term damage because it hasn't happened on this scale yet. Protesters are arrested and let go without charges but their mugshots are posted online for people to find who might want to hurt them. Prisoners inside the justice buildings inadvertently gassed too. Every night is another war crime or a civil rights violation recorded in plain sight - but it's as if it's all too much for anyone, even the ACLU, to do anything about - at least not very quickly. Four cops pick someone out of the crowd, tackle them, pepper spray them in face while being held on the ground, punching them in the head. A girl is pat down and another protester asks if there's a lady officer to do it. Cop replies "how do you know I don't identify as a female?" and they laugh. They arrested a woman who, a couple years ago, was ignored when she reported a man harassed and attacked her. That man went and murdered two people on a max train the next day. They tell press to disperse when they have a right to stay. Declaring riots within minutes which allows them to use munitions. It's as if they're trying to get people to want to defund them. Or they're retaliating with impunity - I don't know what's more frightening. News media and politicians painting protesters in a negative light, stirring proud boys to counter-protest. Making you question just who runs this town, or if the philosophy of progress made Portland a target. Over 100 days, the people march until midnight when the crowds thin and cops start bull rushing remaining protesters who try to get away, throwing back canisters thrown at them. Feels like there's no one to really call for help; desperately whispering the question: "who polices the police?" but no one answers me because I'm sitting here all alone, by myself, reading updates from Twitter and hearing booms go off in the distance since June. Or, a few times, right on my street, around 3am. Despite the clubs being shut down, I've given up trying to sleep at night. Don't know if I'm more lucky or cursed not to have a job right now. I don't understand how so many people kept going to work. People openly coughing and spitting and sneezing. And then there are those who have no shelter in which to shelter-in-place. That could be me, that could be me, why isn't there more help for them?  Do they not know what's available to them? Do they need different kinds of help? Street sweepers at night spraying stale water I can smell in my apartment while people sleep directly on the ground in the path of the spray. When you calculate every danger, it starts to feel like a holocaust. Social murder. Stacking variables, stacking threats, pushing us into cognitive dissonance. All of downtown psychologically tortured, textbook definition, and then into the neighborhoods. Portland had its deadliest month in 30 years, 150 rounds fired near where I used to live. A man ran over a motorbike and brandished a gun, but was let go. Man shot into the crowd, casings collected. Man was shot and died. I know he was "on the wrong side" but the whole point of the protests was that people should not be dying this way, even him. Man who was suspected of shooting the man was shot by police and died. I do not know his name, and I find that strange. Forest fires break out. Air quality: Hazardous. People have been calling this a "smoke break" from the protests. If it isn't the end of days, it sure looks like it. They say being out in the air is like smoking 15 cigarettes. I don't want to die, but good god I want a cigarette. I know that isn't logical, but come the fuck on, I'm stressed. Every day closer to possible eviction, I filled out some paperwork, but I don't know if I'm going to get any help. Another check for $1,200 isn't going to cover it, and I can't believe our government would let people hang in the balance this long - why not implement something earlier so people weren't scared all summer - unless that's what you wanted? Can't breathe outside the system, can't breathe inside the system. Don't hold your breath that this world will get better without everyone's help, or that this is the end of it.

You've lived through 2020 without me, but if I could have done anything to make the world a little less horrifying for you, I would have wanted to.

From COVID to police corruption, I don't know the exact nature of your struggle and you don't know mine - but I want you to know there's still love for you coming from this direction of the planet.

And yes maybe to some degree I'm just telling you what I need to hear right now but good goddamn if you need to hear it too then I don't mind. 

If there was so much as a single second when you wondered "where the hell is Laura?" and wished I was here, wished I was messaging you, I'm so, so sorry.

I'm honored to have even crossed your mind and I wish you knew that's how you matter to me.

Please take a moment, close your eyes, breathe in deep, slow, as if inhaling the intention of these words and say to yourself "I am loved" and know I only want good things for you. Know that there is at least one person in this universe who is rooting for you and wants you to survive and thrive. I'm sure there are others, but you've got at least one. 

I haven't been using facebook due to concerns with privacy and corruption. I want to be here and engaged with you, I'm sorry I haven't been, and I'm not entirely sure what to do about it now. 

It's important to me that I tell you this. Even if we barely know each other, we don't talk anymore, we're Milt family or Ithacans or had some other adventure together, or we've unfriended/blocked each other and you're here reading this because maybe you do actually miss me - I just don't want you to be alone anywhere facing the apocalypse by yourself.

I hope you'll take this love I'm trying to send your way and you'll feel a little better. 💜 Intersectional solidarity! BLACK LIVES MATTER!

***

Looking through what others have posted in the last three months makes me feel like I'm living on a different planet.

***

When I feel lost, I ask myself: "What is the most important thing I could be doing right now?"

Then I usually end up reading the news.

I've composed a couple poems. Started some stories. I don't know what keeps me from fleshing them out. I genuinely like them even. I just don't - sometimes I think it's because my heart knows I'm being watched. I try to shut that out as just a worry, though, but it would explain why there's this feeling like I need to save my best work for when I'm safe(r).

As I write this people keep passing by blaring their bass. It hurts.

I've drawn a bit, which I'll post for Inktober. More or less run out of drawing paper so I'll have to start just doodling on random things. That could be fun though. Something interesting and unexpected might come out of it. 

The dire importance of self-care - of finding zen in the chaos so you can be more effective - and just what that means for me personally has been another lesson I'm still learning.

I'm honestly a little worked up and pissed off right now by what feels like people suddenly circling my block deliberately booming their bass - it gets right into my inner ear - I fucking hate it. I've had to deal with bass issues the whole time I've lived here - even changed my entire life to accommodate because I can't afford to live anywhere else. Got jobs working at night. Now the clubs are closed down but people are still loud. Treating downtown like their playground. Which is fine, but why do you have to be so painfully disruptive? I'm back to being insecure about my housing and eviction and sensing someone has made people hate me here or something and they've been torturing me all summer. Just sucks.

Angry and ears hurting and nothing I can do about it, I don't know what else to say. I wanted to spend the time to write something comprehensive but maybe tonight just isn't the night. 

I want to be someone who exudes light in this community, and it's like someone else just wants to put me in a position to seem like a bitter person no one could love. 

1am and I thought there was supposed to be a full moon tonight, but I don't see it. Must have been yesterday - it was a dusty red and big in the sky around this time.

Tonight the sky is empty. Someone sleeping in front of the shelter across the street. It's been nearly silent except for the bass, what sounded like one cop playing with their sirens, and I fear the garbage truck parade might be starting. 

Should I keep going? Am I just rambling? Just feels safer now to stay here, stay communicating, expressing, in case something happens. I'm torn mentally in multiple directions and I don't know what to do.

I'm feeling panicked. There's no reason, slow down. I wish my ear didn't still feel full from the sounds. I have a fan going above my stove because it hurts even worse the quieter it is whenever something comes cutting through the calm.

There's a million things I could talk about. I just don't feel like it right now.

I want comfort again. Some kind of relief. I don't want to process everything, I just want to be. At least right this second.

1:11am

2:42am

I can see the moon!

It is there!

I am just so confused why it seems to shift its position in the sky even at the same time of night. 

Lover of all things cosmic, I feel ashamed for not understanding this.

I'm not even trying to sleep.

Earlier a man loudly vomited outside and then laid down flat, shirtless, on the corner. 

I might sound callous, but there's been so much odd shit going on around here, you would understand if I could just explain it.

Anyway, the immediate question is: do I call for help?

And if so, who do I call?

Again, might seem like there's an obvious answer and before this year there might have been.

I dialed for non-emergency, put it on speaker, and leaned as far as I could against the screen out my window.

When he heard that, he got up and left.

This is kind of awful. There is a request from allies to abolish the police.

I understand the argument and know it's more nuanced than the simple slogan might suggest.

The question, again, who do you call for help?

The question of the year: who polices the police?

If for some reason both Biden and Trump get COVID and are out of the running, what would happen then?

If we did turn into a leaderless country, could we make it?

I think Portland could, but there's still some fight between what seems like the people who care and the people who are following orders.

I should have thought about this more before I started writing.

My mind is filling up with visions that I find frightening. 

I don't want to unleash those ideas just because they'd be the worst case scenarios.

Not sure how it would be helpful or even a warning. Might manifest just because I said it.

Would rather take the time to dream up how it could go right instead.

That's just not usually my instinct.

2:55am

3:46am

I've been recording obnoxiously loud street sweepers and trucks all night.

It's not a good time.

I don't even know what I'm doing it for - who am I going to show it to who cares?

But I regret not getting more of this on camera earlier - my phone just didn't have the space.

On a more important note, I wrote this and wanted to save it here:

Tonight there is a mural being painted to honor Patrick Kimmons.

I believe his case is a good example of when people pick and choose who they think should die or who deserves empathy when they are killed by police.

Another recent example of the same problem is the police killing of Michael Reinoehl.

Because the police chose to kill these men on site, they never got to explain their actions. We will never know their side of the story - so we will never know the whole truth.

I do not believe in the death penalty. If we set a standard that killing each other is wrong - it must always be wrong. If we designed a tranquilizer gun then police might still run the risk of killing a subject or having them drowsy and armed (which could pose a risk), but we would no longer have a guaranteed death. 

Maybe that's not the answer, but an outright refusal to even consider alternatives leads me to think there's a desire to dispose of anyone deemed a threat and the goal is not to really help anyone, but instead get rid of the disobedient. To them, you seem like you're in the wrong, and they feel justified in ending your life.

The fact that this kind of execution by police is disproportionately happening to the black population (particularly those suffering from mental illness, though not always ) and regardless of "guilt" - too often when they did NOTHING WRONG much less anything that would mean they DESERVED TO DIE - is the whole point behind BLACK LIVES MATTER.

***

I've got a twingy tension headache. Feels like I've been unconsciously gritting my teeth again.

Had a filling fall out this summer that's been in my mouth since I was 7.

Haven't been to a dentist since I graduated high school in 2008.

Somebody is letting something fall to the ground outside - sounds a lot like one of the trucks is unloading.

What is really the fairest thing in this situation?

No one should have to be exposed to toxic bullshit because of where they live.

This is low income housing, but why should that mean you deserve to suffer?

And clearly there's something different now than there ever has been - the clubs would shut down by 3am most night and I'd hear the garbage truck come through but it was like they came and went and that was it.

This summer has been a parade of bullshit.

Just doesn't make any sense unless they were doing it on purpose.

The only other explanation is that I ran out of RSO, but I don't think that's the whole story.

And why you should need to be drunk or stoned just to be able to sleep where you live?

Another fucking garbage truck - just now - not even picking up anything on this street. They honestly weren't as loud as they could be, but maybe they noticed me filming?

I'm telling you there's some kind of conspiracy with the garbage collection agencies. 

Something is deeply off.

I get how easy that is to dismiss. You would understand if you had been here.

3:57am

4:24am

I'm frustrated and can't sleep.

Some truck is around the corner just idling.

A firetruck even went by but I guess why would they have thought to ask them to shut off their engine...

You're not supposed to idle for more than 5 minutes.

We have all these different rules here that would be genuinely helpful but it's like people are trying to make a point that if you can't call anyone for help, anything goes.

It's evil.

And really fucking annoying.

Maybe I'm being extra sensitive because it's almost 4:30 in the morning, I'm kind of tired but don't think I could sleep, feel like I could eat but I don't want anything I've got (which usually means you're not all that terribly hungry, right?), and I just feel like I've wasted a night of my life and a bunch of space on my phone recording all the loud vehicles that go by.

There is an annoying hum in my room and I don't want to hear it.

I've had to put up with this shit all year, and it doesn't have to be like this.

They're just ruining my home and I don't understand why.

If I had some RSO I think I'd calm down. It's been a week now since I ran out.

I went June, July, and most of August without it. 

You'd never tell someone to just stop taking their prescription medication.

I'm so frustrated.

All I can hear is the mix of the hum from the fan above my stove with the truck that won't shut its engine off outside.

4:44am

I called non-emergency and asked if someone would come tell them to shut off their engine.

You KNOW it's that bad to push me to do that. I'm just sick of this shit.

It feels incredibly deliberate. I would explain more but I feel like my brain is going to pop if I don't relax.

People are fucking evil.

5:15am

BLACK LIVES MATTER

Tonight there is a mural being painted to honor Patrick Kimmons.

I believe his case is a good example of when people pick and choose who they think should die or who deserves empathy when they are killed by police.

Another recent example of the same problem is the police killing of Michael Reinoehl.

Because the police chose to kill these men on site, they never got to explain their actions. We will never know their side of the story - so we will never know the whole truth.

I do not believe in the death penalty. If we set a standard that killing each other is wrong - it must always be wrong. If we designed a tranquilizer gun then police might still run the risk of killing a subject or having them drowsy and armed (which could pose a risk), but we would no longer have a guaranteed death. 

Maybe that's not the answer, but an outright refusal to even consider alternatives leads me to think there's a desire to dispose of anyone deemed a threat and the goal is not to really help anyone, but instead get rid of the disobedient. To them, you seem like you're in the wrong, and they feel justified in ending your life.

The fact that this kind of execution by police is disproportionately happening to the black population (particularly those suffering from mental illness, though not always ) and regardless of "guilt" - too often when they did NOTHING WRONG much less anything that would mean they DESERVED TO DIE - is the whole point behind BLACK LIVES MATTER.

Don't Face Apocalypse Alone

The last three months have been surreal.

Pandemic shutdown. Eerie quiet punctured by roars of sound that have ripped out my ear canals and sent shock waves through my system. People screaming - horrible things: "go home stay home" and "I hope you die". Fear of getting sick. Fear of deliberately being made sick. Fear of "tracers". Protest infiltrators. Police brutality. Snatch-and-grab kidnappings. Garbage cans being set on fire. False flags. Severe injuries from munitions. Dangers of CS Gas. Dangers of expired CS gas. No one knows the long term damage because it hasn't happened on this scale yet. Protesters are arrested and let go without charges but their mugshots are posted online for people to find who might want to hurt them. Prisoners inside the justice buildings inadvertently gassed too. Every night is another war crime or a civil rights violation recorded in plain sight - but it's as if it's all too much for anyone, even the ACLU, to do anything about - at least not very quickly. Four cops pick someone out of the crowd, tackle them, pepper spray them in face while being held on the ground, punching them in the head. A girl is pat down and another protester asks if there's a lady officer to do it. Cop replies "how do you know I don't identify as a female?" and they laugh. They arrested a woman who, a couple years ago, was ignored when she reported a man harassed and attacked her. That man went and murdered two people on a max train the next day. They tell press to disperse when they have a right to stay. Declaring riots within minutes which allows them to use munitions. It's as if they're trying to get people to want to defund them. Or they're retaliating with impunity - I don't know what's more frightening. News media and politicians painting protesters in a negative light, stirring proud boys to counter-protest. Making you question just who runs this town, or if the philosophy of progress made Portland a target. Over 100 days, the people march until midnight when the crowds thin and cops start bull rushing remaining protesters who try to get away, throwing back canisters thrown at them. Feels like there's no one to really call for help; desperately whispering the question: "who polices the police?" but no one answers me because I'm sitting here all alone, by myself, reading updates from Twitter and hearing booms go off in the distance since June. Or, a few times, right on my street, around 3am. Despite the clubs being shut down, I've given up trying to sleep at night. Don't know if I'm more lucky or cursed not to have a job right now. I don't understand how so many people kept going to work. People openly coughing and spitting and sneezing. And then there are those who have no shelter in which to shelter-in-place. That could be me, that could be me, why isn't there more help for them?  Do they not know what's available to them? Do they need different kinds of help? Street sweepers at night spraying stale water I can smell in my apartment while people sleep directly on the ground in the path of the spray. When you calculate every danger, it starts to feel like a holocaust. Social murder. Stacking variables, stacking threats, pushing us into cognitive dissonance. All of downtown psychologically tortured, textbook definition, and then into the neighborhoods. Portland had its deadliest month in 30 years, 150 rounds fired near where I used to live. A man ran over a motorbike and brandished a gun, but was let go. Man shot into the crowd, casings collected. Man was shot and died. I know he was "on the wrong side" but the whole point of the protests was that people should not be dying this way, even him. Man who was suspected of shooting the man was shot by police and died. I do not know his name, and I find that strange. Forest fires break out. Air quality: Hazardous. People have been calling this a "smoke break" from the protests. If it isn't the end of days, it sure looks like it. They say being out in the air is like smoking 15 cigarettes. I don't want to die, but good god I want a cigarette. I know that isn't logical, but come the fuck on, I'm stressed. Every day closer to possible eviction, I filled out some paperwork, but I don't know if I'm going to get any help. Another check for $1,200 isn't going to cover it, and I can't believe our government would let people hang in the balance this long - why not implement something earlier so people weren't scared all summer - unless that's what you wanted? Can't breathe outside the system, can't breathe inside the system. Don't hold your breath that this world will get better without everyone's help, or that this is the end of it.

You've lived through 2020 without me, but if I could have done anything to make the world a little less horrifying for you, I would have wanted to.

From COVID to police corruption, I don't know the exact nature of your struggle and you don't know mine - but I want you to know there's still love for you coming from this direction of the planet.

And yes maybe to some degree I'm just telling you what I need to hear right now but good goddamn if you need to hear it too then I don't mind. 

If there was so much as a single second when you wondered "where the hell is Laura?" and wished I was here, wished I was messaging you, I'm so, so sorry.

I'm honored to have even crossed your mind and I wish you knew that's how you matter to me.

Please take a moment, close your eyes, breathe in deep, slow, as if inhaling the intention of these words and say to yourself "I am loved" and know I only want good things for you. Know that there is at least one person in this universe who is rooting for you and wants you to survive and thrive. I'm sure there are others, but you've got at least one. 

I haven't been using facebook due to concerns with privacy and corruption. I want to be here and engaged with you, I'm sorry I haven't been, and I'm not entirely sure what to do about it now. 

It's important to me that I tell you this. Even if we barely know each other, we don't talk anymore, we're Milt family or Ithacans or had some other adventure together, or we've unfriended/blocked each other and you're here reading this because maybe you do actually miss me - I just don't want you to be alone anywhere facing the apocalypse by yourself.

I hope you'll take this love I'm trying to send your way and you'll feel a little better. 💜 Intersectional solidarity! BLACK LIVES MATTER!

2020 what the hell are you doing

Went outside

for the first time

in 100 days

the moon and mars

met in the night

and now the air is campfire smoke

wind blustering bewitched

sky tinged pink

above the red neon sign

for the mission across the street

2020

what the hell are you doing

A Lose/Lose No Winning Unfair Fight [poem]

What are the limits to peaceful protest

if they refuse to listen?

If they label you violent 

before you even begin?

If violence is all that's left

(defending yourself against the violence used on you)

what good is it if the establishment always has more power?

If neither of these tactics are effective, what can people do?

No matter what we do.

No matter what we ask for.

No matter how we ask for it.

It feels like the people will be dominated.

A

Lose/Lose

No winning

Unfair fight

One might say we need to go through the system:

- Put incorruptible people in office

- Pass laws

- Vote

But when our votes don't count

and our people are corrupted, manipulated, threatened, blocked, stalled and silenced

and the process takes so goddamn long

the people who wanted change are gone before they see the day...

Then what? What then?

You'd think they set it up like this on purpose and all we can do is be pissed

just take it

until we're dead.

- voltaverse [2020]

MORE CARE LESS COPS

Let's say you're a cop

You go online

People writing FuckThePolice/ACAB/etc

Are you watching the video?

Are you listening to why?

If you are

but aren't taking a stand against it

what's keeping you complicit?

If you're too scared of your own co-workers to speak up

what are any of us supposed to do?

Can't you leak the truth to the public somehow?

If you keep doing the same

don't you see you're proving the point? 

Ask More Questions Portland

Why don't people question more?

Why do they think what they see is what they get?

Why can't they imagine that maybe things are done 

on purpose 

to obtain a certain result?

That some people are just acting 

one way or another?

Anything can be propaganda

Everything is PR

Stand on the side of human rights

Simple

All else is a tangled mess of politics

and camera angles

designed to make audiences

react

depending on how they want people to vote

depending on how they want people to feel

depending on how they want people to fear

Question more

The Universe is a Them

The Universe is a Them

Discovered this poet, this poem

tonight

I don't believe in a humanoid god

passing judgement over us all

but I enjoy synchronicity

and believe the universe always

has something to show me

to teach me

and I love them

Love, Portland.

No brutality.
No unfair fights.
No police state.
No excuses to hurt us.

Subvert expectations.
Be defiantly peaceful.
That is my advice.
I see how anything we do can be used to make those protesting against brutality look bad.
Don't let them make examples out of you. Of us.

Something isn't what it seems in Portland.
On June 1st, there were multiple requests by public officials to have the National Guard come here. At first the request was denied, but then 50 National Guard and 100 State Police were deployed. Then the president sent four groups including Homeland Security and Border Patrol officers. Now, after violent altercations with citizens, local leaders are asking for the officers to leave yet also choosing to close down the public park where much of the activity has been happening. Every day there's new footage of what appears to be someone doing nothing being attacked and taken away by agents. Nightly, I'm hearing loud booms that seem to be coming from areas away from where the center of the protests are located. I have been socially isolated for over 50 days and can only explain my limited perspective, but something is very wrong here. Looking to the future, I worry this is a slow death, social murder, for thousands of people and will only serve to secure another term for the current administration by eliminating and making a bad example of anyone who would vote otherwise.

*DO NOT LIKE, DO NOT COMMENT, DO NOT INTERACT WITH MY FACEBOOK*

****

Terrifed at 3am July 17, 2020

No one can probably see this anyway, but do not interact with my account.

Someone set a garbage can on fire across the street from my apartment tonight.

I could be wrong, but I have reason to believe it was actually a local police officer. If they didn't, I don't understand why they didn't get out and ask the people around if they saw anything, especially the woman  across the street who had been yelling horrible shit for however long beforehand.

There's been screaming and yelling on this street all month, I have lost track of the bullshit. It is awful. I do not want to be bullied out of my home. I'm terrified of getting sick on top of it.

I called 911 and they said a fire truck was already on the way, even though the police officer had left the can in flames. The fire people put it out, but didn't ask anyone if they saw who did it either.

This is insane. Even as I write this, another "regular" screamer is saying "get the fuck out bitch" and going off from far away.

Normally I would think people were under duress or mentally ill, but I think they might be paid actors. I think people might be paid to infiltrate the protests as well. I fear they are trying to set up situations to make examples of people or use them for a political purpose. I do not want to die, but in the event of my death, NO ONE should receive any kind of payment for any reason. I also hope this isn't used an an excuse to bring more tyranny to Portland - leave one of the few progressive safe havens alone! Thank you for caring, whoever the fuck you are.

****

3:18am July 18, 2020

https://twitter.com/Volta2020

Regular citizens don't have the infrastructure for "anarchy". Even if people united over an area, they would be at a disadvantage compared to power/tech/resources of the rest of the world. Powerless, most of the population has been kept in the dark and divided on purpose.

Do you know how things are run, how they're maintained, how water & air stays clean & lights stay on? Any idea how to fix anything if it breaks down? Or protect each other from exposure to dangers? How to survive a future pandemic, natural disaster, or other catastrophe?

One person going out and living in the woods might survive a lifetime. But everyone eats and shits, and a whole civilization worth of people will need food, clean water, trash & sewage systems - that needs maintenance. And what about those who depend on our help to survive?

So much is mined and made elsewhere & distributed through government contracts - cellphones & tech, equipment, medicine, factories for innovation - there are some things we couldn’t make on our own even if we wanted to. Not as things are today. Globally, we need each other.

Why do you think things stay the same despite every life lost and good intention? The idea that those in power would give up wealth is preposterous & they're moons away from anyone facing tear gas, brutality, eviction & houselessness, medical fears, hunger, social murder etc.

The only real (r)evolution I see is a gradual understanding of everyone’s inherent worth & humanity no matter their race, gender, sexuality, neurodiversity, level of income, or any other variation. Maybe that's the basis for a better future - it's only taken 13 billion years

Capitalism’s evil stems from exploitation - but even in a world without money - where everyone might do their jobs for "free" because their needs for housing, food, education, healthcare, & safety are granted as rights - we still need infrastructure/maintenance/innovation.

I’d love if people could live by their own art, which we all have inside of us - grow our own food, build our own homes - but like a million pieces pulled apart & scattered around the world, there’s no way to survive without working together - it's just not a fair fight.

EXPRESSION IS EXISTENCE. KEEP EXISTING!

Lies are a last resort of those more desperate to seem right than be real.

Don't let them make a bad example out of you. Of us.

No tyranny in Portland or anywhere else.

Black Lives Matter never meant yours didn't. Intersectional solidarity!

P.S. Care about the vulnerable, each other, everyone, and wear a face mask. Ask your local officials for aid and resources. Without action from those in power, this is social murder.

July 4th, 2020

When people are dependent they are at risk of being exploited.

It seems there is an effort to push people into a state of dependency right now. I want to believe this could be stopped if powerful people cared, if they are made aware, but I also recognize we may all be up against forces who hold power beyond anything the average person could fathom.

We were kept in the dark on purpose. Perhaps we never got the change we wanted because it's in the best interests of whoever is most in power to keep us this way - otherwise we would be harder to control. Harder to track. I personally feel someone's jealousy and/or resentment has tried to take every possible happiness from me - but that may be my own problem. I want to live, and live well, and if I can, I will find a way. A way without help, because I believe that's what's worked against me - but this experience is why I'm reaching out to you.

Most people want to extend gratitude when they are helped, but if you understood that "help" was working against you, exploiting you, maybe even hurting you - would you want to accept it unless you saw no other choice? Try to find another way. Make another way.

Maybe you personally are comfortable right now. Those who are at an advantage in any system or situation are the least likely to want change, even if that system puts so many more in crisis.

I could be wrong, but I see how people may be targeted - for what reasons I can only guess - maybe because they are deemed expendable, or difficult, or disobedient, or just different.

Maybe they have no one else and are vulnerable.

This seems to go across demographics - age, race, gender. If you aren't towing some kind of status quo - I'm worried you (and I) may be selected to suffer or be utilized for someone else's agenda.

Maybe it's different where you are - but do you feel this too?
Do you care?
Don't answer that here.

Be careful who and what you trust.
I haven't wanted to post anything because I'm not really sure what's going on - but I have seen too many patterns repeat - and if it could help save anyone's life  - it's worth it.

Happy Independence Day.
May we define what it means to be American and Human in such a way that has space at the table for everyone.
P.S. try to work with a sense of peace - I'm afraid the powerful will take it as an excuse to destroy us otherwise.
P.P.S. I love you

*this was also posted to my Facebook (facebook.com/lauralai89 - but it seems my account has been compromised so I posted to a second (and the only other real) account https://www.facebook.com/laura.gamari.58 - I have no idea why there's a 58)


Resources:
Diversity and Inclusion Resources for Curricula: Race, Social Class, LGBTQ, Gender, Indigeneity, Nationality, Disability, Intersectionality, Black Lives Matter in Schools
Salisbury University
https://libraryguides.salisbury.edu/c.php?g=903753&p=6507941

Writing Beyond Race / the imperialist white supremacist capitalist patriarchy
Carnegie Mellon University
https://www.library.cmu.edu/blog/back-stacks/02152019

Restorative Justice
Innocent Project
https://www.innocenceproject.org/restorative-justice-helping-exonerees-and-victims-heal/

Decriminalization and Law Reform:

Race Decriminalization and Criminal Legal System Reform
New York University Law
https://www.nyulawreview.org/online-features/race-decriminalization-and-criminal-legal-system-reform/

Decriminalisation or legalisation: injecting evidence in the drug law reform debate
University of New South Wales: Sydney
National Drug & Alcohol Research Center
https://ndarc.med.unsw.edu.au/blog/decriminalisation-or-legalisation-injecting-evidence-drug-law-reform-debate

National Alliance on Mental Illness
https://www.nami.org/getattachment/Get-Involved/NAMI-National-Convention/Convention-Program-Schedule/Hill-Day-2017/FINAL-Hill-Day-17-Leave-Behind-_De-Criminalizing-Mental-Illness.pdf

Humanism:
American Humanist Association
https://americanhumanist.org/what-is-humanism/

People can change 15%
Modern Family Season 1 Episode 13: "Fifteen Percent"

Human Rights Watch
https://www.hrw.org/

...sleepy
will update...

Version sent to Portland Mercury:
My social media accounts seem compromised.

When people are dependent they are at risk of being exploited.

I see and effort to push people into a state of dependency. I want to believe this could be stopped if powerful people cared, if they are made aware, but we may all be up against forces who hold power beyond anything the average person could fathom.

We were kept in the dark on purpose. Perhaps we never got real change because it's in the best interests of whoever is most in power to keep us this way.

Most people want to extend gratitude when they are helped, but if you understood that "help" was working against you, exploiting & hurting you - would you want to accept it unless you saw no other choice? Try to find another way. Make another way. Try to work with a sense of peace - I'm afraid the powerful will take it as an excuse to destroy us otherwise.

Maybe you personally are comfortable right now. Those who are at an advantage in any system or situation are the least likely to want change, even if that system puts so many more in crisis.

I could be wrong, but I see how people may be targeted - why I can only guess - maybe because we are deemed expendable, difficult, disobedient, or just different.

Maybe they have no one else and are vulnerable.

This seems to go across demographics - I'm worried we may be selected to suffer or be utilized for someone else's agenda.

Be careful who and what you trust.
I have seen too many patterns repeat - and if it could help save anyone's life  - it's worth it.

May we define what it means to be Human in such a way that has space at the table for everyone.