The last three months have been surreal.
Pandemic shutdown. Eerie quiet punctured by roars of sound that have ripped out my ear canals and sent shock waves through my system. People screaming - horrible things: "go home stay home" and "I hope you die". Fear of getting sick. Fear of deliberately being made sick. Fear of "tracers". Protest infiltrators. Police brutality. Snatch-and-grab kidnappings. Garbage cans being set on fire. False flags. Severe injuries from munitions. Dangers of CS Gas. Dangers of expired CS gas. No one knows the long term damage because it hasn't happened on this scale yet. Protesters are arrested and let go without charges but their mugshots are posted online for people to find who might want to hurt them. Prisoners inside the justice buildings inadvertently gassed too. Every night is another war crime or a civil rights violation recorded in plain sight - but it's as if it's all too much for anyone, even the ACLU, to do anything about - at least not very quickly. Four cops pick someone out of the crowd, tackle them, pepper spray them in face while being held on the ground, punching them in the head. A girl is pat down and another protester asks if there's a lady officer to do it. Cop replies "how do you know I don't identify as a female?" and they laugh. They arrested a woman who, a couple years ago, was ignored when she reported a man harassed and attacked her. That man went and murdered two people on a max train the next day. They tell press to disperse when they have a right to stay. Declaring riots within minutes which allows them to use munitions. It's as if they're trying to get people to want to defund them. Or they're retaliating with impunity - I don't know what's more frightening. News media and politicians painting protesters in a negative light, stirring proud boys to counter-protest. Making you question just who runs this town, or if the philosophy of progress made Portland a target. Over 100 days, the people march until midnight when the crowds thin and cops start bull rushing remaining protesters who try to get away, throwing back canisters thrown at them. Feels like there's no one to really call for help; desperately whispering the question: "who polices the police?" but no one answers me because I'm sitting here all alone, by myself, reading updates from Twitter and hearing booms go off in the distance since June. Or, a few times, right on my street, around 3am. Despite the clubs being shut down, I've given up trying to sleep at night. Don't know if I'm more lucky or cursed not to have a job right now. I don't understand how so many people kept going to work. People openly coughing and spitting and sneezing. And then there are those who have no shelter in which to shelter-in-place. That could be me, that could be me, why isn't there more help for them? Do they not know what's available to them? Do they need different kinds of help? Street sweepers at night spraying stale water I can smell in my apartment while people sleep directly on the ground in the path of the spray. When you calculate every danger, it starts to feel like a holocaust. Social murder. Stacking variables, stacking threats, pushing us into cognitive dissonance. All of downtown psychologically tortured, textbook definition, and then into the neighborhoods. Portland had its deadliest month in 30 years, 150 rounds fired near where I used to live. A man ran over a motorbike and brandished a gun, but was let go. Man shot into the crowd, casings collected. Man was shot and died. I know he was "on the wrong side" but the whole point of the protests was that people should not be dying this way, even him. Man who was suspected of shooting the man was shot by police and died. I do not know his name, and I find that strange. Forest fires break out. Air quality: Hazardous. People have been calling this a "smoke break" from the protests. If it isn't the end of days, it sure looks like it. They say being out in the air is like smoking 15 cigarettes. I don't want to die, but good god I want a cigarette. I know that isn't logical, but come the fuck on, I'm stressed. Every day closer to possible eviction, I filled out some paperwork, but I don't know if I'm going to get any help. Another check for $1,200 isn't going to cover it, and I can't believe our government would let people hang in the balance this long - why not implement something earlier so people weren't scared all summer - unless that's what you wanted? Can't breathe outside the system, can't breathe inside the system. Don't hold your breath that this world will get better without everyone's help, or that this is the end of it.
You've lived through 2020 without me, but if I could have done anything to make the world a little less horrifying for you, I would have wanted to.
From COVID to police corruption, I don't know the exact nature of your struggle and you don't know mine - but I want you to know there's still love for you coming from this direction of the planet.
And yes maybe to some degree I'm just telling you what I need to hear right now but good goddamn if you need to hear it too then I don't mind.
If there was so much as a single second when you wondered "where the hell is Laura?" and wished I was here, wished I was messaging you, I'm so, so sorry.
I'm honored to have even crossed your mind and I wish you knew that's how you matter to me.
Please take a moment, close your eyes, breathe in deep, slow, as if inhaling the intention of these words and say to yourself "I am loved" and know I only want good things for you. Know that there is at least one person in this universe who is rooting for you and wants you to survive and thrive. I'm sure there are others, but you've got at least one.
I haven't been using facebook due to concerns with privacy and corruption. I want to be here and engaged with you, I'm sorry I haven't been, and I'm not entirely sure what to do about it now.
It's important to me that I tell you this. Even if we barely know each other, we don't talk anymore, we're Milt family or Ithacans or had some other adventure together, or we've unfriended/blocked each other and you're here reading this because maybe you do actually miss me - I just don't want you to be alone anywhere facing the apocalypse by yourself.
I hope you'll take this love I'm trying to send your way and you'll feel a little better. 💜 Intersectional solidarity! BLACK LIVES MATTER!
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