PTSD-ed Off

ORIGINAL POSTING: 12/9/17 12:37PM

Someone scared me today. I screamed. Tried to be a human and friendly but I was freaking out. My old housedad timewarped to the forefront of my mind. Pretty much ran away. They apologized but I couldn't look at them. I just said 'oooh, it's okaaay' and left as fast as I could.

Should have said "don't worry, it's not you so much as it's my whole life collapsing in on itself."

I feel like I keep saying the same things over and over and it takes years for anyone to listen. For it to sink in. To be understood. To be believed. And even then who says you will care?

My gram was my legal guardian. I saw her take her last breath. My mom was there. She asked if we should call an ambulance. I said no. I started doing tests on gram to see if she was breathing. I told my mom to call the ambulance. Gram died. I was nine.

Later, when I was in 5th, 6th, and 7th grade, I had a housedad who would jump out and scare me. I think he got a kick out of my reaction. He thought it was fun. I wonder now if had any idea what impact he was making.

To really understand, you'd have to know who they were to me. How they terrified me. How badly I wanted to please them. But I've talked about that plenty, too.

In college I was prescribed Effexor XR for depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I took that for almost three years before moving to Portland and dropping the pills for medicinal marijuana. It's been a bit trial and error ever since.

Now I go online and look up PTSD and I figure I'll end up reading about Hypervigilance but instead it's being called Exaggerated Startle Response and I cry but it doesn't matter and I get angry at everyone who ever thought it was funny or wanted to test me but it doesn't matter and I feel sorry for myself because I've said it over and over for years and either no one cared or no one is listening but it doesn't matter.

Now I'm too tired to come to any conclusion better than that. Maybe later.

 

6/16/25 2:24PM UPDATE:

AS IF TO PUNISH ME FOR ALREADY HAVING PTSD - THE LAST FIVE YEARS I HAVE BEEN TERRORIZED IN MY OWN APARTMENT. UP TO THE VERY MOMENT OF WRITING THIS. PEOPLE WANT TO PLAY THE SUFFERING OLYMPICS AND THEN LAUGH AT ANY PAIN YOU MIGHT ENDURE. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE.