Terrorized [never give up]

I never know when it may be my last update.

I have tried to find resources. I have contacted so many people. I have asked for help for years. I don't know if someone might be messing with my internet itself - making it so people never got my emails or something. 

I feel deliberately sabotaged and dragged into a lifetime of cruelty.

Every single day someone has been coming to the street where I live and the building and doing various things to me. Weaponized sound, pounding on my room, gassing my room, a bag of tricks they rotate like I am just practice for a demented real estate scam. Nothing would make me leave - it just kept breaking down my body even more and making it harder to do anything.

Either the local authorities let them do it or they must be in on it. I don't believe they are just unaware. I have said something plenty of times hoping to get around whoever must be gatekeeping my life. Nothing seems to make it better. I sent a report to the fire department on New Years Eve and then someone came to the street and did some kind of sound that felt like it was zapping my organs - literally felt like being hit in the stomach - and then left the street in silence - a street that would have been full of the sound of people having fun before 2020. It feels like the area has been cleared out. There is a spot where authorities park right at the end of the street. It makes it feel like I have been used for some demented colosseum, political theater, military experiment or something. Someone would be able to explain this better than I ever could - I don't understand the cruelty. It is like they perfected turning someone's home into a nightmare.

Things people have done to me have been physically and psychologically abusive. They have hurt me.

I have no where else to go. It has been a five year long effort to make me leave. I have been holding onto my home - finding ways to get rent assistance somehow - finding ways to hold on. My dad died in 2022 and I was able to pay the rent for a year and a half. That was unexpected - I don't know if that's why the building stopped helping me. They have been trying to evict me ever since the money ran out even though the building is designed to help keep people housed. I did not expect anything from my dad and there is no other money. I am a goddamn milton hershey school graduate - a free boarding school for poor kids and social orphans. I could not be more "officially poor". 

Now I have become disabled. I can't even function like I did five years ago. I am terrified every day. It was wrong of anyone to do this to me and I have been standing my ground - no one should be terrorized out of their own home. I am glad I did not just try to leave earlier and end up dependent on someone else or forced into someone else's home. I'm glad that I did not just give up my only home to terrorists. 

Right now I am in limbo. I have not been given any new information about eviction. I filed motions with the court. I just have not heard anything. Just today someone woke me up by pounding isolated bass outside (it's not music and does not go up the street - it's like they are just stationed outside) and they somehow shut off the speaker in my room that is always playing binaural beats to block out whatever happens outside. There is no way anyone can hear me unless they are sitting on my windowsill or had put a device somewhere in my unit. It's like reaching a hand directly into my room. Whoever they are, they have done this to me a million times by now. It makes it feel like I am being watched somehow in the unit itself. I refuse to just "sit back and take it".

I do not want to be used. I do not want to be some means to an end so someone can get paid. Deliberately hurt by people to give the cops a reason to get a paycheck or something. 

I do not want to be used by anyone. Especially someone who does not give a damn about me. I don't know how else to communicate the ways I have been terrorized for years. At this point it feels like people have some "reason" not to listen to me. Like they were forced to participate in the cruelty or something. They were made complicit and now it's just "my friends over you". The world will be locked into silence if they can't just admit someone is making everyone be a monster. 

Everything since 2020 has been part of some kind of genocide against dissidents. 

I can't be the only one in this kind of position. People need to say something. They need a way to say something.

I have done a peaceful protest stream of consciousness online for years now. I have tried to say everything I can on every topic. I would have liked to make better, more focused, videos. I am so glad I lived in the age of the internet at least. 

I don't know how much time I have. I am scared they will hurt me beyond a point I can heal from or just plainly kill me if I am evicted. Whether by sickness, stalkers, or corruption - I don't see them letting me get a chance to find someone who would care and can help me after what they have done to me for years on end. 

I see them trying to blame anyone but themselves. 

I don't know what to do. I just know shutting up was never going to help. I have spoken up on my behalf and the behalf of all who have ever lived or will ever live. I have tried my best. 

I have saved videos across the internet. There must be a way to give clues to the future somehow. I do not want to be deleted. I do not want to be edited or misused. I do not want to be killed. 

This has been so forced. I do not understand the cruelty. I do not understand why no one would stop whoever has been terrorizing me. Would not even help me prove people have been terrorizing me. The world must be missing because most people would not have done this - most people would not have let this happen.

I have been medically isolated, terrorized, made disabled, and threatened with eviction into homelessness. We are all being gaslight by collective amnesia every single day since 2020. Whatever this was, they will do it again until all that is left are their family, friends, and favorites.

The world really needed a genuinely good therapist that could not be bought or broken - a human rights advocate that was on the side of universal human rights: not just for the sake of their own lives, but for everyone in every situation. It seems I was not allowed to be that person. 

This was wrong. 

Universal human rights or everything is bullshit ✨️ 

https://socialorphananiarchy.bandcamp.com ✨️ #LLG #ciacab #2020 #2026 #peaceful #protest #humanrights #intersectionalsolidarity #help