4.7.26 12:21pm library

12:21pm

Library

I was waiting outside since...9am? A little after 8? I thought the library opened at 10.

It's Tuesday - that means open at noon and close at 8pm.

I could potentially just be here the rest of the day without leaving unless I want food. 

Oh good, it stopped. There was some undulating bass noise ... no idea where it was

coming from...outside? Inside the wall behind me?  

Last night I woke up around 1am to a sound in the walls 

that stopped when the shift changed around 2am. 

Like someone beating a drum slow and steady or bouncing a basketball maybe.

It stopped and I went back to bed.

 

....I am really trying to write exactly what I mean to say, but consider everything a rough

draft unless I say "this is exactly what I want to say, how I want to say it"....

 

Should we go back to Hasan? I could say "important stuff happening" but ... oh my god ... when isn't it?

I am still thawing out a little bit. I was colder than usual this morning. 

Don't you just love warmth?

Before we dive into our ever present doom - thoughts and feelings?

 

I still just deeply want to have already had a solid partner to share my life with

and I continue to feel pain I don't think I would have been feeling if:

a) I had been taken care of differently since childhood

b) I hadn't been under duress in my own home for five years

c) the social order had a better grasp on pain management and stigma and worked out all the details about people using cannabis as medicine 

 

Suddenly disassociatingly tired.

 

Yeah, maybe I am just barely hanging on but I will remain intellectually dignified. Cool. 

Let's turn on Hasan. 

 

12:44pm having sound trouble

1pm

I look at Marche and I see someone I so easily could have been myself... I pretty much was a version of him in high school for Yearbook

 

These people are making so many moves and are part of such important shit and I ... am just alone.

No idea where I belong in the equation of human rights and I don't want to be a sacrifice or used for something I never realized or a long term plan that ends up in a nightmare I didn't realize or anything else I didn't want but didn't realize....

 

Why am I not someone's photographer oh my god what a waste.

 

They made you want to start all over, didn't they? Starting to make you fantasize about a time when this will be a nightmare I had and in my new life things are better. 

See a scenario where you've been exiled to the woods and you start your own revolution and then Hasan shows up and the world actually changes ... 

Girl, you are never going to acknowledge that you worried ... I WORRY ABOUT A LOT OF THINGS ... no I do not want to give up on the understanding that Hasan is a hero person.

 

As opposed to what?

I love him. I don't want to put it into writing. 

But don't you think it's important to recognize the possibility of someone like him - who would sound like him or get the attention of his followers - who doesn't actually care? What if someone was just a rich, well spoken, joker who thought he was making fun of politics and ended up being the only leader anyone respects - what like Jon Stewart? I mean, Jon Stewart genuinely cares too doesn't he? 

 

"You don't trust human do you?" - trust humans to do what?

 

"If COVID was a curriculum don't you think part of it wanted whoever was going to link up to link up and wanted whoever wasn't to become isolated?"

Am I trying too hard to figure things out and creating unknowable narratives isn't actually helping?

Watching him reminds me what I was doing anything for - what I was trying to do period...

 

"our downfall is imminent" he said

again, I love him, but what are the chances this pocket of the universe is meant to do something to people who cared and would watch him every day?

 what am I supposed to do?

figure out if you think he's fucking with you or helping the world and then respond appropriately 

I want "helping the world" to be the answer.

Why the fuck did I ever think people were watching me or paying attention - unethically or whatever - to anything I was doing?

 

Should I be trying to get more political at the shelter?

I am so tired when I get there I just want to sleep. It is a sleeping place.

Maybe at the day shelter. I could also create some kind of program and actually teach it at the library if I wanted to get real competent real quick and turn into my best emo. mz. frizzle.

 

I have had a soft spot for carhartt.

I have a soft spot for competence. 

Doesn't have to be all the time or I wouldn't even like myself - but competence - that thing that makes me think you got this and I don't have to do anything but listen or wait or watch you work and you're right and shit will be fine - I could learn from you - that's a relief. 

 

foooooood pizza

 

For sure, getting to see behind the scenes of these speaking events has been so cool of him to share with people. Who knows what younger person might go out for politics or even a play and be so much more ready because they've watched how these things go.  

 

GENOCIDE IS NEVER IN MY NAME

YOU KILLED THE PEOPLE, YOU TAKE THE BLAME

Goddamnit all of this is to keep people busy while the ones who make the real money keep on with their businesses

 ...and some people would have loved he said 'fuck' on Easter... if he was someone else, even I would have thought that was rad - so who wrote this fucking passion play?

Do you care more that your kids don't say fuck or that they don't go off and commit genocide?!

 

 Exactly - again - how many people are dead since COVID, since 2020, and now they need to have these "wars" to account for the population differences

 

 ... just a loop of "why is this happening" and the people who could have answered are gone

 

.... what do people want?

.... what do these specific people want? 

.... why couldn't you find the people who would have wanted you?

 

.... you needed to be a teacher or something Laura. You're not really considered a professional adult.

 my response: 🖕🖕

 

2:03pm 

Oh man. I miss college.

He always wings it. Or says he is.

 

- fuck genocide booooo

come on, does this feel like we are on the brink of a war like nothing we have ever known or ....

some shit happened five years ago and this has been damage control....

 

2:09pm "I am no longer alone. Neither are you."

 

2:14pm "WHAT IS THE FUTURE OF THE WORLD"

Third time's the charm? Talking about impeaching t*ump again

 

HOUSING

HEALTHCARE

EDUCATION

FOOD

SLEEP

.... feeling again of "how bad do you wish you could go back to 2020 and just have a re-do"?

 

AND DO WHAT

WHAT DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND WAS GOING ON?

THE THREAT LEVEL WAS TOO HIGH AND HAD THREE PARTS:

- COVID

- Military takeover during the protests

- Neighbor harassment  

 

Where are the protesters now?

How much was an excuse to control the population?

How much of this will always be about bringing people together so you can easily dispose of the people you don't like - never letting the truth win, only act as a magnet

The idea I shouldn't even mention it - just hope everyone is legit and nothing fucked is happening - but come the fuck on - how much do you need to be told to know for sure something fucked is ALWAYS going on - even with good intentions.

 

RIGHT?!

 

"doesn't matter who you are, where you come from, you deserve to live a long and healthy life ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD"

 

 

The image of candyland capitalism comes to mind again where they wanted the loop to go this way - wanted people kept in poverty and forced to fight for a chance to establish yourself into the system and turned against the dissidents that knew it was all bullshit

 

 

 

2:33pm

A guy was sitting in the chair next to me and lost his spot - left and came back - and I don't know him at all and this is so overblown but it's making me tearful

 

I am overwhelmed

 

It feels good to hear this rhetoric again, to feel like I am somehow still actively connected to this world because I paid attention ... but I don't know people, I am not like Summer Lee or even Hasan Piker ... I'm practically an oracle living in a cave - even unhoused - compared to being "actively connected" to a community this way

 

And wouldn't they love to get people to romanticize being some lonely figure when they isolate us and make us do shit

 

Yeah but hasn't there also been a fucked pressure to be social and in community and useful to others and all that?

How could it be both?

 

Good question: WHY ARE WE THERE 2:37pm 

And Abdul's response is "Netanyahu has wanted to have a war for 40 years and he found a dumb ass horrible enough to do it" 

 

Remembering  The American Israel Public Affairs Committee (AIPAC) as an example of what a PAC even is

 

And then "WE LOVE OUR JEWISH NEIGHBORS"

Which weirdly still feels alienating because I'm an atheist religiously speaking. 

I'm half jewish genetically speaking - and half a bunch of other stuff. 

Two tests came back about me being jewish too, by the way, it's as official as I could be. 

Wonder if the whole structure of categories would be different years from now.

Man what do the people do who we never talk about? 

 

Actual morality: 

"Righteous opposition to the destruction of people"

Believe in people

Stand up for the values of people

Not which people

People as a species 

 

Basically, thou shall not kill, dumbass

 

Just as he was ending his speech a mom and her two kids come into the library and the kid goes "hey mommy" in a textbook little kid voice and I remember I never really had a mom and there is no memory of "hey mommy" or "explain this to me" or anything even close. Gram was my legal guardian. I suddenly feel a lot less like "people" - like a person who understands what anyone else wants besides to enjoy their own one life.  I don't have the same memories, I didn't have the same situations, but here's what we have in common as human beings - anatomy, basic psychology, needs, wants, how we can be fucked with, what we could be doing with our time and energy - isn't that enough just to understand people on a regular day to day basis? And to want the best for everyone?

I don't hate anyone as an individual. I am wary. There are some people I hope I never cross paths with on earth again, unless they were there to say sorry. But I don't seek them out or look for revenge or want to do something to them - I just let everything go and try to navigate the memories. Some might think that means you don't really love anyone either because you'd hate anyone who hurts anyone you love, but that can be used to turn people into security dogs and that's not love either...

 

Imagine just being some girl person with cool hair who shows up and does photography of progressive political candidates...

What have you been working for? What have you been fighting for? What has everything been about?

You have your own sandcastle and you're trying to make it worth building.

Friends might have gone spinning off into the multiverse and I hope they're doing what they think is important too... 

 

honest, direct, specific

....what do I think about, and who is talking about it?

Everyone hates everything and just wants to feel cool and better

 

A little kid voice over an image of the planet and every city and town: Hey guys, did you happen to kill everyone during COVID and now you're just trying to waste time until we get past this point in history or you're trying to make the numbers look right so the future won't figure it out?

 

Laura, how did you forget these people wanted to induce the second coming? Remember? That's why they were obsessed with the apocalypse... They wanted to be "The Last Generation".

 

Well now what? Are we all just waiting to die? 

Are we the only people who are left?

Is there enough to continue the planet or is the horrible hollow feeling part of knowing so many more are gone than I could ever calculate? Are there some grandparents rubbing their hands together and saying "Oh good, they'll be more worried about each other forever now and we have given people the gift of giving a shit and having community"... 

You could see where that might have been the point of COVID. One of the points. I don't travel. How or why would I? Am I kind of trapped now? I wanted to see the world, but I didn't want to spend my whole life in another world - I wanted to have friends and be cool which meant being a kind of hero I guess - our idea of cool got intersectional and way more kind than some bogus idea that the "cool" kid was a jerk. Instead of "popular" they should just be called "known" kids.  The popular kids and the cool kids were not always the same kids - our school had some groups of friends that tended to hang out but we didn't really do the breakfast club thing - the idea was to be everything at the same time - "a brain, an athlete, a basket case, a princess, and a criminal".

 

I'm getting hungry. It looks like they have some kind of program scheduled in the big room. 

 

It's 3pm and I am super cold. Oh my god and my phone has been charging since I got inside at noon and only has 16% battery right now.... 

 

3:14pm Heeeeey why didn't you tell me I looked .... strained 

 

Whether I would ever know shit about DC brain or NYC brain or Michigan brain or even Portland brain .... when you put it that way sounds bonkers but what do I know? Hunter S. Thompson should have been president and he died instead. I'm kind of kidding, but you know the absurdists had a point. 

 

....oh. 

 

What did they say? RuPaul's what?

And they are leaving. It is over. They had an important day. I watched.

 

Yeah there's a massive disconnect between my notes and following along with Hasan's stream. Guess you're just gonna have to keep me around lol ....... long stare .......

 

Henrietta Lacks

 

It's not that a corporation raised me...but....what, am I supposed to just explain the school owns the company instead? I never met anyone who ran the company I'm pretty sure. Then there's the trust company in the middle of it. 

 

Moral Injury: I am anti war and against predatory capitalism and sometimes it looks like my life was raised by the military take over of this school I went to.... how do you not take it personally unless you're braindead? Or just never knew what to know to know what was up...fair.

 

..... misunderstanding machine .....

 

please don't make me cry in public

 

3:43pm

 

take time

take your kids to the science center

play educational games with them in the middle of the room for a couple hours

take time

 

Kinda feels like voting was bogus right now but it's supposed to be real some day

 

3:47pm - "we are going through authoritarianism" ...could someone stop the evictions into homelessness please holy fuck....especially for the elderly - LET PEOPLE DIE IN THEIR HOMES

 

Fucking pull someone out of their home and make them die in a homeless shelter

or at the hospital 

you're fucking evil 

 

I've seen the ambulance come to the shelter five times since I started sleeping there in February 

 

 

When the fuck ever do people sleep in the same great big room? 

The military, shelters, maybe a refugee camp ... but even the hospital and college dorms limit number of roommates 

 

Someone screaming FASCISM! 

But they can't reach me

I just hear them

for years

and eventually I lost my home

and wasn't there anymore 

to hear what was going on

one way or another

 

most people are good people who want to be good people

cool, good people

 

 

What makes someone good gets confusing sometimes but yeah

 

robbed of potential

 

"No more or less human because they were born in a different geopolitical boundary"  

Thank you.

 

 

If there is anyone from Iran in America what the fuck do they think about this?

Same question as when the Venezuela shit went down. 

And - again - see how we switch around and continue forward no matter who dies?

 

 

4:04pm

I totally get anyone who thinks this whole life is a nightmare

 

Inevitable self-feedback here:

Have I been courageous? 

Not to them - not to the people who get someone like Summer Lee into office - if I was "courageous" to their standards I think I would have simply gotten vaccinated and found a new job mid-pandemic-war-zone-thing and never stopped going outside and I guess they can't give a shit - or? - that I was tortured inside for five years. Maybe it was retaliation because they lost an investment in me or something and now I've been thrown away. Or it's just another phase of their fucking plan. If I knew their fucking plan I could navigate better. 

 

So, I think I am courageous but I feel like some unknown people with a lot of power might just want to humiliate me  

 

Did they ever care when you were in pain? 

 

You wish transphobes wouldn't be transphobic once they had their needs met - but I'm idealistic.

 

You could not want chocolate cake and not spend a moment of your time bitching about people who do, you know.

 

I had one big political discussion with a couple people my first day at the library and that's it so far. 

I think: why don't you seek people out and deliberately start discussions? 

I'm tired all the time. 

Wake up - tired.

Leave the shelter - tired.

Wait in line for a shower and laundry - tired.

Be in the shelter, waiting, maybe eating - tired.

Leave when they close and find a place to be - tired.

Just exist - tired.

Go to the library - do a stream - catch up on news - charge devices - tired.

Go to the grocery story - go to the bathroom - microwave, hot water - tired.

Go to the storage unit - tired.

Wait until I'm allowed to go back into the shelter at night - tired.

Sleep - wake up - sleep - wake up - sleep - wake up - imagine someone is holding me - tired.  

 

BITCH I DID BOTH.

I DID THE LONG SPEECH FOR 10 HOURS AT A TIME.

GODDAMNIT THIS WHOLE FUCKING JOKE SOMEONE STUCK ME IN IS SO STUPID.

 

"Whole room lit up" - remember I had some art concept of a house and every room was supposed to be what goes on in someone's head. One person has static TV, one is an art room, one is just a chair and a recording, one blinks and it's a different room and then blinks again....contrasts of chaos and music and screaming and silence and textures and elements.  "Every head's a different world" is a bright eyes lyric.

 

 

 

you're so bold, you're so beautiful, you're so brave

 

you did it

 

Some asshole sees ALL of us as just kids learning how government works, even them

 

She's 38, I'm 36

Abdul is 41, Hasan is 34

 

 

Gatorade reminds me of swim team

Wait - what does oonga boonga have to do with racism - wait what?!

 

****

 

The image of me going outside and just screaming through the streets "TELL ME THE TRUTH" over and over again

 

****

 

4:51pm 25% battery

 

****
 

"I could talk endlessly" 

 

****

 

I would absolutely love the veggie tray

 

****

 

stahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhp

 

****

YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO "TRAIN" UNTIL YOU THROW UP

****

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4.6.26 : 8:15am : Day Shelter : 12:31pm Library

8:15am

Day Shelter 

I have until 9am to just sit here and wait for my shower. 

After the shower I'll do laundry.

After the laundry I might go to my storage unit. 

I should walk around that area. See what's close.

Thoughts going through my head that I'm not writing down.

....telling myself to relax - and how much it used to feel dismissive coming from someone else.

....the feeling I had people set up waiting for me when I became unhoused and I don't know who people are or what they're part of...

....you can make groups out of all sorts of combinations of people - maybe it's a circle of christians who have some atheist friends and that's why I'm confused I don't know

....Someone has to know I'm in this situation right? Someone who worked for Milton Hershey. Or my college. Or the state of Massachusetts - the mental health division, the poverty division, the foster care unit, primary education? Not that those are actual categories...but something like that? 

....just how alone are you? (the constant joke between me and the religious)

A lady was singing something kinda vague and christian this morning about being "restored" - I wanted to blast "God's Dick" by Laura Jane Grace so fucking bad. But it would just be too - mean? What about MY personality, or MY sense of spirituality, or letting MY light shine through? Feels selfish. Don't fuck up the lady's vibe - I didn't have headphones though. I seem to have misplaced the micro b cords that I need to charge these headphones. 

If you could rewind to the start of March and if I had gotten those fucking headphones I bought but never arrived - would everything be different right now if I'd just had the headphones a month ago? Someone else pulled out a little speaker - it made such a big difference. How expensive could they be? But I have no money. I won't say I regret buying those cigarettes because it was good to see how they made me feel - but it was an expense and I could have used the money for headphones or an electric kettle or ...

Part of me says "Laura, you needed to go to the doctor. A real full doctor - a primary care provider who is supposed to be assigned to you and would do a full body exam or something. Now you've been out for two months and it might be more confusing. I could document trying to find a pcp - I don't know why it seems hard and frustrating and like I had asked for help before but the ball got dropped and nothing made sense when I couldn't leave my apartment. What is someone going to stay to me? Will they say that I should have just left - they will discount my experience and not understand what I was experiencing almost every single day? Again, how do I know this wasn't on purpose - that this wasn't a holocaust of its own - how do I prove it if it was a holocaust?

The insidious way it gets twisted around into some idea of reverse psychology - of false flags and proxy war tactics and ....

Having a hard time concentrating.

Why are you even still here to complain if this was a holocaust? Why are any of these people still here? It doesn't seem like staff did this to them - the staff would have been swirled in with the chaos too. I want to say "stupid fucking left behind books" though I never read them - I watched the one part of the movie on Hasan's stream. The comment someone made to me about "the difference between me and them is they leave and I get left behind" - am I left behind? Are we all left behind? What does that even mean - is it just a way to force a group of people to "link up" which is actually just a way to force a non-religious community to be wrapped up with a religious one from my point of view. It could be explained as more intersectional probably. I don't know. Something hurts deep in my lower stomach and I haven't had coffee and my senses are filling with the sound of other people talking - next to me, behind me - it was otherwise a really quiet morning. How do they pay the staff here? Should I expect this place to always be here? What if everyone gets old and dies or moves away or they give up on it or it loses its lease? Someone could hand you a home for free and you'd be scared of the same shit - what if.... how long with this last?

I want to be someone that someone I love would fall in love with - I've become preoccupied with thinking that if I had just found someone who wanted me sooner, I would be with them. Maybe we would be homeless together. Maybe it would ruin everything and we would become bitter and cruel to each other. Maybe we would survive together. I already said my life felt like someone was deliberately picking who would be in it - are they trying to play match maker or are they never going to let me really fall in love or I'm not allowed to fall in love with anyone they don't want me to match with or... whatever the fuck is going on. True, and what if NOTHING is going on. Account for all possibilities.  

 

Feels like I said a lot and nothing at all.

 

Spinning a hamster wheel to nowhere.

My headband looks very Twilight Zone - that's cool.  

 

Some thought processes are just toxic and I don't want to pick myself apart - I like me. I need to find someone else who likes me too. Who I like as well. Who is never going to give up on us or just go with someone else and isn't religious. I sound like I did since high school - nothing very deep or evolved about who I imagine I could be with - how that would ever work - what kind of family we could ever have - what kind of life - what I contribute - what they contribute - how long it would ever be expected to last - if you would ever find a human being that wants to spend their last moments with your ass, and you want them with you, too. 

 

8:47am

I need to shower soon  - the vibes at the day shelter are pretty cool and quiet - like the dynamic shifted. There was a lot more fighting, almost like people were acting more tough, back in February and March. There's 1000% less coughing in the shelter at night. I have mixed feeling about what happened with the girl who was sleeping in the bed next to me the past few days. One hand, feels bad - don't know where she went - don't know how much she can take care of herself - a deep sense of empathy. Then again, it felt like they put her there deliberately and she was possibly playing up what she was doing - and it's even more obvious now that it's so quiet there without her. If she was there last night, she had changed her behavior completely. I looked around and saw about 20 open beds last night and didn't see her though. I would think the shelter would be used even less in the summer when people would rather be outside with their friends laughing into the early morning. 

Lady who was singing this morning said people sleep outside to wait to get in here during the summer - that makes more sense. Maybe that's when I will really need to get a gym membership. I feel dependent on my sister to continue existing and it's upsetting to wonder if that was by design. For me to "need" her and the people who have been messing with my life get me to move... I should have been at home in Portland. I feel the same old speech coming on - I have already said this before. But I this should have been my home. Who the fuck do I need to yell at or ask - who is playing the wizard of oz in this bullshit? Why doesn't anyone think this was a horrible idea? My brain says "it's not over yet - you don't know the plan" and yeah you're right I DO NOT KNOW THE PLAN and I have no way to know if people carrying out any kind of plan have good intentions or if I would stand by anything they think. It's easy to just say "there is no plan" and end up gaslighting myself as if nothing odd has been happening to me or the world I see - as if "there is nothing to see here" .... 

 

I want to cry out to everyone "would you please just admit it - tell everyone what you did to me - tell everyone what the fuck has been going on!" .... 

 

I gotta take my shower...

 

I plan on coming back online in about 30 minutes 

 

12:31pm

Library

 

Got a shower, did my laundry, sorted out my cart (pluto though it squeeks like a fucker now) 

Walked to the library

Just remembered I have a snack bag yay

Something smells like...burning? But faint and hard to pinpoint and it just keeps coming and going...

 

Let's go through the snack bag!

Granola bar

Goldfish

There are a couple flavors I will fuck with but mostly I hate Capri Sun. Love the name, but the juice is fake. It's such a big item that it feels like something cool - like pumpkin bread - which was delicious - but then you end up with fake juice with 8 to 11 grams of sugar. 

Oranges that would go good in ramen with spices (but I'm probs gonna eat it now) 

and a granola bar

  

 I like these - they have a strong marshmallow element

 

I have $7.16 per day for food until April 30

and a whole ass potato in my bag

I can get sour cream, microwave it. 

Make iced coffee.

It's 12:46pm - on a Monday. I'm "free" until 8 or 9pm.

 

What is this kind of freedom?

 

In my apartment I could lay down in my hammock, or sit up in my hammock. There were chairs but that was more comfortable. 

 

..... side note.... everyone is dressed like a teenager today. It's cool and weird. But like everywhere I see people visibly older wearing like...it's back to the future or something.....but in the 90s. Like if that movie was set more 90s than 80s. So like, darker colors or more jerseys - backwards baseball caps - cool socks - it's fun. Like 5 people so far. 

 

I had something else I wanted to say but I spaced. Haven't really eaten that much today.

I'm trying to charge my devices and shit - 27% battery on the phone.

Gotta admit, I like the big blue chairs better. This is killing my back.

 

Wanna see the ceiling?

 

It's harder for me when I'm not talking out loud. 

 

Listen to Hasan for a minute - it's just super nice outside. 

I do have less cravings to smoke in here than if I was outside - I quit for 5 years, bought 4 packs, and am quitting again mostly because I can't afford it. If I have any extra money, I need medicine. I don't have super bad cravings now and I took a shower and washed all my clothes - maybe I could figure out how to just smoke on the weekends or something.....mmm, probably is something I personally need to just pick yes or no and when I pick yes I know myself and I will smoke when I fucking want to and that's it. Or just stop. I could see the smoking on the weekends working out until I find a person and then if they smoke too we are going to smoke together all the time. And if they don't smoke at all, we won't smoke at all I guess. Unless I already got so reliant on cigarettes I smoke even if he doesn't - but I think I'd rather he smoked too if I smoked. 

Wow, not dwelling on his political understandings or what mistakes I could potentially have to forgive or what he wants to do on a moment to moment, day to day, lifetime basis ... nope, just gotta worry about his smoking patterns (just kidding).

 

Video about Socialism was pretty good.

1:11pm

- Find a place and sleep outside 

- make iced coffee

- just chill in here for a minute you have like a hernia thing in your stomach and your ankles are fucked up - just fucking chill, Laura

- A movie that would have shown religious people how it feels to be an atheist 

- they put you through your own personal holocaust why not "a movie" about that 

- 

- 

- 

 

 1:46pm

 missed the speech today - watching Hasan

 I could do anything that doesn't cost money or require me to be super physical 

 

2:18pm

Must be getting hot outside because it's getting kinda cold in here

 

2:46pm

I want to just watch him outside

I am fighting a sudden urge to smoke - I don't want to buy another pack - could possibly go to that event on April 22nd - not sure ...

- you can't stay out late

- wanna meet someone else who likes him, possible friends

- how will you know they like it for the same reasons? 

- going there with people from MP5. One of them is dead. No clue how the other two are. I loved those people. Was there even a clue in any of our minds that one of us would be dead, one would be unhoused, and who knows where or how the other two are?

 You know - I've been very tearful ... FEELINGS UNLOCKED

 

If someone showed up right now and asked "do you want to go back to the night you and your friends went to see Chuck Palahniuk at the Bagdad and live everything over again - with the chance to make new choices".... but will all the same shit happen even with new choices? What new choices would you make? Will you never know a world with Hasan Piker? Will you never know a world with Donald Trump? Would you tell everyone what's about to happen and then they think you're psychic and....oh my god stop.

I could see myself waking up on the way to the Bagdad - pretty sure we took the bus or the max, unless a friend drove - and being so fucking glad I can navigate every single day the comes next so differently and know what's going to matter and what's not and maybe I'd even save my relationship or at least friendships ... it probably means I would have never moved though and so I wouldn't have had other chapters of my life at all. That's where I got hesitant. You just can't cut yourself into parts and say who you could have ever been if some variable had been different.

 

Talking about war in Iran 

Aren't you listening? Yes. I listen. I wait. Another thing happens. I feel relatively powerless. 

 

It's 3pm. I feel a sense of fear that is like TV static in my bones. Just anxiety. 

I haven't listened to Hasan for like two weeks, I haven't done these streams for like two weeks.

The day moves funny - I haven't gotten a grip on anything. 

I am constantly tired and then I think of things to do and have to put it off - put it off - put it off...

like uploading all the streams to the way back machine - but it's 3:01pm and I ...

oh, sorry is this boring?

yeah, it's boring because it isn't all about you

whoever you are 

if I have been waxing poetic about you for years 

would I have had any sense of love?

of protection?

of freedom?

of a future?

was that all dependent on how well I kissed your ass?

 

Even now I am not even memories for you? How is that possible?

Do you miss me at all? Honestly?

 

We have no idea if some people went and made up everything we thought we knew was going on with wars around the world since the 40s...no real clue, and no real way to find out if we can't know the source is legit.

 

Sounds like 2020 again.

- I need food

- I need medicine

- I need sleep

- I need love - physical, romantic, I'm the one here for you kind of love

....what if you're there for someone but can't do anything for them?

....just don't leave 

- I need to know what the fuck is going on (I need good information)

 

- I found a place to sleep - to be out of the rain - to have a bathroom - usually a bag of some kind of food

- I found a place to shower - to do a load of laundry once a week - bathroom - food (salad) 

-  I found a place with hot water and a microwave, a bathroom, and I usually buy something but I don't think you have to buy something to use the bathroom

- found another bathroom where you do have to buy something

- a place with internet, out of the rain / elements, a bathroom, and they gave me shoes and headphones

 

- what happens if any of this stuff closes?

 

I am just getting older

staying untouched

is my body going to get better?

are people planning on pairing me off with someone?

even if - ideal scenario - I loved them - what the fuck?!

just a sad concept

 

Will I be someone I want to be - someone who helped advance humanity for the better somehow?

Aren't I already who I want to be?

But will I be known that way - or will I only think so myself - and never have the love I want...?

 

My body is uncomfortable. I can't sit still long enough to be intellectually impressive today. 

I am fighting the desire to smoke that stupid cigarette.  

 

Just go for a walk. Come back. Get some coffee. Library closes at 6pm. Then you have two hours, or three depending on how you wanna swing it. 

8 9 10 11 12 - sleep zone

1 2 3 4 - sometimes sleep sometimes chaos

5 6 - trying to get more sleep in before wake up

7ish - last call for wake up

7:35 - last call to poop before they close the bathrooms at 7:45am 

8 - be out

- go to the day shelter, wait about an hour until they open at 8am

- oh no, did you get some coffee and you need to poop now? go to a grocery store

- is the library open?

- stay within range to poop, stay within range of charging your phone or laptop or internet connect etc

 

Thoughts of friends - how much nicer life is with people to check in with and tell good news to and share fun things and feel possible together 

 

She has a spooky girl shirt!

 

 ...but also how people tend to let you down as human beings and you end up in some petty shit where you are trapped and sometimes people aren't even really doing anything but petty shit and you are exhausted and they don't even listen to anything you say anyway

 

Oh man how nice it would have been to have a memory of going to a library with a grandparent and they show me around and tell me who everybody is and get you all interested in books - a guy and his grandson just walked by... just really wholesome 

 

someone walked in with pink shorts

nice

 

EVERY WAR EVER "THIS WAR IS STUPID. WE SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THIS."
 

You know I haven't left yet because I feel like I'm hanging up on Hasan and I know what he talks about is important enough to keep in mind - walking around paying attention to only the rain or sun or whether I'm in pain or sad today is not going to end well... not what I want or want to be.

 

Everywhere my whole life there have been people who don't pay attention to the news and spout off about feeling better for just not watching. I have no idea how to have a conversation when they haven't been on the same page hearing similar things - if they agree with what they hear or not.  

 

I'm sorry to say this again - but I need a hug. A hug from someone like Hasan. A really long hug that lasts for hours, forever, and they just love me and I can hold onto them like a lifesaver while lost at sea.

I'm sure there are plenty of people who would give me a hug if I asked - but I don't want that hug. That's not what I need. Makes it kinda awkward even. Like, no offense, I just want a hug that feels like a superhero holding you away from the void and they would never let you fall in. 

Makes you wonder what it would ever take for him to genuinely have loved you if he met you.

Maybe talking about it less and finding a way to show solidarity for oppressed people and creating programs that might save lives ... being someone you think someone like him would respect and want and love (it doesn't really work like that but you know....) 

 

Oh my god, you don't have to be mean to people to be right that they're wrong about shit

 

How much harder it is to reach communities of religious people as an atheist when you sound like a jerk, even if you're right. How much harder it is to reach anyone if you're a jerk. Being fake nice isn't exactly helpful either of course.  What a flaky explanation - I just don't like being an asshole and if I ever am you must've fucked up. 

 

Do you think I'm insulting to Christians? Maybe sometimes. But why can't I express how my life was completely hijacked by something I don't subscribe to? 

 

I am getting nauseous now. I need to eat. I need to pee. 

I need to pack up my stuff even if it's just to come back.

 

I needed a hug for a long time - a hug like that - a lover's hug.

I would just curl up and sleep in my room. Pretend someone was holding me.

But I can't curl up. It's hard to find a place to sleep and you wake up every few minutes checking to see who or what is around you. Bent over forward like you do when you can't lay down. How many goddamn people have been tagged as "being on drugs" and they were literally tired and just sleeping? Fuck you for thinking it's awesome to stop making people get any sleep. How obvious is it Laura? How obvious that this world is run like a futuristic plantation, a factory, and someone decided you "didn't want to work" at some point? WHEN?! I was an overachiever kid. I was a 4.0 visionary award bitch. I did my chores. I gave a fuck - when I shouldn't have and would have had better mental health. I have been working since I was 15. I got paychecks. I paid my rent. I did well in school. I did everything I was supposed to do and I did it well. 

Everyone was more than right about how evil capitalism is if this really is how they dealt with everyone bitching about capitalism - they sent them to and through hell and used them as examples for their kids who would never know the whole story.

That incentive to be  ... sorry, got distracted by how awful ... he made a bad joke and it was taken serious 

There is a core to Hasan that is what he genuinely believes and then he spins around it making jokes and if it got some people to pay attention, I see where it helps - would I say a lot of shit he said as a joke? No.

 

4:04pm

Goddamnit I don't want to leave I just want to go pee. 

I need a real IQ test.

Like 10 questions and depending on how they answer you really know where they stand, where they are coming from, and how much you should trust them with what... if they can even respond, remember anything, actually care about anything, are going to choose the dumbest possible option or the most unique option or just goes with whatever the people in his life think...

 

I know baby. I know you don't think it's okay to drive drunk and wouldn't recommend it - he's a teacher daddy of the generation. I like that about him. Also feels like I got tuned into this guy's personal dimension where the biggest joke he ever makes is that you don't know him enough. 

 

I should spend more time actually going through the books in here

is my body ever going to not feel fucked up somehow?

 

Don't I spend enough time thinking about "yesterday"?

 

Whole life getting wasted on certain jokes - not all jokes.

Some jokes were pretty good. The cosmic joke helps a lot. 

The cosmic joke - we just didn't know how to do what we wanted

to live the lives we wanted

 

Sometimes hand holding helps - sometimes there wasn't something better to do than to hold someone's hand and explain shit to them no one else did

 

I need a master list - 

ALL YOU HAVE IS TIME

AND YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH

BEST WAYS TO SPEND YOUR TIME

 

4:20 glitch it

 

A reboot. It got weird.

 

Again - just gotta speak up - don't think we should have made the emphasis "fuck Israel" as much as "fuck genocide"  though I appreciate you can critique a country without demonizing its people. You can also put a stigma on people that lasts decades and new babies born in 20 years could face discrimination because of shit people did that they never knew

Oh right, you were supposed to help me

Love me

Support my rights

My country

My country was supposed to protect me

My country was supposed to help me cradle to grave

My country was supposed to have all the best advances and teachers and doctors and .......

My state, my town, my school, my clubs...my home....

 

Don't cancel Hasan....and does anyone out there feel like "being cancelled" isn't even really a thing anymore either?

People have been called war criminals, charges have been brought, and they are still killing everyone as far as I'm being told

 

Supposed to fight them. Sure. Probably be a five minute conversation though, wouldn't it? 

Let me think about it. 

How bad I'd love to debate Hasan and we both shake hands at the end like we agree about what's most important no hard feelings with some sense of mutual respect

not just...a fight.

boxing for brains

 

...Someone wanted me to hate him, didn't they?

Man, they didn't know me.

Must have thought I was some stereotype of a feminist or I had anything to do with Israel or I wouldn't need him .... he's one of the smartest people I have ever been exposed to - talking for hours - all this kind of esoteric information about politics delivered in a fun way... You imagine a writer's room and they all yawn over a script for the political timeline that they find boring and were just trying to "spice it up".

 

DO NOT TRUST POLLS UNTIL THEY TELL YOU HOW MANY PEOPLE THEY ASKED

 

vote for who represents your values the best - oh you know - just figure out what YOU think and let us know and the new world order will get back to you when you end up evicted or something

 

Don't forget - I'm a scifi poet. Who are you?

 

4:55pm

 

I don't want to go but I need to. 

If anyone watches anything I have ever posted online, I hope it helps.

 

Until tomorrow....or whenever...or .... if you're out there and you care about me please email me or something:

 

laura.gamari@gmail.com

 

 ✨

 

 

I don't want "what the hell is wrong with you guys" to be the last word 

....4:57pm

 ...... this whole thing has been such a circus and EXCUSE ME for not being important enough to be TOLD THE TRUTH by whoever the fuck is in charge on this planet

 

fuck - we are watching a documentary?! NO! I need to pee. Fuck. 

 

Fine, I will risk it and leave it on the table. 

 

Cuba documentary 5:08pm

Want to articulate the sincere terror of being "outside the language" - whatever the language is. Imagine trying to learn to be a doctor anywhere and everything is just in another language and you have to work with old stuff... what the fuck is this planet? How aren't we spending time just making the standard of medicine the same everywhere?

Why aren't I surrounded by intellectuals who can talk to me all the time about what the fuck is going on in the world. I need help.

What does this mean when you're homeless? 

Wonder who is getting all the revenue from cobalt and nickle for example...

 

 

 SORRY CONFUSED - can this guy please explain how Cuba is socialist and how capitalism does and doesn't inevitably play into this - I'm confused. You want the revenue for nickle. Explain it to me through that....

 

5:49pm

 

Email to someone:

 

Stuff isn't working so .... until tomorrow 

 https://www.twitch.tv/hasanabi

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4.5.26 12:12pm

12:12pm

Library

Glad I came back to the library.

I came here every day a month ago when this all kinda started. 

Then I was sick (but not a virus) for like two weeks I guess.

I want to be poetic and direct and say things necessary and important to share.

 

I am in a state of shock - but I want another word for it. 

Chronic shock?

What does anyone expect you to do?

Where are they? All these people who seemed so involved in my situation for years?

Implied people - whoever was arranging the inside jokes and banging on the walls of my apartment.

That sad thought again : that older people designed something you're living in and even they didn't understand how it would change when they weren't around anymore.

Imagine someone building a dam and then when they died the dam collapsed. 

Building a house and the house just falls down.

Whatever metaphor.

 

My brain doesn't feel like sludge but it feels pressured. I feel asleep curled over onto myself for a little while this morning. Like how you sleep at your desk at school. I think I feel better for getting to sleep at all.  

 

There are some people from the shelter here - we aren't hanging out, they're here on their own, but I don't want them to leave. I like it better when they're around. 

Getting attached to people's presence when I don't even know them - that's dangerous. Dangerous if I miss them when they just don't come to the shelter anymore at some point.

 

Jan 21st - got evicted

Feb 4th - got tested for virus, was sick (and ankle issues) 

Feb 13th - started sleeping at this night shelter 

About March 17th - got tested for virus, was sick again (more coughing this time)

April 5th - today - not sick at the moment (just muscle and nerve pain stuff, probably a 4 out of 10)

 

I wanna cry. I just need to be somewhere and cry. 

 

I don't know what to expect and shouldn't be surprised if .... things get worse .... please don't get worse.  

 

I need to be able to talk - I can't write fast enough - or not this way - to get my .... stop saying "I CAN'T" ... 

 

Just calm down for a second - I literally need to just stop typing and wait a second.

 

I should ... um ... imagine this really conservative and powerful person who wants things their way and they were going to get a story they wanted out of my life no matter how it went. They want me to ruminate over every little detail and rake myself over with some kind of guilt that I didn't try more, do more, be more, so on. They would love for me to spend the rest of my life wasting it on half truths about what I could or couldn't have done different. I don't want to deal with their metaphorical ass.

I am trying so hard to relax enough to think. You need to understand right now it's like watching a news ticker going by too fast. I feel rushed. I feel rushed all the time - even when I notice there is no rush. 

 

As someone now homeless and living in a shelter - be it what I think is a nice shelter - I keep thinking about turning 70 and being in the same place. A lot of the people are elderly. They would be in special independent living nursing homes or something if they could afford it. People waking up in pain in the middle of the night. People who seem legitimate and need extra help. There's also a clusterfuck that seems like they are faking issues sometimes or using the shelter for some kind of information resource tactic but ....

12:51pm

text to my sister: "I am at the library right now. I need a place I can just talk out loud and record it for my own use. I've been doing this therapy method for years - if you don't record it, you can't reference what you said, use it for other work, edit yourself, keep track of anything. So you have to have a way to keep track and you have to be able to just go whichever way your brain blows you and explore ideas without knowing what you think yet etc - say stuff you might not stand by but it's fine you're just emptying the junk drawer of your mind and you'll put it together the way you really think about after you figure it out. 
I need that sense of my own space to just talk so fucking bad." 

....

It's weird because in some ways I feel better than I usually do. I don't feel like I desperately need coffee right this minute even though I didn't have any today. I didn't smoke a cigarette today and I want to try not to - I only have one left and if I buy another pack I might not be able to get more medicine which is more important. Buying cigarettes was like suddenly opening a faucet you needed a while ago and getting a deluge of nicotine pouring out all over the place and now you gotta stop the water again. If I stop right now then I quit cigarettes for 5 years, randomly bought 4 packs that got smoked before the weekend was over, and stopped again.

There was a man smoking in a car the first morning I was smoking outside. In my mind, I was hanging out with an old friend who I have not seem in years. We would have cigarettes and coffee and talk in the morning - sometimes they brought me to work and we could just talk there, smoking cigarettes, like we were an advertisement for the store itself. It was a really cool job in that way - fun, freeing, some kind of social. Well - it just makes me feel less lonely, like the ghosts of old friends are with me .... and oh my god I am getting a wave of nausea I am so hungry. Every sound is amplified. I fucking knew as soon as I typed "hey isn't it weird I feel kinda balanced today" I would suddenly be hungry or something. 

 

Maybe someone would say I am medicated - I'm kind of sedated or something. 

 

Eating a granola bar they give us in the dinner bags...I want to cry again. 

 

If I could draw my current mental state - sudden interruption - hey Laura, don't you realize you mistook medical data collection for attention. 

A very simple concept comes to mind : 

I just want to be in love

I just want to be in love

I just want to be in love

 

What if I never meet someone and we don't get together and grow into a partnership and want to stay together and instead of dying with them when we are super old I end up dying in a shelter situation without anyone to romantically hold me, or to hold back? Or you end up with someone you would have never spoken to because at some point they were the only other person around...The fear of that being designed. 

It would be morbid if someone was "testing my capacity to love" having me interact with people who aren't all there - if I can't deal with the sad old lady yelling in the night, or the girl farting and laughing and moaning while she masturbates openly in lit room - and then they say well no one is going to take care of you if you can't find a way to not be upset. 

Remember the same feelings about being woken up over and over all night every night for long stretches of time - that felt like being trained to take care of someone's kid maybe. They say the kids wake up and cry at night. 

You want to be part of a community - whose community? What the fuck is going on?

There are so many things I can't prove.

I can't prove that's what they're doing to me - but it has felt like it over and over again. Someone lays a blanket on you and you have to guess what it's made of - cotton, wool, silk...

... this is just what it feels like. 

*

1:15pm

*

Feeling a loss of everyone. It feels extreme. It feels like they could just not exist anymore. They could have died. They could have wiped the east coast off the map. Could have replaced everyone with AI. Could have sent me to an alternate dimension for what it feels like... except for one person who lives on the west coast, at the moment it feels like the rest of the world is ... missing.

Is no one going to hug me again? Ever? No one I knew and loved and felt connected to? Why do they make you feel bad for not really wanting to hug new people. A dog that lost its owner and isn't as cuddly with the second family.  The older I get, the more wary I am of new people. Everyone is new now. Trust people? Trust them with what?

I need some time to wonder what might be going on even though I don't know everything...

....I had five years to wonder whatever I wanted...five years alone

... I need time alone but that was ... everything at once, and now it's opposite and on top of it it was never really alone the way you thought you'd be .... like someone just wants you to say it's okay for people to stalk you sometimes, how else will they "help" you? 

....but that isn't a "thing" - no supposed to be a thing -  people don't just get five years to live and then you do weird shit to them

..... I just hear the conversation on the other side of the room. I can't think. My body is getting stiff. 

I could talk about what friendship does for people - the calm you can't replace when you just have friends. Friends signal that you're in it together. Whatever happens, you can turn to your friend and at least talk to them about it and they will care, they will know, they will have been there with you through it. They don't want you to die, they don't want you to get in trouble. 

.... I feel like I just wiped snot all over my face ....

friends would be there to be like nahh you're fine

 

there are some people here who remind me of being at MHS / school like when they're around, it's a different universe

I do still expect more from adults/people older than me and I think I get really...disenfranchised...when the older adult type person needs help too - yes that makes sense, why wouldn't I still need help and friends no matter my age - but I'm talking to people like they are moms or teachers or someone who knows how all the big important things in the world work and they barely remember what I said and gets the details confused and talks in choppy blocks that don't always make sense. 

I am feeling so goddamn uncomfortable and I want them to stop just having a conversation in the doorway so bad. I could get a private room instead. THEY JUST TURNED 21 like .... oh my god, are they really so lonely they are making up with story just to talk about something? Again, reasons why I want friends but you know what - I'm good. It's cool. I am too tired to sort through what's bullshit about whatever the fuck. What a waste of my time. 

Is it possible to be someone who just isn't clear about details enough to the point it always sounds like you're lying? I could ask clarifying questions if we were talking but it's not even my conversation. I shouldn't even be hearing this but whatever. You look around and realize everyone here knows each other and runs in the same circles of stuff. Which makes sense I guess. It's a gorgeous sunny Sunday why the fuck are any of us in here. Oh right, it's Easter. Yeah, everyone here is well...one of us. 

You see a lady sleeping. Maybe the other person talking is distracting the guard - so she can snooze a little. That's a sweeter story. 

Those things people remember about you ... things you said, special flourishes, how you would do something, remembering something that happened - one day there might not be anyone there to remember.  

What happened with the war in Iran? I've been meaning to ask for headphones again so I can listen to Hasan but I am being shy and I need to pee and not sure if I would have to go to the bathroom again and then I have to bring my whole cart with me... 

....they thought I was deficient and put me in an adult day care program.... 

My mind is spinning around the concept of "caring" about people. Images of 2020. The burden on the healthcare system. Getting people to wash their hands. Sabotaging measure 110. People dying without saying goodbye or dying in the hospital. People who didn't know anyone who died at all and now it's just a joke to them. Deranged empathy exercise. 

My brain just exploded:

I HAVE WORKED MORE THAN YOU I HAD TO SCRUB TOILETS SINCE I WAS 10 AND I DON'T HAVE PARENTS AND I WAS EXPECTED TO BREAK THE CYCLE OF POVERTY AND I CARED VERY VERY FUCKING MUCH AND WAS A SUPER STUDENT I DON'T NEED ANYONE'S COMPETITIVE PISSING CONTEST ESPECIALLY WHEN THE WORLD IS FULL OF SHIT ABOUT WORK.

I worked harder than I ever had to in order to be a character in a story I didn't write  

Frustrated 

Stuck

Need to pee

Need to get headphones

Need to be sure no one will steal my shit - they won't steal my shit right? How many times have I left my stuff now? How do you know when you're somewhere and whether people would steal your shit or not? Feels like vibes - you just go somewhere enough times and that never happens and just...don't leave stuff out and not tucked into stuff or tied to the cart or whatever. I can leave the stream running even.  You'll literally see whoever would walk up and take the laptop if they did...

I want to know people care about me. Smart and chill adult types who were able to survive in the system - it's not like they got weeded out - people who do jobs that run communities - and they care about me like I'm their own kid. Who have had my back the whole time or something - what sad delusion is this? Why would there secretly be secular older people who know what they're doing - who you would agree with - who would just follow you around and never tell you they exist? Never hug you. Never comfort you. Never talk to you. Just take notes and give clues and feedback? I don't want to become a mean person. A selfish person. Someone I can't even talk to - what happens if it gets too hard to think? And I didn't spend the last 20 years with friends and loved ones who know how I think and could even imagine what's going on inside my head?

There's a lady. She doesn't really talk. I got the idea she likes to be tough but she's chill. I have no idea what is going on in her mind. It's not my business, but I wonder. Like normally I would have said hello already, but things are different, and I just let her be. I don't know if maybe she just wants to be around someone familiar too - I'm pretty sure she recognizes me from the shelters, though I guess it's possible she doesn't - anyway I like seeing her here. I don't mind she's been sitting across from me for like an hour. Other people from the shelter say hello - like I said, it seems like mostly all that's here are people from the shelter or the unhoused community in general. The point is that I don't know her just like she doesn't know me and some day I am going to be alone and sitting on a couch at the library and whoever else is there won't know me either and whether I was kind of angry the first time we interacted could potentially frustrate our entire existence. Can't just say hello, hello. Maybe my stomach could calm down or my muscles could relax - wow, really hope the tension isn't on purpose. 

Tension Seekers - sounds like a theater kid thing (fun)

...2:19pm 

See - all better. 

And I got earbuds for my laptop (too bad they don't work with the phone)

Part of me wants to take a break. Walk around the block. Be in the sun a minute. Now the day is passing too fast. Soon it will be 3 then 4 then 5 then the library closes and I have to occupy myself until between 7 and 9pm. 

I am fighting to be the person I want to be and not the schmuck version of myself who is just kind of whiny and has no priorities or sense of enlightened perspective. Right, so about that war stuff....

2:35pm

Watching Hasan Piker again

I can't believe how emotionally invested I got in this situation - I mean, he doesn't know me. I ended up with a whole world in my head like these streams were a way to have a friend. ~ You need to be cool ~ 

 

WAR COLLEGES

so much for "not learning war anymore"

*

Mental images of these people who spent their whole lives working for human and climate rights and that in 2020 they were about 70 something years old and ... well there are a few scenarios ...

 

imagining elder generation - born 1926 to 1946

adults - boomers 1946 - 1964

adults - gen x 1965 - 1980

adults - millennials 1981 - 1996

young adults gen z 1997 - 2012

teenagers/kids gen alpha 2013 - today (13 years old and younger)

(I did such a big long timeline this feels ridiculous - also has both everything and nothing to do with what Hasan Piker is talking about)

- the adult generation promised the elders they would do things and then said fuck it

- the entire population was decimated and you still don't realize it

- the elders gave up on us or tried to skip generations

- 

 

How dumb do I look trying to "play 4D chess" here?

The idea I need to navigate this all on my own ... again, people are gonna put me in a test and die before I get out of the maze and I won't know what happened and that will be it for my life and I want more than that before it's too late. 

I feel so fucking limited. Energy. Muscle. Who to ask, who to talk to - no one is working with me to solve the mystery of my own life and they need help for their own stories. Why do they have to feel so fucking vicious and waiting to fuck with you? Imagine a crowd of people saying "we just wanted you for sex" "we just thought you knew secrets" "we just needed a nurse to take care of us when we couldn't deal with the pain anymore" 'we wanted someone to blame if shit went wrong"...

What can I do? Someone wanted me to just go live in the woods, just go away, just make it look like you left even if you didn't - that's all they ever fucking wanted and probably for a stupid reason like to make me look like a coward. I wouldn't just go away. 

.... is no one really looking out for me? and why do I feel stupid no matter how I think about it? 

...people use twitter? .... breaking stories? the world felt like it slowed down and died like three years ago. like there are no new things really - just one or two movies to make it seem like that's something people still do. There must have only been five people controlling things in the world and they went on vacation or died. 

I am getting so anxious - this empty balloon filling and changing the pressure of my spine. 

I should go for a walk and come back and then get a private room maybe. Do I need to pee again? Oh my god. 

So sophisticated. So smart. Yeah. 

 

I am trying to be gentle. Realistic. Human. Kind. 

I am trying to be someone I want to be. 

So let's change frequencies. Someone I want to be is someone who does what they want without hurting anybody else. Or at least what they want with the options they have at the moment. 

Someone in me is like hellllo YOU HAVE SO MANY MORE OPTIONS THAN YOU ARE ALLOWING TO BE OPTIONS. You could just go to LA. Will you meet Hasan Piker? Will he say oh I was just waiting for you to show up here and now we can be in love? Absurd and unlikely. And who would I be to him right now? You think he has time to just hold me while I cry about how I feel? Or that I am articulate enough to contribute to his stream - that I wouldn't just be like a stray cat he brought into his house? This is a sick, sad, joke - but keeping me in a mental limbo where it was possible for some kind of love story kept me going when I was really lonely. 

Another imagined scene where astronauts in the military tested out isolation shit on me and wanted to know if they could give someone a friend even if they can't ever really meet. Imagine them doing this to a kid with an AI video series of someone like Rod Serling or Carl Sagan. They play the videos for the isolated test subject kids that has the "wire/cloth mother" effect and the kids get attached and can endlessly ask questions even on their deathbed of the same personified computer program. 

What the fuck happened to everyone in Ithaca - there are still people out there who appreciate Rod Serling and Carl Sagan. Who understood their hearts and purpose. Who wouldn't give up on me or anyone like me. And who would never participate in a religious cleanse genocide thing.  

I'm starting to get ... bad feelings. Like I haven't taken a breathe in 20 minutes and now I feel whoozy. 

I don't know why I am letting the pressure get to my spine - I am nervous because I am deciding whether to take a private room, to take a walk around the block and come back, just leave for the day - NO! My brain cries. I need someone to talk to and the computer is my outlet and you haven't been in here for days and everything you need to say is all backed up. Well, I have 100% battery you could do an outline stream? For 30 minutes. 

 

NO I WAS NOT JUST DOING .... out of context sorry .... I am just sick of defending that I was always working. I have always been "working" - never just doing nothing. Am I yelling at a blank wall or one with spies behind it or was it a two way mirror built to unethically surveil me? And remember when I would dream Obama would come and help me? How serious was I about that? Why not? Some things are absurd but not impossible - Bernie and Obama showing up and explaining everything about everything for real. What 2020 was - the lead up - all the moving parts - something I don't even realize I should be asking -  and please no it wasn't just a "simple cleanse" right - you would never let that happen right? What curse is this, to even be worried about it? Did people who died leave us with this intellectual curse just to spite us? So we could really just let it go, let their pain go...what will happen when you are old? Will you get to be old?

 

The idea of someone so much more confident, so much more stable, so sure, of how life might pan out....and they have a high functioning brain?  

 

I don't want to shut Hasan off. I want him there all the time. I know he's just a human on the internet - I know we have never met - he just feels like a life saver while I'm drowning in the ocean.

the glass while I am slowly dissolving like sugar in water - but at least the glass is there - holding me.

so poetic.

 

3:33pm

WAR CRIMES AND CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY

screaming these words every single day - until the sound reverberates off the trees and then the trees themselves are screaming too

 

what trees would have cried about if they could have explained everything they've ever witnessed and how cruel and unnecessary it all was 

whatever is going on must be so insidious and horrifying ... easy to think even this footage is AI and we have no fucking clue who is running anything 

 

whole thing is psycho

 

oh no what if this gets real and real bad ... what if they let it happen ... what if they seriously shut off everything ... just make the numbers make sense if they already killed them 5 years ago - one day new kids will learn all this horrible shit happened for a few years and they won't realize the actual chronology of events  - am I gonna be here to say anything, what am I gonna say, are they gonna listen or call me "a crazy homeless lady"?'

 

Really having trouble deciding if I want to:

- go outside (pack up and bring the cart)

- try to go outside but leave everything here (bad idea)

- just get a private room now - or for between 4:30 and 5:30 is also possible

- are you going to the grocery store after?

- where the fuck are my old friends and why did everything split so badly...so sadly?

 

- what's gonna happen years from now and my sister is gone or something and I need shoes and if the night or day shelters closed down or they don't like you anymore or... you're just alone and lucky you ever lived....

 

I can listen to him on my phone if there is internet but my headphones are dead and I have been having trouble finding the cords 

 

I know nothing I am saying is important geo-political stuff like what he's talking about - China and Taiwan - I'm like "oh no my tummy hurts and someone tortured me for five years and I was lonely so I got attached to a political streamer and now I'm homeless and I don't know what to do" 

 

3:51pm

There is going to be a time when I am so sick of needing to pee

or dragging the cart

or the area I need to stay in so I have access to a bathroom

or if the pain never stops - only gets worse - in my hands, my arm, my neck, back, shoulders, stomach, hips, legs, ankles... no one has had any check on my head since that April incident last year.

 

Why can't I just raise my hand and anyone who would be in love with me raise their hand too and I can look through and we'll talk lol 

I don't have to give a fuck what someone thinks WHO WOULD NEVER LOVE YOU ANYWAY 

I don't have to worry you will "change your mind" because your "friends" don't like me or someone you respect more told you I was somehow less than and you listened

Everything and everyone is chemicals and drugs - even people - and they have to love you like they love anything else that makes them happy - consistently. They need to want to love you. Sometimes you love what you can't help but love - you didn't want to love them but you do anyway. 

 

"Post Tuesday it could be a very different world." Shortages everywhere.  

That seems like the most directly impactful thing they said for a minute. I don't want to shut the stream off. 

There seemed like so much invested in figuring out everything people need - how could we be starting over again? There was only room for so many in the made-made paradise they must have created. Or totally different perspective - this is all still a lesson - a curriculum - and these are just the things that were important to someone else who was more powerful and geo-politically important than you.

 I am going to leave and come back in like 30 minutes. I think. I don't want the day to be over. I know I'm not directly talking to anyone right now but I still feel like I'm connected to the future, writing a hidden letter that will be found eventually, someday. I don't want to hang up my inter-dimensional telephone. 

 ...but I guess that is a good place to pause.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4.5.26 2:16am

2:16am

This is a bad idea. I should just try to sleep while I can. 

But I want to scream through the screen. I have so much I need to fucking say - my hands hurt while I am trying to write this and I don't have anywhere private I can talk out loud. 

Someone is snoring loud very near me. 

If I charge my phone and make a plan of it, I can spend all day Sunday explaining how I feel. I would normally want to talk now though - let myself flow with words until I was too exhausted to string a sentence together anymore.

I feel pressured to try and sleep now before one of the ... 50? ... people here makes it hard to sleep... yes I notice it seems like the room is silent except the two people directly near me but maybe you just don't hear unless you're right next to somebody.

There's that overwhelming feeling of just not being loved by whoever ended up in charge of the current social order and because of that your life will suck just so they can make a joke of you - they weren't right, they weren't better, they weren't smarter, they had amassed power and thought things should be their way. 

I have written a lot of things. I need the chance to just free flow whatever comes out and also mean what I write or say - don't let it get twisted.

.... a worry about religious extremists fucking with me

.... a worry about nihilists in some cult fucking with me

.... a worry about some asshole who just wanted me to stop writing or something - who wants to take all my worries and make them worse instead of better - to make you think you just shouldn't explain your worries at all 

.... a sudden image of how I grew up...wondering if they had taken the model of the student homes and made them "unhoused houses" ... how that would be both better than the "one big room" and worse than letting people have private apartments 

I want to know the truth about my own life. How much did anyone know what they were going to do to me? What would happen to me? What happened to everybody else? How much of this was some military experiment? How much of it is some kind of cult - but not of the world's smartest professionals (by whose standards?) - just a bunch of people who happened to be friends and whatever their agenda was... 

What life am I going to live? Am I being placed? By who? Why? Will I be further displaced? Why do I suddenly feel I need to beg for a life I want to live and to stop being used for whatever...

There's someone who works at the grocery store. I see them almost every day. They are usually cleaning. I wonder if they feel a sense of community ... like they are growing up here and I am just some outsider to them. If almost every job I've had - was I seen as an outsider? Someone who swooped in and was expected to swoop out. My entire concept of a city is different. Maybe my entire concept was always just a child's point of view. 

I feel tearful. Remembering a van playing music driving down the otherwise quiet street earlier Saturday. How hard it is for me to find the harmony between the calm chirping birds and that aliveness and friendship and love that is wrapped in the songs. How the ghosts of friends are in the cigarette smoke and at the same time part of me thinks I need to quit again...

A) can't afford it, only money I get right now is from donations/help

B) I was way more secure and things were "going slower" ... my sister had unexpectedly sent me a little money out of the blue and this felt like everything evaporated

...would I have gotten more help if they weren't sending me anything? Does it make it look like I don't need help as much as I do? I shouldn't have to factor that into the thought process...

How do I explain the way it feels I am getting emotional .... interference .... and it's making it hard to think to write this. Like I am surrounded by all these people and all their fucking feelings are just in the air and I can't even hear myself think. Just feeling the atmosphere of 50 people collected, sleeping, in a giant room. 

Do I think some people have been here fucking with me/the shelter or it's even some tactic that ends up being abusive ... like let's say they had something bad happen and they go have someone stay at all the shelters who says some warped shit at 5am meant to trigger whoever the fuck did whatever....but no one there did shit and you're fucking with the experience of my day and life.

How much of your life should ever be full of people being mean? Not just angry and frustrated and human but just fucking mean? 

Story of your life got kinda warped. Who was writing it? Are they still alive? Is life going to drain out or will I have ... another chapter ... a family of my own? A partner and maybe a kid? Someone could love me but would they love me like - for the rest of our lives? Would they want kids? What if I can't even have kids? Is someone really stopping me from ever having real love? They wanted to make my life a tragic warning story - for religious purposes? Or someone is only fucking with you because you say this stuff - because you explain it. And the more you explain it the more you're stuck with the same one asshole who is trying to just make a joke out of you.... this is all vague and not a finished thought process. I am just trying to exist and exist better than I was.

An old friend comes to mind. Sometimes I worry they died and the years since have been a trick. Imagine when we are all 70, what will feel like tricks. I don't want bill gates to be a bad person and I don't want to lose that kind of father figure of intellect of understanding - seems like 100 years ago anyone was even talking about it. 

Whatever is happening to me must be so predictable. If you are forced into a state of loneliness your brain has to compensate for it. So I ended up with a bunch of theories to explain things I could not know - typical human, at least I'm aware of it. 

It's 3:10am. A lot has happened. Something in me screams hey bitch what about black lives matter?! What happened to all the protesters?!"

Everyone around you has only been here a couple years they said, sometimes a couple months. Not a single person has mentioned being part of the protests or having any investment in them in any way. I do see a range of diversity both in the shelters and outside. At least on a surface level. 

I am starting to feel nauseous. There's too much that could just wake you up tonight if you weren't dead asleep. I can't relax. At all. On a deep physical level. I need to relax. Even the sound of the water running from the bathrooms...a crash of something from somewhere else...people having bad dreams....phones going off....everyone farts but farts loud enough to wake you. It's not a complaint against the shelter or human beings - this is a nice, peaceful night mostly compared to how it could be - I am just irritated and awake and having trouble even writing this thing that will go with the hundreds of other posts...the feeling that you thought maybe someone out there was going to care if they didn't already but maybe there was never anyone "out there" ... the way everyone needs "care" but different kinds. The image of titanic sinking and people trying to hold onto each other not to drown and they both die. 

I need someone I can trust. 

I want to lay down to write but it's going to make my arm go numb. 

Feels like I am crying out for help...but from who? I need a minute to collect myself. And someone starts moaning weird. I just want to be alone to think right now and I miss my apartment. Deeper, I miss having someone I love with me and I could have just hugged them closer right now...

3:26am

3:38am

Someone is yelling out for help and sound like they're in pain. Staff is not coming over to check. They aren't getting up to ask or calling out for staff. It's not a hospital or the health center, it's just an overnight shelter. 

I can't help them. I also resent feeling trained and man wouldn't it be awesome if I was useful maybe someone would have "given me opportunities" if they could use me for something they couldn't or didn't want to do.

I feel threatened kinda constantly but that's actually scary - they did all this shit to me to try and get some use out of me. Or to make you wonder who will ever be there for you in the night when you're in pain. I have been alone and in pain - I would have rather had someone who loved me. Like a partner, like my person. 

I see how many people are lonely - need nurses - but they are not my partner person. It's emotional manipulation to create an expendable workforce for the benefit of people who - honestly would they have ever given a shit about you either? "Answering the call to serve"... the air is starting to smell stale and farty.