11/20/2020: Running [II]

We wanted to fly so badly

but didn't realize flying was like running with your arms

six miles high in the sky

and our wings would get tired

and sometimes we might even pass out

and fall through the clouds to our deaths

11.9.2020: 10:07pm

gonna be so mad if I find out I didn't need to be half as nearly as whatever it is that I am

skin peeling from inside my mouth

maybe too much medication

mixing toothpaste and orajel (20% benzocaine) with these benzonatate pearls 

brushing my teeth seven times a day

they've never been cleaner

oh my god does it hurt when the numb fades

should be the happiest I've been all year otherwise

biden won so there's that

there's at least four years of that

and kamala harris

would still be cool if she passed nationwide legalization and then released and gave money to everyone incarcerated for cannabis and non-violent drug offenses (at least that's a start)

hey multiple states just passed a lot of new laws 

who knows what kind of future is possible if love can get ahead of greed

if enlightenment can catch up before ignorance twists the view

got help with my electric bill - grateful these programs exist

wonder what makes them tick

hopefully will get help with rent too

still don't know yet

amazing really that's even an option

and if it isn't for everyone

why not?

could that be something good

to come out of this mess?

is it so weird that I'm hellbent on helping the planet

or weird that absolutely everyone else isn't?

just that I don't do shit

lemme know when you get something done, bitch

maybe it's not the wanting to

but the thinking I could

but isn't that what we instill

isn't that what they tell us

you could be the one 

that changes everything

someone will be

why not you or me

why not both

11.8.2020: can we get them back?

I'm someone with dreams

watching the potential in my life

being plucked out like bright stars from black sky

my world slowly dimming

as other people

who do nothing that I can see

keep annoying and distracting me

takes everything to not let the frustration consume me

it's difficult

but I do not want to be that person

I don't want to let them ruin that for me too

where did their dreams go?

can we get them back?

Alex Trebek Forever

Alex Trebek died

I need gram to still be alive

I need to talk to her

to go back to the house where we used to live

with her sitting there on the couch

a cloud of lubriderm and cigarette smoke

where she'd watch wheel of fortune and jeopardy

where she took her last breath

and just suddenly shout

what the fuck, gram?!

but I'll probably settle for just rolling over

and going back to bed instead

you start to realize all your heroes

won't be around to see you make it

if you ever do

if ever

11.8.2020: loneliness is its own kind of painful

wake up alone

sore teeth

snot tinged with blood

wonder if anyone who ever said they loved you

still does

or did

or if you could trust them again

either way

is this really what someone wanted for me

to be alone

to be broken

to be struggling

to feel like such a nothing?

not that I'm complaining

not that I'm saying I don't want to live

(I do want to live.)

feels as if I can't complain

no longer allowed somehow

can't say anything

or that's just another reason I'm a pain in the ass

things went from personal preference

to life and death

really fucking quick

I wouldn't wish these feelings on anyone

why would anyone be so vicious towards me

just because they could

how could anyone who ever knew me think I deserved this

it must be in my head

just afraid that's what they think

but if it's true

where are they then

where are my friends?

how did I seem to misplace them?

and so many?

starts to get easier to think

maybe they never cared for me at all

but that's insulting if they did

and I miss them

and wish they were still around

does anyone wish I was still around?

(you'll never get an answer if you only ask the air)

is it really just time to go it alone

or am I kidding myself

look at my broken teeth

my thinning hair

swollen feet

as if to say

look at how unloved I am

        I'm falling apart

why is it like this

                 I will be gone and no one will notice

there must be some mistake

                                     how could you not love me at all

why is it like this

                                              how could I be so stuck on people who didn't even like me

for anyone?

11/7/2020: something healing

6pm 

Feeling a million times better, oh my god

How do I convey the relief? The difference between this and that agony?

I'm talking about both my toothache and the election

Just as I shouldn't take this to mean I can skip seeing a dentist

we shouldn't think everything is fixed now that Biden's president

but on both counts I prefer right now to how it's been

that's for certain

the pain is exhausting

but now that I feel better

I don't want to waste time

couldn't think

couldn't draw

couldn't eat

couldn't sleep

tried sitting up

with water in my mouth

that did not work out well

finally caved and bought some orajel

lucky to have the means

thought it wasn't working at first

but it's just been a dull discomfort for at least an hour or two

far reduced from the way the pain would grow up my face

like when characters get poisoned in superhero movies

the way it shot through my gums

top and bottom teeth

drilled through my ear

up around my sinuses

carving into my head

how could anyone suffer through that for long

hurts so bad you can't see

I told him he made me feel expendanble

and he - being who taught me the word and the concept - replied

that he felt expendable too

but I just needed to hear that people were not

we don't live in soylent green

that's not the episode of twilight mirror limits that we're watching

If anything today should be celebratory

I suppose it is

I only just started being pain free about an hour ago

maybe I just need time to adjust

and I can feel my full happy

6:25pm

what will the next four years

or even just one

bring us?

this is why I wish for

as little pain as possible

oh man no one should have to

ever feel that

go through that

ugh it's awful 

all my joints are swollen on my right side

well that's not good

already taken between 12 and 15 naproxen today 

2 ml of rso

orajel 

I don't want to 

but I think I should try to 

go back to

sleep again

something healing

like a cat purring

11/6/2020: toothache [at least PA turned blue / at least Georgia turned blue]

6 o'clock this morning

PA turned blue

then Georgia turned blue

Will they stay that way?

Don't want to call victory just yet.

But almost there.

*

I'm in tremendous pain

but I've found an easy fix

just keep rinsing the left side of my mouth

with water

every 2 or 3 minutes

otherwise the pain grows up along my face

it shrinks back and subsides almost instantly when I do this

just doesn't last as long as I wish it would

I'm going to have to see a dentist

oh my god I hate this

*

at least PA turned blue

at least Georgia turned blue

wish I could enjoy it

longer than 2 or 3 minutes

*

why now?

went all summer

had a filling fall out

been in my mouth since I was 7 years old

but there's been no pain until now

stretches up along my face

digs into my ear

reaches into my forehead

and like magic

disappears 

as soon as I rinse again

what is with that?

so much important stuff going on

and I'm distracted 

wish I had never eaten

whatever it was 

that caused this

*

at least PA turned blue

at least Georgia turned blue

11/5/2020: wait

7:30 in the morning

Been staring at the same numbers for what feels like two days now.

264 to 214.

It was 213 for a while and I don't know where the last number came from.

People are still able to submit fixed ballots by 5pm today, at least in Florida.

I can't imagine they can say with true officiality anything until at least Friday night then right?

And it could all be different again by Monday.

Hell they could drag out the results for months.

Contest it, go to the supreme court.

The most fucked up tv show on earth.

I'm in pretty severe pain

It's bad

I've been taking naproxen 

at least I got more of that

but it was meant to be for cramps

I've taken about 10 since yesterday already

I manage to fall back asleep

I wake up and the pain is gone

but it comes back

and stretches through my face, into my ear

the whole left side of my head hurts

I don't really understand what makes it come and go

should I just not eat?

was it the sugary treats I brought for the election?

does how I've been feeling have to do with too much salt?

a sudden change in diet?

I've been dizzy to the point I couldn't stay standing

so thirsty

did the fuckers get me sick?

or no 

I did that

just couldn't stop eating

if the food had been cigarettes

I would've smoked a whole pack

and felt just as awful

in other ways too I'm sure

the way it'd coat my throat and lungs

whenever I'd over do it

These feel like the last moments

before the world changes

one way or another

something's gotta happen

someone's gotta win

be declared the victor

This could be the last time

for the next four years

that you held your breath

hoping

not to be let down

for something good to happen

a best possible outcome

please

don't flip to red, Nevada

please

stay true blue

11/3/2020: running [poem]

 running

You either run for office

or you run away from cops

who want to beat someone up

give em a reason or sometimes not

or you run away by plane or train 

never stay in one place too long

to make enough friends who would be there for you in the end

run like a stocking

like paint on a wall

a festering sore

something you might find ugly

but I've always found beautiful

like water, like rain

swing batter batter, swing

run home

like someone terrifyed

by the booms outside

why do we have to live this way

this can't be all

this can't be everything

Nov. 2, 2020: no such thing as normal anymore [tangled up in moonbeams]

Uniquely quiet today for the most part.

Sad that good things can be so unnerving when you're not used to them.

Might be getting a letter later this morning or afternoon about whether I qualified for rent assistance.

Wish she could have just told me if everything would be okay or not.

Election coming up.

They boarded the windows to the apartment. 

You see things online. They did that in most every major city.

Expecting a fight. Expecting chaos. Will people take to the streets in joy or only anger?

Should we have been stricter about staying home, either way?

Curious how the protests did not lead to more deadly outbreaks, but the *rump rallies did.

Is that supposed to be a testament to the effectiveness of masks?

Or will the protesters be riddled with cancer in 5 years from expired tear gas?

Don't you see how it's the most defiant being punished?

Black Lives Matter, Antifascists, and their allies are just disobedient for much better reasons.

But isn't it suspicious all the same?

Not forgetting there are three months between now and inauguration if Biden wins.

I don't want to even try to predict what will happen.

There are multiple possible bridges and I don't know which one we will need to cross yet.

The important stuff: the virus, the election, police corruption, a lineage of white supremacy that is entangled in the fabric of our government. Social murder. 

And I, like some kind of perpetual teenager, just want tasty foods and cannabis, if I'm being honest.

I just want parts of my old life just before this.

Walking to work all independent and strong. 

Smoking cigarettes and singing songs.

Clean clean clean and think think think.

Go home and do it all again tomorrow.

I called it when the world shut down:

They'd have us experience something worse for long enough

that whatever we had before would seem like a dream

even though it wasn't all that great to begin with

but compared to this

hell yes do I miss it.

Now I'm embarrassing myself

attempting to ask strangers for money

in exchange for picture I took of the moon.

Why I thought that might work, I don't know.

Should have probably tried to do that sooner.

Might very well be getting an eviction letter.

Which reminds me there's another chance for help with the electric later today.

I wish I didn't feel like I'm only really useful

as a sacrifice.

That just isn't right.

That can't be right.

I can do so much more than this.

I care so much more than this.

november 1, 2020: why can't something good happen? (for you, for me, for us)

rouge garbage men

people coughing outside again

wake up feeling like sludge

fearing everyone

will my vote be counted

will I get help with rent & electric

will I just slide into obscurity

no one really got to know me

ugh my stomach hurts

why can't something good happen?