Never Knows Best

I don't know where I stand:

On drugs:
A better, more progressive, natural, kinder, open-minded world
vs.
A sociopathic hellscape where no one can remember anything long enough to care

On open relationships:
Better, more progressive, natural, kinder, open-minded, less repressed...
vs.
Power games and role/fantasy fulfillment disguised as "everybody wins"

On staying in Portland:
No other city like it
vs.
Feeling like it's chewing me up and is still deciding whether to spit or swallow

On pursuing creative ventures:
I'm just a lazy depressed asshole don't listen to me
vs.
Not inspired, too stressed, too much has changed, broken
vs.
Investing in what will never amount to much more than THE ONLY THING WORTH DOING
vs.
I'll never have enough money to release my transcripts and go to grad school


Laura, you're going to become a professor in your 30s and have the time of your life with people who have finally gotten to your level - smart and wild - or are you one of those young adult forever types and will annoy the shit out of everyone

You'll never be a grown woman
soft and dark and knowing
stocking feet and tipsy kisses

like something out of mad men

you cry you whine you bather
you rant you baby voice you nag
you giggle you're awkward you're never together
you make bad judgements and are paranoid and can't tell when you're being lied to
you're indulgent and gluttonous and foolish
you're hunched like an old woman
but you stare like a child
you smoke cigarettes until you cough
and eat cookies
and wish you'd die
but you're only 26

only only only
been hating life for a decade now

more really
but full out
this blog is 10 years old

I no longer think of suicide
like I did back then
swallowing sleeping pills
now it's a sudden choice to step in front of a train
if it comes up at all
if I let it
I can hold it down
I can push it away
When I'm stoned
unless my thoughts go there
but I guess the point is they usually don't
and even if they do, I'm still a distance of control

or so it seems

*6/13/25 NOW I REFUSE TO DIE AND WILL OUTLIVE ALL THE BULLSHIT. THANK YOU.