I never remember the things I write. The things I do. I don't know why. I thought it had to do with PTSD. But how can that be if I forget the good things too?
This blog just went live this weekend. I've never shared all these things publicly before. Only my closest friends have ever even had access before.
So I've been re-reading through. Trying to find particularly interesting posts. But over and over and over, the same problems. The same self-defeat. Shouldn't I know these things by now? It's almost formulaic. It's pathetic. I get stressed out. I get sick. I get depressed. I get inspired. I write. I feel better. It starts over. How I can expect anyone to care if all I do is ride this stupid carousel?
Has anything really changed? Perhaps. I am proud of this blog. I have found a sense of self-esteem. For the first time in my life, I'm really proud of myself. But what use it that to anybody else?
YOU TELL ME.
“It is our choices, Harry, that show us what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”
I get that. I live by that. But what are my choices now? What paths haven't I ventured down yet?
I've been sick - and with my grades and therefore my scholarships and therefore my degree and therefore my life on the line - it's been freaking me out. I can't shake the feeling like I've done it all somehow. Like I have no more life to live. A lifetime of bullshit has been compacted into 21 years - my body's already reacting like I'm a hundred years old. I say things that even stun myself - I wonder if any of this is real.
Where do I go from here? Does this mean I could live for the fun of it - from now until the end? Could I get discovered, published, and live out my life the way I always dreamed from here on in? Is that really a possible ending?
Most likely, no. I think a tragedy is much more plausible. It's all felt like a fairy tale so far, why should it stop now?
I need to back away from this. I need to find something else to do.
Maybe I'm cranky because it's 4:30am - scratch that - 6:37am now - ugh fuck me - 8:16 am - and I - still - can't sleep. Maybe I'm angry because I have things due and I just have no will, no inspiration, my head aches, I'm nauseous. The thoughts just keep coming. The guilt for working on this instead of the piles of homework I have to make up for class. I don't care about my grade, as long as I pass. As long as I keep my scholarships. I just don't want to let my Professors down - not after they've been so nice. I need to stop this. I need to stop acting like school is my family.
Maybe it's all just what xxx calls "existential dread".
xxx has been reading too. Their response, as it often is, was to send me a song. I think it sums up the situation well. Does anybody out there have an explanation? A solution? If you do, I'd love to know. Please tell me. I'm serious. As you can see, I haven't been able to figure it out.
Here's the song: Yo La Tengo: Tears Are In Your Eyes
Here are the lyrics:
You tell me summer's here
And the time is wrong
You tell me winter's here
And your days are getting long
Tears are in your eyes tonight
You tell me that you haven't
Slept in days
You tell me sleeping only makes you tired
Anyway
Tears are in your eyes tonight
Tears are in your eyes every night
Although you don't believe me, you are strong
Darkness always turns into the dawn
And you won't even remember this for long
When it ends all right
Please tell me how you know tomorrow
Staring at your shoes
Tears are in your eyes every night
Tears are in your eyes every night
Tears are in your eyes tonight
awww.. very very nice song! take somevitamin C..go get some tea (at that cult tea shop I love so much) and go for a lonnnng ass walk.
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