Everyone must believe what they are doing is right, or else implode.

I'm a PC girl. Apple computers are too much like toys to me. I like to be able to hack my system. Apples shut you out and hold your hand for the most simple tasks.

Anyway, with that said, here's what this post is really about:

I've been scared that I'm sick. I'm scared that because I don't have money for my own personal doctor, I'm going to go undiagnosed, and I'm going to die younger than I want to. My life started with a death - my Gram's death - so this kind of "existential dread" is not outside the scope of my experience. It's not my imagination, playing tricks. Not everybody gets a happy ending.

And then, there's this:

"Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart." - Steve Jobs 2005

One of the most exciting things in the world to me is resonance. I remember coming up with these ideas as a little girl - hell it still happens today - and then I find what I'm talking about in some book or movie or essay by somebody we hold up as genius, or important, or influential. Maybe I sound like an asshole when I say this - but if it's ever happened to you - then you understand - you're who I'm trying to reach out to.

I think this fear is what drove me to finally open this blog up to the world. It's been online for just two days now and already I've had almost 800 hits. As exciting as that is, it's darkened by the fact that only five readers have made comments - have reached back - and not necessarily by commenting on the blog itself.

Please, I don't care if you agree. I don't mind if you think I'm nuts. Please just tell me what you think. Maybe you don't believe what you think matters, but it matters to me. Not because I'm going to be sad if you don't like what I write - if you don't like me - but because I'm trying to figure out just what I'm dealing with. What world I'm living in.

Part of why I love writing so much can be summed up in this quote:

"It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense." - Mark Twain

The world is scary to me. People are scary to me. Further, I think I'm scary to them. The only way I've been able to make sense of it is through the lessons that fiction has taught me. People have motivations, even if they're not very rational. Everyone must believe what they are doing is right, or else implode. Our language, gestures, casual choices often betray our real feelings. Things usually work out in the end, even if "working out" really means "not existing". It's important to be brave. It's important to care. It's important to choose not to be evil. 

I don't believe in religion. I don't believe in MTV. I don't totally believe in Politics, in private Health Care, in Authority. If you do, alright. We all need hope, love, meaning - no matter where we find it.

So, in the face of death - whether imagined or simply feared - I've offered this up. I'm brave. I care. I'm not evil. 

And if - and when - I die - at least I tried. 

At least I took the path less traveled.

I've lived by my personal mantra that expression is existence. 

I hope someday I can stand in front of a crowd and say, with all honesty: and that has made all the difference.  

As usual, it hit me in the shower.
Think of it this way: One voice may Lead, but many voices Change. 

Do you want to follow or do you want to participate? It's your choice.