It would just be so helpful if I could know what the future holds
10, 20, 50, 100, 1000 years from now
Is everyone walking around outside right now
everyone who has been doing the same thing throughout the pandemic
destined for cancer or some such shit?
Or am I an idiot for staying inside?
Wasting my life
half trapped, half rescued by the box that is my room
a room I have no intention of giving up
but at this point I've been hurt by everything I've ever loved
People blare bass so loud it shakes my furniture
Roar engines that feel like they're ripping through my brain
even with the noise cancelling headphones on
I don't mind the music
bursts of songs
comes and goes
but there's not enough of that
it's mostly just noise
People laugh and scream - at least they sound like they're having fun
Some people scream horrendous things and I don't know why no one does anything about it
I want to open my windows but it's felt like being poisoned by noxious fumes
I've asked my landlord about it but I get no reply
Gave up smoking
damn cigarettes smell so bad when you don't smoke anymore
but I can't say I don't wish I could just go back to not caring
to having friends and conversations
[though I wish I remembered more of them]
as if I would never die
immortal because I was already friends with death
something like that
At this point I'd probably get dry socket anyway
my fucked up tooth has been bothering me
don't want it to hurt again
What the fuck is this shit I just read
that the Oregon Health Authority says
a bunch of the healthcare professionals
aren't vaccinated?
What is that supposed to mean?
If I could just know what the point was
how much of this shitshow was deliberate
how much I should care about any of it
that would just help so much
in deciding what to do
not just sitting here alone forever
frustrated and feeling tortured
waiting
waiting
waiting
for what
I don't fucking know
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