Rabbit
(this good luck shit better work)
(I need all the help I can get)
(and not right off a cliff)
Just put in a grocery order
anxious but grateful
that I can still get food at all
hungry, I'll wait patiently
whole days come and go
between having and not having groceries
never underestimate the power of food
It's been a quiet night
eerie but welcomed
wonder if it's the quiet before the storm
or a new Wednesday night normal
Wednesday nights were always more quiet
but it was never quite this quiet before last year
and the sounds and screams that do come through
puncture the night like scissors through black paper
5:40am
the garbage man is here again
for the place across the street
I think it's just the second time tonight
not fourth or fifth or tenth
so that's nice
his machine passes by relatively quietly really
like I already said - almost spooky
but I want to just enjoy it while I can
it's hard to enjoy anything for very long
They've banned fireworks in Portland this year
but I imagine that won't stop everyone
I'm more prepared
and have the noise cancelling headphones now
just hope it's all bark and no bite
Reached out to some therapists in town
I need some kind of help if I'm ever going outside again
I can't rationalize it
I don't want to do the work I've done before
Cleaning and cashiering and interacting with the public
doesn't seem humane to ask me to do that especially in light of all this
not to mention that shit has been frankly kind of traumatizing
and I'm not just being difficult
fun things seem like no-gos for me too
I don't know how I'm ever supposed to go to a concert again
the library
grocery store
transit
how do you avoid crowds when you live in a city?
Just love it enough to be willing to die there?
I love Portland like I've loved a lot of people
for who I thought they were
for the whole dimension of their character
despite that parts I don't agree with
and even then
not sure they love me equally
see me equally
all my dimensions
if at all
Am I going to wear a face mask for the rest of my life?
I've fantasized that they'll tell us COVID is no more
they've eradicated it somehow
like they did with smallpox and polio
and I can use that as an excuse
an excuse my brain needs to function
because now I know way too much to just live my life
without feeling like an idiot all the time
and I always hated things I was bad at
If I took all my stuff and tried to live in the woods
my ears would ring and I'd starve to death
just as alone, if not worse
I'm not from anywhere I can go back to
and no one really knows me
I've lived here longer than I've lived in any one place my whole life
and that familiarity is a comfort even if it seems to hate me sometimes
I can't even explain how badly I want a cigarette
though I haven't had one in a year
to go back to just a couple years ago
(every year gets farther and farther away)
stand at the corner and not mind the traffic
walk down the waterfront
talk to people
watch them come and go
wear my clothes
have a smoke
feel the sun
just be outside
where green trees meet blue sky
bustling people - not trapped in a box
sanctuary or prison it's hard to tell
and I know I'm priviledged
so well
all my good luck becomes it's own nightmare
it could always be worse
I must say that 10 times a day
now every noise feels like an assault
(thank everything for noise cancelling headphones - ear armor I've been calling them)
running engines spewing pollution, people yelling, banging, slamming, beeping
all I've seen for a year is the view from my window
and it's usually filled with things that I either fear or feel powerless to help
and I don't know what to do
being brave doesn't mean you're not scared
and being afraid is just normal to me
now more than ever
but in some ways that never changed
just got worse
I'm ranting I guess
just writing whatever comes to mind
because I'm terrified
and hungry
and it's so quiet
I don't want to break it
with my usual ranting into a recording
that no one - not even me - will probably ever hear
I should just go to bed
just wanted to have said something
to start a new month
maybe one of the last months
I have
since the CDC extended the eviction moratorium
and Oregon passed Bill 278
I think I'm covered for at least 60 more days
but who knows what course history will take
I keep grinding my teeth so much
I'm giving myself a headache
chewing the inside of my gums
gotta tell myself to relax
how much easier that would be
if I had any fucking cannabis
Anyway
I've been saying everything should wait
until at least two weeks after the 4th of July
but I realize there will always be some holiday
some event when people will gather and cross paths globally
and we may live with COVID for the rest of our lives
I did a lot of random research tonight
antimicrobial/antiseptic herbs and spices
https://www2.hawaii.edu/~johnb/micro/m140/syllabus/week/handouts/m140.8.3.html
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5486105/
Only took me six hours tonight to make a grocery list
but that's almost normal
which somehow lead to how air pollution kills more people than cigarettes
articles saying air pollution will kill more people than COVID ever will:
https://www.globalcitizen.org/en/content/air-pollution-kill-more-people-covid-19/
https://www.mercatus.org/commentary/air-pollution-kills-far-more-people-covid-ever-will
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7277007/
To be honest with you, I haven't read any of those articles yet
just the headlines
I just want to make the point
Not just to the void of internet that may or may not ever read this
but more so to myself
If I'm going to have a chance at any kind of life when this is over
I need to deliberately find reasons why I can go outside again
even if I have to raise money for a hazmat suit or something
or else my life is effectively over
and everything I ever wanted has already passed me by
I'll never meet anyone new
I'll never go to a concert again
I'll never just feel like walking around
or exploring, adventuring, being
anything
I loved who I thought I was becoming
even if I wasn't everything I wanted to be yet
nothing is ever perfect
because there's no such thing
like James Baldwin said:
'I love America more than any other country in the world and, exactly for this reason, I insist on the right to criticize her perpetually.'
"I love..."
insert
"Portland"
"People"
"My education"
"Memories"
"Myself"
here
Which reminds me
I really want to read this interview by Henry Louis Gates, Jr
of James Baldwin and Josephine Baker
having dinner in France in 1973
Apparently TIME magazine never ran it
because they deemed it untimely "old news"
wow, what a mistake
who wouldn't have had a good time
just being a fly on the wall
with those immortals?
Dinner parties with cool-as-can-be intellectual giants
put that on the list of things I'll never get to do
if I can't go outside again
Forever stuck listening to the sound of people
coming and going no matter what happened
outside of music from time to time
almost no one ever sounds happy
angry, rough, distressed, cruel, apathetic maybe
but not happy
why didn't they stay home too
if they had a home to stay in
if they didn't feel like something would fall apart
if they did?
maybe they never got sick like me
I was just in the ER in 2018
and maybe they simply don't care
or some other factor is overriding their fear
or they don't have any fear at all
I don't know
but I feel I have good reason to care
even if it's not how everyone feels
I just don't know what to do
I'm sick of feeling like I'm only worth anything to anybody
if I can make some kind of money
no matter how much someone loves capitalism
didn't we all learn you can't put a price on human life
oh wait - guess not...(this has been haunting me for over a year)
Does this mean that if I ever do start smoking again, it will subtract from my total worth
until they just let me die?
No, right? Because that would be evil, and cruel, and soulless, right?
Right?
Again
can't I just go have dinner
smoke cigarettes and drink wine
or just have some cannabis, that'd be fine
and talk and talk and talk
about important things
in casually genius ways
with people like Baldwin and Baker and Gates, Jr?
Am I meant to be a shut in without a friend in the world?
Really?
That doesn't feel right.
Am I just not supposed to care?
There's got to be an answer that doesn't just seem like blinding picking a path
and hoping you picked the right one.
I've thought of it like crossing a bridge.
Someone else is light and athletic and has gone across millions of times
so they cross this bridge with confidence
but I'm bigger than them, and less nimble, and I've never crossed before
so I would rather find another way around
or else the bridge might break
and so what's fine for one person
is not always the same for another
but that doesn't have to mean either of us are really "wrong".
Of course, outside of the metaphor, the point of COVID
if there was a "point" at all,
must have been how we all interconnect with each other
(intersectional solidarity)
and even if you could afford your own private island
or a flight to the moon
there was still something you effected
a ripple in the water
and it mattered how you reacted
it mattered that you cared
and caring, however hopeless things might have seemed,
was better than not caring at all
wasn't it?
If you didn't
maybe if you had
it would have saved lives
like the 10,000 people they estimate have died
just for having been evicted during COVID
(page 9: https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/more/pdf/CDC_Eviction_Extension_Order_Final_06242021.pdf)
How different would my own life be
if I hadn't spent a year
watching people who seem to have nothing
play out my own fears
of losing my home, of being alone, of nobody caring
screaming in the street, but there's no one to call
because they didn't fund Portland Street Response fully
and it'll take 6 months to implement once they finally do
and there's this statistic that People with Untreated Mental Illness 16 Times More Likely to Be Killed By Law Enforcement
even the people in the shelter just look out their windows
no one comes down except at the designated times
and if you missed it
too bad
no shoes
how can we live in a town with Nike bikes
and people with no shoes?
meanwhile some want to shuffle the houseless off to a single area
force them together onto an empty lot
and that doesn't seem right either
but hearing people constantly coughing
when I might have lived another life
with a yard, maybe even a family, or at least friends
somehow not panicking every day
that I might not have a home soon
or hearing
over and over and over and over
people saying "I hope you die" etc
right outside my windows
how differently I might feel right now
how far less traumatized
though it's hard to tell who anyone is
just by looking at them
I can't see that well even with my glasses on
and as far as the protests go
I was proud that people cared enough to go out night after night
hoping I would not be judged by history for having stayed inside, in my home,
every night following along on twitter
every night hearing booms and feeling tensions despite being 12 blocks away
every night trying to learn more so I could maybe help make something, anything, better
but it's quiet now
and the world is reopening
I feel all alone
I feel fucked (not in a good way)
and I'm not sure what to do
The Front Bottoms - "12 Feet Deep" Music Video
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psa8Om9bwsI
[Chorus]
'Cause you are water twelve feet deep
And I am boots made of concrete
I'll wear cool clothes, you could show some skin
Flash a fake, so we will both get in
Now we're dancing, we're so drunk
We are so cool, we are so punk
[Bridge]
And yes, we can keep living like this
As long as you're here I will live like this
[Verse 1]
Since when did...
Since when did "I wanna hear your voice"
Not become a good excuse?
Calling you three in the morning
Laugh at sleep that we'll both lose
Maybe college won't work out
And I can come stay at your house
I'm supposed to be at class now
But my roommate just passed out
And I cannot get in my room
Get all my books and what I need
You're all I need
But I am pretty sure your parents will never see
I'll let it be
'Cause it was never meant to be
I'll let it be
[Chorus]
'Cause you are water twelve feet deep
And I am boots made of concrete
I'll wear cool clothes, you could show some skin
Flash a fake, so we will both get in
Now we're dancing, we're so drunk
We are so cool, we are so punk
[Bridge]
And yes, we can keep living like this
As long as you're here I will live like this
[Verse 2]
I get left out...
I get left out of every plan they make
That is what I have to do
To be the only kid from high school
Who is still in love with you
And maybe college won't work out
And I can come sleep on your couch
I'm supposed to be at class now
But my roommate just passed out
And I cannot get in my room
Get all my books, what I need
You're all I need
But I am pretty sure your parents will never see
I'll let it be
'Cause it was never meant to be
I'll let it be
[Chorus]
'Cause you are water twelve feet deep
And I am boots made of concrete
I'll wear cool clothes, you could show some skin
Flash a fake, so we will both get in
Now we're dancing, we're so drunk
We are so cool, we are so punk
[Bridge]
And yes, we can keep living like this
As long as you're here I will live like this
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