Care because of the #children
Care because of the #pets
Care because it might be your #neighbor
or a friend you haven't talked to in forever
Care because #COVID is not over
Care because the #future will #remember
Care because it could be #you next
#care #evictionmoratorium #evictioncrisis #stopthesweeps #housingforall #intersectionalsolidarity
Worthwhile Ways To Spend Your Time
because I forget all my options and get trapped just mentally going in circles of worry or stress until I get exhausted and feel useless
Dear Self:
JUST PICK SOMETHING
Love,
me
Protect Your Future (mostly because you have to)
Do something you love
Self-Therapy
Archive
Clean
Exercise/Fitness/Health
Spread love and enlightenment
Learn something
Activism/Protest/Global citizenship
I love food.
I've given up smoking, I don't have money for medicinal cannabis, and I've been very much alone.
Pretty sure I have a serious oral fixation of some kind on top of it, but I digress (sugar free lollipops and popsicles have helped).
When I can't seem to summon the willpower to get into things that usually make me feel better: music, doodles, watching/psychoanalyzing TV shows and movies - some of the best few weeks I had in the last year were spent watching episodes of Star Trek Next Generation (thanks PlutoTV) and a series on YouTube called The Take - I don't have a lot left to comfort me besides my cat, sleeping, and food.
I try to do research (ie read Wikipedia) and pay attention to the local/national/world/universe news but it generally stresses me out and I end up feeling pretty powerless.
So I'm truly grateful I was able to get food stamps this year, plus there was additional COVID relief, which has given me more money to eat than I usually have under regular circumstances.
I'm used to spending about $30 a week, or about $120 a month.
For several jobs, I've often found myself eating once a day - having no food at home and getting food at or on the way to work - feeling I needed the energy most to get those tasks done. I'd walk to work as fast as I could, out of hunger. It became a strange kind of incentive to get there as quickly as possible. Even when I didn't want to go, getting to work was more than a paycheck and some kind of long term survival obligation - it also meant I got to eat.
I honestly thought I might starve to death last summer.
EBT has given me $211 a month with a $95 COVID boost mid-month.
I've changed my diet several times, trying to find the perfect combination of food I could get over and over to last as long as possible while feeling satisfied without gaining weight/bloating issues (...looking at you, my beloved extra sharp white cheddar cheese...I don't know if it's because I'll eat the whole thing in a couple days, or if it's the cheese itself, but I can see my body physically change shape after buying this, which is concerning. Takes a couple weeks to go back "down". Bread/spaghetti and rice & beans have also been difficulties for me, despite being inexpensive enough to want to buy in bulk. I prefer potatoes, but buying fresh only lasts about a week and the frozen comes pre-coated in oil so they can end up being fattening when I add cheese and vegetarian meatballs etc.)
I've been isolated in quarantine for over a year and I try to get delivery as inoften (which I just learned is not actually a word, but fuck it) as possible. On one hand I'm grateful at least two places take EBT for online delivery orders, but I wish everywhere did as it really forces to you to buy from only those two places - one of which charges $20 and the other is free, so really you only have one choice. You also lose out on a lot of deals you'd get in store - but what can you do when trying to avoid the virus? Hope the delivery workers are getting hazard pay at the very least - they should all be issued carts to help move items by the way - they've been essential to my survival - even when they've set my groceries down in a pile of shit that was in front of the door (only happened once - but still ugh ick).
Must admit I've still not found a perfect budget, and I started running out of stamps before the month ends, but my life food-wise is still a thousand times better than it's been in nearly 10 years. I didn't always have unlimited access to food, but having a meal plan in college was probably the most I've ever eaten in my life.
Now the concern is just that it won't last forever, and I have no idea what I'm gonna do once assistance stops.
I was a vegetarian between 11th grade (about 2006/2007) and sometime around May of 2012.
I became a vegetarian again in December 2019.
Seeing the progress of vegetarian options available has been a lot of fun and super delicious.
Way better than things were 7ish years ago.
I wish I had never stopped - like I lost something of myself for the last 7 or so years.
I also feel better being a veggie, and prefer it - but don't worry, I won't shove that down your throat.
I'm not vegan because I get so much out of eating cheese and honey and I don't want to get sick if I accidentally end up ingesting something meat based since the majority of people do still eat meat. They cook those impossible burgers at Burger King on the same grill as the regular burgers, for example. There can be fish oil and gelatin in a lot of stuff. I didn't eat out much before (outside of the couple years I spent only eating from the dollar menu at McD's) and I have no idea when I'll ever eat out again, but still. Might give in and want a pizza at some point or something. I tend to get wafts of food smells from the surrounding area where I live, and it's easier to just imagine it's a vegetarian version of bacon or fried chicken or whatever. I also believe in by-products because a lot of these domesticated animals can't survive in any kind of "wild" environment - you wouldn't be able to just let them go. Farms and places that produce the by-products still should be giving the animals the best life they possibly can, however. I don't think it's "too soft" to wonder how some humans end up being so inhumane. I became a vegetarian in 11th grade after spending three days watching a documentary on the inside operations of factory farming. It's truly horrible. Never let yourself numb out so much that you let cruelty like that become the norm. Even if you can't stop it, at least try to fight the apathy within yourself.
The following recipes are all veggie friendly, but you could sub things easily as you like.
I've also tried to cut extra sugar out of my diet.
Holy god does everything still have so. much. salt. in it though.
My diet right now usually consists of:
See:
Antibacterial and Antifungal Activities in Spices: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5486105/
Common Spices and Plants with Antimicrobial and Therapeutic Properties: https://www2.hawaii.edu/~johnb/micro/m140/syllabus/week/handouts/m140.8.3.html
Some of these concoctions might be a little strange, but they're also based on the budget I've had.
I thought they were tasty, cheap, health conscious - if not always perfectly healthy - and maybe someone else will enjoy them to their own tastes, too.
***
Birds Nest (Vegetarian Meatballs, French Fries, and Cheese)
Ingredients:
Cooking:
1) Oven set at about 450 degrees
2) Cook the veggie meatball and fries for about 10 minutes and turn over
3) Crisscross the fries in a star pattern and put the veggie meatball in the middle
4) Add cheese and spices on top
5) Cook for 10 to 15 more mintues until everything is crispy and holds together
If done right, comes out looking like a birds nest with an egg - fun and delicious
Eat with ketchup and hot sauce
Cheesy Crispy Veggie Ramen/Udon/Lo Mein
Ingredients:
Cooking:
1) Bring water to a boil
2) Add frozen veggies, jalapenos/olive and garlic juice, frozen ginger
3) When boiling again, add maybe 1/3 of a ramen chili powder packet and noodles but for a very limited amount of time - for ramen and udon, I turn the burner off and let them just cook themselves - by the time it's cooled down enough to eat, they're usually perfect. The lo mein noodles take a little longer.
4) You can stop there if you just want soup, but this extra step really stepped things up for me: turn the oven on to about 300 degrees. Drain the noodles and veggies. Lay on a baking sheet. Add mozzarella (string cheese sticks). Kind of turn the veggies and noodles over onto the cheese as it melts. Cook until edges are crispy and the cheese is melty, adding extra garlic. Oh my god this was so good.
Sweet Sticky Ginger Bites
Ingredients:
Cooking:
1) Bring water to a boil
2) Add frozen ginger, cappuccino mix (or whatever sweetener), and spices
3) Boil for a few minutes and turn down to a simmer - I did this for about 45 minutes to an hour
4) Drain the mixture - I saved the liquid in a large coffee carafe and let it cool, then poured it into an ice cube tray - been experimenting with putting into an acai drink mix, but might be best to turn into popsicles - someone online suggested putting them in lemonade
5) Oven at 200 degrees - I sprinkled a little extra cappuccino mix and five spice blend onto the pan and dumped the ginger bits, kind of rolling them around in the powder. Baked for a little over an hour. Came out sticky and kind of caramelized while still fresh and "wet" in the center of the bigger pieces. This is not crystallized ginger, but the best I've had was Reed's brand crystallized ginger - the bag says "nuggets of baby ginger root" - if I could figure out how to get it that texture, that'd be awesome. Maybe cut the ginger into squares? They also probably used a dehydrator. Anyway, my version was still good (to me) though, and I ate it all pretty quickly. Left a really nice spicy sensation in my mouth.
Mini Waffle "Baked" Brie/Edam/Mozzarella Pocket
Ingredients:
Cooking:
1) Mix pancake mix and water - I prefer a thicker consistency, almost "sticky" dough
2) Pour a layer of mix on the waffle maker - you're working on a very small scale here, so go with less so it doesn't overflow and you end up with mix and goo wasted all over your counter.
3) Add slices or cheese or one babybel round (not a lot)
4) Cover in a layer of jam
5) Add the final layer of pancake mix and close the lid. Comes out as a little pocket of delicious when done right.
Lemon Pepper Ch'kn
I haven't actually made this yet, but when I ate meat my favorite thing to make was lemon pepper chicken - so I'm interested in finding the best vegetarian ch'kn substitute and seeing if I can recreate the goodness
Ingredients:
Cooking:
1) I used to just pour lemon and pepper on chicken and cook it on the stove, maybe putting it in the oven for extra crispyness - I liked it when the edges got slightly burned but the middle was juicy - that's it really. Could eat just that all day.
Avocado/Lemon/Salt
This is the simplest thing in the world, but it makes my heart sing.
Ingredients:
Cooking:
1) Slice avocado
2) Cover in lemon
3) Sprinkle with Salt
4) Devour it like a goddess
I'll add more to this later but I've been working on it for hours and I just want to do something else
I think those are the most tasty things I've made semi-recently at any rate
Pretty much just add cheese, jalapeno, and/or ginger to everything and it'll be amazing in my book lol
(Except the avocados with lemon and salt, of course. Those are perfect as is.)
Oh wait, yeah, how could I forget?!
Dr. Frankenstein's Monster Vegetarian Sandwich
I haven't made this in forever, but they were awesome.
Ingredients:
Cooking:
1) Spread the egg salad on the sourdough side
2) Spread the hummus on the rye side
3) Lettuce, chips, pickles, (spicy) mustard, and sprouts in the middle
4) Cut diagonally or down the middle, I don't care
4) Eat the grandmotherfucker
Just as you would hope humanity has evolved in ways beyond the hate of the past,
you might also ask just how it has evolved in the response to that hate.
There have been a lot of different people yelling horrible things outside on the street where I live for the past year.
To be clear, they are not protesters - not in any sense one might recognize - but individuals just screaming obscene and obnoxious things like "get out", "go home, stay home", "I hope you die", "rapist", "rape-o", "pedophile", weirdly and very specifically "those two cops are rapists", "liar", "whore", "suck my dick bitch", the n-word, "fuck off f*ggot", "burn it down" - and the like - over and over without context or so much as a longer sentence. On and off randomly at all hours of the day and night.
There are variations to the nonsense. The other night someone was outside at 5am saying shit like "I love you" for about an hour, which was still annoying as fuck, and I closed my window on a light I had, which cut the cord on it. Feels like a fucked up metaphor, but that's just exploiting the fact that I'm a kind of poet.
There have been other issues as well - like someone setting a sleeping bag which appeared covered in feces on fire - other noise and pollution that wasn't around before the 2020 shutdown - but I won't get into that right now.
The point of this meditation is that there is a man who has captured my attention in a particular sort of way.
He doesn't have legs and has been crawling on the ground on his hands.
I've seen him be in the same spot for days on end.
Likely shitting in corners. Unable to get a shower.
While people snot, spit, and pee on the street where he gets around.
Don't even get me started on hearing people coughing and sneezing outside.
I wonder if he was in the military from his attitude of independence and the way he's surviving outside - there seems to be something extremely tough about what he's doing.
But it feels so wrong - even more so than the usual person I've witnessed surviving outside - sometimes without shoes - or even pants - who also deserves any help they're willing to accept.
Just hope for their sakes it's the right kind of help.
Not to forget we're still in the middle of a pandemic.
Not that it made life stop - not around here at least.
Shelter and city staff who work nearby seem to just pass him.
He goes unacknowledged.
This would all bring about a feeling of pure and total empathy from me
except that he's now taken to shouting horrendous things too
sometimes directly under my window.
"Suck my dick bitch", "fuck off f*ggot", "go to hell" - etc. etc. etc.
Today I woke up to his gruff voice saying "get out".
I've heard some people seem to tell him to shut up,
but I'm honestly surprised he's even still around at all.
Which brings me to this question:
what is the best way for the average person to respond to hate?
When you don't want to become part of that hate yourself?
When you want to fix a problem, not make it worse?
When you yourself feel powerless and there's no one else to call for help?
My first thought is to respond with art.
Make a sign that says:
"IN THIS HOUSE BEING GAY IS COOL"
"BLACK LIVES MATTER (never meant yours didn't)"
"FUCK FASCISM"
"YOUR BODY, YOUR CHOICE"
"YOU CAN LOVE PEOPLE WHO MAKE DIFFERENT CHOICES THAN YOU"
"LOVE IS BETTER THAN HATE"
"YOUR LIFE IS YOUR OWN"
"NO PERSON IS ILLEGAL"
"THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS HOME SO JUST LET PEOPLE LIVE"
"WHERE IS HOME WHEN YOU HAVE NO HOME?"
"COEXIST, BITCHES"
"A SEAT AT THE TABLE FOR EVERYONE OR THE TABLE GETS FLIPPED OVER"
"RAISE THE STANDARD OF LIVING: GOOD HOUSING, GOOD FOOD, QUALITY HEALTHCARE, UPDATED EDUCATION AT ANY AGE - FOR ALL"
"BE A WORLD CITIZEN"
"YOU'RE ONLY ALLOWED TO TAKE WORDS BACK THAT ARE USED AGAINST YOU"
"EVERYBODY IS A WHORE"
Alternatively: "WHORE? I'M NOT THAT COOL, SORRY"
"BEING A RAPIST OR A PEDOPHILE ISN'T GOOD, BUT NO ONE HERE IS, AND EVEN THEN I'M NOT SURE THIS TACTIC WOULD HELP ANYTHING"
"ALWAYS ASK QUESTIONS AND FOLLOW THE MONEY"
But clearly that seems a little weak.
Pretty, maybe, if the sign is eye-catching, but don't know how it would make them stop screaming.
I've taken to wearing active noise cancelling headphones 24 hours a day, by the way. But my ears are getting fucked up from them, and sometimes I need to take a break or even just charge them - which means being exposed to the bullshit. If I don't have a steady background noise and I'm in a certain mental state, some noises send a jolt through my body like I've been hit by sound. It's more than annoying - it feels like abuse.
But what am I supposed to do? Petition to have the ripping engines and obnoxious bass outlawed?
Have screaming outside made illegal?
Spend my life accidentally getting things banned that have no business being banned?
You know someone would use this against people for an excuse to up a quota or stop legitimate protests.
Funnel money into a program that still doesn't directly help people?
And give me a break - for better and for worse - no one is enforcing shit as it is, anyway.
People are cherry picked to make into bad examples.
The idea of nutrition and pain management comes into play.
Maybe people are hungry or hurting.
But there's zero reason you should be hungry if you're anywhere near this area.
Must be half a dozen services in a 10 block radius.
I was told when I first moved here by someone unhoused that "you'd have to be an idiot to go hungry in Portland".
I'm curious just what kind of food people are able to get on a regular basis.
It's hard enough when it seems you have to fight for the idea that they deserve the help in the first place.
Even more complicated when you see people throw the food on the ground or leave garbage in their wake.
But pain is another thing.
They did just decriminalize drugs, so I imagine people are getting better help in this regard.
I want to think so.
Can't help but wonder how that cookie is supposed to crumble.
You either pay a $100 fine or you have a "health screening" - whatever that means.
But if you can't afford a tube of RSO - which is my own issue right now and which is completely legalized - or afford it regularly enough to keep yourself balanced - you end up just suffering more. Not to mention employers still being able to fire you over it - but again - that's another issue.
My problem was never cannabis. My problem was being too poor to afford cannabis, too stigmatized to live above the bullshit, and every now and then ending up with what I think was a bad product.
If you don't have $100, do you end up in some kind of program while the guy who can afford it goes free?
Wasn't that kinda how it always was? If you're poor, you're fucked?
And are they just keeping track of people easier this way?
Meanwhile, people act out when they're in pain.
It's harder to keep a clear mind about the world around you.
Everything is dimmed by the weight and pressure of what ails you.
To the point of distraction. To the point of knee-jerk reactions that you didn't mean and wouldn't have ever said or done if you were in a brighter, freer, more relaxed mental and physical state.
I've had my own stormy days and I'm sure I still haven't known the absolute worse a person could feel.
A popped cartilage in my lung. A fucked up tooth. A mild concussion. Broken ankle. Horrible menstrual cramps. Pain in my neck, shoulders, back. A constant kind of underlying sadness that just makes me tired all the time.
But my grandmother used to tell me that every pain you ever had comes back when you're older - all at once.
Another good reason why people should stick to weed and save opioids in any form for when they're in a different kind of pain (just my opinion).
I can't tell you how much it's felt like suffering for no reason to be without my cannabis medication.
I've taken breaks for up to 6 months before. Going back to it always makes me question why I let myself live without it. I just can't afford it. So imagine someone who has been on something much "harder" and I can see why one might be freaking out in the street.
Even as I write this a girl who has been a regular - I can recognize her voice at this point - screams "fuck you cuuuuuunt fuck you" from a distance.
So pleasant, so lovely - no not really.
But how can I react to her without losing my own sense of self?
Without becoming the monster she seems like to me?
I think the city should have funded Portland Street Response.
They said it would take 6 months to roll out once they finally do.
I don't understand - there are plenty of people in all positions of authority who work and live in this area.
Why does it feel like I'm alone in this world?
Why wouldn't other people in the area have petitioned for the unarmed, mental wellness based, street response program, too?
At least then there'd be someone who you could call.
Someone trained in psychology (not that that always works out perfectly, but better than not) to come out and calm people down, provide for their needs, and there'd be no chance of them ending up dead in the process.
It has been the equivalent time of a regular job to watch the local/national/world news and the city council meetings which can be hours long. Just to watch them, much less take on a critical approach and do research on everything you're hearing... I've taken a break (aka got a bit burned out and have been feeling uselessly ineffective) but I was trying to do that every day. I imagine someone working 40 hours a week, especially with kids as well, just wouldn't have the time or energy to really study these things. That itself is a barrier to any positive citizen based change.
What other option is there?
Make art
Empathize
Provide good nutrition
Provide pain managment
Provide housing for fuck's sake
Have trained, unarmed, secular caregivers come out to assist on a person-by-person basis
Try to make changes through legislation
Maybe run for government if you can
Don't expect any one idea to ever perfectly fix anything
I've had to worry about ending up on the street myself long before the pandemic started, but I've been isolated in quarantine for over a year now and the only view I really have is of the street outside my window. It's an unending and unyielding visual and auditory sort of warning that "this is what might happen to you and no one will care". I don't know what I'm supposed to do - what kind of work I'm supposed to find to ensure I'll have an income when assistance programs end. I've applied for a few remote jobs, but they moved on to other candidates. My tech is defunct and isn't good enough for a lot of things. I'm also distracted by all the bullshit noise I've been describing plus some - a siren just went by, buzzing my apartment. Loud even with the noise cancelling headphones. A motorcycle revs its engine and I'm worried it'll leave a smog of pollution. It didn't - thankfully - this time. The louder the vehicle, the more likely I think that happens. I feel tired all the time. I live day to day. I don't know what to do.
So I've fantasized that if I ever did end up unhoused, where the best possible place for me to go would be. An idealized kind of utopia for a worse case scenario.
Maybe if my life dramatically changed, I could open a place like this someday: a 24 hour art shelter.
Somewhere genuinely safe, clean, welcoming, free. Secular. A seat at the table of life for everyone with a foundation in universal human rights. Free resources to create. Spaces to be alone. Showers, toilets, a bed - private enough and socially distanced. Food - healthy with vegetarian options. Gardens would be amazing. Maybe they help you sell your artwork, too. Where you could connect with people without being crammed together, forced on each other, or put in harm's way. I see where it could go wrong - someone in a certain kind of distress running around and just making a mess - but if people were respectful and there were trained mental health providers with secular and holistic, non-judgmental and solution based rather than critical approaches on site - people who really do care and want to help - aren't just doing it for a paycheck or have gotten burnt out - I don't know - that's where I could maybe call home if I lost my own.
The most difficult puzzle I can't seem to solve myself is what to do about people who deserve help as much as anyone else, but just aren't mentally all there enough. People who are going to have behavioral issues beyond just human variation or existing outside the norm - they aren't justifiably angry or upset for some reason that could be understood and addressed - and they're going to do destructive things seemingly without purpose or even awareness. Why does that happen? What can be done to help them? What can be done to help make everybody safe? How often do people like that end up unhoused? How often do they end up just - gone? Does it depend on who your family is - if you have any family - of if they've got money - or some other social contribution? Because I can tell you from experience, there are plenty of people "acting out" but they're doing it with fancy cars and stereo systems and expensive motorcycles or some other material thing and they go by every day sometimes literally vibrating things inside my apartment - ripping out my eardrums - having me choke on exhaust - keeping me awake at odd hours - but I'm sure if they have money for gas, then they probably have money to eat and probably have a home. So what's the difference between them and someone screaming outside with nothing but a blanket, if that - or without any shoes?
I'm not sure what else to say at the moment.
This has taken a lot out of me and it's not very long, which doesn't make me feel good.
I'm tired and don't feel like I should be.
Someone - a different guy - with a harsh tone is saying something outside, breaking the temporary quiet.
I want to help people, but I admit I'm mostly being annoyed by them instead.
I hate that.
I don't know what to do.
Just keep being alive for as long as I can, I guess.
Might add more to this later - not that anyone is reading.
It does feel better just to have gotten the ideas out.
I've been thinking about this stuff for a very long time now.
Man, I wish that guy would just stop.
I think I hear music - not too much bass.
That's always nice at least.
Questions no one can answer for me (in no particular order):
will people who have not been changed in any positive way over the past year ever change?
if you haven't learned by now, what do you need to learn that you haven't learned yet?
what idea could you possibly be exposed to - and in what way - that would finally make you understand the point?
are racist/bigoted people just jealous of everyone else?
can that jealousy ever turn into love instead?
why would anyone ever want to be associated with nazis/fascism?
why do people feel the need to control other people's lives?
why does it feel like some people still hate women?
why do people even still care about gender norms?
why does it feel like someone wants to ruin my life?
why do people still want to dictate who consenting adults can love?
why do people get to be so stupid and cruel to the point of being evil while people who care suffer?
why do people still want to punish humanity for being a bag of chemicals that uses chemicals to feel better?
why do people still want to control what other people do with their own bodies in general?
if you have such good reasons for the ways you think things should be, shouldn't you be able to convince me by appealing to my own sense of logic?
not having to make me or trick me like a child?
why didn't we educate everyone the same?
why do people have such vastly different ideas of what to do in a crisis?
have you noticed every demographic being terrorized in some way throughout the pandemic?
why did some people just not seem to care?
will the powerful ever willingly share their power?
will the people doing the most harm ever be able to acknowledge that and right it without a big fight?
will the fight always be so unfair that the oppressed don't really stand a chance?
is there a movement to try and make people leave their homes/cities out of fear?
were people supposed to learn about health and racial justice during 2020?
was that "the point"?
was it all more about classism and disobedience at the end of the day?
why is "classism" the only word here my spell check didn't know?
was it psychological warfare?
am I supposed to be terrified of police/authority corruption now?
even if I don't know what I'm supposed to do about that?
why are there people harassing me with noise and pollution as if they want me to hate them?
what is with the disturbing obsession with fire?
what are people supposed to do when their peaceful protest is ignored but they don't want to use violence either?
why isn't there a healthy and painless way to be justifiably angry?
why isn't there more of a focus on changing legislation?
why didn't seeing police brutalizing protesters night after night create more change?
did people not see what I saw?
even though it was publicly streamed night after night for over 100 days on twitter?
was I supposed to do more than care and contemplate while isolated in quarantine?
what, exactly?
what can I do now?
have I been personally right to stay in quarantine after ending up in the ER in 2018 for lung issues, or will time prove me to be a huge disappointment/idiot who is wasting their life even as I type this?
why am I always tired/tired so quickly/easily?
did police and other response teams retaliate in response to the protests?
did violence go up to "prove why we need them"?
did I get "saved" by government assistance throughout the pandemic to prove how much I need the current system?
who are you supposed to go to for help when you can't trust authorities?
especially when you don't want the potential consequences of seeking their help?
why didn't the city fund the unarmed wellness based response program?
who watches the watchers?
who polices the police?
did you notice people being punished no matter their politics or philosophy/used as bad examples based on behavior?
how much of what you've seen/heard/learned is real?
do we not have words to explain what's going on?
do we not have the physical attention span to even listen?
just what can we change for the better - and how?
are we taking part in a test few people know about?
if you know exactly what's going on - why is that?
does someone want to force people to stay isolated and away from each other?
is it good to stay away from each other - more often - or at least for now?
is it safe for people to keep doing what they always used to do?
was it never "safe" but your participation gives some kind of implied consent so no one cares if bad things happen?
what is brave supposed to mean?
should we be wearing face masks all the time - or at least during flu season every year from now on?
why isn't anyone explaining that living in a city is like living in a crowd?
why did everything I ever wanted or loved get ruined?
why are we using the same tactics to combat the virus that were used 100 years ago (wash hands, socially distance)?
why does it make sense for anyone to wait in line?
would more people have gone to protests if there wan't a pandemic?
while it's a good thing - why didn't protests lead to upticks in the virus?
is the virus being used to cover up another illness or health issue?
was it to make people quit smoking?
did they really take menthols away to punish people who had said "I can't breathe"?
why doesn't the government care more about pollution if they care about our health so much?
why not give people a universal basic income, free education at any age, free healthcare, housing for all, a higher quality of life for everyone - if they care about our well-being?
why didn't leaders sit down on day one and protect people - especially vulnerable people, poor people, unhoused people, people in communal settings, forgotten people - from spending a whole year or more freaking out over possibly losing their homes, businesses, and lives?
how wasn't the timing of the virus so obviously weird to everybody (election, protests, etc.)?
is this part of some kind of invisible war/holocaust/genocide/targeted massacre?
are they trying to "drive people crazy" or push them to act in ways they wouldn't have usually?
has everything good been somehow corrupted/overtaken/overridden for a negative agenda?
does the government want people to breed future generations that would make the perfect astronauts - intelligent, yet obedient - strong, fit, unattached/unaddicted to anything - willing to die for a cause?
will thousands end up dying in the name of space travel before one group might get very far at all?
is it all so complicated, with so many moving parts, so many individual players and/or interest groups that no one person alone will ever figure it all out?
what does whoever is really in charge/has the most power want?
why can't we tell them no if what they want is evil?
was this about equalizing everyone's experiences?
was this about negating experiences?
was this just about terrorizing people?
is the stress meant to kill us - at least earlier than we would have otherwise died?
is it a super complicated real estate scheme from hell?
was it meant to instill world peace and it just didn't work?
is it whatever your worst nightmares would lead you to believe?
is it all happening for some kind of genuinely good reason?
am I just an outsider so that's why I don't know what's going on?
does anybody (else) care?
It would just be so helpful if I could know what the future holds
10, 20, 50, 100, 1000 years from now
Is everyone walking around outside right now
everyone who has been doing the same thing throughout the pandemic
destined for cancer or some such shit?
Or am I an idiot for staying inside?
Wasting my life
half trapped, half rescued by the box that is my room
a room I have no intention of giving up
but at this point I've been hurt by everything I've ever loved
People blare bass so loud it shakes my furniture
Roar engines that feel like they're ripping through my brain
even with the noise cancelling headphones on
I don't mind the music
bursts of songs
comes and goes
but there's not enough of that
it's mostly just noise
People laugh and scream - at least they sound like they're having fun
Some people scream horrendous things and I don't know why no one does anything about it
I want to open my windows but it's felt like being poisoned by noxious fumes
I've asked my landlord about it but I get no reply
Gave up smoking
damn cigarettes smell so bad when you don't smoke anymore
but I can't say I don't wish I could just go back to not caring
to having friends and conversations
[though I wish I remembered more of them]
as if I would never die
immortal because I was already friends with death
something like that
At this point I'd probably get dry socket anyway
my fucked up tooth has been bothering me
don't want it to hurt again
What the fuck is this shit I just read
that the Oregon Health Authority says
a bunch of the healthcare professionals
aren't vaccinated?
What is that supposed to mean?
If I could just know what the point was
how much of this shitshow was deliberate
how much I should care about any of it
that would just help so much
in deciding what to do
not just sitting here alone forever
frustrated and feeling tortured
waiting
waiting
waiting
for what
I don't fucking know
Rabbit
(this good luck shit better work)
(I need all the help I can get)
(and not right off a cliff)
Just put in a grocery order
anxious but grateful
that I can still get food at all
hungry, I'll wait patiently
whole days come and go
between having and not having groceries
never underestimate the power of food
It's been a quiet night
eerie but welcomed
wonder if it's the quiet before the storm
or a new Wednesday night normal
Wednesday nights were always more quiet
but it was never quite this quiet before last year
and the sounds and screams that do come through
puncture the night like scissors through black paper
5:40am
the garbage man is here again
for the place across the street
I think it's just the second time tonight
not fourth or fifth or tenth
so that's nice
his machine passes by relatively quietly really
like I already said - almost spooky
but I want to just enjoy it while I can
it's hard to enjoy anything for very long
They've banned fireworks in Portland this year
but I imagine that won't stop everyone
I'm more prepared
and have the noise cancelling headphones now
just hope it's all bark and no bite
Reached out to some therapists in town
I need some kind of help if I'm ever going outside again
I can't rationalize it
I don't want to do the work I've done before
Cleaning and cashiering and interacting with the public
doesn't seem humane to ask me to do that especially in light of all this
not to mention that shit has been frankly kind of traumatizing
and I'm not just being difficult
fun things seem like no-gos for me too
I don't know how I'm ever supposed to go to a concert again
the library
grocery store
transit
how do you avoid crowds when you live in a city?
Just love it enough to be willing to die there?
I love Portland like I've loved a lot of people
for who I thought they were
for the whole dimension of their character
despite that parts I don't agree with
and even then
not sure they love me equally
see me equally
all my dimensions
if at all
Am I going to wear a face mask for the rest of my life?
I've fantasized that they'll tell us COVID is no more
they've eradicated it somehow
like they did with smallpox and polio
and I can use that as an excuse
an excuse my brain needs to function
because now I know way too much to just live my life
without feeling like an idiot all the time
and I always hated things I was bad at
If I took all my stuff and tried to live in the woods
my ears would ring and I'd starve to death
just as alone, if not worse
I'm not from anywhere I can go back to
and no one really knows me
I've lived here longer than I've lived in any one place my whole life
and that familiarity is a comfort even if it seems to hate me sometimes
I can't even explain how badly I want a cigarette
though I haven't had one in a year
to go back to just a couple years ago
(every year gets farther and farther away)
stand at the corner and not mind the traffic
walk down the waterfront
talk to people
watch them come and go
wear my clothes
have a smoke
feel the sun
just be outside
where green trees meet blue sky
bustling people - not trapped in a box
sanctuary or prison it's hard to tell
and I know I'm priviledged
so well
all my good luck becomes it's own nightmare
it could always be worse
I must say that 10 times a day
now every noise feels like an assault
(thank everything for noise cancelling headphones - ear armor I've been calling them)
running engines spewing pollution, people yelling, banging, slamming, beeping
all I've seen for a year is the view from my window
and it's usually filled with things that I either fear or feel powerless to help
and I don't know what to do
being brave doesn't mean you're not scared
and being afraid is just normal to me
now more than ever
but in some ways that never changed
just got worse
I'm ranting I guess
just writing whatever comes to mind
because I'm terrified
and hungry
and it's so quiet
I don't want to break it
with my usual ranting into a recording
that no one - not even me - will probably ever hear
I should just go to bed
just wanted to have said something
to start a new month
maybe one of the last months
I have
since the CDC extended the eviction moratorium
and Oregon passed Bill 278
I think I'm covered for at least 60 more days
but who knows what course history will take
I keep grinding my teeth so much
I'm giving myself a headache
chewing the inside of my gums
gotta tell myself to relax
how much easier that would be
if I had any fucking cannabis
Anyway
I've been saying everything should wait
until at least two weeks after the 4th of July
but I realize there will always be some holiday
some event when people will gather and cross paths globally
and we may live with COVID for the rest of our lives
I did a lot of random research tonight
antimicrobial/antiseptic herbs and spices
https://www2.hawaii.edu/~johnb/micro/m140/syllabus/week/handouts/m140.8.3.html
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5486105/
Only took me six hours tonight to make a grocery list
but that's almost normal
which somehow lead to how air pollution kills more people than cigarettes
articles saying air pollution will kill more people than COVID ever will:
https://www.globalcitizen.org/en/content/air-pollution-kill-more-people-covid-19/
https://www.mercatus.org/commentary/air-pollution-kills-far-more-people-covid-ever-will
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7277007/
To be honest with you, I haven't read any of those articles yet
just the headlines
I just want to make the point
Not just to the void of internet that may or may not ever read this
but more so to myself
If I'm going to have a chance at any kind of life when this is over
I need to deliberately find reasons why I can go outside again
even if I have to raise money for a hazmat suit or something
or else my life is effectively over
and everything I ever wanted has already passed me by
I'll never meet anyone new
I'll never go to a concert again
I'll never just feel like walking around
or exploring, adventuring, being
anything
I loved who I thought I was becoming
even if I wasn't everything I wanted to be yet
nothing is ever perfect
because there's no such thing
like James Baldwin said:
'I love America more than any other country in the world and, exactly for this reason, I insist on the right to criticize her perpetually.'
"I love..."
insert
"Portland"
"People"
"My education"
"Memories"
"Myself"
here
Which reminds me
I really want to read this interview by Henry Louis Gates, Jr
of James Baldwin and Josephine Baker
having dinner in France in 1973
Apparently TIME magazine never ran it
because they deemed it untimely "old news"
wow, what a mistake
who wouldn't have had a good time
just being a fly on the wall
with those immortals?
Dinner parties with cool-as-can-be intellectual giants
put that on the list of things I'll never get to do
if I can't go outside again
Forever stuck listening to the sound of people
coming and going no matter what happened
outside of music from time to time
almost no one ever sounds happy
angry, rough, distressed, cruel, apathetic maybe
but not happy
why didn't they stay home too
if they had a home to stay in
if they didn't feel like something would fall apart
if they did?
maybe they never got sick like me
I was just in the ER in 2018
and maybe they simply don't care
or some other factor is overriding their fear
or they don't have any fear at all
I don't know
but I feel I have good reason to care
even if it's not how everyone feels
I just don't know what to do
I'm sick of feeling like I'm only worth anything to anybody
if I can make some kind of money
no matter how much someone loves capitalism
didn't we all learn you can't put a price on human life
oh wait - guess not...(this has been haunting me for over a year)
Does this mean that if I ever do start smoking again, it will subtract from my total worth
until they just let me die?
No, right? Because that would be evil, and cruel, and soulless, right?
Right?
Again
can't I just go have dinner
smoke cigarettes and drink wine
or just have some cannabis, that'd be fine
and talk and talk and talk
about important things
in casually genius ways
with people like Baldwin and Baker and Gates, Jr?
Am I meant to be a shut in without a friend in the world?
Really?
That doesn't feel right.
Am I just not supposed to care?
There's got to be an answer that doesn't just seem like blinding picking a path
and hoping you picked the right one.
I've thought of it like crossing a bridge.
Someone else is light and athletic and has gone across millions of times
so they cross this bridge with confidence
but I'm bigger than them, and less nimble, and I've never crossed before
so I would rather find another way around
or else the bridge might break
and so what's fine for one person
is not always the same for another
but that doesn't have to mean either of us are really "wrong".
Of course, outside of the metaphor, the point of COVID
if there was a "point" at all,
must have been how we all interconnect with each other
(intersectional solidarity)
and even if you could afford your own private island
or a flight to the moon
there was still something you effected
a ripple in the water
and it mattered how you reacted
it mattered that you cared
and caring, however hopeless things might have seemed,
was better than not caring at all
wasn't it?
If you didn't
maybe if you had
it would have saved lives
like the 10,000 people they estimate have died
just for having been evicted during COVID
(page 9: https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/more/pdf/CDC_Eviction_Extension_Order_Final_06242021.pdf)
How different would my own life be
if I hadn't spent a year
watching people who seem to have nothing
play out my own fears
of losing my home, of being alone, of nobody caring
screaming in the street, but there's no one to call
because they didn't fund Portland Street Response fully
and it'll take 6 months to implement once they finally do
and there's this statistic that People with Untreated Mental Illness 16 Times More Likely to Be Killed By Law Enforcement
even the people in the shelter just look out their windows
no one comes down except at the designated times
and if you missed it
too bad
no shoes
how can we live in a town with Nike bikes
and people with no shoes?
meanwhile some want to shuffle the houseless off to a single area
force them together onto an empty lot
and that doesn't seem right either
but hearing people constantly coughing
when I might have lived another life
with a yard, maybe even a family, or at least friends
somehow not panicking every day
that I might not have a home soon
or hearing
over and over and over and over
people saying "I hope you die" etc
right outside my windows
how differently I might feel right now
how far less traumatized
though it's hard to tell who anyone is
just by looking at them
I can't see that well even with my glasses on
and as far as the protests go
I was proud that people cared enough to go out night after night
hoping I would not be judged by history for having stayed inside, in my home,
every night following along on twitter
every night hearing booms and feeling tensions despite being 12 blocks away
every night trying to learn more so I could maybe help make something, anything, better
but it's quiet now
and the world is reopening
I feel all alone
I feel fucked (not in a good way)
and I'm not sure what to do
The Front Bottoms - "12 Feet Deep" Music Video
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psa8Om9bwsI
[Chorus]
'Cause you are water twelve feet deep
And I am boots made of concrete
I'll wear cool clothes, you could show some skin
Flash a fake, so we will both get in
Now we're dancing, we're so drunk
We are so cool, we are so punk
[Bridge]
And yes, we can keep living like this
As long as you're here I will live like this
[Verse 1]
Since when did...
Since when did "I wanna hear your voice"
Not become a good excuse?
Calling you three in the morning
Laugh at sleep that we'll both lose
Maybe college won't work out
And I can come stay at your house
I'm supposed to be at class now
But my roommate just passed out
And I cannot get in my room
Get all my books and what I need
You're all I need
But I am pretty sure your parents will never see
I'll let it be
'Cause it was never meant to be
I'll let it be
[Chorus]
'Cause you are water twelve feet deep
And I am boots made of concrete
I'll wear cool clothes, you could show some skin
Flash a fake, so we will both get in
Now we're dancing, we're so drunk
We are so cool, we are so punk
[Bridge]
And yes, we can keep living like this
As long as you're here I will live like this
[Verse 2]
I get left out...
I get left out of every plan they make
That is what I have to do
To be the only kid from high school
Who is still in love with you
And maybe college won't work out
And I can come sleep on your couch
I'm supposed to be at class now
But my roommate just passed out
And I cannot get in my room
Get all my books, what I need
You're all I need
But I am pretty sure your parents will never see
I'll let it be
'Cause it was never meant to be
I'll let it be
[Chorus]
'Cause you are water twelve feet deep
And I am boots made of concrete
I'll wear cool clothes, you could show some skin
Flash a fake, so we will both get in
Now we're dancing, we're so drunk
We are so cool, we are so punk
[Bridge]
And yes, we can keep living like this
As long as you're here I will live like this
