(which to me is too small an amount to really matter - I also tend not to respond to CBD products the way I expect to and it can feel like a waste of money trying to experiment with it)
Fantasize about driving on an empty highway with the music up and a cigarette in hand (fantasize because you don't have a car and you quit smoking thanks to COVID)
Remember what you loved about the world before COVID ruined it
Self-Therapy
Get out ideas/feelings (write/audio recording/artz/whatever)
Organize yourself in a way that would be easier to explain to other people
Make lists so your brain isn't overloaded with the clutter of your thoughts
Archive
Write/audio record/save files and articles for data/history/record keeping
Clean
Top to bottom: just clear everything off, wipe it down, wipe down the surface, put it back
Do the laundry
Vacuum (now that you can! yay!)
Put on your face masks, bring the lysol, and take out the goddamn trash (you can do it)
Exercise/Fitness/Health
Cannabis (RSO) treats PTSD, reduces inflammation, and potentially shrinks cancer cells, so yes it counts (if you can get some)
Spread love and enlightenment
For friends/family (if you have any)
Community
Online
Make something a little better than it was
Take whatever pisses you off, terrifies you, or makes you sad and imagine what could be done to fix it
Learn something
New
Get better at a skill
Update yourself on the most current information on any given topic
Expose yourself to another opinion or perspective (even if it's just to better argue against it)
On the other hand, always open yourself up to the idea you might be wrong or not have known the whole story about something
I've given up smoking, I don't have money for medicinal cannabis, and I've been very much alone.
Pretty sure I have a serious oral fixation of some kind on top of it, but I digress (sugar free lollipops and popsicles have helped).
When I can't seem to summon the willpower to get into things that usually make me feel better: music, doodles, watching/psychoanalyzing TV shows and movies - some of the best few weeks I had in the last year were spent watching episodes of Star Trek Next Generation (thanks PlutoTV) and a series on YouTube called The Take - I don't have a lot left to comfort me besides my cat, sleeping, and food.
I try to do research (ie read Wikipedia) and pay attention to the local/national/world/universe news but it generally stresses me out and I end up feeling pretty powerless.
So I'm truly grateful I was able to get food stamps this year, plus there was additional COVID relief, which has given me more money to eat than I usually have under regular circumstances.
I'm used to spending about $30 a week, or about $120 a month.
For several jobs, I've often found myself eating once a day - having no food at home and getting food at or on the way to work - feeling I needed the energy most to get those tasks done. I'd walk to work as fast as I could, out of hunger. It became a strange kind of incentive to get there as quickly as possible. Even when I didn't want to go, getting to work was more than a paycheck and some kind of long term survival obligation - it also meant I got to eat.
I honestly thought I might starve to death last summer.
EBT has given me $211 a month with a $95 COVID boost mid-month.
I've changed my diet several times, trying to find the perfect combination of food I could get over and over to last as long as possible while feeling satisfied without gaining weight/bloating issues (...looking at you, my beloved extra sharp white cheddar cheese...I don't know if it's because I'll eat the whole thing in a couple days, or if it's the cheese itself, but I can see my body physically change shape after buying this, which is concerning. Takes a couple weeks to go back "down". Bread/spaghetti and rice & beans have also been difficulties for me, despite being inexpensive enough to want to buy in bulk. I prefer potatoes, but buying fresh only lasts about a week and the frozen comes pre-coated in oil so they can end up being fattening when I add cheese and vegetarian meatballs etc.)
I've been isolated in quarantine for over a year and I try to get delivery as inoften (which I just learned is not actually a word, but fuck it) as possible. On one hand I'm grateful at least two places take EBT for online delivery orders, but I wish everywhere did as it really forces to you to buy from only those two places - one of which charges $20 and the other is free, so really you only have one choice. You also lose out on a lot of deals you'd get in store - but what can you do when trying to avoid the virus? Hope the delivery workers are getting hazard pay at the very least - they should all be issued carts to help move items by the way - they've been essential to my survival - even when they've set my groceries down in a pile of shit that was in front of the door (only happened once - but still ugh ick).
Must admit I've still not found a perfect budget, and I started running out of stamps before the month ends, but my life food-wise is still a thousand times better than it's been in nearly 10 years. I didn't always have unlimited access to food, but having a meal plan in college was probably the most I've ever eaten in my life.
Now the concern is just that it won't last forever, and I have no idea what I'm gonna do once assistance stops.
I was a vegetarian between 11th grade (about 2006/2007) and sometime around May of 2012.
I became a vegetarian again in December 2019.
Seeing the progress of vegetarian options available has been a lot of fun and super delicious.
Way better than things were 7ish years ago.
I wish I had never stopped - like I lost something of myself for the last 7 or so years.
I also feel better being a veggie, and prefer it - but don't worry, I won't shove that down your throat.
I'm not vegan because I get so much out of eating cheese and honey and I don't want to get sick if I accidentally end up ingesting something meat based since the majority of people do still eat meat. They cook those impossible burgers at Burger King on the same grill as the regular burgers, for example. There can be fish oil and gelatin in a lot of stuff. I didn't eat out much before (outside of the couple years I spent only eating from the dollar menu at McD's) and I have no idea when I'll ever eat out again, but still. Might give in and want a pizza at some point or something. I tend to get wafts of food smells from the surrounding area where I live, and it's easier to just imagine it's a vegetarian version of bacon or fried chicken or whatever. I also believe in by-products because a lot of these domesticated animals can't survive in any kind of "wild" environment - you wouldn't be able to just let them go. Farms and places that produce the by-products still should be giving the animals the best life they possibly can, however. I don't think it's "too soft" to wonder how some humans end up being so inhumane. I became a vegetarian in 11th grade after spending three days watching a documentary on the inside operations of factory farming. It's truly horrible. Never let yourself numb out so much that you let cruelty like that become the norm. Even if you can't stop it, at least try to fight the apathy within yourself.
The following recipes are all veggie friendly, but you could sub things easily as you like.
I've also tried to cut extra sugar out of my diet.
Holy god does everything still have so. much. salt. in it though.
My diet right now usually consists of:
protein bars that contain 20 grams of protein and zero sugar (I've tried making my own protein powder "super nutrient" shakes since the soylent ones can get pricey, but both the blenders I bought broke and it became even more expensive trying to add fruit etc.)
mozzarella sticks (I did just calculate that I've been having way more protein than I thought I was - which is funny because usually people wonder if you can get enough protein as a vegetarian, and here I've been having almost too much...gotta find something else to substitute for that oral fixation though...I want to try to make ginger lollipops)
olives
pickles
jalapenos
ginger (gingermints)
garlic
mio energy stuff that comes in a little squirt bottle
acai - if and when I can get it (has omega 3s and just tastes good - chia seeds for omega 3s too, but they can be kind of annoying - avocados are my favorite but they're expensive and I've gotten too many bad ones through grocery delivery)
Vitamins - I've got a complete vitamin that I try to take every other day (multigrain cheerios can be a substitute if you only have EBT), a calcium/magnesium/zinc for when I run out of cheese, and I've been taking biotin with surprisingly good results (my nails have never not curved downward once they reach the ends of my fingertips before)
I've tried buying herbs and spices that are supposed to have antimicrobial properties (cloves, thyme, cinnamon, garlic, anise, ginger etc.)
Some of these concoctions might be a little strange, but they're also based on the budget I've had.
I thought they were tasty, cheap, health conscious - if not always perfectly healthy - and maybe someone else will enjoy them to their own tastes, too.
***
Birds Nest (Vegetarian Meatballs, French Fries, and Cheese)
Ingredients:
Vegetarian Meatballs - my favorite are the Gardein brand
French Fries - frozen - steak cut works best for the "birds nest" effect
Cheese - any kind will do - the meltier the better (mozzarella, edam, gouda, swiss)
Add spices if you like: jalapenos, garlic, peppers and onions
Cooking:
1) Oven set at about 450 degrees
2) Cook the veggie meatball and fries for about 10 minutes and turn over
3) Crisscross the fries in a star pattern and put the veggie meatball in the middle
4) Add cheese and spices on top
5) Cook for 10 to 15 more mintues until everything is crispy and holds together
If done right, comes out looking like a birds nest with an egg - fun and delicious
Eat with ketchup and hot sauce
Cheesy Crispy Veggie Ramen/Udon/Lo Mein
Ingredients:
Noodles (ramen, udon, lo mein)
Mixed veggies - frozen (can be whatever type - I love this mix that includes baby corn & water chestnuts along with green beans, sliced carrots, and broccoli - but usually just get the regular big bag of peas, carrots, corn, green beans)
Jalapenos - can get the sliced nacho style, but the pickled can comes with carrots and onions as well and tends to be cheaper
Garlic - powder or the Dorot frozen cubes - I've found the powder to be cheaper and more flavorful
I buy olives and mix them with the jalapeno and garlic, which leaves me with a jar of spicy juice once I've eaten all the olives
Ginger - buy it whole, shave the skin with a spoon, slice it up, and just put it in the freezer - ginger makes everything better
Mozzarella (string cheese) - sounds so odd but I promise this was delicious - babybel edam cheese or any other melty cheese (gouda, swiss) would probably be good too
Ramen packet of spices (chili flavor)
Cooking:
1) Bring water to a boil
2) Add frozen veggies, jalapenos/olive and garlic juice, frozen ginger
3) When boiling again, add maybe 1/3 of a ramen chili powder packet and noodles but for a very limited amount of time - for ramen and udon, I turn the burner off and let them just cook themselves - by the time it's cooled down enough to eat, they're usually perfect. The lo mein noodles take a little longer.
4) You can stop there if you just want soup, but this extra step really stepped things up for me: turn the oven on to about 300 degrees. Drain the noodles and veggies. Lay on a baking sheet. Add mozzarella (string cheese sticks). Kind of turn the veggies and noodles over onto the cheese as it melts. Cook until edges are crispy and the cheese is melty, adding extra garlic. Oh my god this was so good.
Sweet Sticky Ginger Bites
Ingredients:
Ginger - buy it whole, shave the skin with a spoon, slice it up, and just put it in the freezer - ginger makes everything better
Cappuccino mix - this was just what I had on hand that was sugary (I've cut most sugar out of my diet and try to get sugar free stuff now) - I think honey would have been good too, though using the cappuccino mix should have given it an added boost of caffeine - also have some hazelnut syrup I'll probably experiment with next time
Five Spices Blend - cinnamon, fennel, cloves, anise, white pepper
3) Boil for a few minutes and turn down to a simmer - I did this for about 45 minutes to an hour
4) Drain the mixture - I saved the liquid in a large coffee carafe and let it cool, then poured it into an ice cube tray - been experimenting with putting into an acai drink mix, but might be best to turn into popsicles - someone online suggested putting them in lemonade
5) Oven at 200 degrees - I sprinkled a little extra cappuccino mix and five spice blend onto the pan and dumped the ginger bits, kind of rolling them around in the powder. Baked for a little over an hour. Came out sticky and kind of caramelized while still fresh and "wet" in the center of the bigger pieces. This is not crystallized ginger, but the best I've had was Reed's brand crystallized ginger - the bag says "nuggets of baby ginger root" - if I could figure out how to get it that texture, that'd be awesome. Maybe cut the ginger into squares? They also probably used a dehydrator. Anyway, my version was still good (to me) though, and I ate it all pretty quickly. Left a really nice spicy sensation in my mouth.
Mini Waffle "Baked" Brie/Edam/Mozzarella Pocket
Ingredients:
Pancake Mix - I prefer Krusteaz which has egg and milk in it and comes in a huge bag for pretty cheap (I've found bread does unhappy things to my guts, though, so I limit this)
Cheese - brie can be expensive - as can camembert, babybel (edam), and even the extra sharp white cheddar (which isn't as melty, but I love it) - but mozzerella sticks seem to be a fairly cheap and melty alternative - mix melty cheeses if you can (gouda, swiss, etc.)
Fruit/Jam/Preserves - can be anything or any flavor you like, really
I got a mini waffle maker for about $10 at target a couple years ago - it works fairly well
If you've had actual baked brie before, I think you get the idea - I'd like to try this with flaky biscuit/pastry dough and see what happens
Cooking:
1) Mix pancake mix and water - I prefer a thicker consistency, almost "sticky" dough
2) Pour a layer of mix on the waffle maker - you're working on a very small scale here, so go with less so it doesn't overflow and you end up with mix and goo wasted all over your counter.
3) Add slices or cheese or one babybel round (not a lot)
4) Cover in a layer of jam
5) Add the final layer of pancake mix and close the lid. Comes out as a little pocket of delicious when done right.
Lemon Pepper Ch'kn
I haven't actually made this yet, but when I ate meat my favorite thing to make was lemon pepper chicken - so I'm interested in finding the best vegetarian ch'kn substitute and seeing if I can recreate the goodness
Ingredients:
Lemon - a real one or the lemon juice in bottle works too
Pepper - easy enough
Ch'kn - lots of options in this area - gotta experiment to find the best one for that juicy consistancy
Cooking:
1) I used to just pour lemon and pepper on chicken and cook it on the stove, maybe putting it in the oven for extra crispyness - I liked it when the edges got slightly burned but the middle was juicy - that's it really. Could eat just that all day.
Avocado/Lemon/Salt
This is the simplest thing in the world, but it makes my heart sing.
Ingredients:
Avocado - they say to pick a soft one but I've found it's easier to check if it's ripe by whether there are brown spots when you pick off the little stem nub
Lemon - a real one or the lemon juice in bottle works too
Salt - duh
Cooking:
1) Slice avocado
2) Cover in lemon
3) Sprinkle with Salt
4) Devour it like a goddess
I'll add more to this later but I've been working on it for hours and I just want to do something else
I think those are the most tasty things I've made semi-recently at any rate
Pretty much just add cheese, jalapeno, and/or ginger to everything and it'll be amazing in my book lol
(Except the avocados with lemon and salt, of course. Those are perfect as is.)
Oh wait, yeah, how could I forget?!
Dr. Frankenstein's Monster Vegetarian Sandwich
I haven't made this in forever, but they were awesome.
Ingredients:
Sourdough bread slice
Rye bread slice
Hummus
Egg Salad
Lettuce
Pickes
Sprouts
Potato Chips
Mustard (spicy)
Cooking:
1) Spread the egg salad on the sourdough side
2) Spread the hummus on the rye side
3) Lettuce, chips, pickles, (spicy) mustard, and sprouts in the middle
4) Cut diagonally or down the middle, I don't care
Just as you would hope humanity has evolved in ways beyond the hate of the past,
you might also ask just how it has evolved in the response to that hate.
There have been a lot of different people yelling horrible things outside on the street where I live for the past year.
To be clear, they are not protesters - not in any sense one might recognize - but individuals just screaming obscene and obnoxious things like "get out", "go home, stay home", "I hope you die", "rapist", "rape-o", "pedophile", weirdly and very specifically "those two cops are rapists", "liar", "whore", "suck my dick bitch", the n-word, "fuck off f*ggot", "burn it down" - and the like - over and over without context or so much as a longer sentence. On and off randomly at all hours of the day and night.
There are variations to the nonsense. The other night someone was outside at 5am saying shit like "I love you" for about an hour, which was still annoying as fuck, and I closed my window on a light I had, which cut the cord on it. Feels like a fucked up metaphor, but that's just exploiting the fact that I'm a kind of poet.
There have been other issues as well - like someone setting a sleeping bag which appeared covered in feces on fire - other noise and pollution that wasn't around before the 2020 shutdown - but I won't get into that right now.
The point of this meditation is that there is a man who has captured my attention in a particular sort of way.
He doesn't have legs and has been crawling on the ground on his hands.
I've seen him be in the same spot for days on end.
Likely shitting in corners. Unable to get a shower.
While people snot, spit, and pee on the street where he gets around.
Don't even get me started on hearing people coughing and sneezing outside.
I wonder if he was in the military from his attitude of independence and the way he's surviving outside - there seems to be something extremely tough about what he's doing.
But it feels so wrong - even more so than the usual person I've witnessed surviving outside - sometimes without shoes - or even pants - who also deserves any help they're willing to accept.
Just hope for their sakes it's the right kind of help.
Not to forget we're still in the middle of a pandemic.
Not that it made life stop - not around here at least.
Shelter and city staff who work nearby seem to just pass him.
He goes unacknowledged.
This would all bring about a feeling of pure and total empathy from me
except that he's now taken to shouting horrendous things too
sometimes directly under my window.
"Suck my dick bitch", "fuck off f*ggot", "go to hell" - etc. etc. etc.
Today I woke up to his gruff voice saying "get out".
I've heard some people seem to tell him to shut up,
but I'm honestly surprised he's even still around at all.
Which brings me to this question:
what is the best way for the average person to respond to hate?
When you don't want to become part of that hate yourself?
When you want to fix a problem, not make it worse?
When you yourself feel powerless and there's no one else to call for help?
My first thought is to respond with art.
Make a sign that says:
"IN THIS HOUSE BEING GAY IS COOL"
"BLACK LIVES MATTER (never meant yours didn't)"
"FUCK FASCISM"
"YOUR BODY, YOUR CHOICE"
"YOU CAN LOVE PEOPLE WHO MAKE DIFFERENT CHOICES THAN YOU"
"LOVE IS BETTER THAN HATE"
"YOUR LIFE IS YOUR OWN"
"NO PERSON IS ILLEGAL"
"THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS HOME SO JUST LET PEOPLE LIVE"
"WHERE IS HOME WHEN YOU HAVE NO HOME?"
"COEXIST, BITCHES"
"A SEAT AT THE TABLE FOR EVERYONE OR THE TABLE GETS FLIPPED OVER"
"RAISE THE STANDARD OF LIVING: GOOD HOUSING, GOOD FOOD, QUALITY HEALTHCARE, UPDATED EDUCATION AT ANY AGE - FOR ALL"
"BE A WORLD CITIZEN"
"YOU'RE ONLY ALLOWED TO TAKE WORDS BACK THAT ARE USED AGAINST YOU"
"EVERYBODY IS A WHORE"
Alternatively: "WHORE? I'M NOT THAT COOL, SORRY"
"BEING A RAPIST OR A PEDOPHILE ISN'T GOOD, BUT NO ONE HERE IS, AND EVEN THEN I'M NOT SURE THIS TACTIC WOULD HELP ANYTHING"
"ALWAYS ASK QUESTIONS AND FOLLOW THE MONEY"
But clearly that seems a little weak.
Pretty, maybe, if the sign is eye-catching, but don't know how it would make them stop screaming.
I've taken to wearing active noise cancelling headphones 24 hours a day, by the way. But my ears are getting fucked up from them, and sometimes I need to take a break or even just charge them - which means being exposed to the bullshit. If I don't have a steady background noise and I'm in a certain mental state, some noises send a jolt through my body like I've been hit by sound. It's more than annoying - it feels like abuse.
But what am I supposed to do? Petition to have the ripping engines and obnoxious bass outlawed?
Have screaming outside made illegal?
Spend my life accidentally getting things banned that have no business being banned?
You know someone would use this against people for an excuse to up a quota or stop legitimate protests.
Funnel money into a program that still doesn't directly help people?
And give me a break - for better and for worse - no one is enforcing shit as it is, anyway.
People are cherry picked to make into bad examples.
The idea of nutrition and pain management comes into play.
Maybe people are hungry or hurting.
But there's zero reason you should be hungry if you're anywhere near this area.
Must be half a dozen services in a 10 block radius.
I was told when I first moved here by someone unhoused that "you'd have to be an idiot to go hungry in Portland".
I'm curious just what kind of food people are able to get on a regular basis.
It's hard enough when it seems you have to fight for the idea that they deserve the help in the first place.
Even more complicated when you see people throw the food on the ground or leave garbage in their wake.
But pain is another thing.
They did just decriminalize drugs, so I imagine people are getting better help in this regard.
I want to think so.
Can't help but wonder how that cookie is supposed to crumble.
You either pay a $100 fine or you have a "health screening" - whatever that means.
But if you can't afford a tube of RSO - which is my own issue right now and which is completely legalized - or afford it regularly enough to keep yourself balanced - you end up just suffering more. Not to mention employers still being able to fire you over it - but again - that's another issue.
My problem was never cannabis. My problem was being too poor to afford cannabis, too stigmatized to live above the bullshit, and every now and then ending up with what I think was a bad product.
If you don't have $100, do you end up in some kind of program while the guy who can afford it goes free?
Wasn't that kinda how it always was? If you're poor, you're fucked?
And are they just keeping track of people easier this way?
Meanwhile, people act out when they're in pain.
It's harder to keep a clear mind about the world around you.
Everything is dimmed by the weight and pressure of what ails you.
To the point of distraction. To the point of knee-jerk reactions that you didn't mean and wouldn't have ever said or done if you were in a brighter, freer, more relaxed mental and physical state.
I've had my own stormy days and I'm sure I still haven't known the absolute worse a person could feel.
A popped cartilage in my lung. A fucked up tooth. A mild concussion. Broken ankle. Horrible menstrual cramps. Pain in my neck, shoulders, back. A constant kind of underlying sadness that just makes me tired all the time.
But my grandmother used to tell me that every pain you ever had comes back when you're older - all at once.
Another good reason why people should stick to weed and save opioids in any form for when they're in a different kind of pain (just my opinion).
I can't tell you how much it's felt like suffering for no reason to be without my cannabis medication.
I've taken breaks for up to 6 months before. Going back to it always makes me question why I let myself live without it. I just can't afford it. So imagine someone who has been on something much "harder" and I can see why one might be freaking out in the street.
Even as I write this a girl who has been a regular - I can recognize her voice at this point - screams "fuck you cuuuuuunt fuck you" from a distance.
So pleasant, so lovely - no not really.
But how can I react to her without losing my own sense of self?
Without becoming the monster she seems like to me?
I think the city should have funded Portland Street Response.
They said it would take 6 months to roll out once they finally do.
I don't understand - there are plenty of people in all positions of authority who work and live in this area.
Why does it feel like I'm alone in this world?
Why wouldn't other people in the area have petitioned for the unarmed, mental wellness based, street response program, too?
At least then there'd be someone who you could call.
Someone trained in psychology (not that that always works out perfectly, but better than not) to come out and calm people down, provide for their needs, and there'd be no chance of them ending up dead in the process.
It has been the equivalent time of a regular job to watch the local/national/world news and the city council meetings which can be hours long. Just to watch them, much less take on a critical approach and do research on everything you're hearing... I've taken a break (aka got a bit burned out and have been feeling uselessly ineffective) but I was trying to do that every day. I imagine someone working 40 hours a week, especially with kids as well, just wouldn't have the time or energy to really study these things. That itself is a barrier to any positive citizen based change.
What other option is there?
Make art
Empathize
Provide good nutrition
Provide pain managment
Provide housing for fuck's sake
Have trained, unarmed, secular caregivers come out to assist on a person-by-person basis
Try to make changes through legislation
Maybe run for government if you can
Don't expect any one idea to ever perfectly fix anything
I've had to worry about ending up on the street myself long before the pandemic started, but I've been isolated in quarantine for over a year now and the only view I really have is of the street outside my window. It's an unending and unyielding visual and auditory sort of warning that "this is what might happen to you and no one will care". I don't know what I'm supposed to do - what kind of work I'm supposed to find to ensure I'll have an income when assistance programs end. I've applied for a few remote jobs, but they moved on to other candidates. My tech is defunct and isn't good enough for a lot of things. I'm also distracted by all the bullshit noise I've been describing plus some - a siren just went by, buzzing my apartment. Loud even with the noise cancelling headphones. A motorcycle revs its engine and I'm worried it'll leave a smog of pollution. It didn't - thankfully - this time. The louder the vehicle, the more likely I think that happens. I feel tired all the time. I live day to day. I don't know what to do.
So I've fantasized that if I ever did end up unhoused, where the best possible place for me to go would be. An idealized kind of utopia for a worse case scenario.
Maybe if my life dramatically changed, I could open a place like this someday: a 24 hour art shelter.
Somewhere genuinely safe, clean, welcoming, free. Secular. A seat at the table of life for everyone with a foundation in universal human rights. Free resources to create. Spaces to be alone. Showers, toilets, a bed - private enough and socially distanced. Food - healthy with vegetarian options. Gardens would be amazing. Maybe they help you sell your artwork, too. Where you could connect with people without being crammed together, forced on each other, or put in harm's way. I see where it could go wrong - someone in a certain kind of distress running around and just making a mess - but if people were respectful and there were trained mental health providers with secular and holistic, non-judgmental and solution based rather than critical approaches on site - people who really do care and want to help - aren't just doing it for a paycheck or have gotten burnt out - I don't know - that's where I could maybe call home if I lost my own.
The most difficult puzzle I can't seem to solve myself is what to do about people who deserve help as much as anyone else, but just aren't mentally all there enough. People who are going to have behavioral issues beyond just human variation or existing outside the norm - they aren't justifiably angry or upset for some reason that could be understood and addressed - and they're going to do destructive things seemingly without purpose or even awareness. Why does that happen? What can be done to help them? What can be done to help make everybody safe? How often do people like that end up unhoused? How often do they end up just - gone? Does it depend on who your family is - if you have any family - of if they've got money - or some other social contribution? Because I can tell you from experience, there are plenty of people "acting out" but they're doing it with fancy cars and stereo systems and expensive motorcycles or some other material thing and they go by every day sometimes literally vibrating things inside my apartment - ripping out my eardrums - having me choke on exhaust - keeping me awake at odd hours - but I'm sure if they have money for gas, then they probably have money to eat and probably have a home. So what's the difference between them and someone screaming outside with nothing but a blanket, if that - or without any shoes?
I'm not sure what else to say at the moment.
This has taken a lot out of me and it's not very long, which doesn't make me feel good.
I'm tired and don't feel like I should be.
Someone - a different guy - with a harsh tone is saying something outside, breaking the temporary quiet.
I want to help people, but I admit I'm mostly being annoyed by them instead.
I hate that.
I don't know what to do.
Just keep being alive for as long as I can, I guess.
Might add more to this later - not that anyone is reading.
It does feel better just to have gotten the ideas out.
I've been thinking about this stuff for a very long time now.
Questions no one can answer for me (in no particular order):
will people who have not been changed in any positive way over the past year ever change?
if you haven't learned by now, what do you need to learn that you haven't learned yet?
what idea could you possibly be exposed to - and in what way - that would finally make you understand the point?
are racist/bigoted people just jealous of everyone else?
can that jealousy ever turn into love instead?
why would anyone ever want to be associated with nazis/fascism?
why do people feel the need to control other people's lives?
why does it feel like some people still hate women?
why do people even still care about gender norms?
why does it feel like someone wants to ruin my life?
why do people still want to dictate who consenting adults can love?
why do people get to be so stupid and cruel to the point of being evil while people who care suffer?
why do people still want to punish humanity for being a bag of chemicals that uses chemicals to feel better?
why do people still want to control what other people do with their own bodies in general?
if you have such good reasons for the ways you think things should be, shouldn't you be able to convince me by appealing to my own sense of logic?
not having to make me or trick me like a child?
why didn't we educate everyone the same?
why do people have such vastly different ideas of what to do in a crisis?
have you noticed every demographic being terrorized in some way throughout the pandemic?
why did some people just not seem to care?
will the powerful ever willingly share their power?
will the people doing the most harm ever be able to acknowledge that and right it without a big fight?
will the fight always be so unfair that the oppressed don't really stand a chance?
is there a movement to try and make people leave their homes/cities out of fear?
were people supposed to learn about health and racial justice during 2020?
was that "the point"?
was it all more about classism and disobedience at the end of the day?
why is "classism" the only word here my spell check didn't know?
was it psychological warfare?
am I supposed to be terrified of police/authority corruption now?
even if I don't know what I'm supposed to do about that?
why are there people harassing me with noise and pollution as if they want me to hate them?
what is with the disturbing obsession with fire?
what are people supposed to do when their peaceful protest is ignored but they don't want to use violence either?
why isn't there a healthy and painless way to be justifiably angry?
why isn't there more of a focus on changing legislation?
why didn't seeing police brutalizing protesters night after night create more change?
did people not see what I saw?
even though it was publicly streamed night after night for over 100 days on twitter?
was I supposed to do more than care and contemplate while isolated in quarantine?
what, exactly?
what can I do now?
have I been personally right to stay in quarantine after ending up in the ER in 2018 for lung issues, or will time prove me to be a huge disappointment/idiot who is wasting their life even as I type this?
why am I always tired/tired so quickly/easily?
did police and other response teams retaliate in response to the protests?
did violence go up to "prove why we need them"?
did I get "saved" by government assistance throughout the pandemic to prove how much I need the current system?
who are you supposed to go to for help when you can't trust authorities?
especially when you don't want the potential consequences of seeking their help?
why didn't the city fund the unarmed wellness based response program?
who watches the watchers?
who polices the police?
did you notice people being punished no matter their politics or philosophy/used as bad examples based on behavior?
how much of what you've seen/heard/learned is real?
do we not have words to explain what's going on?
do we not have the physical attention span to even listen?
just what can we change for the better - and how?
are we taking part in a test few people know about?
if you know exactly what's going on - why is that?
does someone want to force people to stay isolated and away from each other?
is it good to stay away from each other - more often - or at least for now?
is it safe for people to keep doing what they always used to do?
was it never "safe" but your participation gives some kind of implied consent so no one cares if bad things happen?
what is brave supposed to mean?
should we be wearing face masks all the time - or at least during flu season every year from now on?
why isn't anyone explaining that living in a city is like living in a crowd?
why did everything I ever wanted or loved get ruined?
why are we using the same tactics to combat the virus that were used 100 years ago (wash hands, socially distance)?
why does it make sense for anyone to wait in line?
would more people have gone to protests if there wan't a pandemic?
while it's a good thing - why didn't protests lead to upticks in the virus?
is the virus being used to cover up another illness or health issue?
was it to make people quit smoking?
did they really take menthols away to punish people who had said "I can't breathe"?
why doesn't the government care more about pollution if they care about our health so much?
why not give people a universal basic income, free education at any age, free healthcare, housing for all, a higher quality of life for everyone - if they care about our well-being?
why didn't leaders sit down on day one and protect people - especially vulnerable people, poor people, unhoused people, people in communal settings, forgotten people - from spending a whole year or more freaking out over possibly losing their homes, businesses, and lives?
how wasn't the timing of the virus so obviously weird to everybody (election, protests, etc.)?
is this part of some kind of invisible war/holocaust/genocide/targeted massacre?
are they trying to "drive people crazy" or push them to act in ways they wouldn't have usually?
has everything good been somehow corrupted/overtaken/overridden for a negative agenda?
does the government want people to breed future generations that would make the perfect astronauts - intelligent, yet obedient - strong, fit, unattached/unaddicted to anything - willing to die for a cause?
will thousands end up dying in the name of space travel before one group might get very far at all?
is it all so complicated, with so many moving parts, so many individual players and/or interest groups that no one person alone will ever figure it all out?
what does whoever is really in charge/has the most power want?
why can't we tell them no if what they want is evil?
was this about equalizing everyone's experiences?
was this about negating experiences?
was this just about terrorizing people?
is the stress meant to kill us - at least earlier than we would have otherwise died?
is it a super complicated real estate scheme from hell?
was it meant to instill world peace and it just didn't work?
is it whatever your worst nightmares would lead you to believe?
is it all happening for some kind of genuinely good reason?
am I just an outsider so that's why I don't know what's going on?
I've been wishing for the same thing just about every day now. I'm old enough to know either a) you're not supposed to tell your wish and/or b) this is about as useful as praying, but I still do it. Call it pseudoscientific goal setting. I don't care.
I'm trying to save everything I possibly can. Important emails, blog posts, old videos, documents - archiving my days as if it's going to matter. It matters to me. I have to keep telling myself that's good enough.
I've been worried about losing my housing every single day for a year-and-a-half now. I was worried about ending up on the street long before that, but quarantined in my room (some halfway point between trapped and safe) --- sorry I got distracted by someone blasting my apartment with their goddamn bass again.
Been wearing active noise cancelling headphones nearly 24 hours a day. If I play a binural beats track with the volume all the way up, most of all the traffic and screaming is drowned out. Impressively sucked into the ambient music like some kind of vibrational sponge. Some sounds still get through though. Figure that's when you know it's way too fucking loud - I'm not just getting overly upset over the regular sound of regular traffic. This is some kind of assault on the ears and mind.
Last year I swear if you could have done a physical scan on me, you'd have seen a bruised brain. Like I'd been beaten up by noise.
Now the trade off is that my ears hurt from the pressure of the headphones, and sometimes, honestly, smell a little funny. Like that gauged ears smell people sometimes have.
A motorcycle rips by. It would have hurt if I didn't have the headphones. Luckily, the headphones turn their bullshit down from abusive to just obnoxious. I have it all recorded. I record the audio of my life 24 hours a day. I don't really expect anyone to ever listen to it. Just makes me feel better.
Besides a small sense of security, I can keep myself company and think my own thoughts, and it's not even close to "crazy" because I'm working on this project that is my life. The line between writing and speaking is pretty thin. Still the same stream-of-consciousness. I'd argue speaking makes that even easier, actually.
So it's a work/education/therapy/art project - not just someone talking to themselves. You know?
I've come up with a number of legit stories this year. I pick at them, but never seem to get down to the gritty work of putting them all together. I just keep getting either distracted or too sad. Even though I haven't left my building in a year, I seem to be exhausted pretty much all the time.
I'll cycle between pragmatic things like diet or self-esteem or some other topic that feels oddly selfish and oversimplified and then big world issues like justice, human rights, and what the hell is up with COVID. Sometimes I don't know what brings me to a certain topic on a certain day, like I'm being pulled along by an invisible force of sorts that helps me see the information I need to see - eventually. Just a coincidence. Don't know why I'm writing today, for example. It was the first day of summer and I thought that was good enough reason as any to update this blog, I guess.
I wear myself out emotionally and I don't have a lot in my life that brings the good feeling energy back up to full battery. I haven't had money for cannabis, although I use it medicinally, and I quit smoking. I've survived mostly thanks to food assistance, and a program that did cover my rent and electric for last year. I am lucky to still have some connection to the internet, though it's not fast enough for a lot of remote jobs, and I don't have the tech I need either. I've been trying to apply for rental and electric assistance and remote work - mainly writing - but haven't heard back and don't trust or don't qualify for 80% of the postings I find. It's been extremely frustrating. Although I'm still housed, I don't know when that luck might run out.
I know I'm not the only one who feels this way, and that's all the more reason why it doesn't make any sense to me that our leaders didn't look ahead and put legislation in place that would help people in a more solid block kind of way. Make it so no one was sitting there worried for months on end, or lost their business, or needed to find remote work but didn't have the computer. No one should be hungry. Everyone needs a safe place to sleep and somewhere to shower and use the bathroom. I don't understand how so many people seemed to have spent the whole pandemic - even the dead of winter - outside. I can understand reasons someone might not have wanted help - they've been hurt from getting "help" before - but there must have been some compromise beyond just leaving people not only to get sick but possibly get other people sick.
Just last night there was a woman wondering around who tucked herself behind a corner and openly coughed as people walked by who had just simply come out to enjoy life again - those people are probably vaccinated or just plain desperate to feel alive - can't blame them really - or even wanting to support their favorite forms of nightlife so they don't end up gone by the time the world really opens up again. But from my window it all just seems like chaos.
It's been going right up to the deadline and then relief extended for just a few more months over and over. If I was supposed to write a book or something - which has been everything my life has personally lead up to - it would have been better to know I could go ahead and focus on that and dig myself out of poverty that way instead of squirming with fear that I really need to forgo those dreams and find a different income solution if I'm going to survive. Find a way to buy a hazmat suit or something.
Even typing this now, my hand is starting to hurt and my arm is getting tired. This is not good.
If I could just get some really accurate speech-to-text program, I could play out all my recordings for the past year and surely would have seven books out of those "speeches".
I feel like I've done nothing but work but I have no income to show for it.
People have still been going out and doing things all around all year. I keep trying to get inside their minds. What justifications could they possibly have that I just can't subscribe to myself?
Maybe they've never been sick, never even known or been close to someone who was sick - is that possible?
Maybe they put their life in "god's hands" and just think if it's their time, it'll be their time (which just isn't how I feel).
Maybe they just don't care? Or even want their life to end to some degree? Or think they do anyway.
On the sci-fi side, maybe they know something I don't?
Of course there are plenty of people who felt like they needed to keep going to work - not just to survive but because their jobs helped everyone else survive. I've been frustrated by parades of garbage trucks in the middle of the night, but at the same time, we'd all be so fucked if they had stopped going to work. And blessed be delivery drivers - how else would I be able to get food? (Even when they've literally sat my bag of groceries down in a pile of shit that was in front of the door).
Again, why couldn't there be special arrangements? And then you realize some of them wouldn't have wanted to wear hazmat suits - the face masks pissed them off as it was. I see that as an indication that people felt they were being controlled SOMEHOW but misjudged just what their "enemy" was. Too bad, because while I too have been out of breath just carrying groceries up the stairs with my double masks on - it does seem like a simple gesture to say you cared. Better than nothing.
Which brings me to the thought: how could anyone NOT feel like this whole situation was a little too fucking weird, at the very least? How could our standards to keep each other safe really be the same as what was said back in 1918? I've watched people line up for food every day throughout the pandemic. Even with face masks on, what sense does it make to have people wait two minutes or more in one spot, only to move up in line to where someone else had just been standing?
Meanwhile, just to add to my confusion (though it is a good thing) there have been no reported outbreaks due to any of the protests despite the large numbers of people gathered. Should that prove the simple power of face masks or what? Will I regret not going to any protests this past year - trying to work in solidarity in my own artistic/sharing resources kind-of-way from inside my apartment?
I have my own reasons for being extra cautious and feeling extra vulnerable, and I realize no one cares whether I live or die. If I end up in the hospital, I'll be there alone. So I'm the only one who can take care of myself the best I can - even if people are coughing in the hallway right outside my door or constantly on the street below my window. I can't do anything about them - I can only do anything about me. I just don't know how much of my life I'm actually wasting only to end up on the street with my cat in the end anyway while people had been coming and going and working and would think I was a fool for staying in quarantine or if I've done exactly the right thing for me. I'm honestly scared to find out I was wrong, but sometimes I want to be.
