Middle Fingers and Peace Signs Pt. II

Some people don't want to remedy situations.

They don't want to sit down and speak their truth
listen to your response
give each other time to think and explain
build an understanding together.

To take on your shared grievances
as a psychologist or mediator or best-parent-ever
might.

No.
They have been in pain for too long.
They have been angry for too long.
They have been shut down for too long.

They do not feel you deserve that.
They do not have the energy or ability to settle with you.

They want to be mad.
They want to hate you.
They want to destroy you.
To destroy what you mean to them.

What they see in you.
What they remember.
What they identify as an enemy.

Generations of rage.
Not given what they need to thrive.
Evolved to thrive off far less,
disgusted to see
the lives of those
who might have been them

been you

had the cells collided
just a little differently
between the universe and the womb.

But then
when you try to look through the eyes of someone who hates you
and not necessarily accept or believe
but understand
why
they think and do
as they do

You see a few different things:

How arbitrary all our bullshit beliefs might be if only we had been raised differently.

How blindly people will stick to what they have a personal stake in believing is absolutely true.

Which makes total sense and is obviously natural, no hard feelings
but we can evolve in any direction we choose.

Reach out and reach in.

Question ourselves and each other to ensure our own validity. 

Not to be cruel, but to be helpful.

Suffering reaps more suffering, healing reaps more healing.

IT'S THE ONLY THING WE HAVEN'T REALLY TRIED
IN THE KNOWN HISTORY OF HUMAN KIND
PEOPLE COME ON
WAR DOESN'T BRING US PEACE
BUT PEACE MIGHT

Deliberately make an effort to adapt if confronted with a new truth.
Better truths.
Truths that are true for both me and you.

Speak to the unspoken things, because those are what we most take for granted.

For example: I am a human like you.
I'm just figuring things out.
I don't mean to sound like an expert.
I just notice these things, and I feel they're worthwhile to share.
That's kind of what I do.

I'm not trying to make money
though obviously my life would be different if I had more.
(Whose wouldn't?)
This is my life's work
it's supposed to be universal
above money or pride or hate.
Just one example out of the billions that have walked the earth
and if we all had these scientific intentions
maybe we'd solve some problems.

Again, I'm not perfect or an expert.
And I've written things I don't feel anymore.
And I've written things I've grown out of.
And I've written things I wish I'd given so much more attention
because just a couple extra sentences really would have explained it better
but at some point if you don't post it, you never will at all.

It's part of what living feels like for me.

I'm just a person
but am I just like you
or have I been taking that
for granted too?

What does living feel like for you?
Do you have an outlet, like writing, like I do?
Do you even feel compelled to have one?

I can also identify with the call to fight, the call to rise
so it's not as if
I never had an angry feeling in my life
far, far, far from it
I just don't see it helping us
as much as re-education and compassion
might.

You can be powerful
without being enraged.

But then again
people keep hurting me
and I keep being the only one saying sorry.

So maybe one of my own
arbitrary biases
could be that
sentimentality.

On the other hand
if we just fight and hurt and scare each other
what the fuck is the point?
I can understand being insulted.
Wounded. Betrayed. Disappointed. Dismissed.
I can understand not wanting to choke down your pain.
I can understand not wanting to say fucking sorry.
Not anymore.

But if we could rewind
go back to before we were so damaged
that we stopped wanting to care

if we could
re-build a world
where everyone was free

and we kept each other safe
as safe as we could

instead of this
constant
endless
unresolved
putrid
hate

wouldn't that at least be
a more enjoyable
if not better
quality of life
no matter who the fuck you are?

And the only way
to have that today
is to choose it.

Origin Stories [a quickly written poem]

Part of me
just wants to go back
to when we used to say "I love you"
and you believed in me

it's as if
by leaving
you took with you
all the faith I had in myself

not to say it was a lot
to begin with
but it was a confidence
perhaps an arrogance
(a productive one)
I can't seem to summon now

that's not to say
it was your fault
or that you should have stayed
just to preserve my sense of self

and maybe it's good
I had to question myself more
than I ever had before

but that was the last time
I felt like I was anybody

even if I wasn't happy then
I was so much happier
happy in a certain way
that I think I might never be again

that first time kind of happiness
that teaches you what happiness is

that comfortable
that eternal
that beloved
that limitless
that simultaneously intoxicating and clearifying
that freeing
kind of happiness

that you look for
everywhere you go
in everyone you meet
all the rest of your life

Middle Fingers and Peace Signs

This one goes out to all my bros:

Oh you're so cool and vulgar and filthy and risque.

So tough and cold-blooded.

Do you feel powerful?
Do you feel pain?

Throwing middle fingers with a smile on your face.

Everything's a sex joke when you just want to get laid.
Still, you make me laugh. So what's that say?

Damnit, why do I love you?

The cigarette in your mouth
while you're taking a piss.

The way you lounge back
with your arm behind your head.

The crooked joker smile.
Black heart twisted with gold.
Get a thrill from selling your soul.
God, you love being an asshole.

No feelings.
No fucks.
You calm me down.

I love you.
I can't help it.

But you're a middle finger
and I'm a peace sign.

Not that I don't enjoy
a deserved flip off
from time to time.

You'd think they'd be perfect for each other,
but you don't feel the rush, the zap,
the hair stand up on the back of your neck
when I'm just being my self.

Too nice. Too honest.
Always saying sorry.

Chain-smoking cigarettes
and talking talking talking.

Vulnerable
like a walking exposed nerve
the heart on my sleeve is endlessly bleeding
(and you don't see the strength in that)

Social Justice Warrior
Emo Kid
Grew up under a rock
College educated idiot

Half your jokes go over my head,
or I just don't think they're that funny.
They don't strike me.
Or I laugh because you're being ridiculous.
Vulgar. Risque.

It is fun to push boundaries.

But my heart is gold twisted with black.
And I hate being an asshole.
I usually just can't help it.

I prefer chaotic good.

Isn't that where we intersect?

You're going to leave me alone
and take for granted
I'll be here
if you ever wanted
or needed
to come back.

Even if it's just to leave again.

Or you really feel better off
treating me like I'm dead.

Maybe you have no plan.

Maybe you have no worry
of what might have been
had you stayed in my life.

Or what will be
without you in it.

Because you're a middle finger
and I'm a peace sign
and you went
right through me
when I should have been the one
who cut you off
but I loved you instead.

I still just don't understand
why you would have said it
so much
if you really didn't love me back.