Nightmares, Again.

12:15am

 

Fell asleep about three hours ago. 

Had a nightmare:

People were knocking on my door. Of course I didn't answer.

They went outside and started chanting "black lives sucks" or something similar. 

People didn't know what to do.

They couldn't beat the shit out of them because then they'd end up in jail.

They didn't want the energy of the area to explode, so they didn't even want to start yelling at them.

Police didn't intervene.

All anyone could do was let the nazis yell in the middle of the street. 

They clearly wanted something horrible to happen.

Something that would make headlines and get poorly described by the media.

Trapped in people's memory as a bad story about bad protesters again, or something.

Some bullshit.

It's like fight club, but life isn't a story, and this one serves no purpose except to get people in trouble.

 

It's like living in nightmare even after you wake up.

If that really happened, what should people do?

Clasp hands and encircle the assholes like the Whos in Whoville and start singing some bright, high pitched love song at them until their fascist, bullying hearts explode?

 

I'm not sure what else to say right now.

I'm just feeling down.

It was one thing when events weren't happening like they used to - but the world is opening back up - and I'm getting left behind. There was an event tonight I normally like to go to. Spring and summer bring a lot of fun things to this place. I'm just going to have to suck it up, but I'm missing out. My life is passing me by. My back is getting fucked up. I'm just getting older and older in a room and no one would know or care if I died. 

It isn't tucked away on a forgotten lane in the middle of the woods somewhere. It's smack dab in the middle of a party that happens almost every night. I don't know if it's better this way. At least life can happen around me? Wouldn't it be nicer to talk to the trees instead of the light poles and concrete? The bricks and passing cars? What's lonelier? In the middle of the woods, there really wouldn't be anyone around for any reason. There's not even the hope of a chance of something or someone good coming your way. You'd just be stuck in the mud, literally. At least you know other people exist here. They're still alive, living, going out, doing things, having fun. You might not, but they are - how much different would the world feel if I had spent the pandemic truly all alone on some deserted road? If you think I'm a little crazy now, ha, I bet that'd be way worse. Trade offs. Whatever. I'm rambling. I don't know what to say. My computer is pressing into my arms in an uncomfortable way. The lives being lived outside are pulling at my mind, distracting me. My back is hurting. I should take some naproxen. Surprised I slept for three hours. Did I accomplish much today? Rants about the system. Trying to perfect a way to talk about how I understand the world. As if anyone really wants or needs me, specifically, to do that, but whatever. 

A lot of banging of doors in the hallways today. Can't tell what the fuck that's about. I'm just starting not to care about anything. I don't like the feeling of shutting down, shutting everything out, so you're not even really here at all. It feels wrong. I just have no other response. 

I might end up homeless. I might end up dead. The future might be nothing but bleak for me.

I'm supposed to be able to control that, make it so that doesn't happen - you know, same story - find a job, do art, follow your heart, and everything is supposed to work out or some shit.

For right now, I'm going to play a video game and just pretend I don't exist. 

And for someone who cares so much about human rights, I gotta say I wish humanity in general wasn't such a dumb fucking asshole.