6/3/2022
10:30am
The fuckers did it again last night.
Someone has repeatedly and wrongfully set off the fire alarm for the whole entire building where I live.
There are personal, normal sounding alarms in each unit.
The building alarm is an even louder, particular noise.
Over and over, they've set it off to no consequence. There's no reason.
How the building hasn't caught the person on camera, I don't understand.
Sometimes I wonder if it's the fire department themselves.
It goes off for what feels like forever, and then sometimes goes off again or in small spurts like someone has access to a control panel and is just playing with it.
One time, in an email, management said someone set it off from a certain floor but nothing about whether they got caught or what the fuck.
Otherwise, there's never an explanation.
How can this keep happening?
It's one thing to do stupid shit that falls into some grey area - like the loud sounds that tend to be around me. It's another to do something so blatantly wrong. Repeatedly.
If I live in a world that just doesn't care so much, why the fuck isn't life a lot easier? A lot nicer?
If there are no rules for people to get all worked up about breaking, shouldn't that relieve some stress - not cause more?
I'm probably thinking about it the wrong way - so many "adults" are just playground bullies and selfish, thoughtless, heartless brats - I'd feel bad for them, because it must be something about how they grew up and were damaged in the process - but I'm too busy trying to defend myself against them. They just don't care, and not in a cool way. They prove it every day. And worse, sometimes they have the power to do things like run the country.
Deliberately or not, this feels like a sick joke about "who are you gonna call for help when you can't trust the people who are supposed to help anyone?" Trying to pressure you into a different kind of bad situation just because you're all alone.
Some moron used to set it off on Halloween for maybe two or three years in a row when I first moved into the building. Don't know who it was then, either, but that stopped happening. It was so different when you just had to go outside, and it's not like it happened three or four times a fucking year. Now whoever it is is repeatedly putting me at a personal risk of getting sick and possibly even dying. Not to mention the stress response to the alarm itself. I don't know if I've gotten COVID at any point so far even though I've stayed inside. I'd need to get an antibody test to be sure. But I got sick months ago - I'd describe it as some kind of sinus infection - lasted for two weeks - just from going downstairs for a minute to get a delivery. The one time I was wearing only one face mask instead of three. I got sick after there was something burning outside too, but that was clearly irritation from whatever the hell that was.
There are always people going in and out, people who didn't wear face masks at any point, people crossing paths. When the clubs are open, the surrounding area is like living in the middle of a party. I'm not trying to spoil anyone's good time, but I am trying to live my own life and survive. Whoever is doing this is so stupid that they're fucking evil. Real stupidity has nothing to do with your IQ. Being deliberately evil is truly stupid.
I had a nightmare about it - in my dream, I was looking out the window with my phone in my hand. Someone was sitting on the ground across the street. They looked up at me, and I got a text message that said to try and use the fire escape (in real life, there is no fire escape attached to my part of the building). The person in the dream got up and walked away. I thought I heard a knock at the door (in real life, it might have just been my cat getting out of his chair). Woke up.
I feel harassed. I have nowhere else to go. I have to put up with it. It isn't right.
Running out of things to say about it. Just feeling nauseous and angry.
I've got to worry about an income, whether it's worth it to get involved with this one program if they might not always even have work for you to do, and I guess all this other bullshit is supposed to make me feel like I should think about trying to leave instead - but again - I have nowhere else to go. I don't want to leave anyway. I just want to live my life.
I feel like a kind of philosophical refugee here. It's more than just familiar, the longest I've ever lived anywhere. It's the only place I can imagine being - at least for all the things I thought it stood for.
It's so beyond fucked up that anyone has tried to mess with me - mess with the area - whatever the fuck they're trying to do. It's been hell. As if some people decided to torture anyone who needed to stay inside. My situation could easily be so much worse - how would they know? They don't know me. I could be someone stuck in a bed - I've met two different people in a position like that. I could be someone who has worse health issues. I've gotten sick and been in enormous pain just being in here. The horror of my back going out and then they pull some shit like this. It makes me hate them and I don't even know who they are - and then I hate that they made me hate them so much. It's almost absurd. A circus of bullshit. It's just wrong.
There are so many theories that have run through my mind. If people don't feel safe outside, or inside, do they just implode? Imagine a villain got hold of the CIA's psychological research and is employing tactics on the general public. Some sick overgrown child who didn't even know anyone enough to love them despite the usual frustrations of humanity and who is just playing a game with us all.
I've wondered if it's a real estate scheme. This is supposed to be low income housing. I've been specifically told there's a 99 year lease. It's not like someone can buy it up and turn it into a club - though I wonder why the hell they made this place into apartments in the first place. It used to be a club years and years ago - it's a historic building, it used to be a lot of things - but a club honestly would have made more sense with the area. If you live deep inside the building, maybe it doesn't matter, but my room has always felt like a torture box. I got jobs at night, cleaning, to compensate. I adapted, I didn't complain. I miss a lot of my old life, even. Walking to and from work, smoke breaks, singing, a sense of independence I have lost. Mostly just felt down for not reaching my potential more quickly, not really understanding what the fuck was going on with the world around me, but I still feel that way now anyway.
It doesn't make sense someone would push you out just to have your space. There are - at minimum - 16,000 empty apartments throughout the city. I'm sure there are empty apartments within the building itself, even. There's a campaign to house 3,000 people - half of the over 6,000 they've counted as homeless - and landlords are pledging units. If I had to guess, it would just be more convenient for someone if I wasn't here. I pissed someone off, they don't like me, and they have a lot of friends - or can pay people to do horrible things. But that's a guess, I don't know. Just trying to make sense of what's felt like straight up torture. This area had issues, but nothing to this level before 2020, before the pandemic.
I've wondered if the whole city is being punished for decriminalization. If that's what it's really about. Someone was mailing me letters - which they never used to do - at the start of the pandemic. They always had a "drug free america" sticker on them. My imagination has run in wild loops around the horrible thought - have you ever seen the movie Fail Safe? - and then this war broke out - I don't believe so much in psychics, but I do understand what it means to take an educated guess and to be right enough that it gives off the illusion... I keep telling myself, reminding myself, I don't know. I could be wrong and I hope I'm wrong. But it's so easy to lose track of what's going on with how the news cycle moves - it's hard to see the big picture. I'd imagine someone with a home and family and a 40+ hour a week job just simply not having the time to know what the fuck was going on about anything. Trying to pay attention is exhausting, and what can you expect when people are already exhausted to begin with? And what if that was the point?
I should stop right now. I'm having a panic - I wouldn't call it a panic attack - but a panic response. I start going off about every little idea, dumping out the file folders in my brain, searching for some kind of answer. Soothing myself but continuing to freak myself out at the same time. When it gets really bad, I tell myself to "save it for the scifi" and I don't normally do more than make an audio recording, which feels safer than writing it out. I just don't know what to do. My mind goes back to that quote by Zora Neale Hurston: "If you are silent about your pain, they'll kill you and say you enjoyed it."
I did not enjoy this. There was nothing fun about this. This has been a kind of hell. And just because it could always be worse doesn't make it right.
Whatever the hell is going on, I need to balance out the horror stories with the potential good. I don't know either way, so it's just as possible that maybe this is all for a reason I'd admire if I only knew. But it does feel like something is going on - this was not just an organic string of events - whether you're talking about my own personal life, the street I live on, the city I live in, the country I live in, the world at large, and everyone in between.
I guess I should address the obvious before I move on to my job search for the day.
The alarms: why do we need them in the first place? How much more dangerous is everything when they either malfunction or we turn them off all together?
I see a connection between the alarm and authority response, too. If the authorities are malfunctioning, is it better to disconnect them and have none at all? Will something else, worse, naturally takes its place? Why can't we just repair the problem - come up with a whole new alarm system? Time, money, effort - wouldn't they be worth it if the system is so necessary? Someone might say the building itself isn't worth the cost of the new alarm, but that's a cruel judgement - regardless of whatever figure the government comes up with to justify costs, people are priceless. Human life is priceless. (And making horrible things happen to try and "prove the point" for why we needed alarms is just evil.)
Almost noon already. I can never get into a rhythm with my life. I spent so much of my childhood living the same exact day every day that you'd think I'd love the more chaotic structure but my body doesn't respond well - I'm always tired. (Though, who am I kidding? I was always tired back then, too. I'm always fucking tired. If something is wrong with me, why hasn't anyone ever noticed?) I never know what the hell is going to happen. I don't know if I'm going to end up awake all night - bass thumping through my brain so loud I can't think, or more recently, awake in a silent void that can fall on the area when the clubs aren't open. Either way, awake all night, or possibly falling asleep at a crazy early hour like 11pm and waking up at 7am for a week until for some reason that shifts again...I can just never get a real grip on the passing of time. And that would be more fine if it didn't feel like a ticking clock, always getting closer to eviction and homelessness - if I can't find a job. A remote job. A remote job I don't need to be awake and at my best at 6am every day for... or at least, not one where I'd need to be smiling and pleasant for anybody.
Ugh, someone is smoking - I think - something - that just smells awful - again. I would think it was weed, but it always smells the same - must be the worst weed in the world. There's a moldy dampness to it, like they've been storing it in their sock. It always smells the same. Comes wafting in through the window - or at least I think that's where it's coming from. I wish they'd at least get better shit. Whatever that is, sucks.
I could go off about the sad irony that I was using cannabis with intention, studying it, and trying to help myself medically when all these people just want to fuck off for fun, and yet I haven't had any for forever...but that's bitter. Everyone can benefit from things that make you feel better. It just seems like few people care about anything the way I do, and I could really use some good RSO right now...my back is still hurting, and my thigh is still numb. It'd also be nice just to mentally release long enough to enjoy a day or two. Everyone needs that - everyone should have more good days than bad.
I'm going to try and take that exam and see where this one opportunity leads me. I don't have much choice. Maybe try to find a couple more jobs to apply to first. Maybe make something to eat. Do I need to eat right now? Might just be thirsty. Being a human is ridiculous. It's amazing any of us got this far.
(It's okay if you laughed at that, I think it's funny too)
***
6/4/2022
2:49am
I don't check my door often, but I did tonight.
They put a notice dated 6/3/2022 saying the fire alarm was set off by a malfunction - that someone has messed with the alarm in their unit and that's what set it off. They're saying they will inspect people's apartments if the "error" is still showing on Monday.
I want to call bullshit so badly.
How are you supposed to trust anything if you think they'd lie about that?
And why lie?
Because it's a liability or something? It's on them if someone keeps getting inside and setting off the alarm. It's on them if they're letting it happen. If it's even some sick joke involving local authorities who should be helping people, not torturing them... If. If. If.
But I can't prove that.
I can't lose my home.
I can't do jack shit.
The bass was awful again tonight.
Yes, it's Friday.
There's a carnival in town.
What could I expect?
But there's just no reason for the bass - it's not even the music - it's just that one low frequency of sound - to be so fucking loud.
If someone came over and stuck a drill in your ear, it wouldn't matter how many times they did it, wouldn't you still cry out every time? Wouldn't it drive anyone crazy? Irritated? Angry?
If the point was to get me to move out, don't you think I would have done that a long time ago if that was an option? Why the fuck would I stick around if I had somewhere else to go? Just to have this negative impact on my health and well-being on a regular basis? What the fuck.
It's crazy to think anyone is supposed to be having fun in this nightmare.
It's got to feel different, sound different, if you're down on the street and possibly drunk.
I'm sober and stuck in a box.
This is not fun.
I gotta say, though, at least it makes some sense for them to be so loud outside.
It makes no sense whatsoever that my own building would be against me in any way.
People who have worked in the office always said their goal was to keep you housed.
It's supportive low income housing. It's supposed to be more helpful than even the average apartment building.
Why they hell is this happening?
I don't want to leave this city, but I know it'd be like moving to a whole new place if I just moved into a different area.
I started out on the other side of the city, and since I left I don't see anyone I used to see before.
I don't know how many people just moved away entirely, but if they still live here, it's like we live in separate worlds.
Of course, now that I'm always in my apartment, I just live in my own world.
A box that gets banged on. Hidden in plain sight.
I'm so sick of people yelling. It's never anything nice, not even real words most of the time. Not even some argument that could make some sense. Just mean bullshit.
Sirens. Can't tell who is making that noise or for what purpose.
Motorcycles. Car engines. Trucks.
Whatever makes that horrendous sound. Sometimes with a pop pop pop. Like
it's the closest they get to being a roaring animal. Why would anyone
want to be them?
Bass. Just the bass without any music overlaid on top of it. Is it supposed to make people want to leave? Does this seem to ever work? I don't think so. I don't think anything will ever make people just go away if that's what somebody wanted. Just look at the pandemic.
There will always at least be tourists who don't know better, who haven't been here, who want to spend money and feel free and will move on to the next - maybe those are the only people they want, anyway.
Someone is always doing negative, stupid shit, as if they're a dysfunctional child trying to get attention and I just don't have the patience. I don't even get the kind of attention I need and I'm not being an obnoxious brat about it. I form sentences and make valid arguments. They bang on the side of the building and make horrible noise.
(I should be more considerate of the idea that people have different abilities - some aren't good with words, or maybe they lost their ability to make coherent arguments over time - and that's why they make noise instead. They can't form the thoughts or communicate them for some reason. This is the best they have. Or I'm being naive and it's obviously just a bunch of bullies like it feels like it is - they make noise because someone can write that off different than they could an actual statement - you wouldn't argue with me because I would win... but still, the communication issue could be a factor. It's hard to know what's real on this street anymore, and what's some kind of deliberate act for some purpose - and I don't want to accidentally play into someone's negative agenda, as much as I can help it.)
It's 3:05am. I didn't eat a proper meal today. I had a 10mg protein bar, some trail mix, and three cheese sticks. Usually I have noodles, peas, cheese, and spices once a day. I didn't drink one of the 20mg protein/300mg caffeine/BCAA energy drinks I have. Made a mix of great value and crystal light drink powder with ginger and cinnamon when I woke up this morning. I think it's like 380mg caffeine total. Still haven't finished it. I only took one naproxen.
Back has been sore mostly around the spine and on the right side. Helps when I don't scrunch up into one position for a long time, which I tend to do when I'm stressed, especially working on the computer. Maybe a 3 or 4 out of 10 on the pain scale. Back of my right thigh is still numb, but I want to say I think it might be getting better.
I applied to four jobs today. Didn't hear back about rental assistance for July and August. They're raising rent starting September.
Dunno what else to say or go off about. I should be using my time and blog space for important things. I've talked about that already. I go off on pseudo-speeches on my audio diary and this is more for inarguable details.
Someone is playing a guitar. Not super loud. That's nice at least.
I also needed a sense of escape badly, wanted the feeling of walking around a place, so I downloaded a free game called "Dawn". It took three hours to download and only 30 minutes to play, but it's free, and really very pretty. I love how things glow. I'd really like to make video game versions of my stories. It'd be my personal masterwork: Writing - story/plot, dialogue, character development. Visual art: illustration, animation. The music. And gameplay. The whole package. A one woman/person show.
(Side note: a lot of consideration about ideas and accessibility. It seems to me that making a short video for youtube might be the most accessible thing I could do. A million people might read a story, but 10 million people would see a short video online. You can write about anything. I want to say things that feel like they need to be said. So, as much as I love the video game idea, I can't help but think that might not really help in terms of accessibility. It'd be fun and a cool way to tell the story, but even less people would probably end up experiencing it. I still want to do it, but a video - which can still have animation, music, story elements - might be best. Maybe I can design a game with the videos - choose your own adventure - and you click on the next video based on how you want the story to go? I'll think about it...)
I've downloaded opentoonz and blender, gimp, cakewalk, and davinci resolve - so far I've mostly just fucked around with cakewalk. There's a lot to learn before you can really just put things together. I had to get a lot of extras just to figure out the pitch. But it's all free, which is awesome. What a time to be alive. And how horrible to be left out of all this advancement just because you don't have a computer, internet, or feel like you can't figure out how any of it works. I was using a broken chromebook that wouldn't update for the last two years. I couldn't have done this stuff if I wanted to. Now I have so much I have to learn how to use - it's like starving and losing all your teeth to malnutrition, and then being sat down in front a feast and you still can't eat.
I want to say that I will find a way. I will get tried, and frustrated, and sad, but I will keep trying.
I just don't want to play into the same old bullshit that makes people feel like their life is all their fault.
No it's fucking not.
It's not always about people who "tried hard enough" and people who didn't.
That's not the whole equation.
And just relying on some fortune cookie sentence about not giving up isn't going to save me.
It helps.
But it doesn't mean everything will for sure work out just because I want it to badly enough.
And that's important for people to realize if they're ever going to have empathy for people who are struggling.
If they're ever going to realize just how truly LUCKY they are to have "succeeded" in anything at all.
And maybe to even figure out why some people "make it" when so many talented people don't. It's as if you're "chosen" based on an agenda - not because of your own skills or perseverance alone - and they only let enough people "make it" to give the illusion that anyone could. To keep you trying - to keep you working some other dead end job with this little dream in your heart of someday - because otherwise you'd just give up on the system entirely. And if you perpetuate the line that "you just have to try hard enough and never give up" then you're encouraging that mentality - and that's really (at least a big part of) why they make it. They say what someone wants them to say, on top of their talent, their portfolio of work, their resilience, drive, dedication, energy. They are the "good example" they want people to emulate, to imagine they could ever be, and as Chuck Palahniuk wrote:
“We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.”
Similarly (I thought Gloria Steinham said this, but now I can't find the origin...):
"If you're not angry, you're not paying attention."
When people are angry, justifiably angry, they are more likely to call for and enact change.
As the protests of 2020 showed everyone - if you were paying attention - it's also devastatingly easy to demonize people who are angry - even justifiably angry.
The system doesn't want you to be angry. It wants you to be scared, obedient, and easy.
It might sound too vague to talk about things in these terms - "they", "the system" - we've been prompted to dismiss statements like that. But it's also designed so we don't know who exactly to blame. What everyday person knows the names of every person in leadership? Every CEO? Or even the main company that owns dozens of others? Can name those responsible for every preventable tragedy? Who do you hold accountable when you don't even know who anyone is? Or when the blame should be split - good intentions, bad results vs. bad intentions from the start. What does fair accountability even look like? How can you talk about what is so obvious in front of you when you're not given words to explain it? That's why it's so vague. But it's true. I can tell you it's true because to prove it, you only need to look at who benefits and who struggles to survive. Who is scared, and why, and who is living a full life, has full agency and autonomy, can do whatever they please, and isn't bothered in the slightest. Not because they've temporarily drugged themselves into that oblivion - people who have nothing to lose - but because they can afford not to care. Everything people commonly say is wrong with our planet starts to become increasingly visible then, not just some intangible idea but hard fact.
There's so much goddamn money floating around the world - this arbitrarily assigned unit of value that no one can ever confirm even really exists in the numbers reported - who is to say? why do we just believe them? we have no choice and no way to know otherwise...never believe anyone who says we - as a whole country or world or collective - just don't have the money to solve a problem - if money was all it would take. They don't want to just house people. They don't want to just give people food, education, healthcare. Universal basic income. If we didn't need money so badly, their tactics of control would fall apart.
If someone works for a company, they might identify with their workplace. "I need that job and don't want to have to consider, every day, some horrible thing that company is doing to the world." It's not evil of them - the system is what's evil - because they shouldn't have to compromise humanity in order to survive. But they have kids and bills and fear, so they'll hate the people complaining instead. Meanwhile, that worker was never the real issue, they're a brick in the wall holding the castle up. Same if you're talking about other groups beyond companies - groups that hold up systems of supremacy or cruelty or bigotry - the smaller moving parts act in defense because they feel personally attacked. But instead of joining together with those who point out how dangerously flawed things are, how they negatively impact those outside of that group or company or whatever, they keep the horrors in place - they think their livelihood is at stake - and don't see how our collective survival is wrapped up in each other. Imagining they will be protected somehow for defending their situation. Meanwhile, we're all pretty fucked - some more than others.
Guitar person has turned to a harmonica.
Bob Dylan was in town recently for a concert.
I'm sure they've gone on to the next show now.
But it was cool to imagine them wandering around town.
I wonder what they thought.
3:27am
Don't know what to do with myself now.
It's the weekend. Not that it means a whole lot for me personally, but still.
The energy in the air just says to do something fun.
You'll die anyway, either way, might as well enjoy as much of your life as you can.
***
6/4/2022
11:03am
Adding to this post instead of making a new one because it's all related to the same thing and I want to keep the thoughts in one place.
I got plenty of sleep. Sometimes that still doesn't matter. Because - nightmares.
Overall, I haven't really dreamt - or had dreams I remembered when I woke up - much in the last decade.
I just didn't hit that level of REM sleep or just had to wake up so quickly, they didn't have time to stick, or maybe cannabis did have an impact on that - but of course when it comes to PTSD - reducing nightmares would be part of the point. Some combination of all three.
Anyway, I've been keeping track of my dreams since getting locked down into my apartment in 2020. There were a bunch of nightmares that took place in different contexts and environments, but it was the same basic thing: people trying to get into my space, sometimes simply as way to get somewhere else, without face masks on. I'd plead with them, tell them how I haven't left and was afraid of the virus, but they'd barge in anyway. I must have had a dozen different dreams like that.
For some reason, I don't have those so much anymore. People aren't even wearing face masks at all in my dreams lately. It isn't a thought. As if it's a world that never had COVID at all.
Other things go wrong, but not that.
I've had a series of dreams where I said goodbye to different, specific people.
Loads of dreams where I'm back in a living situation that was familiar to me in school.
I'm trying to remember them all...someone is yelling outside.
Anyway, last night, it was a nightmare.
I don't need to go into details. The point I'm trying to make is more that these dreams feel so transportive to me.
So. Fucking. Real.
I might seem caught up in the obvious - yeah dummy, that's what a dream is like.
But the feeling really lingers. If you were watching a movie and suddenly, literally, found yourself inside that movie, then got back out again - that wouldn't just be an everyday experience.
I'm holding onto the dreams, the moments, where I said goodbye to people because it really feels like that's the last time I saw them. I guess, at least for one person, maybe that's because the dream was better than the actual last time I saw them. But still...
Someone is using the call box outside, downstairs. It's weird that it's so loud I can hear it ring. Maybe someone is just making the noise on a speaker - for whatever reason, that's happened with other sounds. Like they want you to think something is one thing when it's another. Some game being played out.
I'm not in the call box. Never have been. But management recently asked me if I wanted to be put in it - I told them no. It occurred to me that people might be exploiting the box somehow - but then you'd also be able to trace who called who and figure things out if people were fucking around, wouldn't you?
I sound like an old ninny, so concerned over getting people in trouble. I'm not. I have no interest in just getting people in trouble. I just want to feel like there's a way to know if someone is being cruel. There's a way to figure it out.
My first thoughts of the day were about the fire alarm incident. It's not just about the alarm - management did an inspection of my apartment and replaced my alarm at the end of April. While they were here, they gave me some concerning information, and specifically mentioned something about "in case of a medical emergency". They replaced my fire alarm and left. Overall, it seemed like a positive interaction. I believe I got a grocery delivery the next day or the day after. So there was a human interaction then, too. Then, about four days later, on May 1st, I was in that horrible pain. It was really a "medical event". Under normal circumstances I would have gone to the ER. But I was scared of getting COVID at the hospital, scared of leaving my apartment, and decided to just wait and see if the pain would pass. It did. Or at least I think that part of whatever is better now. I'm just having this more general pain my spine and the numbness in my right leg. The fact that they specifically mentioned the idea that there could be a "medical event" struck me the moment they said it, but also rang in my head especially when I got sick so soon after. I can't say they had anything to do with it - I've wondered if there was something on their shoes? But I sure as hell am not stoked at the idea they'd come into my apartment again.
Someone is running some kind of machine outside. Whatever. My headphones are charged, it should be easy enough to drown them out. The lengths it seems people have gone to be deliberately awful - distracting - it must have cost me a lifetime of thoughts at this point. Not that anyone really cares, right?
They stopped before I even reached up for the headphones. Good. Nice.
I'd like to keep them charged for tonight. Saturday is usually louder than Friday.
How can I complain too much? It used to be pretty much every day of the week back when I worked at nights to avoid it. At least that life made more sense, though, didn't it?
A train of thought on that: I'm 32 now. I've lived in this same apartment since I was 25.
What kind of future should I expect for myself? What was ever possible?
The only way I could "meet" anyone now is if I talked to them online.
I probably won't ever have a family, then. Unless I somehow become independently wealthy and adopt?
And I wouldn't, couldn't, have a kid in this room. Someone who needed to sleep. Someone who I didn't want to have to hear people yelling or possible gun shots or whatever amount of chaos. People burning shit outside.
As an adult, I'm fine. I guess. This hasn't been easy, but I'm alive. Maybe it has ruined my life. I'm supposed to think and then take those thoughts and put them into words and build whole worlds out of it. All I can do is bitch because it's the easiest thing to say. Turning on a faucet of emotions and letting it spill out endlessly - not taking pieces and constructing anything. But whatever, I just wouldn't put a kid through it. Their development would suffer from never being able to get regular sleep, they'd be distracted, and subjected to the same shit on a different level that I was as a kid - just people yelling around you, angry things, on a regular basis. The energy of misery in the air all the time.
Someone is saying "fuck you" under my window right now.
It's one thing to curse. I loved that my gram cursed. I curse.
But it's the tone. The purpose. The total stranger who you don't know so they're unpredictable. Fuck that.
Of course it'd be awesome if I could help where I live - somehow - instead of just feeling trapped in it.
I've supported the 3000 Challenge, though honestly I feel like people need more time and I'm not sure where all the money is going - my life would cost $10,000 a year. Even when I calculated for someone who would be moved into a more expensive apartment, calculated for electric and services - it didn't really add up to the total they were asking for. And at the same time, one year doesn't feel like enough. Even if people were signed up for disability or section 8 - something that would help continue to pay the rent and keep them housed in that space once the program ended - it just doesn't feel like enough time in case they don't get awarded those services right away. Or if they are on the borderline and just don't qualify. Then they're back on the street in a year. People do need more than their rent paid - you might have a home now, but you need toiletries, cleaning supplies, basic things that aren't in any way a luxury. Without them, you get sick and your home goes to shit. They might need people to come in and help them. Maybe that's what the money will be for...but it doesn't explicitly say that, so I don't know.
It runs through my mind that there are millions of people who grew up in chaotic, dangerous, desperate environments and who might have turned out a lot better than I have. I'm still living out some narrative my school gave me about breaking the cycle of poverty. But I can only speak for myself. I was a sad, lonely kid. Plain and simple. But I wasn't worried someone would shoot me. I didn't have constant noise interrupting my thoughts. In some ways, maybe it was too quiet. There needed to be more music. I infused that into my world more as I got older, but 10, 11, 12 years old was a militaristic experience. No matter my age, even through college, I was always surrounded by people, but felt alone. A phantom floating through the hallways, slipping past people. Even as an "adult" I mostly just went to work and came back to my apartment. There were some fun nights of long conversations and endlessly smoking cigarettes, but there was a physical price for drinking - one I don't think other people necessarily have to worry about. No matter whether I'm in school or "the real world" I feel so alienated. School was too conservative, and this world is too chaotic.
There's been a cacophony of sirens the last few minutes. Sounds like every kind they've got. That happens a lot though, and when I look to see what's going on, I don't see any incidents that line up. Don't even know for sure if it's the actual authorities or someone pretending to be. I don't look outside anymore.
There goes one of those stupid motorcycles with the popping noise. Pretty sure it's a motorcycle. I have seen a station wagon making motorcycle sounds, so who knows. I try to let it pass like an unpleasant thought. Sometimes the sounds echo in my ears long after they've driven away.
12:10pm and I feel tired again.
Haven't had caffeine yet today, I'm sure that will help.
It's like getting back on a carousel. Gotta do it if you're gonna do more than sleep,but you just spin in circles going nowhere until the mechanism runs out of fuel.
Goldfish can get really big when you put them in a big tank. What happens when you put a big goldfish in a little tank? (She asked, metaphorically speaking)
Why the fuck can't I just fulfill my dreams? I said before, I have story ideas. Just write one. Isn't that all you're/I'm supposed to be doing?
I just feel tired.
Some energy vampire has sucked the life out of me. I could fall asleep in this chair.
Options:
a) get up. chug an energy drink. keep writing.
b) get up. chug an energy drink. end up looking at stuff online, the news, and probably ranting about some down to earth topic - but not writing scifi stories (this happens a lot).
c) get up. energy drink. put on music and dance around. maybe your body is breaking down and that's why you're so tired. you need some exercise.get blood flowing.
d) get up. energy drink. all these ideas start running through my mind - the possibilities of the day. I could paint a watercolor background, upload it to opentoonz, overlay an animation, and then add music I made in cakewalk - then upload that somewhere and if I made a series of them maybe I could ask people to support my art and then I'd have money for rent and supplies and wouldn't be so goddamn doomed. (I get these idea rushes a lot and often nothing comes of it - I end up doing option b)
e) go back to sleep. try again later.
f) oh yeah, I downloaded another free game: kibbi keeper. Dawn only took 30 minutes to play. these games are made by students so it's more than just fun, I like thinking about how I would make a game myself. maybe I could start the day this way - it is Saturday, and I have a lifetime of Saturday mornings spent cleaning instead of being a kid to catch up on...
g) I'm honestly going to pick option f and see where I go from there, but of course I realize I should be looking for jobs until I land one. Income. Income. Income. Find an income. Well, art can do that too. But so risky, unlikely, so I've got to apply for things I have to just hope I can do. I can't just not apply. I have to. Have to be a miserable person just doing what I can to survive because that's what people are forced to do in this world. How absurd of me to think I might make a living doing anything I actually want to do, at the pace my body and mind is prepared to accomplish it. Keep the dream alive, sure, but know it's a dream. Something like that. Something sad like that.
also h) at some point today, cut up the ginger and put it in the freezer...gotta do that before it goes bad....
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