I quit! [Port-Versary]

 UPDATE 6/16/25

AGAIN: I KNOW NOW THAT CANNABIS IS MY MEDICINE

AND MY REAL PROBLEM WAS BULLIES AND POVERTY 

 

 

 ORIGINAL POST 8/9/14

The first thought I had this morning: you should wake up with a smile.
Maybe it would help set the tone for the whole day.
I'm clenching my jaw already, stomach aches, but otherwise okay.

I quit smoking weed last night.
I already quit smoking cigarettes. Was it a week ago? I don't even remember. Don't miss 'em.
I'd been running low on green, but I noticed I felt better the less I smoked.
Then I spent yesterday sober.
It occurred to me: okay, this is your chance. Just keep going.
I haven't been straight-laced since - I think - 10 days in December 2012.
I'm not promising to never ever smoke again, but I have to find out for myself before it's too late.

Find out how much is the weed, and how much is me. 

I will be paying attention to myself:
- Memory: how much do I forget naturally, and how much was wiping the neurons from my head?
- Do I make the same amount of mistakes/spelling errors/leaps of thought and judgement?
- Will these intense fears stop occurring to me, or if not, will I be able to better defend myself?
- Will I feel the connections in my brain "grow back"? Will I go back to being who I thought I was?
- Will I find myself overflowing with energy?
- Will I eliminate false, intoxication based friendships?
- Will I feel better about myself, my health, my abilities, my level of competence?
- Or, will I discover things I didn't even expect?

I know people who can smoke every day and still have their shit together.
They lead awesome lives.
At this point in time, I've decided I am not one of them.
And I know if I ever join their ranks again, it will be with a lot more self-discipline.

You'll see this if you're around it long enough: the people who only need one hit and they are glorious.
These aren't new smokers. I think they just realize how they feel and don't need to rip bong after bong.

The health of a glass of red wine at night vs. getting wasted, shit faceted, pasted, blasted, puke drink up, get a new drink, hit the bathroom sink, throw up, wipe your shoe clean, got a routine, knowing still got a few chunks on your shoestring showing and then again every morning so you don't get the shakes.

It could be their body chemistry - that's something people don't factor in.
There is a general experience, but general experiences don't account for the rest of the bell curve.

I'm probably just this kind of person. 
I needed weed to help me learn what it physically felt like to be okay.

If I had maintained small doses since I started smoking, I might be a lot better off today and without any negative connotations or self-hatred over what - I think, by and large - really does help people lead a better quality of life. I just overindulge. In many areas of life, I am often too much.

So here's to hoping my head doesn't explode, and I don't crack my teeth, and my muscles don't tighten up to the point where I can't walk to the bathroom in the morning (it happened before). Here's to hoping it will be almost pathetically easy, and I will come to see this as the breaking point in my life - I had all the fun of my adolescence at once - and now I've learned enough to start leading a life I want (not just need).

Nice timing too, as it's my 2nd year anniversary of moving to Portland. 
Blows my mind to think that's all it has been...