3:30am [Right Now]

I don't want to think about it
not right now

I don't want it to hurt about it
not right now

I don't want a poem about it
not right now

I just want to numb it out and
forget about it
for right now'

Everything I did wrong
Friends will say I didn't
Who can say if they weren't there?
Who can know if they weren't there?
Was He?
Was I?
Were we?
Even half the time?
How much can you remember when you were trying not to feel?

Let it go for right now

Let it be for right now

Let it heal for right now

Before my heart implodes
scattering shattered mirrors

Before my tears drown me
and I float away on their river

Before my hands keep writing
Shitty, half-assed, poetry
The kind most people don't put online
But they have a different kind of shame than me

No, no please no more!
not right now
not tonight
nothing's right now

Please, let me just feel free
Let me believe
We're all going to be
Alright now

Science Saves Your Life, Singing Saves Your Soul [poem]

Not another sad sorry story.

Not another backboneless attempt,

to reckon and redeem myself, my humanity, a memory -

worse in person than in print.



How many times can you quit something and still be allowed to call it that?

What good is it to point out what's bad if you always keep on going back?

Who am I to suffer when I bring joy to no one else?

Why not try a new reality, not one I see, when either's truth lies in the believing?

I quit! [Port-Versary]

 UPDATE 6/16/25

AGAIN: I KNOW NOW THAT CANNABIS IS MY MEDICINE

AND MY REAL PROBLEM WAS BULLIES AND POVERTY 

 

 

 ORIGINAL POST 8/9/14

The first thought I had this morning: you should wake up with a smile.
Maybe it would help set the tone for the whole day.
I'm clenching my jaw already, stomach aches, but otherwise okay.

I quit smoking weed last night.
I already quit smoking cigarettes. Was it a week ago? I don't even remember. Don't miss 'em.
I'd been running low on green, but I noticed I felt better the less I smoked.
Then I spent yesterday sober.
It occurred to me: okay, this is your chance. Just keep going.
I haven't been straight-laced since - I think - 10 days in December 2012.
I'm not promising to never ever smoke again, but I have to find out for myself before it's too late.

Find out how much is the weed, and how much is me. 

I will be paying attention to myself:
- Memory: how much do I forget naturally, and how much was wiping the neurons from my head?
- Do I make the same amount of mistakes/spelling errors/leaps of thought and judgement?
- Will these intense fears stop occurring to me, or if not, will I be able to better defend myself?
- Will I feel the connections in my brain "grow back"? Will I go back to being who I thought I was?
- Will I find myself overflowing with energy?
- Will I eliminate false, intoxication based friendships?
- Will I feel better about myself, my health, my abilities, my level of competence?
- Or, will I discover things I didn't even expect?

I know people who can smoke every day and still have their shit together.
They lead awesome lives.
At this point in time, I've decided I am not one of them.
And I know if I ever join their ranks again, it will be with a lot more self-discipline.

You'll see this if you're around it long enough: the people who only need one hit and they are glorious.
These aren't new smokers. I think they just realize how they feel and don't need to rip bong after bong.

The health of a glass of red wine at night vs. getting wasted, shit faceted, pasted, blasted, puke drink up, get a new drink, hit the bathroom sink, throw up, wipe your shoe clean, got a routine, knowing still got a few chunks on your shoestring showing and then again every morning so you don't get the shakes.

It could be their body chemistry - that's something people don't factor in.
There is a general experience, but general experiences don't account for the rest of the bell curve.

I'm probably just this kind of person. 
I needed weed to help me learn what it physically felt like to be okay.

If I had maintained small doses since I started smoking, I might be a lot better off today and without any negative connotations or self-hatred over what - I think, by and large - really does help people lead a better quality of life. I just overindulge. In many areas of life, I am often too much.

So here's to hoping my head doesn't explode, and I don't crack my teeth, and my muscles don't tighten up to the point where I can't walk to the bathroom in the morning (it happened before). Here's to hoping it will be almost pathetically easy, and I will come to see this as the breaking point in my life - I had all the fun of my adolescence at once - and now I've learned enough to start leading a life I want (not just need).

Nice timing too, as it's my 2nd year anniversary of moving to Portland. 
Blows my mind to think that's all it has been...

A Letter From My Mother

Laura,

I don't want to upset you with matters of religion, I know how you feel, but I suspect the anti christ may be on the scene soon, and if you don't take the mark of the beast you cant buy or sell, and if you do you will go to hell, and if you don't they may kill you as well, and that,
dear daughter, is what
I have to tell.

X  heart  smilie
Mom

what the actual fuck, mom

I Don't. [The WTF Waltz]

What do you want me to believe?

1 You want me to believe you never loved me.

2 You want me to believe I am a 'stupid fucking idiot'.

3 You want me to believe I am something you could fix with medication.

1 You want me to believe your (new) version of the story.

2 You want me to believe I am 'forgetful' and 'bad at math' and 'will be fired from anywhere in a week'.

3 You want me to believe you're the adult.

1 You want me to believe I'm wrong.

2 You want me to believe I'm stuck.

3 You want me to believe you know everything.

1 You're the one in control.

2 You're the one with all the answers.

3 You're the one doing the right thing.

You want me to believe you.

For the life of me, I don't.

6/27/19: I should really rename this "I didn't, but at some point I started to."

Nobody's Baby

I was somebody's baby once,

but they left me blue.

Now I'm nobody's baby again,

just like I'd always been.

Whose baby are you?

Are you nobody's baby, too?