no blessings be for the state sanctioned murder whether near or far
in so many ways
the dead will rise again to redeem the timelines taken from them
to avenge the blood debts
back and forth forever -
trauma and trauma's fury, pain, grief, loss
burned memories
- in the most stupid possible way
that's what war is
that's what war does
tell your friends
before we all die:
war will kill us all
their idea of growing up actually meant getting shut down, broken down, held down for a real or imagined (hard to tell) sense of something like security and freedom always mixed in the right amount, in the right place, at the right time
meanwhile there would always be people doing whatever they wanted without question or concern, who would never be held to answer for their lives - and they would always be laughing at the rest of us while circling the globe a thousand times over
I'm just trying to be my own best friend
someone I'd look up to if I knew me
no one knows what the fuck they're doing anyway
***
on being a "real" enough anything:
stop covering up your subliminal social control as if you're defining what a "real" anything is...
saying real girls are always sweet and quiet. obvious bullshit.
real boys are strong and rough all the time. bullshit.
real xyz does...acts...wears...eats...sounds like...looks like...votes for...bullshit.
boring bullshit.
how do you have such a small imagination for all the possibilities of the universe?
real people are diverse variations scattered along intersecting spectrums that blend up through history, evolving into ever-shifting potential futures - deal with it.
sometimes I get sad thinking about other people being alone and sad
so I just want to wish you good feelings if you've got the blues
use this as an excuse to do whatever you want until you feel better again [don't hurt nobody]
listening to: Listen to Drug Use for Grown-Ups by Dr. Carl L. Hart on Audible. https://www.audible.com/pd/0593292944?source_code=ASSOR150021921000R
around chapter 10
thinking:
a grandfather I never met was sentenced to 15 years for heroin
for a drug I've never seen in real life myself - but I used to sell kratom and people shared how much it helped them - many in recovery
he'd had a lifetime of getting in trouble in ways that maybe he wouldn't have if he'd been the same age today
I wonder how much everything would be different if drugs hadn't been taboo at all - no one running towards them because they seemed dangerous, or demonizing them to redeem their own past use as is toooooo common
does this mean I'm probably biologically predisposed to need external sources for dopamine or something?
didn't my mom used to say she drank 10 cups of coffee a day?
and my dad would go through two cases of soda a week.
is it awesome I live in a time when cannabis is a legal option and it's all I care about personally, even over alcohol? not to act better than anybody - we are all bags of different chemical reactions.
I don't drink soda, but I need caffiene if my body is going to function.
could someone use that anecdotal evidence to argue that cannabis is useful medicine? at least I'm not stuck on something that will definitely kill me, which is the only legitimate reason to nudge people away from their vices - every other reason ends up wrapped up in some stigmatized historically cruel bullshit - once you know, you know.
I'd say yes. cannabis helps me.
life is so different when you can afford to think there is likely a tomorrow - and you'll be part of it
just don't forget the people still being demonized for stupid shit - even once you get your own sense of freedom
two people graduate from the same college
one becomes CEO of a major thing
the other is constantly on the brink of homelessness
what were their paths?
birth
home parents family memories associations
childhood
friends education health diet injury pain trauma how much time did you ever get to spend feeling safe and happy having fun
teens
levels of freedom jobs dreams available options scholarships rejections not knowing any better
twenties
your resume what you do in your free time who you meet who you impress how you deal with stress the first adult version of yourself you manage to cobble together always learning and unlearning
thirties and beyond
loves heartbreaks debts wounds vendettas enlightenments forgiveness loss open doors mistakes failures giving up (on what?) who gave you another chance and why
slow death by a thousand cruelties or the feeling of always another tomorrow
strange how they mix
if you played the movie of their lives side-by-side, what could you not help but see?
there wasn't a toll coming out of your mom person's vagina
being alive
existence
should be free
we pay the hospital, the doctor
but a society built in love wouldn't do that
the hospital, the doctor, would be your friend
your social family
and just like we did for thousands of years
we'd simply help each other
because we care
how isn't it concerning
if we don't care enough now
unless we get paid?
or that we must demand payment
from each other
to simply survive ourselves?
I'm secular
and that shit still looks cursed
if I had studied math
my life might be spent making up formulas and equations
if I had studied war
I might see the world in strategies and tactics
speaking the language of war
acting out wars with every mundane moment
but I studied the arts
and the most beautiful thing art ever taught me:
WAR. IS. FUCKING. BULLSHIT.
if we can avoid killing each other - no matter politics, no matter loyalties, no matter personal feelings - it would be best for all people, everywhere, for the rest of time...
please, just DON'T do it.
will I live to see the day we stop stigmatizing drugs? stigmatizing poverty? stigmatizing being betrayed, depressed, disempowered, in pain, for caring? will we ever develop new criterias for what a "good" life looks like, feels like, for different people? if we don't, kinda proves the point that nobody with power really gave a fuck about drugs or people, whatever crime or health means this decade - they just wanted an easy way to get what they wanted - controlling your moment to moment experience of existence - lift you up, tear you down, rebuild you the way they want...
we are inevitably dependant creatures. we are flesh bags of chemicals. it is only a cruel exploitation to play on someone's psychology before they could ever know how their own mind and body work or can be manipulated against them. to deliberately fuck with their heads when they're just trying to feel better.
cannabis in particular proved to me that we've suffered from arbitrary prohibition that's only held us back and made everything hurt in ways it never needed to. I don't have a dog in these fights, but the opioid and amphetamine pipelines from hospital to homelessness are still used against people - when you're older and in pain, you will regret what you did to these older unhoused people you claim are "just on drugs"...
they just started an 8am to 8pm camping ban - you enjoy your successful lives and I fear being forced to walk until my body breaks because I didn't dedicate my every moment to getting more money - I thought being alive should be free.
every good thing can be ruined. poorly utilized. weaponized. doesn't mean it wasn't any good. just please don't forget that, at least.
[in response to this article: https://www.nytimes.com/2023/07/09/health/seniors-substance-abuse.html?fbclid=IwAR0puMKIupD_SuNAl65JWD-Bef3CDoGs8ev7ycSEs57ebs3CnA8k5Wi8DQ4]
a rung bell
still ringing
an echo of pain
still justified
of a dream
still deferred
but how many
too many
wanted to forget why
before they even knew why
now they don't have to hear anything they don't like
and still it echoes
