11:55pm
I've got the blues.
Figured I'd try writing here again and see if that helps.
This used to be everything to me.
Something I've noticed about myself while stuck in quarantine:
As a human creature, I'm constantly seeking comfort. Even the things that start to feel like work - important work, but still - circle around my brain as if I'm trying to sort out a puzzle box filled with 12 different puzzles. Even in this I'm seeking the comfort of understanding - or imagining I could ever figure it all out.
When I'm not doing that, I'm eating. Or sleeping. Or I want something - RSO, a cigarette, socio-economic revolution, love.
I've practically quit smoking, and the few cigarettes I've let myself indulge in this summer weren't really that satisfying. But there're a lot of connections in my mind with cigarettes and old times and people that I enjoyed and miss so I still end up wanting one. Yes, I realize the hypocrisy, as I've been terrified of the virus (not to mention bullshit like expired CS gas or climate fires or the general pollution from outside that has at times filled my apartment and turned it into a death box).
If I had to pick between the two, I'd choose RSO instead, but I haven't had a consistent supply and I'm down to my last $40. While that medicine makes all the difference in the world, I need to hold out. I can't seem to make it last longer than a couple weeks. Been sucking on the ends of empties when I've been desperate for relief.
There's been a major issue with sound here and the RSO puts a cushion between me and the noise. Without it I am increasingly raw, and someone just closing their car door right outside my window at just the right moment can send shock waves through my body. It's awful. When someone comes ripping by, it isn't just annoying, it's painful. The shutdown completely changed the area where I live. Sonic booms during the protests haven't helped. Nor the strange parade of garbage trucks that were coming through nightly for a while there. That's lessened now though. Hope it stays that way.
Haven't had a consistent supply of food either - but I've got 40lbs of pancake mix, 20lbs of rice, about 10lbs of beans, 48oz (3lbs) of hot sauce, 5lbs of frozen broccoli and spinach, and I'd say 3ish pounds of potatoes. The potatoes will probably go first. Might sound a bit dramatic, but I was straight up starving for a solid month this summer with no idea what was going to happen because of the virus shutdown or how to properly prepare. Only through trial and error did I figure out the pancake mix and rice and beans were the least costly way to go. There were other issues with accessing my bank account that I won't get into. If I didn't cook and eat for comfort, that stuff would last even longer. But of course, I tend to do that. I really love food. My weight has fluctuated drastically. Almost helps to stop eating when things are bland and there's no cheese or sweets, but then my mind seeks other outlets.
Just constantly seeking.
I posted this for Day One of Inktober:
It's been hanging on the wall next to my bed all summer. I miss feeling free, and thanks to all this bullshit, I don't know if I will ever feel that way completely again. I've always been a more anxious kind of person, but after seeing how people blatantly disregarded the virus, can't help but think that if this scenario was worse, we'd all be dead. Having to second guess everyone from the police who are meant to protect you and the elected officials meant to care about you and even friends who just aren't there and I don't know why - not to mention anyone else you'd expect to give a shit - well yeah - trust is in limited supply with me these days, too.
Thank everything for my cat.
I got back online with facebook on September 18th and posted this:
The last three months have been surreal.
Pandemic shutdown. Eerie quiet punctured by roars of sound that have ripped out my ear canals and sent shock waves through my system. People screaming - horrible things: "go home stay home" and "I hope you die". Fear of getting sick. Fear of deliberately being made sick. Fear of "tracers". Protest infiltrators. Police brutality. Snatch-and-grab kidnappings. Garbage cans being set on fire. False flags. Severe injuries from munitions. Dangers of CS Gas. Dangers of expired CS gas. No one knows the long term damage because it hasn't happened on this scale yet. Protesters are arrested and let go without charges but their mugshots are posted online for people to find who might want to hurt them. Prisoners inside the justice buildings inadvertently gassed too. Every night is another war crime or a civil rights violation recorded in plain sight - but it's as if it's all too much for anyone, even the ACLU, to do anything about - at least not very quickly. Four cops pick someone out of the crowd, tackle them, pepper spray them in face while being held on the ground, punching them in the head. A girl is pat down and another protester asks if there's a lady officer to do it. Cop replies "how do you know I don't identify as a female?" and they laugh. They arrested a woman who, a couple years ago, was ignored when she reported a man harassed and attacked her. That man went and murdered two people on a max train the next day. They tell press to disperse when they have a right to stay. Declaring riots within minutes which allows them to use munitions. It's as if they're trying to get people to want to defund them. Or they're retaliating with impunity - I don't know what's more frightening. News media and politicians painting protesters in a negative light, stirring proud boys to counter-protest. Making you question just who runs this town, or if the philosophy of progress made Portland a target. Over 100 days, the people march until midnight when the crowds thin and cops start bull rushing remaining protesters who try to get away, throwing back canisters thrown at them. Feels like there's no one to really call for help; desperately whispering the question: "who polices the police?" but no one answers me because I'm sitting here all alone, by myself, reading updates from Twitter and hearing booms go off in the distance since June. Or, a few times, right on my street, around 3am. Despite the clubs being shut down, I've given up trying to sleep at night. Don't know if I'm more lucky or cursed not to have a job right now. I don't understand how so many people kept going to work. People openly coughing and spitting and sneezing. And then there are those who have no shelter in which to shelter-in-place. That could be me, that could be me, why isn't there more help for them? Do they not know what's available to them? Do they need different kinds of help? Street sweepers at night spraying stale water I can smell in my apartment while people sleep directly on the ground in the path of the spray. When you calculate every danger, it starts to feel like a holocaust. Social murder. Stacking variables, stacking threats, pushing us into cognitive dissonance. All of downtown psychologically tortured, textbook definition, and then into the neighborhoods. Portland had its deadliest month in 30 years, 150 rounds fired near where I used to live. A man ran over a motorbike and brandished a gun, but was let go. Man shot into the crowd, casings collected. Man was shot and died. I know he was "on the wrong side" but the whole point of the protests was that people should not be dying this way, even him. Man who was suspected of shooting the man was shot by police and died. I do not know his name, and I find that strange. Forest fires break out. Air quality: Hazardous. People have been calling this a "smoke break" from the protests. If it isn't the end of days, it sure looks like it. They say being out in the air is like smoking 15 cigarettes. I don't want to die, but good god I want a cigarette. I know that isn't logical, but come the fuck on, I'm stressed. Every day closer to possible eviction, I filled out some paperwork, but I don't know if I'm going to get any help. Another check for $1,200 isn't going to cover it, and I can't believe our government would let people hang in the balance this long - why not implement something earlier so people weren't scared all summer - unless that's what you wanted? Can't breathe outside the system, can't breathe inside the system. Don't hold your breath that this world will get better without everyone's help, or that this is the end of it.
You've lived through 2020 without me, but if I could have done anything to make the world a little less horrifying for you, I would have wanted to.
From COVID to police corruption, I don't know the exact nature of your struggle and you don't know mine - but I want you to know there's still love for you coming from this direction of the planet.
And yes maybe to some degree I'm just telling you what I need to hear right now but good goddamn if you need to hear it too then I don't mind.
If there was so much as a single second when you wondered "where the hell is Laura?" and wished I was here, wished I was messaging you, I'm so, so sorry.
I'm honored to have even crossed your mind and I wish you knew that's how you matter to me.
Please take a moment, close your eyes, breathe in deep, slow, as if inhaling the intention of these words and say to yourself "I am loved" and know I only want good things for you. Know that there is at least one person in this universe who is rooting for you and wants you to survive and thrive. I'm sure there are others, but you've got at least one.
I haven't been using facebook due to concerns with privacy and corruption. I want to be here and engaged with you, I'm sorry I haven't been, and I'm not entirely sure what to do about it now.
It's important to me that I tell you this. Even if we barely know each other, we don't talk anymore, we're Milt family or Ithacans or had some other adventure together, or we've unfriended/blocked each other and you're here reading this because maybe you do actually miss me - I just don't want you to be alone anywhere facing the apocalypse by yourself.
I hope you'll take this love I'm trying to send your way and you'll feel a little better. 💜 Intersectional solidarity! BLACK LIVES MATTER!
***
Looking through what others have posted in the last three months makes me feel like I'm living on a different planet.
***
When I feel lost, I ask myself: "What is the most important thing I could be doing right now?"
Then I usually end up reading the news.
I've composed a couple poems. Started some stories. I don't know what keeps me from fleshing them out. I genuinely like them even. I just don't - sometimes I think it's because my heart knows I'm being watched. I try to shut that out as just a worry, though, but it would explain why there's this feeling like I need to save my best work for when I'm safe(r).
As I write this people keep passing by blaring their bass. It hurts.
I've drawn a bit, which I'll post for Inktober. More or less run out of drawing paper so I'll have to start just doodling on random things. That could be fun though. Something interesting and unexpected might come out of it.
The dire importance of self-care - of finding zen in the chaos so you can be more effective - and just what that means for me personally has been another lesson I'm still learning.
I'm honestly a little worked up and pissed off right now by what feels like people suddenly circling my block deliberately booming their bass - it gets right into my inner ear - I fucking hate it. I've had to deal with bass issues the whole time I've lived here - even changed my entire life to accommodate because I can't afford to live anywhere else. Got jobs working at night. Now the clubs are closed down but people are still loud. Treating downtown like their playground. Which is fine, but why do you have to be so painfully disruptive? I'm back to being insecure about my housing and eviction and sensing someone has made people hate me here or something and they've been torturing me all summer. Just sucks.
Angry and ears hurting and nothing I can do about it, I don't know what else to say. I wanted to spend the time to write something comprehensive but maybe tonight just isn't the night.
I want to be someone who exudes light in this community, and it's like someone else just wants to put me in a position to seem like a bitter person no one could love.
1am and I thought there was supposed to be a full moon tonight, but I don't see it. Must have been yesterday - it was a dusty red and big in the sky around this time.
Tonight the sky is empty. Someone sleeping in front of the shelter across the street. It's been nearly silent except for the bass, what sounded like one cop playing with their sirens, and I fear the garbage truck parade might be starting.
Should I keep going? Am I just rambling? Just feels safer now to stay here, stay communicating, expressing, in case something happens. I'm torn mentally in multiple directions and I don't know what to do.
I'm feeling panicked. There's no reason, slow down. I wish my ear didn't still feel full from the sounds. I have a fan going above my stove because it hurts even worse the quieter it is whenever something comes cutting through the calm.
There's a million things I could talk about. I just don't feel like it right now.
I want comfort again. Some kind of relief. I don't want to process everything, I just want to be. At least right this second.
1:11am
2:42am
I can see the moon!
It is there!
I am just so confused why it seems to shift its position in the sky even at the same time of night.
Lover of all things cosmic, I feel ashamed for not understanding this.
I'm not even trying to sleep.
Earlier a man loudly vomited outside and then laid down flat, shirtless, on the corner.
I might sound callous, but there's been so much odd shit going on around here, you would understand if I could just explain it.
Anyway, the immediate question is: do I call for help?
And if so, who do I call?
Again, might seem like there's an obvious answer and before this year there might have been.
I dialed for non-emergency, put it on speaker, and leaned as far as I could against the screen out my window.
When he heard that, he got up and left.
This is kind of awful. There is a request from allies to abolish the police.
I understand the argument and know it's more nuanced than the simple slogan might suggest.
The question, again, who do you call for help?
The question of the year: who polices the police?
If for some reason both Biden and Trump get COVID and are out of the running, what would happen then?
If we did turn into a leaderless country, could we make it?
I think Portland could, but there's still some fight between what seems like the people who care and the people who are following orders.
I should have thought about this more before I started writing.
My mind is filling up with visions that I find frightening.
I don't want to unleash those ideas just because they'd be the worst case scenarios.
Not sure how it would be helpful or even a warning. Might manifest just because I said it.
Would rather take the time to dream up how it could go right instead.
That's just not usually my instinct.
2:55am
3:46am
I've been recording obnoxiously loud street sweepers and trucks all night.
It's not a good time.
I don't even know what I'm doing it for - who am I going to show it to who cares?
But I regret not getting more of this on camera earlier - my phone just didn't have the space.
On a more important note, I wrote this and wanted to save it here:
Tonight there is a mural being painted to honor Patrick Kimmons.
I believe his case is a good example of when people pick and choose who they think should die or who deserves empathy when they are killed by police.
Another recent example of the same problem is the police killing of Michael Reinoehl.
Because the police chose to kill these men on site, they never got to explain their actions. We will never know their side of the story - so we will never know the whole truth.
I do not believe in the death penalty. If we set a standard that killing each other is wrong - it must always be wrong. If we designed a tranquilizer gun then police might still run the risk of killing a subject or having them drowsy and armed (which could pose a risk), but we would no longer have a guaranteed death.
Maybe that's not the answer, but an outright refusal to even consider alternatives leads me to think there's a desire to dispose of anyone deemed a threat and the goal is not to really help anyone, but instead get rid of the disobedient. To them, you seem like you're in the wrong, and they feel justified in ending your life.
The fact that this kind of execution by police is disproportionately happening to the black population (particularly those suffering from mental illness, though not always ) and regardless of "guilt" - too often when they did NOTHING WRONG much less anything that would mean they DESERVED TO DIE - is the whole point behind BLACK LIVES MATTER.
***
I've got a twingy tension headache. Feels like I've been unconsciously gritting my teeth again.
Had a filling fall out this summer that's been in my mouth since I was 7.
Haven't been to a dentist since I graduated high school in 2008.
Somebody is letting something fall to the ground outside - sounds a lot like one of the trucks is unloading.
What is really the fairest thing in this situation?
No one should have to be exposed to toxic bullshit because of where they live.
This is low income housing, but why should that mean you deserve to suffer?
And clearly there's something different now than there ever has been - the clubs would shut down by 3am most night and I'd hear the garbage truck come through but it was like they came and went and that was it.
This summer has been a parade of bullshit.
Just doesn't make any sense unless they were doing it on purpose.
The only other explanation is that I ran out of RSO, but I don't think that's the whole story.
And why you should need to be drunk or stoned just to be able to sleep where you live?
Another fucking garbage truck - just now - not even picking up anything on this street. They honestly weren't as loud as they could be, but maybe they noticed me filming?
I'm telling you there's some kind of conspiracy with the garbage collection agencies.
Something is deeply off.
I get how easy that is to dismiss. You would understand if you had been here.
3:57am
4:24am
I'm frustrated and can't sleep.
Some truck is around the corner just idling.
A firetruck even went by but I guess why would they have thought to ask them to shut off their engine...
You're not supposed to idle for more than 5 minutes.
We have all these different rules here that would be genuinely helpful but it's like people are trying to make a point that if you can't call anyone for help, anything goes.
It's evil.
And really fucking annoying.
Maybe I'm being extra sensitive because it's almost 4:30 in the morning, I'm kind of tired but don't think I could sleep, feel like I could eat but I don't want anything I've got (which usually means you're not all that terribly hungry, right?), and I just feel like I've wasted a night of my life and a bunch of space on my phone recording all the loud vehicles that go by.
There is an annoying hum in my room and I don't want to hear it.
I've had to put up with this shit all year, and it doesn't have to be like this.
They're just ruining my home and I don't understand why.
If I had some RSO I think I'd calm down. It's been a week now since I ran out.
I went June, July, and most of August without it.
You'd never tell someone to just stop taking their prescription medication.
I'm so frustrated.
All I can hear is the mix of the hum from the fan above my stove with the truck that won't shut its engine off outside.
4:44am
I called non-emergency and asked if someone would come tell them to shut off their engine.
You KNOW it's that bad to push me to do that. I'm just sick of this shit.
It feels incredibly deliberate. I would explain more but I feel like my brain is going to pop if I don't relax.
People are fucking evil.
5:15am
